Turnabout........

I always kid about being selfish and sometimes I am...with certain things, like wanting my Mama & Daddy back.  In actuality, anyone who knows me, REALLY knows me can tell you that I am a very unselfish person.  Sometimes to a fault.  To the point where I get lost myself.
The most important thing to me is that the person/people I love are comfortable and happy.  That makes me happy.  As a "mother hen" I watch over my children and "try" to assure that they are content.  I know that they will not always be and that can hurt me even more that it hurts them.  As a wife, I tried to offer support and love to my husband.  As a daughter, I tried to do everything possible to help my parents live well up until the very end.
Now I find myself put off by how some perceive me.  I've always thought of myself as strong.  Sometimes too strong.  To the point where some things I handle alone SHOULD'VE had help and support from a loved one.  Did pride have me not ask? Or did I just know their support would fall short of what I needed?  I say yes to both.  It bothers me when people feel that I'm ok with talking about death or especially someone's parent dying.  Because I really can't.  It hurts me inside like it were my own parent all over again. But, in order for someone else to feel better I don't say anything or when they notice I have a strained look or am about to cry and they try to apologize to me for bringing it up...so that THEY don't feel bad I pretend to be fine.  When in all actuality I'm torn up inside.
I do this "act" a lot for my children because they are my children and I want to spare them all the heartache I can.  I used to "act" for my husband and my other adult family members just because I love them and that is what I thought a loyal family member did.  I found out quickly though that this was not always the case.
I think there is no turnabout for me.  I feel like there will never be a point in my life where just my feelings count.  Mainly because I am a mother, because I was a daughter/wife and lover.  I hear people all the time say that you have to put self first, it's all in the self-help/self-awareness literature.  I guess I need to go ahead and read one  (or two ) of them so I'll know where to go and what mark to stand on.
I do think, my self esteem is in tact.  I don't think I give enough account to what my feelings are and why I cry so much.  I know that all of the tears aren't just for her (even though they are the majority)...I know I should consider the tears that aren't for her and either stop crying them or keep crying them and lose myself.  I know I'm an only child, I know I'm used to having my way and I can be a brat at times.  But I know I'm a good person.  If I wasn't, I wouldn't know how good love feels and how good it is to give love.  I wouldn't know how special I am to others by little things I try to do to make their lives more comfortable.  Just to ask the simplest of favors or just to spend quality time.
I like to laugh, so just sitting around watching movies for hours in the same room on the couch.  Not even necessarily touching, but LOVING distantly.....................

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.