Heartbeat............

"No matter how hard we try. We just can't say goodbye. Don't leave me with regrets, cause we haven't finished yet......."

I got my first tattoo when I was 31. I had never really thought about getting one, then I was sitting in the tattoo parlor with a friend who was getting one and looked up and saw a drawing of an ankh and I guess it spoke to me, because an hour or so later it was tattooed on my back. I always said eventually I would have my children's names put on me but adding another tattoo was really never a big deal to me until she left. When she left me, I decided I wanted her name on me as well. Somewhere where I could see it all the time. Not on my leg or ankle or back. I thought about my hand. But, since I own a business, that wouldn't look professional. It had to be somewhere that could be covered easily by a business suit.

I procrastinated about getting it. I said I would do it in the summer. Summer came and went. I said it would be my Christmas present to myself. Christmas came and went. Finally, Friday when I woke up, something told me to just go ahead and do it. The picture of it had even come to me. The day got kind of hectic, it got late, so I put it off for another day.......yesterday.

The tattoo parlor opened at twelve. My daughter and I got there at 12:30. The artist drew my vision 4 different times and the last time we had it with a few minor adjustments. I sat in the chair in anticipation.....As the artist tore into my skin I did breathing I learned in my Lamaze classes that I hadn't used since I had my last child almost 16 years ago. Surprisingly enough, I think it worked. Don't get me wrong, it hurt like hell...But, the pain was tolerable because I couldn't wait for the end result. I didn't cry at all until she was finished and I saw it in the mirror. It is SO PRETTY! So worth the pain. It doesn't even hurt any more, just a little uncomfortable if I touch it.

I really was happy to finally have done it. Even though I have to go back when it heals to put the finishing touches on it.....Even the times I just stood and looked at it in the mirror I was pleased. I still am pleased. Just a little thrown off.............

My Mama LOVED the movie, The Five Heartbeats. I remember for Christmas in 1999 my kids wanted to give her the VHS tape.....She was supposed to come Christmas Eve so I had to get it before then because when she came I knew we would be together the whole time and I wouldn't have a chance to pick it up.......  I couldn't find it anywhere. I went to video stores all around my area and no one had not one copy.....I then started to call around to different video stores outside the area to see if they had a copy. Finally, I called Blockbuster Video in Schererville. The clerk said they had one copy. I raced out there to get it. Now the movie was I think 10 years old, but I still had to pay $20 for it, lol. But, it was worth every penny because she was so happy to get it.  I actually saw the tape the other day.......
Today, after I got home from shopping I walked into my daughter's room and she was watching the movie.  I instantly got a pain in my heart.  Like someone just punched me.  That didn't stop me from coming into my room and turning to watch it myself.  I remember when she would look at the scene above she would try to sing along, my Mama could NOT SING AT ALL and she knew it, so when she tried to it was always funny to me....funny to me then, when she was here......today it made me cry.  Cry, HARD....

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Gone Too Soon...............

"Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight...here one day, gone one night...."

When I think about losing my parents, which I think about A LOT....I think I'm too young to not have either one of them and it's not fair. I can ALMOST accept my Daddy not being with me. He was almost 40 when I was born. I say I can "almost" accept it because I still look at people that I see who are in their 80's (like my father would have been) and think about what he would have been like had he been that age. That's when reality hits.....He may well have still been in a nursing home. Not able to do a lot of things for himself. In a wheelchair, on oxygen....unhappy.

It broke my heart to see him or speak with him on the phone because I could feel the sadness. When you love someone...well, when I love someone....it is nothing for me to feel what they feel even from the sound of their voice or the aura that they give me when I'm with them. I can feel their happiness, their anger AND their sadness. I know my Daddy didn't want to be there, but I wanted him to be here for me.

With my Mama, it is really still surreal. I just thought she would be here much longer. At least long enough to see me as a senior citizen with my own grandchildren, her great-grandchildren. Long enough for us to be getting AARP magazines and senior citizens discounts together. She was only 67. She didn't look her age at all. People were always surprised to know that she was in her late sixties. She looked to be in her fifties at the most. I feel cheated because I had no time to prepare for anything. It all happened too fast.....I feel like I blinked and she was gone....gone too soon.

I really don't like when people ask what happened. I know it's human nature to be curious and sometimes they are being harmless. I just hate to tell the story. Sometimes I will go ahead and go through the short version.....She wasn't feeling well, one Thursday night after I got off work I took her to the ER, the next Thursday she was gone. Considerate people will note how succinct I'm being and leave it at that. Clueless, nosy or maybe just rude people will continue with their questions. The most common is, "Was she sick?" Well, she had to be sick to leave me, but I know they mean did she have a lingering illness. To that the answer is, No. She had moved here with me in 2001 (September 11th no less) and had not been in the hospital or really sick one day in those 8 years she was here before she left. Then I get what I think is the rudest question, "What did she die of?".....Well, first if you notice, I try very hard not to use the words "die", "death", "dead" or "dying".....Each of those words just pierce through my heart (even when I just typed them)....I always say she "left" me, because I feel "left" behind. So when someone says those words referring to her or my Daddy, I instantly take offense (it may not be right, but I do). But, when someone just straight out asks that, I get kind of mad. Because I'm wondering, why they need to know this? If I wanted you to know I would have said what the diagnosis was as I explained to you that she left. I don't understand that question because if I've already told you that she left me while in the hospital for just a week you already know that she was sick. Knowing her diagnosis would help you in what way? Well, like she would always tell me, everyone doesn't think like me.

I don't ask a lot of questions. I feel if someone wants me to know something, they will tell me. Without me giving them 20 questions. When I do ask questions it is more than likely just for clarification so I can get an understanding more than just being nosy. Sometimes I'm told that I don't ask enough questions (usually from one of my nosy friends, lol). But I always believe that before you ask a question you need to know WHY you're asking and whether or not your question is APPROPRIATE. Sometimes some things are just none of my business and I understand, accept it and move on. If I'm having a conversation and I think my question may be too personal I will let the person know that it is quite alright with me if they say it's none of my business and I won't be mad at all. lol

But, sometimes I do have a few questions. Those questions I ask of God....Why did my Daddy have to be so unhappy in his last days? Why did my Mama have to leave so soon and so all of the sudden? Why am I left here feeling orphaned at my age?...............................

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Nothing Changes...........

Before I even start this I have to say how gangster I think it is that they play this song in the vatican....I'm sure Pac is like, "So what? WTF is the pope to me?" LOL....I never understand why this glorified clergyman is supposed to be so important to the world either. I've really never noticed anything he or any of his pope predecessors have done to make changes or advances in the world or for humanity. I very well could be wrong, but I really don't think I am. I do know it disgusts me the way the catholic church doesn't address their priest molesting children more aggressively......

But, I digress........I've noticed recently in my life that I need changes to happen. I am making those changes within myself. The person that I am. I meditate on my shortcomings and flaws and ask for guidance on correcting and/or eliminating those things that hinder my development. As a person I'm still developing. Still learning, still messing up, still succeeding and still TRYING. I feel if I weren't trying then that would mean I'm accepting my flaws, but I will never do that. I will accept that I am a flawed person but never stop trying to change those flaws.

For the "strong" person people say they see me as, sometimes I'm told I'm over-sensitive....Well, which is it? I can't see me being both.....Now I will accept whole-heartedly that I've made a mistake in a situation once it is pointed out to me (validly). I just will not allow someone to insult my intelligence. There are certain things about each person that is their "signature" something that they are "known" to do.....I am known to be very DIRECT in my tone. ESPECIALLY when I am angry.

When I speak, I don't hesitate with my words. Mainly because those words are thought out carefully before they fly out of my mouth. Now, that is NOT to say I never say the wrong thing. I DEFINITELY can be guilty of that. What I'm saying is I don't beat around the bush or put a lot of filler words in my dialogue like, "well um", "you know what I'm saying" or "like"......I feel that wastes time and I don't like my time wasted so I won't do that to another. Now, along with not hesitating, a lot of times I just don't say what I feel because I know what the consequences will be once I've stated my case.......

Nothing will change and someone will be mad or hurt or both. I'm a firm believer in:

1. Don't sweat the small stuff.

2. Don't ask a question if you are not prepared for a truthful answer.

3. Picking your battles

Number 3 is DEFINITELY the mantra I have to live by in my current situation. Mainly because so much is at stake and I'm not trying to mess anything up any further than it already is. However, even the battles I did not necessarily want to pick will HAVE TO be fought at one time or another. Sometimes you just have to pick that battle like the last kid left when you're picking kick ball teams. lol

When the die is cast for that battle you just have to put on your suit of armor and be prepared for the fall out and just hope the casualties are few and not mortally wounded......

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Take It Away............

Today my daughter's feelings were hurt.  Her dog came up missing and she thought she would never see him again......She cried and I cried because she cried.  I hurt because she hurt.  I really didn't miss the dog (seriously he wears me out, lol) but I was glad he was brought back safe and sound ONLY because I knew it would make her feel better.
The anger and pain in my heart I think was making me "physically" sick.  It was more of a heartbreak than any I've had in a relationship.  When he returned, I was so relieved and my heart was full because my baby was happy.
I think about all of the times I cried on my Mama's shoulder.  All the times I ran to her and put my head in her lap.  Be it because of a fight at elementary school.  A break up with a high school boyfriend or friendship. A fight with my husband or the kids.  I now know how I was making her feel and I feel bad about that.
I now think there were some cries I could have kept to myself.  Some hurt she didn't have to know about.  If I could take it back I would leave out the things that just really didn't matter and not bother her with them.  But, I'm sure if she were here she would say, "You need to just go on and tell me."  I can remember the look she would get when I would tell her something that was hurting me or I would cry to her.  It was a pained look.  I'm sure the same look I had today while I was hugging my youngest about her dog or when my oldest's jaw was broken in 3 places by a thug or when my middle baby didn't get the MVP trophy at her sports banquet.........
Just like I wanted to take away their pain, I'm sure my Mama wanted to take mine away.  I know she would be able to take this pain away if she were here, because this pain is here because she's not................

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Love's in need of Love......

"Hate's goin' 'round.  Breakin' many hearts.  Stop it please.  Before it's gone too far............"


I never like to sleep with the television on. Mainly because of the dreams I have when it is on. My dreams are bad enough without some infomercial, movie or news story adding fuel to the fire. Now the only time the television is on when I'm asleep is when I've forgotten or fell asleep before cutting it off.
This morning, I wish I hadn't fallen asleep with it on.....What I heard in my sleep felt like a horrible dream. I immediately opened my eyes.
What I saw on the news was a woman walking through the street crying and yelling. The headline at the bottom of the screen was blurry, but I thought I saw the word "Gary" so I immediately grabbed my glasses off the nightstand....Before I could put them on, I heard the reporter say that three men were found dead in a drug house on 38th and Washington St. Here in my city.....
My heart sank...as it does when I hear these stories about any city, any family, anywhere.....My next thought was, I know someone I know is going to be affected by this. My city is not small, but it seems like there is six degrees of separation between everyone who lives here or has lived here. I feel for my true friends just like, if not more than my family. To clean that statement up, I should explain that some of my "family" members have put me through things my worst enemy couldn't put me through all because of money. Money that they were not entitled to and money they knew full well they had no right to.
Of course later on during the course of this day I found I was right. A few of my friends were affected directly and indirectly and are hurting. I know their pain all to well, because it's becoming all to common.
Even with the despicable things that my family did to me and my Mama for the love of money after my Aunt Thomasina left. Even with the hateful things they said and tried to do to me AGAIN for their love of money after my Mama left me...My heart doesn't have the capacity to have as much hate in it for these family members as it seems that some people have for people they really don't even know. 
Let me make it clear, I have NO LOVE for them and I would not offer them a glass of water in the desert...But, at the same time, there would NEVER be anything in me that could do or even wish the kind of horror that happened last night to them.  This horror that a 4 YEAR OLD baby had to witness....
I've often heard that you're not "supposed" to question God....Well, sometimes I just don't listen.  So, I'm asking, WHY?  What could have that 4 year-old ever could have done in his/her (I don't even know which) young life that would have ever put that child in this situation?  I can only pray that the baby is too young for the trauma to have a lasting effect.
Why would God allow (yes, I think He allowed it) something like this to happen?  Why has he allowed people to be so ruled by money?  If we are supposed to be living by the laws he created in the Bible....Why do we even have money?  Why do we have to PAY for everything?  I haven't read any of this civilization structure in the Bible.  Maybe I read it wrong. *kanye shrug*
I wonder why He allows so much suffering.  Yes, the men who were murdered may not have been living a "righteous" life.  Maybe they were "sinners"....WHO'S NOT?  What about their families?  They are the one's being left here to suffer.  Their parents, wives/lovers, sisters/brothers & the children....Why the children?  That takes me right back to the little 4 year-old......
Just WHY?.........................................

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  This is simply my opinion, any offense is not intended and I understand if this is your last read.  Peace

Greeting Card..........

People always tend to think I'm strong.  Which is not a bad thing, but at times it can throw me off how people assume I can handle everything.  Sometimes I would like someone to handle me with kid gloves.  But, I know I can't have it both ways and it does piss me off for someone to beat around the bush. *kanye shrug*
Last weekend, my Aunt, my Mama's youngest sister gave me the plague that had been on my room door at my Nana's house for YEARS....I was really glad to have it because I remembered when my Mama first put it on my door and I saw it when I came home from school.  It is a little ceramic plague that says "Raven's Room"...I screamed with joy when I first saw it on my door.  My Mama would always get cute little personalized things for me.  Of course she would have to order them because back then my name wasn't common.  Today, every other kindergarten class has at least two Ravens thanks to "That's So Raven" (swear I really want to punch people when they say that to me, lbvs).....After Mama left me, I really wanted to have that plague so I was glad she was able to get it for me without breaking it.
That made me happy, what she gave me today, made me a wreck....

I stopped by to see my Nana for a minute.  As I was leaving, my Aunt hands me a greeting card.  She said she was looking through things and cleaning and found it....She looked kind of nervous (but if you know her she usually does, lol)...So, I looked at it strangely and when I opened it my heart sank....
Before I read any of the words, I saw my Mama's handwriting.  Then I read what it said on the right side of the card first:

"Mama, Here's the money for Raven's Easter shoes.  I'm going on Monday to see if I can find her something green & white for Easter.  Daughter, Ann"

Then feeling the tears coming in my eyes, I read the left side:

"Dear Raven, Mama couldn't find any other card to send.  Daddy has the clipping with your name on it.  He said he was going to Xerox it and put it on the wall.  Here is your allowance and give Pookie his $1.00.  Love, Mama & Dad"

I just stood there in my Nana's kitchen in shock.....I remember these cards. Either her or my Daddy would send me a card each week when I was visiting Gary with my allowance in it and a note.  This one was a card for a baby shower, that's why she was saying she couldn't find another card to send, lol.....I had not thought about these cards until I had this one in my hand.  In my hand that was shaking because I really wanted to sob.  But, I didn't....I did this other thing that I do now, that I've never noticed that I do, until now.....I sigh really hard and a moan will come out like I have a pain....I guess in a way I do have a pain.  Well, no "guess", I do.  My Aunt Cookie, as sweet as she is, just sometimes doesn't know what to do with herself and I could tell this was one of those times, lol....She didn't know what to say or how to say it, so I just gave her a wave like "I'm alright" and left.  Left to go sit in my faithful tear catcher, my car :)....I read the card a few dozen more times and let the tears come.....I'll probably read it a few THOUSAND more times before it's all said and done.
I know how much I miss them and I know how much little memories/mementos mean and how much they can hurt....I know this should be a good memory, when I think about how far they were away but they still made sure that their daughter knew she was a priority.  Still giving her allowance like she was at home, still paying for my Easter clothes/shoes.  I actually remember the green & white dress she sent me (organza with satin bows) and the shoes from Mellicks in the Village :). I had to be about 8 or 9 because she mentioned my little cousin Pookie (I probably didn't give him his $1 though, lol)......
I am really I guess doing them a disservice when I tell people I wasn't spoiled.  When I think back on things like this, I guess I really was spoiled with LOVE as well as material things.  But, the love is more important to me than anything else.  Such a wonderful thing :)...........

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

How I Met Her.........

I may seem serious and a little "mean"...But I really love to laugh. People who REALLY know me can even tell you that I'm a little "silly" and have a sarcastic wit.
How I Met Your Mother is one of my favorite sitcoms. It has very intelligent humor and that's what I look for in a comedy.....I hate the predictable comedies that give you the "laugh track" kind of laugh.....
This episode yesterday was the second part of an episode that ended with Marshall's (played by Jason Segal) dad dying....
I was emotional last week when it ended that way, but did not hesitate to watch this week. I even chose to watch it instead of the first quarter of the Celtic's game (and I love my Celtics). I laughed out loud quite a few times like I normally do when I watch it and when I wasn't laughing, I was smiling in anticipation of the next laugh....Then came the end...more emotional than last week. Marshall really couldn't remember his dad's final words. That didn't bother me, because I remember my Daddy's final words to me because we always ended our conversations with a goodbye. So of course, his last words to me over the phone on April 18, 2003 were, "I love you too Baby. Bye Bye."
My Mama's last words, while I remember what they were, didn't come to me as soon as I would have liked them to. When she first left me, it felt like I couldn't remember anything she said to me...it seemed like EVER. I went into extreme panic mode. It felt like I couldn't remember her voice. I hated at that time that I had cleared my voice mails so regularly. I remember when she first left me, I called her phone to listen to her message in which she just said her name. I kept listening to her say, "Ann" over and over.
When I finally calmed down and collected myself I remembered when I was sitting in the ICU with her that Sunday, November 1, 2009, the last thing she said to me before she went to sleep was, "I need to go home. I need to get out of here." Shortly after that she went to sleep. I stayed there for hours after that. Holding her hand, watching her sleep, looking towards the TV (not really watching it) and praying/meditating HARD......
I know my last words to her before she was put on life support were before I left the hospital at 3am Monday, November 2, 2009, were , "See you after work. I LOVE YOU MAMA." She was still asleep, but I feel she heard so I gave her a kiss on the hand and forehead and went home....
I cried after this episode of How I Met Your Mother, because I identified with the character's pain and because it brought back memories of my last "physical" interaction with my Mama. Not even what was said......
I have to say that unfortunately, I really disrupted the ICU when I realized my Mama was leaving me. I can still hear my wailing. A sound I don't think if I tried I could ever duplicate, nor would I want to.....I stood there looking at her saying goodbye and how much I love her....then something happened that I see very vividly in my mind's eye like it happened yesterday...........
The Pastor and the neurosurgeon were standing on the opposite side of the bed from me, my husband was standing next to me and I was standing right by her rubbing her hair, talking and crying......Now mind you, at this point she was still on life support and the neurosurgeon had just told me that the machine was keeping her here and she had no brain activity, none. So at this point it was up to me when to disconnect the life support.....So as I'm standing there crying and talking, talking and crying. I have not taken my eyes off her............Then I see a tear start in her left eye and roll down her cheek! I look up at everyone else in amazement and say, "Did you?" Before I can finish, the Pastor says, "Have mercy." So I know, I wasn't seeing things........I just wiped it away, leaned over her and cried even more.
The doctor looked a little shocked but I didn't even ask him what he thought it was, because it didn't matter. I knew then, I wouldn't be able to make a decision right away about taking her off life support.....But, I think that one tear was her PHYSICALLY telling me that I didn't have to make that decision.........She was never taken off the life support, she left on her own terms, her own way.....Being a Mama to the end. Making sure her Baby didn't have to make a decision like that.............

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Fellowship.........

Growing up the only time I had to go to church was when I was visiting Gary. Neither of my parents were very religious.  In fact I remember being surprised when one of the nurse's aides said my father had asked for a Bible.  When I said, "Daddy, you want a Bible?"....He gave me a look like~You know better~then he said, "She asked me if I wanted one, I told her yes so she'd go away." LOL....She did bring it to him and it sat on his bedside table unopened.  I asked if he wanted me to read it to him, he said, "No.  Don't want to hear any stories." *shrug*
My mother did not start attending church really until my Aunt Tommie came back to town.  She went initially so she would stop bothering her about going and eventually joined and became very active.  You know, that's another thing that makes me wonder if she knew she wouldn't be with me much longer.   She was an usher, in the courtesy guild and the missionary society.  After my Aunt Tommie left us, I was responsible for taking her to and from church.which is right around the corner so there was no big deal to drop her off, have her call me to pick her back up....
Eventually, I decided that my youngest and I would go ahead and start going with her since she kept asking (all of the sudden).  I fought it at first saying, "You never worried about me going to church the whole time I was growing up.  Now you want me to join the choir. LOL"....Then just to expose my youngest to spirituality in order for her to determine her own thoughts on it, we started going regularly (well a little regular :))....
The 2nd Sunday in August, 2008 when the "doors of the church were opened", something told me to go ahead and re-join this church I had been a part of off and on my whole life.  My Mama was ushering that day.  As I stood there with the Pastor, I saw her standing at the end of the aisle looking at me like~What are you up to?~then she came down to me and said, "You joining?"  I told her I was and her eyes filled up and she gave me a big hug.......
As I think on the services after that, they're really a blur.  I think now that I can not think of one sermon I remember.  The only thing that ever sticks out to me about church is that I've heard at least 3 different interpretations of Proverbs 31:10-31 pertaining to the "virtuous woman".....I have read the Bible, The Quran (which I found very interesting) and even the Book of Mormon and each have me very conflicted about religion.  I'll elaborate on that another time.  Let's just say I believe in a higher power and I meditate daily, but the church rituals and the fact that some people who claim to be "christians" are some of the meanest people I've ever met (seriously) have me a little, strike that, a lot put off by attending church.
My Mama didn't change much at all to me when she started attending church.  She still did everything she used to do the way she used to do it.Nothing illegal of course, lol, I just mean she was still the same Mama.  I remember one day after I picked her up from the church after a conference meeting on a Saturday that she had to usher for.  When she got in the car looking very polished in her burgundy usher suit, white gloves in hand and hair of course on point, she said, "UGH! Them folks get on my nerves!"  As I pulled off, she told me to take her to get her beer.  When we pulled into the parking lot, as she was getting out of the car I said, "Ma, you not at least gonna take off your usher pin?"  She threw her hand up and said, "Whatever, some of them probably be in line in front of me."  LMAO!!!! I cracked up at that the whole way home.  She just smiled, she liked to make me laugh and she did do that often :)........
Now that's she's gone, church doesn't do ANYTHING for me anymore.  The first day I went back after her funeral was HORRIBLE....I just sat there looking at the spot where her casket was, tears flowing.  Then came the altar call, where the congregation goes to the altar to pray.  As soon as I fell to my knees, the tears fell even harder.  The Pastor came to pray for me, the nurses came to bring me Kleenex and oddly enough there was another woman kneeling right next to me crying just as hard for her own pain.  As I finally got myself together enough to get off my knees (something told me to remember my daughter was there seeing me do this), one of the missionary's came to try to help me back to my seat (which I didn't need)...as I told her I was alright and tried to pull my arm away from her, she held tighter and said, "You have to be strong for your grandmother."  I IMMEDIATELY felt heat on my neck (which happens when I'm really mad, lol).  I snatched my arm away from her and looked her dead in her eyes (no tears at this point) and said with MUCH anger, "GET OUT OF MY FACE!" She stood there looking dumb.  So I said again, "I MEAN IT! YOU BETTER GET OUT OF MY FACE NOW!"  Looking like a deer caught in the headlights, she turned and walked away.  I remember standing there watching her walk back to her seat until she sat down.  The Pastor noticed the exchange and came to me to see if I was alright.  I just said softly, almost to myself, "How dare she."  
As I think back, maybe I did over react.  Maybe I didn't have to be so angry about it....but at the time all I could think was, WTH did she think she was to tell me what I need to do?  Don't tell me how to grieve my Mama!  Don't tell me how or when to cry! I don't even know your NAME.  Don't even talk to me....well she doesn't talk to me at all any more, which is fine with me. lol............
I hadn't been to church in a while because of the spiritual "disconnect" I've had since my Mama is no longer there.  I really am starting to think I joined to give her peace or make her happy in her final days.  Maybe that's what the voice that told me to stand up at the altar that day was telling me, "Go on & make your Mama happy.  She doesn't have too much more time."......I went just this past Sunday because my Aunt couldn't take my Nana because she was sick.  I can't remember much about the sermon except Pastor quoted the song, "Grandma's Hands" which I found a little strange....I do remember feeling again, like I've wasted my time.  Church may be an avenue for some people and their spiritual journey.  But, I really don't know that it is mine....There are too many things about the church and their teachings that don't speak to me spiritually....I love to be on my knees in my room talking to God on my own.  That is when I feel my best.  Not when I'm sitting in a huge room with a bunch of people.  Now a lot of the people are VERY nice people, in fact there are quite a few that I really love.  I just don't feel the connection like I should when I sit there.  I don't think I have since she left.  I don't know if it was there when she was here or if I just had that feeling because she was in the room with me.....
This is not to say that I'll never attend church again.  Right now, I'll still go whenever my youngest wants to go....but, I think I'll just stick to what speaks to me spiritually right now and the church building is just not it...........

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Observation..........

I am convinced more and more daily that everything happens for a reason.  Everything that happens during the course of a day is predestined....I say this especially today because it had begun as one of "those" days for me.  The days where I just "exist".  The days where I get up only because I have to take my child to school or something else that is NECESSARY....If the necessary wasn't there I would just bury my head in my pillows and stay in bed the entire day.  I've noticed that this day usually comes on Fridays...Mainly because Thursdays are hard days for me.  My Mama went into the hospital, left me and was laid to rest all in a span of 3 consecutive Thursdays and now (more irony) my therapy appointments are on Thursday.
I don't particularly care for therapy. I am required to go through my job's Employee Assistance Program in order to receive my full benefits. *shrug*....I've been through 4 therapists since I've started because I'm a "have it your way" kind of person.  I feel if I'm paying for something, I should be able to have it the way I want.  When I order food at a restaurant or fast food I order exactly what I want...... At McDonald's when I notice they're slow, I order my fries with no salt (to make sure they're hot) & at Burger King I order my Whopper with cheese, no tomato, no mayonnaise, extra pickles, cut in half (well, "have it your way" is their slogan isn't it? lol).
I've changed therapists because one talked too much, one didn't talk enough and the third just asked the dumbest questions to me.  I really don't like when they ask, "How do you feel about that?" Really?  If I knew how I "felt" about anything, F*#& I NEED TO SIT HERE WITH YOU FOR?!?!
The one I have now is cool and reads me a little better than the others.  She knows when to and when not to talk. lol.....Even though I am very comfortable with her, it doesn't make these sessions any less DRAINING.  I HATE sitting there for that hour feeling like I'm getting ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE because my "scores" are still the same......
This week though, she asked me if I had picked up the book she's been telling me to read for the past I guess two months.  Hope Edelman's, "Motherless Daughters"...I told her I had not.  She asked was it because of my fatigue or forgetfulness.....I could have used one of those excuses, but I told her that I haven't gotten it because the title bothers me.  I'm not a "Motherless" daughter.  That title says, to me, that my mother never existed or I never had one.  So I'm not at all interested in reading it because I am put off by the title.  It may very well be a good book, but I'm kind of stubborn like that.  She said that she would see if there was another book that would be better.
Then today, when I woke up in my usual "Friday Funk" because I was "forced" to confront my feelings on Thursday.  After I made my early morning runs and ate something I headed straight for my bed to bury my face in my pillows until it was time to do more running in the afternoon. 
As I lay there not yet sleeping I turn on the Oprah show because I just KNOW it would put me to sleep because I don't like it.  Strangely enough I watched the ENTIRE show start to finish.  Then "The View" comes on (which I kind of like)...The ladies were talking about their favorite books.  Whoopi Goldberg tells how she lost her mother in August.  I IMMEDIATELY start tearing up.  She tells how she hasn't grasped it, how it seems surreal, how her mother was her first love and first best friend....ALL OF THE THINGS I FEEL....Then she says her favorite book is by C.S. Lewis.  So at first I'm like, "WTF the 'Chronicles of Narnia' dude have to do with losing a parent?"....She mentioned a different book though...It's called, "Grief Observed".  She said it is a book of writings he did when he lost his wife.  Now, this book title doesn't put me off and at least I have heard of C.S. Lewis (not very familiar with Hope Edelman).  Also, a book of writings about loss intrigues me because I'm writing about loss here. 
Now had I just laid myself down and drifted off to sleep I would never have heard of this book and wouldn't be excited to pick it up and have a read......

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Point Break...............

Sometimes you have to stop being who you are just to let people know who you CAN BE....Easy going as I am, I do have a breaking point.  Everyone does.  Some people just reach there's sooner than others.  Some people let things slide just because they don't like to sweat the small stuff........That's Me!
Often I just don't even care enough to address some things, because in the end they don't really matter.  But, letting things slide with some people actually does them a disservice....Especially when it's a child.  Now, my older children can tell you I DID NOT PLAY!  I would tear their asses UP with a QUICKNESS if they got out of line (which in my son's case was A LOT, lol)....But, the point is I would do it right then and there so they knew why they were getting it and that they did something that they can't get away with, with me.  My youngest though?....She's gotten "Mellow Mommy".  The one who's too tired to fight and just yells and puts on punishment (sometimes).....
Now before you all start calling DCFS and child abuse services.  Know that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE all of my children.  There is just a difference in the way we interact.  With my son, it's a very caring relationship based on loyalty.  He knows whenever he needs something Mommy will try her best to get it done for him.  With my oldest daughter, it's like a sisterhood...we talk like friends now (not then, but now).  It's sort of the same with the youngest, we laugh a lot too.
But, "Mellow Mommy" has done the youngest a disservice.  I've always saw her as mature for her age, but never "too grown" until these past few days.  Where I've been having to put her mouth and attitude in check.  I did let her know, she has a BRAND NEW Mommy to deal with.  I have to flip her script to let her know that the things she's doing now, while I may tolerate them because of our bond.....LIFE WILL EAT HER ALIVE WITH.............
She has a limited amount of time here with me, so I need to get started YESTERDAY! So wish me luck, because I know this WILL NOT BE EASY....not easy, but VERY NECESSARY!!!!

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Faith..........

I don't have a problem trusting people.  Because of my forgiving spirit, I don't have a problem with second chances.  Don't do third chances, but second chances are alright.
Everyone makes mistakes and has an ability to change (if they want to)....Who am I to judge?  Especially when I know the type of person I am/was/can be.
When you love someone, you give them your heart and trust them to keep it safe.  If they love you the same, they will be NO QUESTION.  No one else will be an issue, nothing else will be an obstacle.  The same goes with trusting someone.  When you trust someone, no one else will be able to come and tell you anything about the one you love and trust without you saying GTFOHWTBS or just walking away.  Nothing will stand in your way because you trust in that person, you know their heart and you know what they will and will not do.
That is not to say trust can never be compromised.  That is that second chance.  We are all human with flaws.  When we fall short and are remorseful (that's the key, being remorseful) depending on the person who needs to do the forgiving you may get a second chance to make everything right.  The key is to make it right! Know how to make it right and WANT to make it right.  Otherwise you fall back into the old habit, which makes the undesired behavior reappear, which will eventually breech that trust ~ again.  Then your chances are exhausted, trust is broken and while love may stay.....the FEELING will go...............

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

I Wouldn't....................

When I think about the person I was when I was younger, I think about how much advice I would give her now.  How many mistakes I would have stopped her from making and how many things I would have told her not to say.  But then I think if I hadn't made those mistakes, or said those things I wouldn't be the person I am today. 
I wouldn't be the caring person who knows all to well what mistakes and bad judgement can cost you.  How to make good decisions and help those who ask make good decisions as well.  Of course, even now I don't always make the right decision, but that's how life is and that's part of being human.  But, I know if I didn't have the past that I've had I wouldn't be the loving friend who knows how it is to have someone pretend to be your friend while stabbing you in the back.  I wouldn't know how to recognize and be a good friend.
Had that past not existed, in the way it existed.  I wouldn't have my children.  Wouldn't have that love and joy from and for them.  That is one of the reasons I don't say I wish I hadn't met their fathers.  Now, neither of them will win the TJMS Real Fathers Real Men Award (at least not when I'm listening to the radio, lol).  But had I never met them my children would not be exactly who they are now.
If I had lived a different life.  I wouldn't be the Raven I am now.  The one who learned so much about herself because of all the experiences I've been through.  The good ones or the bad ones.  I wouldn't be the person I like, who is so sure of herself.  Who LOVES herself.  I may not be the best person in the world but I do know I'm the best ME.  That satisfies me, I don't know if others like it so much, but OH WELL! LOL
Had my childhood been different I wouldn't have all the memories of my parents (good or bad).  I wouldn't have them love me in spite of myself and support me just because I needed them.  If it were different, I wouldn't have had all the time I had with my Mama or change the fact that for most of my life it was just the two of us against the world.  Spending most of our time together.  Making memories and having memorable conversations together. 
Of course there are things I look back on that I did then that I wouldn't dare do now...but who doesn't have those regrets?  There's nothing you can do about the past but accept it and move on...I wouldn't have it any other way.............

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Turnabout........

I always kid about being selfish and sometimes I am...with certain things, like wanting my Mama & Daddy back.  In actuality, anyone who knows me, REALLY knows me can tell you that I am a very unselfish person.  Sometimes to a fault.  To the point where I get lost myself.
The most important thing to me is that the person/people I love are comfortable and happy.  That makes me happy.  As a "mother hen" I watch over my children and "try" to assure that they are content.  I know that they will not always be and that can hurt me even more that it hurts them.  As a wife, I tried to offer support and love to my husband.  As a daughter, I tried to do everything possible to help my parents live well up until the very end.
Now I find myself put off by how some perceive me.  I've always thought of myself as strong.  Sometimes too strong.  To the point where some things I handle alone SHOULD'VE had help and support from a loved one.  Did pride have me not ask? Or did I just know their support would fall short of what I needed?  I say yes to both.  It bothers me when people feel that I'm ok with talking about death or especially someone's parent dying.  Because I really can't.  It hurts me inside like it were my own parent all over again. But, in order for someone else to feel better I don't say anything or when they notice I have a strained look or am about to cry and they try to apologize to me for bringing it up...so that THEY don't feel bad I pretend to be fine.  When in all actuality I'm torn up inside.
I do this "act" a lot for my children because they are my children and I want to spare them all the heartache I can.  I used to "act" for my husband and my other adult family members just because I love them and that is what I thought a loyal family member did.  I found out quickly though that this was not always the case.
I think there is no turnabout for me.  I feel like there will never be a point in my life where just my feelings count.  Mainly because I am a mother, because I was a daughter/wife and lover.  I hear people all the time say that you have to put self first, it's all in the self-help/self-awareness literature.  I guess I need to go ahead and read one  (or two ) of them so I'll know where to go and what mark to stand on.
I do think, my self esteem is in tact.  I don't think I give enough account to what my feelings are and why I cry so much.  I know that all of the tears aren't just for her (even though they are the majority)...I know I should consider the tears that aren't for her and either stop crying them or keep crying them and lose myself.  I know I'm an only child, I know I'm used to having my way and I can be a brat at times.  But I know I'm a good person.  If I wasn't, I wouldn't know how good love feels and how good it is to give love.  I wouldn't know how special I am to others by little things I try to do to make their lives more comfortable.  Just to ask the simplest of favors or just to spend quality time.
I like to laugh, so just sitting around watching movies for hours in the same room on the couch.  Not even necessarily touching, but LOVING distantly.....................

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Breaks Over...........

I took a "break" from blogging yesterday.  Thought I'd give my mind a "rest"....Of course my mind did just the opposite.  I think I thought MORE since I didn't write anything down.  I also felt like I wasted SO MUCH TIME.....
I feel like that a lot lately.  Although I know I get things accomplished with my business, my home is not in disarray, Dylan get what she needs (NEEDS she "wants" a lot, lol)....I feel like I'm NOT doing something.  I do forget to do things during the course of any given day and get mad at myself about it.  Interesting enough, the things I forget to do are normally something I need to do for me or so small (like buying paper towel) that it's not a big deal and I can do it later.  So, that shows me that the forgetfulness is selective. 
Am I forgetting to do things for me on purpose?  I honestly can not remember outside of my laptop (which I bought primarily for my business) the last time I bought myself something I didn't NEED.....I mean yes, I have to watch my budget a little closer now with my business and other personal things going on, but I used to always believe in buying something just because I liked it at least once a month to pamper myself.  I think I bought my laptop in April and like I said, I was thinking of business more so than my entertainment (although it serves both).
When I evaluate, which I often do (sometimes too much), why I haven't bought myself anything.....It's not because of the money.  I mean I'm not balling, but I'm not sleeping under an overpass either.  I REALLY think after careful consideration that I haven't done it, because I don't have a desire for anything AND I don't feel worthy of anything.  I had to force myself to answer that hated question, "what do you want for Christmas?"  I really didn't want anything and honestly I don't like when people ask that question.  I think a gift is something you give from the heart and when I give gifts I like to look at what I see a person does not have and may want and get that for them.  That way they are pleasantly surprised.  Now with my children, I know they want some of EVERYTHING, so I do ask them.  Sometimes when people ask me that, my first instinct is to say, "My Mama".  But, I think that would be mean and make someone pity me unnecessarily.  So this year I actually thought of something I needed (house slippers because the dog at my other ones)...That was the only thing I REALLY wanted for Christmas....Something that I NEEDED because I hate to walk around barefoot.
Instead of taking a "break" from writing yesterday, I should have focused on taking a "break" from sulking/whining/crying.  I've been doing them all for WAY too long.  Unfortunately, I'm on overtime with that...break-time hasn't come.....

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Insignificant?

I spent the entire holiday season worrying about the "days" that were coming or going.  Worrying how they were going to "affect" me.  When I should have realized there is no significance in any of these dates.  Mainly because I dictate my own feelings on any given day.  That makes the dates insignificant, but my reaction to every day I wake SIGNIFICANT.
I do thank God every morning when I open my eyes (or night depending when I open my eyes)....After that, I analyze what was seen in my mind's eye before I awoke.  Those dreams or nightmares or visions, whatever you want to call them.  I wish I had a formula of what I should eat, watch, say, do before going to bed that would change the way I dream.
I've often heard people say that they can never pick a dream back up once they wake up.  I wish that were true of me.  Maybe it's because most of my dreams are so similar they run all together.  And they "all together" WEAR ME OUT! 
Last night's/this morning's dream was about the arrangements.  Me sitting in that room, yet another room, like the "bad news" room in the hospital.....The funeral home puts you in a small room to go over the "arrangements"...There's a table and chairs...for some reason in this room there were LOTS of chairs for just me, my Nana and my husband.   There of course was the obligatory box of generic tissue (conveniently out of my reach so I would have to ask someone for it).....
The dream took me through it again and again.....The moment when I walked in the room, remembering that I was just in the SAME EXACT room I was in with my Mama a little over a year ago sitting with her while she made arrangements for her sister's "home going".....Then sitting there looking at this man extend his hand to me and tell me how "sorry" he was.  I remember my husband putting his hand in place of mine-I was tired of touching people.....
As we sat and he tried to go through different "options", I sat there saying, "Whatever, I don't care, just make sure it's nice."  This is what was said in my dream....That's not what I said that day.  That day I kept saying, "Whatever she (my Nana) wants."  It wasn't that my Mama & Nana had a very close relationship, it's just that I didn't want to be there doing ANY of it....it really didn't matter to me.  In my dream, I chose the casket....the funeral home we used has a "casket room"....I remember when my mother's sister passed, I didn't go in that room with her and I sure as hell didn't want to go in there on that day.  In my dream I chose the casket, on that day I was irritated that I even had to go into the room.  I remember on that day, my Nana, who doesn't walk well, scooted around what seemed to be EACH CASKET IN THE ROOM....She looked at me and asked which one I wanted, I stood mesmerized by one that had a ribbon on it that said "Mother".  She asked did I want that one, I said, "No, just looking at it"....I didn't want ANY of them! I just asked her then to please hurry and pick one (I felt like the walls were closing in on me & I don't have claustrophobia).  I don't understand why my dream had me happily choosing one that looked nothing like the one she had.  The one that my Nana picked because it was the same that her sister had had.......
The final irony in my dream/nightmare/vision?  Me doing her hair.....Before my Mama left me I'd never touched a "dead body" (wow, it's even hard to TYPE those two words).  For some reason, I kept touching her.  Her hand, her face, her hair...I know that it was just her shell, but it was still my Mama's "shell"....Even though I kept touching her, I did not or would not have done her hair like I did in my dream.  In actuality, I made a phone call to her regular hairdresser to ask her to please do her hair so it would look like she'd always worn it.....In my dream I didn't make that call....In reality, that phone call was BRUTAL...All I did was blubber into the phone, which made her blubber into the phone once she could figure out what I was saying....
Is there any significance to the way these dreams/nightmares/visions play out.  Is it even significant that I remember my DREAMS when a lot of times I can't even remember what to pick up from the store?!?!  I don't know if I'll ever know, I do know that one night/day I hope to sleep without these reminders/remembrances.  Maybe that will be the peaceful rest.........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

My Daddy Knows.............

"For you he's the best he can be....Your Daddy's love come with a lifetime guarantee."

No big secret to anyone, I love my Daddy. No past tense, because even though he's not physically here with me I still LOVE him. There was never a time when I ever questioned if he loved me. That's not to say he was perfect (no one is) or that I was never mad at or disappointed by something he did/didn't do. I was never delusional about the person my Daddy was. I knew he was a flirt, a gambler, a joker and if you made him mad.......Ooooowwwweeee, let's just say you didn't want to do that.
Even though we were miles apart, my Daddy was a very important part of my life. He knew that. He also knew that he could make me smile no matter how I felt about what was going on in my life. He knew that if there was something I needed that he couldn't give me right away that he had better tell me straight up and not beat around the bush, because then I'd be mad and he needed to WATCH OUT. LOL...I can't remember ever really making my Daddy "mad"....I do know he never spanked me, neither did my Mama...I guess they never had to. Not to say I was an angel, by no means....I was a brat, I know...Still am a little spoiled. My Mama didn't believe in spanking me because she felt her mother spanked her and her siblings TOO MUCH. My Daddy believed in spanking, but all he would have to do is give me a "tone" of disappointment and I would be devastated.

I've often heard the saying, "The best thing a father can do for his child is love their mother." My Daddy did that for me. Even though they were no longer together, I knew and I'm sure she knew. He still loved her a lot. Not particularly romantically, but love for her because she gave him me. Because they would always be connected through me.......I remember the last time they saw each other. We had just drove up from Gary to Long Island because my Uncle Frank, my Aunt Tommie's husband, had just died. We never told Daddy he died, because they were buddies and we didn't want to upset him and risk him having another episode. Before we headed on the drive back to Indiana we headed up to Harlem to see Daddy in the nursing home. My Daddy saw me walk in and gave me my usual smile and "Hello Baby", but when he saw my Mama, he got a wide almost sly smile and said, "Hello Cutie." She smiled and kissed his forehead. I noticed her cry, I think because she knew we wouldn't see him again after that day. I was the only fool who thought that I had more time.

I didn't know that on my first wedding anniversary I would get that phone a call in the middle of the night pick up the phone, hear his girlfriend Geri say, "Hi Baby." That was all I heard, I just cried into the phone I really don't think I wanted to hear her say it. I just knew, why else would she call me that time of night? That just makes me realize that I never allowed anyone to actually SAY to me that my father OR mother were gone. I didn't let Geri speak it on the phone and at the hospital I didn't let the doctor say it about my Mama. Almost like if they don't say it, it isn't true....But not hearing it doesn't make it go away...Doesn't bring them back...Doesn't make me not sad on his birthday, her birthday, the holidays, when I want to tell them something, etc.......
Like today I want to tell him ~ Happy 81st Daddy, I Love You!........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Minding.............

I'm quite sure those of you who are my Facebook friends that read this can tell by my status, I was going here with my blog today. LBS....Besides that, I want to go "light" today to make up for drawing tears with yesterday's post.

Let me start with saying, I'm a FIRM believer in not getting in the middle of something that doesn't concern me. Not to say I'm not human and haven't listened to gossip or foolishness about someone else. But, as far as offering my voice OR opinion when I know it's not my business. Nope, I mind my own. Mainly because I know my life is not a template for anyone else's because it is MY LIFE. Also, no matter what someone may think of me, I'm not a mean person and I don't like to hurt people's feelings....Now, don't think that means I won't strike back at someone who hurts me or mine. It just means that I don't set out to see people in pain.

I have noticed recently, that people are basically stalking my Facebook page informing people in my life of anything that they even "think" may be out of line. Now are they doing this with any good intentions, I think not. Do I know exactly who it is? Well, not this time. The first time I did and I *ahem* addressed it (LOL). But, this time I really don't think I care enough to do so. If anything, I'm just sad for them that this is what they spend their time doing. Me, I'm going to write this blog and move "on to the next one".....If anyone reading thinks this "song is about them" I'd be happy to clarify, everyone who needs to knows how to get at me.

I just really think that when you really have a person's well being and interest at heart, you mind your own. Not meaning you ignore any one's pain. I couldn't do that with someone I love. I'm just saying, take some things for what they're worth. Stop "reading" things that aren't there in order to cause others pain or discomfort. Before you open your mouth, think about what you're going to say and the affect it will have on others. Think how you would feel if someone was telling you the same thing in the same context.

The people who come with the, "I'm not trying to upset you" really ARE trying to upset you. The people who come with the , "so & so said this & that" need to be asked, "When so & so was saying this & that...WTF did YOU say?" A friend of mine said it best, "Hurt ppl, hurt ppl!" I'm at a point in my life where I'm over the hurt....Nothing on this EARTH can hurt me like loosing my Mama hurt me, so all the petty drama and foolishness I'm well over and it BORES ME....I'm so on to bigger and better things in my life and those who want to come along for the ride, put your seat belts on....Those who want to sit back and facilitate the misery and drama, PLEASE MOVE AROUND....You're blocking my path......

I thank and appreciate all who will read (even the ones who are reading just to #runtelldat, lol). Peace.

Never Dreamed.................

Another one of my favorite Stevie songs.....a very short song (less than 3 minutes), but says SO much in this short time......I've said that since Mama left I listen to some lyrics differently. This is one of them.

I say when I speak about her leaving me, I never believed it would ever happen. I guess sort of hoping I would leave before she would (I know very unrealistic & selfish). She would always try to get me to talk about it. I would come to her house and she'd be filling out paperwork or going through things and she'd always say in a round-a-bout way what she would want me to do when she's gone. I remember she was amending her life insurance policy and asked me if the amount she was filling it out for was "enough". I was SO MAD at her for asking me that, but her being Mama I couldn't let her know how mad I was so I just kind of threw my hand up and said, "Whatever Mama, it doesn't matter."
Now that I think about all of these "round-a-bout" conversations, I begin to wonder if she knew. Did she have even the slightest inkling that she was sick. Was she NOT telling me something? Or, was she trying to tell me something and I wouldn't listen?
Was there ANY way she could have known that the visit to the emergency room would leave her being admitted? Would we have been able to know that day after day something else would go wrong?
I remember being in her hospital room with her before she was in ICU and I was rubbing her back because she was uncomfortable. She looked at me and asked, "What's going on? Is this happening because I'm old?" That kind of shocked me. She was only 67, that's not old, to me at least. I just said, "Mama, you aren't old. Nothing is happening, you're going to be ok once we get these tests back. You're going to be ok." I REALLY believed that!
I NEVER DREAMED it would be anything more serious. Even when I noticed a bed sore and she had only been in the hospital two days and it wasn't there when she was at home. Even when they called and said she was being transferred to ICU for closer monitoring. Even when they asked my permission to give her blood or put her on 24 hr dialysis. Even when they asked my permission to put her on life support. No, not even then. I assumed life support was just that, LIFE support. Not even when I checked her body (to make sure they were cleaning her) and noticed that one of her toes was turning black. I held out every hope, I never dreamed she would go and not come back home......
As I look through papers and writings, I'm left to wonder DID SHE KNOW.....She wrote a journal for my daughter, when I first looked through it I found an irony.....Now, she didn't write in it everyday, but there was one day that she only wrote JUST THE DATE and nothing else......That date was Nov. 5, 2008...........My Mama left me on Nov. 5, 2009.............

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Annual...........

The new year is here....so what do I do next? Let's go with how I started it out....Here at home in my bedroom. I gave my baby girl a hug and a kiss and then fell on my knees to "talk" to God and to Mama...I asked God to help me through this struggle I'm in and to watch over my family, friends and me. I guess I ask the same things of Mama. But when I pray/meditate, I don't know if this differs from the way anyone else does it, but after I say a few words (& it usually is only a few) I just sit there quiet. I listen for what is going to come to me.....
Nothing really came to me last night but tears. I was there on my knees for quite some time just me and my tears. Can't say if they were happy or sad. I just know they were there. It wasn't a "cry" I don't think....I think of "crying" as that sobbing, heaving, bent over, holding your heart kind of thing that I know that all too well.  I didn't feel that wrenching pain in my heart like that.

I am really trying to adjust to annual events and rituals without her. I know she would've been cooking black eyed peas today (which I can take or leave)...I know what we would have had for Christmas dinner, Thanksgiving all of that....I also know on both of those holidays if we had eaten as late as we did when I cooked, she would've WENT OFF! LOL...She was VERY mean when she was hungry. :)

Every time something goes on, she is still the first person I want to tell...and I still tell her. Sometimes I feel like I can't sleep at night because she's waking me up to say things to me. Now that may sound weird or whatever. I don't know, don't care. I just know that many times throughout the night for the past, I don't even know how long. I can be asleep and my eyes will open straight out of my sleep and I'll lay there and just listen to my thoughts or what I think she's telling me. I don't know if I explained that right or not, I already said it was kind of weird, so if you don't understand what I'm saying just forget it because I'm moving on. lol

New Year's and my tears (hey, that rhymes...yes, I'm silly)...anyway, the two things don't bother me as much as other upcoming annual or new events. The annual events this past year were not quite as bad as the year before...but I still look to "new" events, like her baby granddaughter turning 16 in June...I don't know if she'll be having a "Sweet 16" because she wants a car and I am NOT DIDDY so she can't have both. Either or, I know if my Mama were here she would be right with me either planning the party or picking the car.
Then the one upcoming event that I know I am going to hate that she will miss is her oldest granddaughter's college graduation.....She wants a motorcycle...hmph, I am confident that the "No, I'm not buying that." Is the same thing her Gigi would say about that whole thing. But, I know she would be so proud of her. I can see her smile in my mind's eye now.
All I can say, as those tears come down right now is...."You were my best friend, never gonna see you again....& I miss you, I miss you girl." <3 Mama........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.