Neutral

I just want to tell the world to SLOW THE HELL DOWN!!!  Run in neutral sometimes and let me catch up to everything/everyone around me.  These DAYS that mark the DAYS that were her last DAYS are zooming in on me and my heart is NOT ready......
Thursdays since she left me have been the worse.  My "friend" (term used with caution) was the first to point out to me that all of the tragedies happened on Thursday.  She went into the hospital one Thursday, left me the next and was interned the next Thursday......
Now it seems like as soon as the weekend is over, Thursday is here again.  Usually, that would be a great thing. Looking forward to the weekend.  But it seems that just as fast as Thursday gets here, it takes FOREVER to leave.  It seems as if it's my LONGEST day of the week because I think about it so much.
In therapy, she tells me to "plan something" to do special on Thursdays....I really can't "plan" anything.  My days are pretty much routine running around with a little "me time" in the middle....or even worse....the running back and forth with me just laying/crying in bed until it's time to run around some more.
The twists/turns/flips my life is doing right now really need her voice.  Honestly, because of the relationship my Mama and I had, I never really went to her for "advice" per se....Just sort of a sounding board to bounce my thoughts off of.  I was going to choose my own path right or wrong & right or wrong, she would be right there with me to weather the storm or to bask in the glory.  My sidekick/home girl/road warrior.....
Now, I'm the lone ranger....I have family/my kids....but there is nothing like Mama's ear....her neutral tone, her positive aura, her being my savior from negativity........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Emergency Contact

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"Pull up to yo' spot on low. Shinin' brighter than all of the cats they got on glow."

This is me ALL DAY.  I love Mos Def and this is one of my FAVORITE songs by him solo, outside of BlackStar.  (SN:  Dave Chappelle looks BAKED in this video. #random LOL)

This is a hater anthem (one of the BEST in hip hop), when I first put it back in heavy rotation in my home/car/head.  I saw it JUST as that.  I was having drama/confusion/ridiculousness brought on by a hater and I was using this song to keep me level. It worked, as music often does...besides that, I know all too well the circumstances of the hater and how pitiful they are, so I'll just brush "him" off and let life take care of  "him".

I thank God that I'm relatively in good health.  I have a few small things going on, but nothing life threatening.  This month being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I went to get my yearly mammogram and just got the results that I'm fine.  I know a few "Survivors"....One in particular I REALLY feel that "he" needs to focus on staying healthy and let go of fantasy and grab onto reality so "he" can be around for "his" kids.  But, oh well....that's on "him" if "he" doesn't.   I have family & friends to live for and that's basically the ONLY thing that keeps me going when this time of year rolls around.  This is the time of year when she left me and my heart has not been the same since.

I was in the doctor's office yesterday "updating" my medical information.  As I got to the section for "Emergency Contact", I stopped and my eyes filled up.  I HATE to cry (even though I do it damn near daily)...but I ESPECIALLY hate to cry in front of people/strangers.  I don't want anyone's pity.  As I tried to will the tears back into my face, I tried to continue writing the info for my "Emergency Contact"....Having worked in the medical field, I know that it's best to have a local emergency contact in case someone needs to get to you right away....I didn't have anyone locally that I would be relieved to see if I was scared and laid up in a hospital.  My adult children are in different cities and my Mama is GONE.  My aunt is local, but she freaks out easily and can REALLY exhaust me. LBS...

I cried even more when I realized how important having an "Emergency Contact" was to me.  Even when I was married, every time I filled out ANY form that asked for an emergency contact.....my Mama was the FIRST and sometime ONLY name on the list.  Don't judge (well, if you do...so what), but my life insurance left more to my Mama & my children than my husband and put her in control of my minor child in the event of my death.  It wasn't that I didn't love or trust my husband (at least I don't think that was the reason at that time), I just felt that he would still be able to work and survive...I needed her to be able to go on and take care of my kids for me with some sort of financial security.

I finally was able to pull myself together and put my aunt's name as the contact, not that I don't love her....I just would have preferred someone closer to my heart....outside of my children there is NO ONE closer to my heart than my Mama....I don't like this time of year because it seems like a "countdown" to my tragedy.  Coming soon will be two years since she left me and my world crumbled....it's not quite back together, but I was trying to get there.  I've even had some "new" and old help/support/love getting there.  I've recently had another obstacle on my road, but I am trying HARD to be an overcomer.....it's "seems" to be working....stay tuned....

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.~ Follow me on Twitter @RavenAboutMe