Losing but Winning....

I've been putting this one off for a few weeks...I know this is going to be emotional and may be a little bit of a downer for Christmas....I even started to wait a few hours to write. But, then again...why?

This is me, this blog is for me....I just let you all be nosy. LOL/JK.....

While I'm sitting here watching my Celts game I dvr'd, all these thoughts just came rushing in and I just had to sit back in my recliner & put them down. Besides, I already know the outcome of the game. My guys will lose by 2. :(

The past 3 years of my life people have been taken away from me left & right. These past 3 years of my life I have been taking myself away from people just the same....While at the same time CLINGING for dear LIFE to people I feel I NEED to be with me.

I lost my aunt, my Mama & one of my best friends in that order all within these 3 years. I've taken myself away from people & situations that have made me unhappy/unproductive and I'm clinging to the beautiful friendships/relationships I have now.

I almost lost one of those friendships a couple of weeks ago. I died a little inside when I heard what happened...but the friend in me knew what I heard wasn't my friend....that was NOT his spirit. I pray/meditate everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day....I pray for my family (note: in my eyes "family" & "relatives" are different...I pray for my FAMILY)....I pray for specific things for each of my children...I call each of their names as I pray....I call each of my friends' names when I pray for them.....I guess that's the detailed person I am making sure He knows exactly who I'm praying for...Even though I know He already knows. I truly feel that my specific prayer for my friend was a small part of the reason He didn't take him from me.

I've gained valuable friendships/relationships in these years as well. I feel the people in my life now know who I am and accept me for me. No questions/no qualms/no bullshit (pardon my French, lol)....

There is a peace about my life I've gained in the past 30 days that I haven't had in the past 30 years....and I LOVE it!!!

My oldest daughter blessed me beyond measure this morning with her Christmas gift to me....My mother loved to read...but she was a writer as well. (I guess that's where I get it from.) My daughter asked her to write a journal for her. When Mama passed I thought it was only appropriate that since she asked her to do it, that she get to keep the journal.

There was an entry on June 17, 2009 where my Mama wrote explaining why she left my father and apologizing for what she felt she "put me through" as a child.....the thing is, even though I may have had to grow up a little fast. I never loved my mother any less. I would have laid down my own life 2 years ago if the doctors would have told me it would have saved her. She was my HEART and I still feel a hole in it where she should be PHYSICALLY here with me. I know people always says, "She's with you." #blahblahblah....but the selfish only child who doesn't have a mother or father PHYSICALLY here with her. Doesn't want to hear all that.

When my baby, my first girl "doll", my "Shugga Pie" said to me, "Ma, that's your gift in that frame against the wall." and I turned it around and saw those pages & pictures in that frame. I burst immediately into tears. Sad, but good tears.....Hurt, but I'm going to be ok tears....I guess..........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

God's Will..........

I'm not sure how many people actually view my blog regularly or how long they have been following me or how many "stalkers" I have just coming around to be nosy...Well, I know of two "stalkers"....but if there are any more, I'm not sure. LOL

Well, for all of you reading...old & new...Let me just say what I've said in the beginning as a disclaimer for what you're about to read (you can stop reading at any time)......

I write this blog for ME.....I just let everyone in because it's liberating to me and I really don't care what people think of me....as long as you THINK.....

I recently found this song again and haven't been able to get it out of my head. When I first heard it years ago I said, "That's pretty." And went on to listen to the other songs.....What I really like about this song is how there is a dramatically powerful crescendo at the end....it makes this already emotional song seem like it "physically" is pulling you to feel something/anything.

I like to go to sleep with music....always have since I was little and my Daddy used to put my clock radio on the Classical station when he put me to bed. Ironically, while I love the sound of a violin (especially in a WuTang song, lol)...I can't stand Classical Music now. *kanye shrug*......Well, one night while sleeping with this cd (Testimony: vol. 1, Love & Relationship) playing, the words caught my ear & woke me up....

It was like a dream...I felt like, "Wait a second....Is she actually talking to me? What's going on?" So when I played it back, I was like WOW!!! It's like she did know what I'm going through...what I've gone through...where I'm going......

Starting with, "Good morning silence, good morning to myself." Now that I'm totally alone again...I realized how much I enjoy the silence of my morning....how good it feels to be able to wake up & make as much noise as I want to. Play my music as loud as I want to. Open the blinds & turn on the lights, make my room as bright as I want to......But.....

Then with her verse, "Good morning independence or is it loneliness. I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets. I pray for God's Will to be done...The very next day you were gone..." She straight up SPOOKED me.........I'm independent because I have to do things on my own now....but in many ways I always did.....the "spooky" part was that the day before we separated, I think my knees were raw from me being on them so long. My biggest worry about separating from my husband was not him or me...it was "them"....The kids, the family, the in-laws......Then after talking to the kids & my family, that worry subsided...After a conversation with my sister-in-law, the in-laws weren't a worry anymore either. *looks back at that last sentence* I'll just leave that alone. lol

I wasn't worried about him or me, because I knew this was the best thing for "us"....Neither of us were happy with one another, for whatever reasons....people are speculating what those reasons were/are as I type. #withtheirnosybehinds lol

Now I will readily admit. The first time I REALLY heard her verse..."Good morning to the harsh realities of life. Good morning to the fact that we're not husband & wife. We made a vow to stay. But destiny got in the way..." I was hurt....the second or maybe third time (I listened to this song on repeat for hours)....I cried....Not because I felt we made a mistake. More because I felt it was saying (to me), we were destined to fail. "Destiny" knew we would fail. :-(

"Good morning acceptance. Good morning inner strength. I'm loving every moment of it. Even the strain...." When I heard this verse, I immediately knew what the song & the crescendo were doing.....It's a build up...it's an evolution....just like my life.....I'm loving it, the people in it and what I see it becoming.

The song starts with the pain & heartbreak in the beginning. Then each verse sees the evolution to a breakthrough...to knowing truly what "God's Will" for you is.

"Good morning optimism. Good morning to my fate. Good morning to the beginning of a brand new day...I know that God's Will will be done. So I lay down that pain and I'm moving on." When I analyzed this verse as it applies to me...."the pain" I was "laying down" (actually any pain she speaks of in this song), I didn't attribute to my husband.....I loved him then, love him still...I want him to be as happy as I want myself to be. There is no pain or hurt when I speak his name.....

The "pain" I think of is a sort of pain like when you have a deep splinter stuck in your skin but you don't know quite what it is & you can't see it because it's so close to/deep inside your skin & it hurts like hell while it's still with you...and any little thing can aggravate the pain....But once you find it and get it out the pain is gone immediately......That was the kind of pain I laid down more like a "PAIN IN THE BUTT" I recently let go of. *giggling*....See, you all thought this was going to be an all sad and serious blog entry...Didn't you? #sike :-)

"I know that God's Will will be done. So it's a good morning after all." That's how the song ends....I say, I know that God's Will will be done. So it's a good LIFE after all.....Stay tuned. ;-)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.