Quandary........

A break in a relationship is always awkward to say the least.  But, what do you do if you have no hard feelings, but everyone else does? Even the people who weren't part of the relationship......Do you address those feelings?  What if their feelings aren't based on truths?  
I haven't played victim and I don't intend to start.  I've been as cordial as I can...I know what is what.....just because I don't choose to break down all the particulars to outsiders doesn't mean that there is validity to what's been said.  It just means that I'm private, always been private, will stay private.  I don't look through your windows, so don't look through mine.
There is always multiple sides to a story.  That's why when hearing what's said/done, I take it with a grain of salt & keep it moving.  I have my own crosses to bear.  Why take up someone else's?
It took me losing/letting go of A LOT to find out I really don't care what people think, say or do to me.  That isn't to say I will ALLOW you to say or do anything to me.......it's as simple to me as:  If you think you've gotten away with something.....think AGAIN.
I am patient and at peace with who I am & who I'm becoming. Are you?


I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

A Raven in the Sun: Unfathomable

A Raven in the Sun: Unfathomable: I really am in shock & awe towards a lot of things as of late.  One thing I can't believe is that it has been over THREE MONTHS since I've b...

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Unfathomable

I really am in shock & awe towards a lot of things as of late.  One thing I can't believe is that it has been over THREE MONTHS since I've been here!!!!! I have sticky notes on my pc that say "BLOG!!!!!!!!!" & "WRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".....but I just haven't been able to.

Wanted to.........haven't been ABLE TO.

Can't blame that on the depression....cuz as far as I'm concerned & for all intents & purposes *Looks at last fragmented sentence & pops self in the back of the head for overuse of filler words* LOL

*ahem*.....I'll try this again.......I can't blame not being "able to" write on my "diagnosed" clinical depression.  Because, in my not so medical opinion, I'm over that.  I'm feeling better, more motivated & HAPPIER.  No thanks to the prescription meds they TRIED to push on me......All I will say is Tommy Chong (or is it Cheech Marin) has the right idea. ;-)

I haven't been able to write because I paralyzed myself.  I took myself out of the game.....I was scared I didn't have anything to say....but forgot....WHAT I SAY HERE IS FOR ME. So in my mind, I always have something....at times TOO MUCH to say.

The other thing that has me humbled, grateful, tearful, melancholy....(there I go with the filler words again).  But, in this case, they all fit.  The past 12 month period brought numerous life/love changing events.  The first I want to mention is that my first born son will be 27 in a few days.  I'm so blessed to still be able to look at that face.  I know so many who's sons never will make it as far as he has. #therebutforthegraceofGod

Then another thing is, I found someone I thought I would never see again.......that discovery has me tearful & melancholy....but, I'll save that for another blog.  Now is not the time.

The final thing that has my feelings running wild is that in a little over 8 hours, my second born.  My baby girl....my mirror.....will be graduating from college!!!!!

"When I look at you, so hard to believe.  You're a younger version of an older me."

 ~Brian McKnight

I listened to that song on my ride & immediately thought of her.  I would just say that she's a younger, BETTER version of an older me.  I look at all of my children and know I don't deserve them.  That HUMBLES me.   The fact that God gave them life through me, makes me GRATEFUL.  The idea that I want better for them all the time & I wish their Gigi was here with me to watch them do the awesome things ahead of them makes me tearful........

The fact that their Gigi is a MAJOR part of who they are & I know still watches over them.....that's the melancholy.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Hoodies for Justice...or Just US???

I had hoped to be able to enter this blog when there was a resolution...an answer...but, it seems like I'll be waiting forever & won't have a blog to enter while I await "justice".
"Justice" or "JUST US"???
Just US who suffer at the hands of murderers/bigots/hate mongers/OURSELVES???
I have stopped listening to, reading, watching the "latest" on the Trayvon Martin case.  I heard a snippet of a 911 call during a radio show & burst into tears.........THIS HURTS!!!
No, he wasn't my son/relative...no, I didn't know him/his family....no, I don't live in Sanford/Florida......but YES I AM HURT!!!
I keep playing the facts of the story out in my head....We all know it:

*He's walking to the store for snacks, minding his own business.

*Lunatic self-appointed neighborhood Barney Fife decides he shouldn't be in "his hood".

*Said lunatic calls the cops & IS TOLD NOT TO FOLLOW HIM.

*He follows him anyway & shoots him down because he has a hoodie on.......and

BECAUSE HE IS BLACK

Let's be real....white kids wear hoodies too. My daughter attends a diverse high school. There are a lot of white kids there, I see hoodies in the morning dropping her off.....

Now if Zimmerman had seen a white 17 year old walking in the neighborhood with a hoodie on....would that young man be "suspicious".  Would that young man have been followed?  Would the gun even been drawn? no & no.....IF ANY OF THIS HAD HAPPENED TO A WHITE CHILD WOULD ZIMMERMAN BE IN JAIL NOW?!?!? Yes, HELL YES!!! He would & be confined away from the general population for fear of his life.  We already know how the story would play if this was a black man who hunted down & killed a white child.....

But, let's be real again.........We trust "them" too much! We could see a white teen in our neighborhood today & not think anything but, "He is in the wrong area or lost." Some of us "trusting Negroes" would maybe even stop & try to help "massa's chile" find his way.

I live in an urban area....while my subdivision looks suburban...not even a block away from my front door you see abandoned buildings. Walking my dog or driving near my home I've seen "them" riding in my neighborhood slowly looking "lost"....looking to be all different age groups from young to old...sometimes in a group....sometimes alone...

I know what they're doing......One of two things: drugs or prostitutes...or both.........Up until recently I never thought that instead of my usual *smh*...maybe I should call the police & report a "suspicious character" in my neighborhood. Yea, right...and maybe I should pay the citation they will give me for calling 911 for a "non-emergency".  I doubt if I told them suspicious looking white people were riding around my neighborhood they would even send a car to investigate....but even in my urban city that is predominantly African American....if I called 911 to say there was a suspicious looking BLACK person in my neighborhood, there would be at least two cars out within a matter of minutes.

We are more afraid of ourselves, than them. Which is RIDICULOUS!!! Historically....most of the most abhorrent murders/atrocities have been carried out by WHITE men.......without a reason or care to why...and they have historically gotten away with it!!!

George Zimmerman is no different than the slave owners who bought/sold/raped our ppl for hundreds of years & then when their (or what they thought was their, cuz he may have been half black..lol) President Lincoln, gave us a "Get out of jail free" card. It was like....Well, ok. They don't have to be our property anymore, but we're not apologizing or giving them any of the country they built! And, they can't drink/sleep/eat/pee anywhere we are.

He's no different than the Klan members who terrorized innocent black families just because they wanted to live & take care of their families....No different than J. Edgar Hoover's cross-dressing behind, who stalked black men (probably because he secretly lusted after them) who were just trying to maintain their quality of life.....No different than the LAPD who beat Rodney King. I can go on & on with this (Bernard Goetz, James Earl Ray, Skinheads..etc).......but most shocking of all....He's no different than the gangbangers/thugs in our own community!!!

How can just "us" in our own backyard, protest & wear hoodies "4 Trayvon" while executing genocide on our own people? Shooting into a home putting bullets into two young girls while they play?!?! Killing on the streets over drugs/money/lovers.......then as they sit around together they say how "Fucked Up" it is that Zimmerman is still free!!!!

Yes, it is VERY messed up that Zimmerman (the animal) is still walking free after murdering that child....but it is just as messed up that us killing US is still running rampant....it is messed up that NEITHER race is putting a value on black life.

I expect it from them.........but, what about US???? 

I thank and appreciate all who will read & I pray for justice for #Trayvon, Britney, Rebia, Albert & all the other victims past, present & unfortunately...future. Peace.

I Still Feel Her......

"When the day turns into the last day of all time....." <3 Prince

I've never really did anything special for my birthday. I haven't had a birthday "party" since I gave myself a 25th birthday party in _____well, let's just say that was a few years ago. :)

My last few birthdays have been EXTRA hard. This is the 3rd one since my Mama left, the 2nd since I my friend Thelma left.....

Waking up this morning I had to meditate....I needed to talk to God & Mama. I had to feel them telling me that it is ok to be happy about making another year. Even though she won't have anymore birthday celebrations, it's ok if I do. I put my conversation with Him on hold & spoke directly to my Mama.

I wanted to make sure that she understands that me having a good time doesn't mean that I don't miss her singing "Happy Birthday" to me off key while she snaps her pretty fingers & does a little dance. LOL

While I always said, "Oh Lord" when she did it. We both knew that I loved it when she did.

I know Thelma would tell me, "Girl, you betta do what you do how you wanna do it. Don't worry about me.".....I don't know what would make me think my Mama wouldn't feel the same way.

I've always known even through our good times/bad times/fusses/fights that she always wanted me to be happy.

While I sat in silence listening to her. I felt her tell me basically what I already know;

I felt her saying she loves me.

I felt her saying it's good for me to be happy.

I felt her saying it's quite alright to enjoy life.

I felt her saying.....Happy Birthday Baby!

And all I can say in response is Thank You to the most Beautiful Girl in the World! <3 Mama

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

She Really Doesn't Know......

"She always stood at the back of the line...a smile beneath her nose."

I keep the most random things in my mind about my children. While I LOVE Prince. I wouldn't say that any of my kids are Prince "fans"......In fact, I would venture to say that he got on their nerves every morning since their "wake up" revelie was Sexy MF (don't judge me, lol) or Housequake....

Starfish & Coffee is one of my oldest daughter's FAVORITE songs....That and Please Pardon Me by Rufus featuring Chaka Khan.

My oldest daughter is the child most like me. Our birthdays are only days apart. I often wonder why we're not "closer"....then I think to myself....We're not closer because we are so much alike. We don't really let people "in".

A lot between the two of us is "unspoken"....I'm not totally pleased with that and I accept responsibility for not being as communicable as I should be.

I often think of her, what/who she will be?...What her children/child will look like?....Where she will live?.............Will she ever forgive me????

As a parent, I've made mistakes....more than my share....less than some. I wish I were a "perfect" mom...but, I'm still not sure what that would entail. I can say, I've done my best. The best I know how....I wish I had been more patient, less busy, more fun.....

But, I'm always in the belief that everything/everyone happens the way it should...My faults, missteps as well as my successes in parenting are part of what makes her who she is....

Who she is, IS BEAUTIFUL....Who she is, IS SMART.....Who she is, IS LOVING....Who she is, IS PHENOMENAL!!!!!

What she really doesn't know is how much I needed her to be my baby....how much seeing her smile warms me........how much she really saved my life....how much I live for her.......How much I LOVE HER.

Happy Birthday Devin....Ma loves you more than air. <3

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Without Whit.......

My title is a play on words....I didn't know Whitney Houston, so I wouldn't be presumptuous enough to give her a nick name, because I know I would hate that. (Pretty much the way I hate for someone to call me "Rave", lbs)......I'm saying that some of the people who are commenting on the death of Ms. Houston are "Without WITT" as in SENSE!!!!

Over this past weekend, I've seen/heard a lot of ignorant & judgmental things being said about Ms. Houston AND her sudden passing.  Everything from, "If she'd have never married Bobby Brown, she'd still be here.", "She was a junkie, so why are we throwing a pity party for her?" to "Why did she take a bath knowing she had taken all those pills? She should have taken a shower." (<----I deleted the idiot who said that without even commenting on that post. *smh*)

All I could think of when reading/hearing this idiocy was when I lost my mother over 2 years ago before the holidays...I know how devastated I was.  I know how I felt/feel...I thought about how I lost my friend a year ago this time......I know how devastated I was, I know how I felt/feel....

Then I thought of the fact that I'm a GROWN WOMAN & I was grown when this happened....Bobby Kristina is only 19 years old!!! She will turn 20 on my birthday, March 4th....I've always remembered that because I remember when she was born in 1992 & my daughter told me, "Whitney Houston had a baby today, on your birthday." Our birthday is soon & we both have to spend it without our mothers.  I'm not going to say I'm "used" to it, but this will be her 1st one without her mother (I've had three without mine). The way I feel as a grown woman with two of my own children who are older than her with the loss I've experienced....the way I still think of my Mama not ever seeing her great-grandchildren...and thinking that her mother will never see her GRAND-children. 

While people demonize her father, who I'm sure is there comforting/supporting her.  While people focus on her mother's shortcomings, instead of her triumphs...I hope they have a step ladder to bring themselves down from the pedestals they stand on so they don't trip & bust their heads coming down. *secretly hopes they do bust their heads WIDE OPEN, lol*

What I find interesting is that what Whitney Houston's death has done is it has aligned the "saints" with the "ain'ts"....The "holy rollers" have expressed the same ridiculous/judgmental garbage as the "low lifes" & "thugs".  The two demographics that are against one another have come together in stupidity to pass judgement & disrespect this woman & her family.  *smdh*......

So, for me...whenever my REAL judgement day comes & I'm asked...Who I'm affiliated with....I'm not claiming "saints" or "ain'ts"...The set I'm rolling with is "compassionate".  

So in honor of her, I've posted my favorite song that she sung.  I can't honestly say that I'm a "fan" and listened to her music often.  I can say I thought her voice was PHENOMENAL and she was BEAUTIFUL...but I don't want to be a phony/bandwagonner who says I was her "biggest fan"....But I can honestly say that her passing has shocked & saddened me.  I pray for her and her family.....her baby, ESPECIALLY!

Rest in peace Whitney Houston!!! 

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Memories.........

I am by no means an average person. In fact, I don't think I know anyone who is or what would determine a person as average.....

The way I remember things/people/events and the way I forget things/people/events is what I think makes me a little unique (I won't say strange, lol)....

The way I remember one year ago today is heartbreaking for me. I remember my cell phone ringing & looking at my bedside clock & noticing it was 6:34am. When I woke up today & looked at my cell phone, it read 6:34am.  That sort of threw my whole morning off.  I kind of get irritated at the fact that I can remember some dates/times/people really vividly at times.  It seems like when I go through something life/mind altering, I remember everything to the smallest, most insignificant detail....

Like on that day, one year ago to this date...When that phone rang & I saw it was Gen...My heart jumped.  She never called that early on the weekend.......When I picked up & she told me our girl was gone in her faint voice, I felt this indescribable wrenching in my stomach.  Like someone was actually "wringing" me out like you would a dish towel.

I couldn't speak, rather I didn't want to speak.  I never know what to ask.  Never been a really "nosey" person.  I've always felt the information I really need to know, someone will give me.  If I have to pry/ask questions...it's really not my business........But, I knew this was my business.  Thelma DEFINITELY was my business. I just couldn't find any words and knowing me, Gen knew that.  So she told me what she knew, said she would call me back when she found out anything else and she left me alone.....

All who really know me, know that when I'm going through...I want to be left alone.  When I need to, I reach out for help/words from the people I love.  Other than that, I just want my space.

The day was clear...pretty much like it is today....I was home alone, my daughter was out.  So I probably could have slept the day away...but instead, I cleaned.  I don't know why cleaning is my comfort sometimes, it just is....as I was cleaning, I saw that my Rush cd was laid on the stereo console....The last time I listened to it was when Thelma was visiting me for Thanksgiving & we listened together.  We both loved music you would never have thought we would listen to.  But Tom Sawyer was our JAM!!!! LOL.....

It was just really strange to me that I happened to look upon that cd that day.  I know I had cleaned the living room MANY times between Thanksgiving and the day I found out she was gone....I didn't remember seeing it out...but that was my cue I guess to play Rush while I cleaned...and think of my Thelma, my Twin, my <3.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Twin, I know you're reading too.  I love you.  Peace.

Come on Sons.....

"Y'all niggas deal with emotions like bitches. What's sad is I love you cuz you my brother....."

Yeah, yeah I know....Nasir goes hard on Jay Z with that line....But, whenever I hear that line, it rings so true to me.

Over the past few months, my perception of men. Actually my perception of black men specifically (because they're the ones I care about, #realtalk) has been altered a little....well....A LOT.

Ok, ok....before some stop reading, let me put this disclaimer out there:

"I LOVE MY BLACK WARRIORS. I GAVE LIFE TO A BLACK WARRIOR. I AM NOT TRYING TO BASH, DEMEAN, DEGRADE, DISRESPECT....BUT JUST LIKE MEN ACKNOWLEDGE OUR FLAWS AS BLACK WOMEN....IT IS VERY NECESSARY I ADDRESS THIS."

Men these days....Excuse me, SOME men these days are acting REALLY FEMININE.....I mean the *side eye*, wtf, O_o type of feminine.....And this is REALLY starting to unnerve me!

Seriously, I'm starting to feel like I'm in some sort of parallel universe or Bizarro World. Where gender roles have been switched completely.

Dudes are wigging out over ended relationships. Doing things strictly for spite/revenge. Behaving like the stereotypical "woMAN scorned" instead of moving on. Leaving the women to wonder, "Damn! Was it that good to him? SHEESH!" LOL...just kidding/not really.

Then we have dudes being EXTREMELY over-sensitive these days. Like they're the ones who are PMSing or MENopausal. You have to "tip-toe" around everything you say/do with them or they'll jump all over you like a guilty cheating spouse who's trying to blame you for their cheating ways.

Next, we have these "Wallona Woods" type dudes emerging. The "Rona Barretts of the projects" *James Evans' voice* so to speak. These are the ones looking for, welcoming & spreading all the latest "dish". Very seldom checking out stories & often naming false sources to make their story more believable. It's no longer true at all that women gossip more than men. I've seen with my own eyes a dude come up with the..."Did you hear about?" Then I'll say, "Naw, I didn't & I really don't want to know. That way no one can say I said anything."....Then the dude next to me was like, "Well, tell me. What happened?" *smdh*

But, to me, what's most egregious about these REALLY FEMININE dudes is when they're so swift to scream....."I'm a thug!", "I'm a man!", "I'm gangsta, gonna be gangsta til I die!"
But er ah....This is the one crying/screaming/throwing fits cuz the sista said she's done. The one posting songs on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter to dis her. Telling his boys she's a ho/trick/bitch.....Is she really now? Ummm, son....you was with that ho trick bitch for a minute with no complaints.....AND....it is ELEMENTARY pimp game, that when you telling a dude how freaky/nasty a chick is....What is he gonna do???? Let's all say it together-----HE'S GONNA TELL HER WHAT YOU SAID AS HE TRIES TO HOLLA AT HER!!!! #duh

So now this "gangsta" dude is REALLY mad. Calling/texting her, her friends, family...freaking out cuz she's not responding. Then the rumor spreads....She's got a new dude. She upgraded BIG TIME & she's cool.....Oh boy....here comes another virtual/cyber HISSY FIT!!! #buthe'sgangsta LMAO

Now, I would be remiss if I left this REALLY FEMININE dude out........Let me start by saying, I do know that these reality shows are addictive. I tried, but I have to admit that the little TV I watch may involve one, two....ok THREE reality shows (I LOVE TI & TINY, LOL).....but that's cool, mainly because they're geared to my demographic.....I can't even trip if you're a dude & you do become addicted to The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Basketball Wives, Love & Hip Hop, etc.....my issue is when you Facebook/Twitter beef about it!!!!! #comeonsons

Bottom Line??? I want out of this Matrix/Bizarro World!!! I want my strong MASCULINE brothers ALL BACK.....There are a lot still out there & maybe these other brothers aren't realizing the errors of their ways. But, the ones exhibiting this type of behavior have women like me looking at you REALLY sideways...and that is NOT COOL!!! SO STOP IT!!!

If any of these actions/descriptions/scenarios seem familiar to you as something you do/have seen done and you're offended by my opinion....I apologize if I struck a nerve....but NOT for what I've said.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. "Warrior keep fighting I know you're there. Keep fighting warrior I know you're there." ~ Jill Scott....Peace

The Things People Say........

I closed the door on 2012 listening to my "boo in my head"...Prince Rogers Nelson....I mean all of the cd's of his I have (which I have quite a few) are strewn all over my floor in front of the stereo waiting their turn on the 3 disc changer.

Controversy is the most appropriate theme for my life as it was in 2011. I started and ended a volatile relationship that did me (or my family) no earthly good. I still have to deal with it on some levels going into 2012....but I know everything from here on in is for the best.

I brought in this year like I did last year....Just me and my baby girl. The last of my brood. The last one who will be leaving me to start her own life in just over 18 months. I told her, as I truly believe, we're going to have a better year this year.

It may not start off exactly how we may want....but it will end in a PHENOMENAL way. The "light" I have can already see GREAT things in store.

My oldest daughter will graduate college in July. While it will be a somber day because I KNOW that her Gigi would have LOVED to see her receive her degree....it will be a TRIUMPHANT day because she did it! July can't get here fast enough! I am SUPER EXCITED!!!

My son will get his opportunity at the University of Maryland....I've already claimed that for him. He is so deserving and so driven....Then my baby girl who already has colleges filling up my mailbox. Will continue to flourish academically/emotionally.....Me? Well, I feel like I've always felt....As long as those three are ok...I'm FABULOUS!!!

I've heard all the gossip/lies/controversy being circulated about me. About how I'm living/loving....I really don't care. I'm doing me, the best me I know how to be. I'm loving for me and being loved for me. I'm still not hating, because I don't have the energy or desire to do so.....but, at the same time, I'm not taking ANY SHORTS.....

At the end of the day. In my eyes, the most important opinion about me. About what I do/see/how I live belongs to the three I nursed/comforted/cared for/fought for. The three I would lie for/die for/live for/fight for.....As long as they know who I am....who I want to be....who I will become...what I will do.....

I could care less about he said/she said/the wall said......LOL

In therapy....the main thing I always say when asked that annoying therapist's question, "Do you have thoughts of hurting/killing yourself?"....I say, "Not at ALL!!!"....Then when asked, "Why?"....I say, "I would NEVER hurt my children like that.".....They are what I LIVE for.....No one else or their opinion can trump that. I don't know why they continue to try. #strong

Follow me on Twitter @RavenAboutMe or email me at Raven@nga-radio.com

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Have a safe & prosperous new year!!! Peace