Losing but Winning....

I've been putting this one off for a few weeks...I know this is going to be emotional and may be a little bit of a downer for Christmas....I even started to wait a few hours to write. But, then again...why?

This is me, this blog is for me....I just let you all be nosy. LOL/JK.....

While I'm sitting here watching my Celts game I dvr'd, all these thoughts just came rushing in and I just had to sit back in my recliner & put them down. Besides, I already know the outcome of the game. My guys will lose by 2. :(

The past 3 years of my life people have been taken away from me left & right. These past 3 years of my life I have been taking myself away from people just the same....While at the same time CLINGING for dear LIFE to people I feel I NEED to be with me.

I lost my aunt, my Mama & one of my best friends in that order all within these 3 years. I've taken myself away from people & situations that have made me unhappy/unproductive and I'm clinging to the beautiful friendships/relationships I have now.

I almost lost one of those friendships a couple of weeks ago. I died a little inside when I heard what happened...but the friend in me knew what I heard wasn't my friend....that was NOT his spirit. I pray/meditate everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day....I pray for my family (note: in my eyes "family" & "relatives" are different...I pray for my FAMILY)....I pray for specific things for each of my children...I call each of their names as I pray....I call each of my friends' names when I pray for them.....I guess that's the detailed person I am making sure He knows exactly who I'm praying for...Even though I know He already knows. I truly feel that my specific prayer for my friend was a small part of the reason He didn't take him from me.

I've gained valuable friendships/relationships in these years as well. I feel the people in my life now know who I am and accept me for me. No questions/no qualms/no bullshit (pardon my French, lol)....

There is a peace about my life I've gained in the past 30 days that I haven't had in the past 30 years....and I LOVE it!!!

My oldest daughter blessed me beyond measure this morning with her Christmas gift to me....My mother loved to read...but she was a writer as well. (I guess that's where I get it from.) My daughter asked her to write a journal for her. When Mama passed I thought it was only appropriate that since she asked her to do it, that she get to keep the journal.

There was an entry on June 17, 2009 where my Mama wrote explaining why she left my father and apologizing for what she felt she "put me through" as a child.....the thing is, even though I may have had to grow up a little fast. I never loved my mother any less. I would have laid down my own life 2 years ago if the doctors would have told me it would have saved her. She was my HEART and I still feel a hole in it where she should be PHYSICALLY here with me. I know people always says, "She's with you." #blahblahblah....but the selfish only child who doesn't have a mother or father PHYSICALLY here with her. Doesn't want to hear all that.

When my baby, my first girl "doll", my "Shugga Pie" said to me, "Ma, that's your gift in that frame against the wall." and I turned it around and saw those pages & pictures in that frame. I burst immediately into tears. Sad, but good tears.....Hurt, but I'm going to be ok tears....I guess..........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

God's Will..........

I'm not sure how many people actually view my blog regularly or how long they have been following me or how many "stalkers" I have just coming around to be nosy...Well, I know of two "stalkers"....but if there are any more, I'm not sure. LOL

Well, for all of you reading...old & new...Let me just say what I've said in the beginning as a disclaimer for what you're about to read (you can stop reading at any time)......

I write this blog for ME.....I just let everyone in because it's liberating to me and I really don't care what people think of me....as long as you THINK.....

I recently found this song again and haven't been able to get it out of my head. When I first heard it years ago I said, "That's pretty." And went on to listen to the other songs.....What I really like about this song is how there is a dramatically powerful crescendo at the end....it makes this already emotional song seem like it "physically" is pulling you to feel something/anything.

I like to go to sleep with music....always have since I was little and my Daddy used to put my clock radio on the Classical station when he put me to bed. Ironically, while I love the sound of a violin (especially in a WuTang song, lol)...I can't stand Classical Music now. *kanye shrug*......Well, one night while sleeping with this cd (Testimony: vol. 1, Love & Relationship) playing, the words caught my ear & woke me up....

It was like a dream...I felt like, "Wait a second....Is she actually talking to me? What's going on?" So when I played it back, I was like WOW!!! It's like she did know what I'm going through...what I've gone through...where I'm going......

Starting with, "Good morning silence, good morning to myself." Now that I'm totally alone again...I realized how much I enjoy the silence of my morning....how good it feels to be able to wake up & make as much noise as I want to. Play my music as loud as I want to. Open the blinds & turn on the lights, make my room as bright as I want to......But.....

Then with her verse, "Good morning independence or is it loneliness. I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets. I pray for God's Will to be done...The very next day you were gone..." She straight up SPOOKED me.........I'm independent because I have to do things on my own now....but in many ways I always did.....the "spooky" part was that the day before we separated, I think my knees were raw from me being on them so long. My biggest worry about separating from my husband was not him or me...it was "them"....The kids, the family, the in-laws......Then after talking to the kids & my family, that worry subsided...After a conversation with my sister-in-law, the in-laws weren't a worry anymore either. *looks back at that last sentence* I'll just leave that alone. lol

I wasn't worried about him or me, because I knew this was the best thing for "us"....Neither of us were happy with one another, for whatever reasons....people are speculating what those reasons were/are as I type. #withtheirnosybehinds lol

Now I will readily admit. The first time I REALLY heard her verse..."Good morning to the harsh realities of life. Good morning to the fact that we're not husband & wife. We made a vow to stay. But destiny got in the way..." I was hurt....the second or maybe third time (I listened to this song on repeat for hours)....I cried....Not because I felt we made a mistake. More because I felt it was saying (to me), we were destined to fail. "Destiny" knew we would fail. :-(

"Good morning acceptance. Good morning inner strength. I'm loving every moment of it. Even the strain...." When I heard this verse, I immediately knew what the song & the crescendo were doing.....It's a build up...it's an evolution....just like my life.....I'm loving it, the people in it and what I see it becoming.

The song starts with the pain & heartbreak in the beginning. Then each verse sees the evolution to a breakthrough...to knowing truly what "God's Will" for you is.

"Good morning optimism. Good morning to my fate. Good morning to the beginning of a brand new day...I know that God's Will will be done. So I lay down that pain and I'm moving on." When I analyzed this verse as it applies to me...."the pain" I was "laying down" (actually any pain she speaks of in this song), I didn't attribute to my husband.....I loved him then, love him still...I want him to be as happy as I want myself to be. There is no pain or hurt when I speak his name.....

The "pain" I think of is a sort of pain like when you have a deep splinter stuck in your skin but you don't know quite what it is & you can't see it because it's so close to/deep inside your skin & it hurts like hell while it's still with you...and any little thing can aggravate the pain....But once you find it and get it out the pain is gone immediately......That was the kind of pain I laid down more like a "PAIN IN THE BUTT" I recently let go of. *giggling*....See, you all thought this was going to be an all sad and serious blog entry...Didn't you? #sike :-)

"I know that God's Will will be done. So it's a good morning after all." That's how the song ends....I say, I know that God's Will will be done. So it's a good LIFE after all.....Stay tuned. ;-)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Really Broken.........

Well, I got through another holiday....and I'm still here. #barely  I find myself going through the motions sometimes.  Just making sure I wake, shower, eat (sometimes), shower, sleep...or rather go to bed.  Some days I still don't sleep.....but surprisingly enough, it's a "better" restlessness.  I feel free again.....I feel peaceful....that's something I haven't felt in a long time......
I've had a few serious relationships in my lifetime....but when I sat doing the yoga meditation my therapist taught me...the revelation that I had was....I've never really had my heart broken....never.

Not until my Mama left me......

Thinking back I can think of how upset I may have been at the end of the relationships with my son's father, then with my daughters' father & then my husband.  But, when I think of it know.  I've come to realize that that hurt was more because I hated that our "family" was breaking up than that I hated the relationship was gone. I may have shed a few tears and maybe cursed someone out.....but never had that gut wrenching, can't get out of bed, eyes all puffy and red hurt until she left......Thankfully, I haven't had it since either.  Mainly because I'm still not over the heartbreak of losing her.
I did just go through a sort of "dramatic" end to a relationship.  But, it wasn't on my part.  My I guess you call it "catch phrase" when chaos ensues is, "I'm cool."  Because nine times out of ten, I am.  I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.....I also believe in following my intuition....to a point where one of my friends says it freaks him out. lol....For example, we were heading to the mechanic to get some work done on my car.  We were using the GPS and I didn't turn when it told me to.  It gave me the direction, "make the next safe u-turn"?!?! First off, I didn't know navigation systems would tell you to make ILLEGAL driving moves...then as we fussed about where I would make this turn, I said, "this doesn't FEEL right" and turned the GPS off and said I would stop at the next business & ask directions.  The next business was the oil change shop that was owned by the body shop we were heading to & one of the guys was heading there to drop off a part & let us follow him. Nothing was said the whole way there except by me...it was a swift "I told you about my light (intuition)." #Iknowthatwaspetty lol
Following my intuition I really believe has allowed me to bounce back quickly from the failed relationships in my life.  To move on without bitterness/hate/ire towards the other person....That intuition and the fact that I know and have seen that karma takes care of everything. Sometimes it goes slow as a glacier....sometimes it's swift like wildfire.  But, for some reason and I probably know what that reason is, I haven't bounced back from the heartbreak of losing my Mama/best friend/support system as quickly as I would like.  It has been 2 years and 3 holiday seasons.....I still can't get that pain out of my chest.  Where it tightens up like someone is holding your heart in their hand and squeezing tighter and tighter.
I still burst out in tears for simple things.  Like if "Gold Digger" by Kanye comes on (that was her JAM! lol) or when I'm watching something & I think of what she would say if we were watching together or her laugh or the way she would throw both her hands in the air & say "whatever" :)..I've gotten better with the tears.  I know how to "kind of" stop them if someone walks by.  I know how to creatively run my hand across my face to wipe them so people think I'm just rubbing my face.  I know people always say, "If you need to cry, cry."  That's not my problem....I don't mind that....It's the private person in me that wants me to be the only one who see those tears. Whether they be sad tears or happy tears....Sometimes they are happy tears.  But either way, I sometimes want to be the only one who knows about them. The only one who sees them......well, me and the one my heart breaks for.....Mama <3

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Stop Bangin Your Head....

Today's post comes with the news that another Hip Hop pioneer is in poor health.  Erick Sermon aka The Green Eyed Bandit and half of the trailblazing/legendary duo EPMD (Erick & Parrish Makin' Dollars)...Sermon suffered a heart attack yesterday at 42 YEARS OLD!!!
Last week I'm looking at someone just a little older than me (Heavy D) leaving this life for his reward....and today someone roughly 2 years YOUNGER than me, suffering a heart attack.  I'm not sure about anyone else, but when I was 21/22 I never thought of myself as "middle-aged"....I felt I was just getting started.
When you hear people speak of us being in our "last days" I often say, each day that we live brings us closer to the "last" so live like there is no tomorrow.  Live for yourself and your love.
I personally have known a few "younger" people who had suffered heart attacks.  One of my best friends (my Twin) recently succumbed to one at 41 just this past year.  I feel an ache in my heart every time I speak of her and how she may have felt leaving this life so young.  I know how I feel without her.  #lost/lonely/ill-preparedforlife
I really have focused more on my own mortality since my parents and my aunt have left.  While my Daddy was 73 when he left me, some may say he had lived his life and it was his time....I say when I last saw him in that room at Amsterdam House (his nursing home in Harlem, NY) he was getting better.  His "light" was coming back.  Even though I was comfortable with the "last goodbye" we had, my selfishness wanted more time.  Then my aunt left just a few months short of her 68th birthday and then my Mama leaves me a few months after her 67th birthday....it just leaves me to wonder.  How much time I have left. Where/how will my story end?
Well, I do know that all of that is not at all up to me.  So I have to go with the flow and continue to live my life.  I do know that part of my flow will include doing things I've always wanted/needed to do and connecting with those I need to connect with while at the same time dis-connecting with those who don't (possibly never did) fit.  I can not look back on things past and keep banging my head over what could have/would have been.  I just know that there is so much more in store for me and mine.
I send this post with well wishes/prayers for the recovery of Erick Sermon and any one else reading in need of prayer.  We should all stop banging our heads with what if's and why not's ("What if I was smaller?", "What if I were lighter?", "What if I had more money?", "Why doesn't he/she like me?", "Why do I keep believing when I know he/she is lying?", "Why do I keep loving when they don't love me?")......Just stop it! Start focusing on what you know to be good about you. We all have something/s.  Embrace it! Keep your head banging with the positive.....

Follow me on Twitter @RavenAboutMe or email me at Raven@nga-radio.com

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

What Are We Gonna Do???

This past two weeks have been liberating, solemn and eye-opening to say the least for me.  Culminating with the tragic news of the departure from this life by a true trailblazer of Hip Hop, Heavy D.  I remember meeting him in person when I lived in Milwaukee at Summerfest (an annual Summer concert series).  He shook my hand with both of his and looked me right in the eye when he said, "Very nice to meet you cutie."  I'm sure he said that a thousand other times to a thousand other people and I'm sure each one felt it was as genuine as I did.  I'm sure he will be sorely missed by those who knew him personally.  I did not know him at all and am deeply saddened.

Of course my emotional roller coaster started with the "anniversary" of the days leading up to the day my Mama left me.  Unfortunately, outside obstructions had caused my life to be in dis-array and out of sorts for the past few months.  I am working and have worked to put everything in order....I'm just about there.  

I'm loving the way everything is coming together.  It seems as if spending the entire day Saturday (the date my Mama left) in bed sulking was a re-birth for me.  It seems as if I closed my eyes that night and when I opened them I could see again.

I have no desire to look back at or dwell on anything in the past.  That is counter-productive to where I'm going and what I'm getting.  No hate, no animosity, no fear.....Just upward, forward and onward is what I'm "gonna" do....I have people that have been and will be in my life for the right reasons.  I've let go and will let God deal with those who were there for the wrong reasons.  Ok, ok....I will admit.  I kind of helped Him a little.  But hey, I'm human....and it was SOOOOO necessary and kind of funny. *kanye shrug*

But, I've shaken it off and aside from the necessary "paperwork".  I don't have to address any of that foolishness anymore....

Looking/realizing the age Dwight E. Myers (Heavy D.) was....He was only a little less than a year older than me.  My thoughts about what I haven't yet done overwhelmed me.  I am really focused now on what I want for me and my children in the years to come.  Knowing that tomorrow is not promised to any of us, I'm focused on doing for them AND me, the things I know we want to/need to do......Now I know what "we are" gonna do.....What are YOU gonna do??? #don'tworryI'llwait ;-)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. (Even the stalkers, lol) Peace.

Neutral

I just want to tell the world to SLOW THE HELL DOWN!!!  Run in neutral sometimes and let me catch up to everything/everyone around me.  These DAYS that mark the DAYS that were her last DAYS are zooming in on me and my heart is NOT ready......
Thursdays since she left me have been the worse.  My "friend" (term used with caution) was the first to point out to me that all of the tragedies happened on Thursday.  She went into the hospital one Thursday, left me the next and was interned the next Thursday......
Now it seems like as soon as the weekend is over, Thursday is here again.  Usually, that would be a great thing. Looking forward to the weekend.  But it seems that just as fast as Thursday gets here, it takes FOREVER to leave.  It seems as if it's my LONGEST day of the week because I think about it so much.
In therapy, she tells me to "plan something" to do special on Thursdays....I really can't "plan" anything.  My days are pretty much routine running around with a little "me time" in the middle....or even worse....the running back and forth with me just laying/crying in bed until it's time to run around some more.
The twists/turns/flips my life is doing right now really need her voice.  Honestly, because of the relationship my Mama and I had, I never really went to her for "advice" per se....Just sort of a sounding board to bounce my thoughts off of.  I was going to choose my own path right or wrong & right or wrong, she would be right there with me to weather the storm or to bask in the glory.  My sidekick/home girl/road warrior.....
Now, I'm the lone ranger....I have family/my kids....but there is nothing like Mama's ear....her neutral tone, her positive aura, her being my savior from negativity........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Emergency Contact

....

"Pull up to yo' spot on low. Shinin' brighter than all of the cats they got on glow."

This is me ALL DAY.  I love Mos Def and this is one of my FAVORITE songs by him solo, outside of BlackStar.  (SN:  Dave Chappelle looks BAKED in this video. #random LOL)

This is a hater anthem (one of the BEST in hip hop), when I first put it back in heavy rotation in my home/car/head.  I saw it JUST as that.  I was having drama/confusion/ridiculousness brought on by a hater and I was using this song to keep me level. It worked, as music often does...besides that, I know all too well the circumstances of the hater and how pitiful they are, so I'll just brush "him" off and let life take care of  "him".

I thank God that I'm relatively in good health.  I have a few small things going on, but nothing life threatening.  This month being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I went to get my yearly mammogram and just got the results that I'm fine.  I know a few "Survivors"....One in particular I REALLY feel that "he" needs to focus on staying healthy and let go of fantasy and grab onto reality so "he" can be around for "his" kids.  But, oh well....that's on "him" if "he" doesn't.   I have family & friends to live for and that's basically the ONLY thing that keeps me going when this time of year rolls around.  This is the time of year when she left me and my heart has not been the same since.

I was in the doctor's office yesterday "updating" my medical information.  As I got to the section for "Emergency Contact", I stopped and my eyes filled up.  I HATE to cry (even though I do it damn near daily)...but I ESPECIALLY hate to cry in front of people/strangers.  I don't want anyone's pity.  As I tried to will the tears back into my face, I tried to continue writing the info for my "Emergency Contact"....Having worked in the medical field, I know that it's best to have a local emergency contact in case someone needs to get to you right away....I didn't have anyone locally that I would be relieved to see if I was scared and laid up in a hospital.  My adult children are in different cities and my Mama is GONE.  My aunt is local, but she freaks out easily and can REALLY exhaust me. LBS...

I cried even more when I realized how important having an "Emergency Contact" was to me.  Even when I was married, every time I filled out ANY form that asked for an emergency contact.....my Mama was the FIRST and sometime ONLY name on the list.  Don't judge (well, if you do...so what), but my life insurance left more to my Mama & my children than my husband and put her in control of my minor child in the event of my death.  It wasn't that I didn't love or trust my husband (at least I don't think that was the reason at that time), I just felt that he would still be able to work and survive...I needed her to be able to go on and take care of my kids for me with some sort of financial security.

I finally was able to pull myself together and put my aunt's name as the contact, not that I don't love her....I just would have preferred someone closer to my heart....outside of my children there is NO ONE closer to my heart than my Mama....I don't like this time of year because it seems like a "countdown" to my tragedy.  Coming soon will be two years since she left me and my world crumbled....it's not quite back together, but I was trying to get there.  I've even had some "new" and old help/support/love getting there.  I've recently had another obstacle on my road, but I am trying HARD to be an overcomer.....it's "seems" to be working....stay tuned....

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.~ Follow me on Twitter @RavenAboutMe

Homicide....

I know I've been gone for a minute this time.  Over a month....That is not to say I haven't had things to write about, it's just to say, there is SO much to write about I don't know where to start......I could go personal, but I will save that for when my wounds are not so fresh and when I know where my resolution for peace is.

"Homicide's illegal and death is the penalty.  What justifies the homicide?  When he dies in his own inequity?" ~ Masta Killa (WuTang Clan) "Da Mystery of Chessboxin'"

I am more than sure that you all know what happened to Troy Davis last Thursday.  How the state of Georgia committed what I like to call, "Constitutional Homicide". How many of you are also aware that in the SAME STATE of Georgia on the SAME DAY, a Caucasian man was granted clemency because the board of parole felt he showed "remorse" and because he had a drug "problem".....I will be honest, I had not heard of Troy Davis, or his story until recently.  But, what I did hear was from day ONE he maintained his innocence.  That he was not guilty of killing the off duty police officer.  Now, real talk, Troy Davis was not a "model citizen"...Hell, who is?  I'm not.  I roll through stop signs, throw straw wrappers out my car window and yes I will buy "Hood Goods". #sueme LOL....But, no matter what his criminal record said...Did he deserve to die for something he quite possibly didn't do?  My stance actually is, DID HE DESERVE TO DIE AT ALL???  If in every one's Bibles or other religious doctrines it maintains that killing is a sin or wrong.  What gives the government the right/authority/omnipotence to kill in the name of justice?
I hate to think of anything happening to anyone I love or me.  But, I want to state for the record, I would prefer that a murderer be locked up for 23 hours a day for the rest of their lives than killed.  If you really think about it, when they die...THEY'RE FREE!  They no longer suffer in this world and have gone on to the next and are at peace.  While the victim is still dead, the family still suffers.  No, not for me, I want them to be locked up and told when to eat, drink, breathe and use the restroom.  Why release them from this hell and leave me here to mourn/suffer/grieve?
Now lastly, let me say this....while I'll readily admit that I was not aware of Troy Davis' situation until the "media" decided to start covering it.  I will say I have been aware for quite some time of the plight of Mumia Abu Jamal....You've never heard of him? Don't know what's going on?  Well here is an opportunity for all of "us" to do something before the "final hours" or last minute.  Mumia Abu Jamal has a Facebook page....Like it, find out more about him and his situation.  Or follow him @MumiaAbuJamal on Twitter.  Stand up and become involved, fight to get him off death row like many of you may have done for Troy Davis.  Not just because these are black men, or because Mumia is a political prisoner....BECAUSE THE DEATH PENALTY IS NOT JUSTICE! IT'S HOMICIDE!!!

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Evolution........

This month has been a whirlwind of change for me.  My first born moved further away from me in order to broaden his horizons.  While I am happy about what he has to look forward to, I had a hard time dealing with him leaving (I cried most of the day).  It wasn't the first time we've ever been miles apart, but I just feel that since I lost my Mama, every change, disconnect, evolution is a heart-wrenching endeavor.
I also went to my class reunion.  I have been out of high school for 25 years. WOW! I'm old. LOL......This was a bittersweet weekend. Last year around this time, I was speaking with my friend Thelma about going to these "reunion" things.  She had been down for our "All Alumni Weekend".....I didn't make it to the picnic to hang out with her because I was in one of those "moods" where I didn't feel like socializing or leaving the house.  I promised her then, I wouldn't miss another alumni picnic AND that I would go to our 25th reunion with her.......
Well, this past February, my girl, my "twin" went to heaven without me and this past weekend I went to the reunion without her.  Every time I saw something funny or someone we used to hang out with (or even talk about, lol) I thought of what she would say and how she would make me laugh.  I even thought about how we would look dancing one of those many slides together (she was a great dancer). :).....As I looked through the pictures taken by many people over the weekend, I thought of how many pictures I was in and how many pictures would there have been of me & Thelma.

These past two years have been more than a journey for me.  Right now I'm starting to see the end of the rainbow.  Everything is not as I would like it to be.  I still hurt/cry/mourn.  But, I'm finding my way.  I'll be fine.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Independence Day

As an only child, I'm used to doing things alone and/or for myself.  It physically pains me to ask someone to do something or help me. However, I always find myself being the first to ask someone I see in need. "What do you need?"  Or observing what someone needs and taking it upon myself to help them get it done.
I've found recently that sometimes you have to ask for help.....but, you have to know WHO to ask.  There are some people who pretend to have your back only for their benefit.  Sometimes they're transparent.  Sometimes they are better actors than Sir Laurence Olivier. #realtalk
Then there are people like the few....let me say that again FEW, VERY FEW, not a lot, minute, minuscule, scant number of friends I have....that have my back, front, side, top & bottom. #realtalkagain
Sometimes you have to let your guard down and read people around you.  Sometimes they want to help and don't know how. They need you to tell them what to do, how to do it, how to help. That doesn't necessarily mean they're that person who doesn't want to help....They're just the person who needs a little "help" with helping.  lol
It really gets under my skin when people ask, "Do you want me to....?"  For instance, you see me struggling to bring bags in the house and ask, "Do you want me to help you with those?" Ummmm, no!!!! I would like to struggle and possibly break something I just bought! WTF?!?!?! LBDAS!!!
I guess I'm the personality who needs someone like myself.  Proactive, just get it done.  Have the answer before the question. #jeopardyplug lol.......In my relationships, I will ask my mate/friend for help....ONE TIME....I won't ask again, I'll either do it myself or pay someone else to do it for me.  For some reason, to me asking over and over is like begging.  The value I give myself will NOT allow me to "BEG" for ANYTHING!  Be it favors, money, time, food or LOVE.  My support system of certain family members and friends makes it unnecessary for me to have to beg.  If I ask you once and you don't do it,  I'll give a courtesy reminder and then if it's still not done....I'm doing it myself.  I won't bring it up that I had to do it because you didn't....I'll just gain more knowledge of what I can get accomplished solo and how independent I truly am.
In this new life of mine, I'm enjoying "re"-learning the things I can do.  "Re"-learning what it feels like to answer to no one.  "Re"-learning why I like being with me so much. :)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Liberation

Most of the time when I come into my room the first thing I turn on after the light is my stereo/radio/or laptop music library....I'm not really into television unless there is something specific I want to see (cartoons, basketball, a good sitcom, etc...). Half the time I have to remember to turn my tv on. lol
Music is my salvation, it makes me smile and tells me stories I need to hear. This song by Outkast with CeeLo, Big Rube andErykah Badu is on my top FIVE of favorite rap songs of all time (YES, OF ALL TIME).
Andre Benjamin wrote this, he must have been right inside my head when he penned these lyrics. Just to go through it a little, it starts...."There's a fine line between love and hate, you see, came way too late but baby I'm on it..."
Very true words. If you had told me a year ago, hell, three months ago that I would be at this point in my life/love/emotion, I would've been REALLY surprised. I would've said, "No, I don't think I'd turn back the clock like that." But, that's what I'm looking at/living with. I'm tight rope walking on that "fine line".....The spirituality of my being doesn't allow me to accept the word "hate" into my vocabulary. However, I'm not a "We Are The World" type of person where I "love" everyone. People I have "no love" for receive pity/sympathy/apathy. In my opinion, hate is an emotion that requires twice as much energy as love. So I don't have time for it. I have faith in the rules of the universe. The 360 degree rotation of the universe and it's beings/events/circumstances will eventually take care of each situation in it's due time. Without any help from me. I just have to wait patiently and govern myself accordingly. This is where I fall short sometimes. Oh well, I'm only human. With all the self-esteem/confidence/love of self I have, I still am not perfect and make mistakes. The key to those mistakes for me is that I learn from them and grow. God doesn't allow you another year of life to do the same things, the same ways you did in the previous year. Unless you did everything perfectly and made no mistakes.....But, if that were true, you would be God. LBS
I'm often told that I'm "mean" I think mainly because of the directness of what I say more than that I'm actually an unfeeling/selfish/mean person. I don't answer to/accept/embrace any of those characteristics. I know the loving person that I am and so do those around me. One thing I know I'm not, something that can never be said of me is that I'm fake. I keep it 100 24/7/365. If you don't want to know the truth, ask someone else the question is my motto. That's where another verse comes up, "Can't worry 'bout what another nigga think, now see, that's liberation and baby I want it...." In my life now, the situations I'm in, as well as the situations that have been thrown at me. I decide the path I'm going to take to deal with my issues. I will listen to what others have to say, but ultimately, it's my life/happiness/well being as well as that of my children, that is first and foremost for me. No one knows what's best for me like me.
You would think once this new chapter of life opened for me I would keep moving forward instead of looking back. Well, sometimes when you see something from the past that had value, you have to dust it off and put it back in use. Sometimes it will work for a while & then break down again. Sometimes it will continue to work without a glitch.
Like CeeLo sings, "If I sacrifice every breath I breathe to make you believe. I'd give my life away..." Please always take me at my word? My word is my bond, I'm not a liar. I'm not selfish either. If I take the time to tell you how I feel/what I want, that's because I value you/us/WE enough to share that part of me with you. I'm a private person (that only child thing). So when I share anything, ESPECIALLY feelings....that is a HUGE deal.
"I'm so tired, so tired my feet feel like I've walked most of the road on my own........." For so long I've been independent, even when I was part of a "team". But, now I'm "liberated" to the point where I have to say "excuse me" to the person/people who are walking on the road with me because we're bumping into one another.
So what I'm on now is embracing this "Liberation" so I will just,"shake that load off...." and "keep my head to the sky......" Mainly because that's what the Queen in me has to do.

Damn, Andre 3000 hit REAL HARD with these lyrics!!! <3 Outkast

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Patronizing........

This title word and it's definition really get under my skin.  I don't like to patronize people and I DEFINITELY don't like when someone tries to patronize me.  It's an EXTREME insult to my intelligence.  Ask anyone who really knows me and they will tell you that I would rather you punch me than to treat me like I'm an idiot. LBS.....
Lately, I've found that some people are so smart....THEY'RE DUMB AS HELL!!! I've heard older people say that my whole life, but never realized until recently what they meant.  Some people can "smart" themselves into catch 22 situations that they don't even know they're in.  You know why they don't know?  Because they are too stupid to know.  #sadbuttrue
Then the sadder thing is that what they do not only affects them, but it affects those around them.  Well, maybe all the time it's not a sad thing.  Sometimes when a person sees another person going in a bad direction they may say, "I don't want that to be me.  That is not normal."  But, too often, it's someone looking at bad behavior saying, "This is normal.  This is how life is."
After all of the loss and pain of my life, I want and will have my life as "normal" as possible.  The perfect amount of normalcy for me would of course include my Mama....but wishful thinking aside....I know that the normalcy I will have from this day forth will include the love I have been giving/receiving from those around me who CLEARLY love me.  It will be minus drama/pettiness/foolishness....Insignificant people and their events will be handled the way the Universe has designed and I will not focus my energy on them or any of their negativity.....I'm too FABULOUS for FOOLISHNESS. #newmotto LOL

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

RESPECT YOURSELF!!!

This is one of my all time favorite movies....Not ONLY because Denzel & Wesley are finer than a MF in it. LOL....But because of the story.

Of course we've all known and/or dealt with a "Bleek" type (male or female)...That's not the part of the story I really like. I go a little deeper with it.....

Look at the women, Clark & Indigo. They were dealing with Bleek and knew what he was up to....but, who did they take issue with? THAT'S RIGHT....BLEEK!!! Not one another.

Throughout my life/loves/relationships, I can say that when a "Bleek" situation came up (and too often for my taste it did come up)....my point of contact was my man. The one who said he was with me, committed to me, even that he loved me.

Too many times, people with low self-esteem and no respect for themselves will come at the wrong person when the object of their affection no longer wants them. They will come for the new love. Knowing often times that the new love is unaware or in some cases doesn't care of their existence.

What amazes me is the lengths that some will go. The methods they will use. The way they will degrade themselves (and others who are dumb enough to get involved). They will go through all of this to no avail.....sometimes it will end the new relationship....sometimes it will make the new relationship stronger....but hardly ever will it make the person who DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BEGIN WITH WANT YOU AGAIN!!!

This is particularly why I always tell my children how much I love them and how great they are. Honestly, I think too many parents may have dropped the ball on that. Instilling self-esteem in our children is a duty as a parent just as much as it is to feed or clothe them. When parents don't, you end up with crazed/psychotic/irrational people who stalk/maim/violate others. Don't believe me? Go to your county jail and talk to some of the inmates. Listen to them say how they're locked up for stalking or beating up their girlfriend/baby-mama's new dude. Go to the hood and talk to Boomquidra and ask her about one of her three baby-daddy's. Listen to her talk bad about his new woman and how she sat outside her house with the kids all night just because or bust HER (not his) car windows. Just straight pathetic foolishness. *smdh*

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Hiatus.....

I've been gone more than a month from this blog.  Not because I didn't have anything to say or because I gave up on it.  Mainly because it kind of hurt too much to be here.
The month of May with Mother's Day, Mama's Birthday and even Memorial Day put me in a DEEP funk.  I was out of "myself" (for lack of a better way to put it).....
The beginning of the month was alright.  The election I was involved with went well and our candidate won! :)....Being busy helping with that took up the first week of the month and kept my mind occupied.  But right after was Mother's Day.....I think I handled it pretty well.  For it to be the second one without her, I didn't cry half as much as the first.  Although I did stay in bed all day. *shrug*
Then her birthday came on the 27th of the month.  Again, I didn't cry as much as the first year.....I even managed to smile.  I had just gotten the finishing touches put on the tattoo (something called a derma-piercing) and for some reason, that made me feel better.  I didn't even cry at that like I did when I first got her name tattooed on my shoulder.
The day that hurt me the most I think was Memorial Day.....Crazy ain't it?  I just really couldn't handle that day.  Not because I had gone out to the cemetery or anything like that. I don't believe in the yearly trip to clean off the plot.  People at the cemetery are paid to do that.  In my opinion, she's not there, so why should I be?  I think it was mainly because I knew this was the time we would celebrate her day.  It was mainly (to me) a holiday for her.  I barbecued like I do every year, even though it was just me and my youngest daughter, but the whole day seemed like slow motion to me.  I cried a lot, my stomach was in knots a lot.
For some reason, the month of June hasn't turned out any better for me.  The absolute BEST part was my daughter turning 16 and seeming to enjoy her day (and the J. Cole concert the week before, lol).  I feel lately, that their joy is really my joy.  I don't seem to have a lot of joy outside of them.  I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but right now it's keeping me going.
Father's day wasn't so bad.  I talked with and spent the day with people I love.  I cried a little, but it was ok.  I think most of my tears lately have been because I'm beginning to realize that "I'm the one".  The center of my little family.  I have to count on ME for everything, but I'm not sure if "ME" can handle "everything" (bad grammar intended, lol).....
Anywho, what I'm going to do for me, them and the others I love is weather the storm and keep my back strong and ride this whole thing called "Life" until the wheels fall off.  I can't say there will be no more tears, because sometimes I need that "mental cleansing"....But, I can say there will be no more letting my tears get the best of me and my joy.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Thinking........

This is all I've been doing lately. Thinking. Trying to make sure I'm making the right decisions for my life/love/future......I'm trying not to move too fast....or too slow. I know that life is short and it's definitely too short to let little things stress you or to let big things leave you.

I also know that when you look back on life and it's experiences some things/memories/AND PEOPLE in the past should stay in the past. Just because I've changed, I can't expect everyone to have changed. Just because I've changed for the better (which I feel I have). I have to realize that some people may have changed, but they may have changed for the WORSE.

Some people allow the past to alter them in a way that is detrimental to them and all around them. I chose not to be one of those people. I chose to learn from the past and not let it hinder my progress in the future. That is where my forgiving nature comes in.

I know some people may look back and remember some things that have happened to them and cringe at the thought of forgiveness. I can't lie, it may take time for me to forgive. But I DO FORGIVE. And not that phony type of forgiveness..."I forgive but I can't forget." If you have to say that before forgiving, then just forget it. Of COURSE you're not going to forget. All life experiences are part of your memory and some of them are ingrained there, never to be forgotten. However, you must look PAST the PAST.

That is what I've tried to do over these last few months. I know all is forgiven, but to let someone who I had to show so much forgiveness for back in took a lot. Then when you think about it, are some people really worthy or accepting of the invitation back into your life.

Sometimes yes, sometimes HELL NO! LBVS....But, who/what you decide to let come to your future is a decision only you can make. It's also a decision only YOU have to live with.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. ~ Peace

I Guess I Did It........

This is just Mother's Day number two without her.  So many things have changed from the last Mother's Day to this one.  My life is different.  In many ways my love is different, but my heart is still the same.  It still wants her here to tell me what to do.  To listen to me speak about my troubles.  Not necessarily to offer advice, but just so I can say everything I'm feeling out loud and not be judged or worry about her telling someone else.
I said yesterday in the blink of an eye my feelings would change.  That happened all day today.  It was like someone turning on and off a light switch.  I would be ok until I would receive a notification on my phone that someone has posted "Happy Mother's Day" on my wall or someone would send me a text or an email saying those same words.  It hurts me to say them.  That may seem selfish or mean.  But, all day today it was a strain to get those three words out.  I don't even want to type them again.  I kept saying, "Same to you" whenever someone said them to me.
Even when my Aunt Shirley called, I couldn't say it to her.  Even though she's doesn't have children, she's like a mother to me and my cousins.  So, I used to always say the words to her.  One thing I so love about her is that she knows me.  She says I'm a lot like my parents in the way I think about things.  I guess she knew them well because she always knows the approach to take with me by just listening to my voice.  She didn't say those words to me.  I think she knew I didn't want to hear them.  I only said them really to my Nana out of obligation.
Let me clear this up....I'm not saying I didn't want any of the mothers I know to be happy today.  I want that for them everyday.  I just feel insincere when I'm "celebrating" this Hallmark holiday. The best part was my children's voices saying the three words to me and the PRETTY pendant my littlest one gave me.  It says "MAMA".  I love that she chose that word instead of mom or mother.  Because I always said Mama or Ma.  It shows that she pays attention to little things just like I do. I feel bad that she had to "pay attention" to her Mama's red eyes and puffy face and the fact that I was in bed for the better part of the day....But I do talk to her and try to help her understand that I'm hurting and this is my way of healing.  While it may not be the best way, it makes me feel a little better for a little while.  I know it will get better, maybe not easier....just better.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

I Can Do It.....

Well, here comes another one.  Another day/milestone/memory.  I may as well get this blog done now.  I intended to do it tomorrow, but why wait.  Besides, I'm feeling pretty good right now. My team (Boston Celtics) just won a home game in the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals and I've got my "hair done, nails done, everything did" lol....because I'm going to celebrate my friends graduation.
Just because I feel good now, doesn't mean that within a blink of an eye I won't be a wreck again.  Yesterday was pretty stressful for all kinds of reasons, but I did it.  I have a great support system in my corner.  I think if they weren't here I would definitely fall to pieces.
Always in my corner accepting/ignoring/tolerating my mood swings and cries.  Sometimes saying nothing, sometimes saying too much.  Either way, in some sort of way it helps me know I'm not alone.  Even when I want to be alone, I know I'm not totally alone and that brings me all kinds of comfort.
I just for some reason still can't get past the symbolism of this month.  What it brings to me.  Heartache/abandon/loneliness.  She would say, "My birthday is in 20 days."  I would say, "And?" LOL....We would go to the buffet at the boat and then I would leave her there so she could get her gamble on.  I don't really like to play slots.  I feel if I put my money in a machine I should be getting candy, soda or a load of clothes washed. lbs  So I would leave her there and come back to pick her up when she was ready.  She usually broke even or won a little more than what she came with.  She was pretty lucky that way.
I just really want to lay in bed all day tomorrow.  In fact, that's what I plan to do.  Don't judge me, that's the way I cope.  It will help me.  If I lay there and cry, well...my Egyptian cotton sheets are used to it by now and pretty absorbent.  If I lay there and watch tv then so be it.  It is supposed to be my day, so I can do what I want or don't want.....RIGHT?
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

May-be Tomorrow

"I don't know how many stars there are.  Up in the heavenly sky...."

I know I would like to think the brightest star I see when I look in the sky is my Mama looking over me.  I don't know if she would be happy with me right now.  She always would get upset when I cried or when I seemed to dwell on something I can't change.  I can see/hear her now, throwing her had to the air jingling her bracelets (the ones like the one's I wear) and saying, "Ugh! Raven you gonna have to stop that!! You can't do nothing about it. So NOW WHAT?"

As a child or even as an adult, hearing that from her would be so frustrating.  I'd clam up and not respond to what she was saying and then as the rebellious youngster and then the over confident adult who thought I knew everything.  What I didn't know, I didn't want my Mama to teach me. #stubborn

Not too long ago, I was sitting working in the campaign office when two older ladies came in and sat and started talking.....Now since the office is relatively small, I could hear them trying to figure out what was the last name of one of my Mama's best friends.  Not to butt myself into the conversation, I just sat and listened.  Then I heard one of them say, 

"Last time I saw her, she was with Marcella."  

Other Lady: "Marcella who?"

First Lady:  "Pretty Marcella.  She came out with me and 1960."

Other Lady: "Yea, she was a cheerleader and she was really pretty."

That made me smile from ear to ear.  I came from around my cubicle and told them that Marcella was my 

mother.  The one lady who I had been working with from the beginning slammed her hand hard on the desk and said....

"Dammit! I KNEW there was something about YOU!"

I said to her....

"I knew there was something about you too!!!" 

And we just "laughed and laughed".  She told me how cute my Mama & Auntie were as little kids (she was older than them). 

But today, thinking about my Mama I want to "cry and cry".  I continued to say to myself, that I would stop dwelling on these dates/days/milestones and just feel what I feel when I feel it. *s/o to roy ayers.* lol

I like the way some people are drawn to me and not intimidated by the fact that I don't smile for no reason and that my direct nature is by no means malicious.  But, sometimes they go over the top with it.  Or they think I don't know the difference between nosy and concerned?

One of the ladies today asked what I had planned for Mother's Day.  When I told her nothing at all and tried to leave it at that....She kept asking, "You're not doing anything?  What about the kids?  They not doing anything for you."  Instead of responding to the Spanish Inquisition I just feined that I was busy and moved around.  But, honestly I was DEVASTATED that she wouldn't leave the subject alone and kept bothering me with it.  Like she almost wanted me to break down (remember we talked about people who do this).  

The day started out ok and just went down hill fast......So what am I doing?  I'm going to crawl back under my covers and go to sleep.  This month of May has already started off JANK for me.  With Mother's day next Sunday and Mama's birthday on the 27th May kind of sucks for me.  But, I really did try not to let it get me down this year. #toolate  Just gonna sit and bawl my eyes out and wait for the Lord to tell me how to feel and when this pain will leave me.  Maybe tomorrow I'll regroup and try not to let May take over me......

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Ain't Nobody Bad Like Me..........

Yes, here I go with my music again.  No secret to anyone that has come into any type of contact (even briefly) with me that I love Prince and anything/one he has anything to do with. LBS

One of the BEST times in my life that I can remember was when I went to see Prince's Musicology Concert Tour.  We were all on the shuttle bus headed from parking to the Allstate Arena and all of the sudden someone on the bus got notified on their cell phone that the opening act had started.  When he announced it, everyone on the bus was like, "Yea, ok.  So we'll miss some of the opening act."  Then he yelled out, "IT'S THE TIME!!!!" The bus was stuck in traffic and we weren't far from the entrance so everyone started rushing to the bus exits.  ME TOO!! It was BRUTAL waiting for the driver to open the doors so we could get out and rush into the arena. LOL

This song by The Time, while it's not one of my favorites by them (their slow jam Girl is my fav)....I think this song serves as an anthem for me. No arrogance intended.  #okmaybealittle :)

As an only child, I had to get used to people challenging me because they "thought" I would have no back up since I had no siblings.  I had to learn how to fight QUICK.  Mostly by trial and error (read: getting my ass kicked until I got it right, lol). The first thing I learned (which I think I acquired in Judo lessons), was to stay calm.  Your opponent is more thrown off when you seem cool and collected.  As I got older, I did forget these teachings and would scream/holler/curse......all to no avail.  Then as I got WISER, I went back to my initial method of just being "cool" *Morris Day voice*. 

I really couldn't hang with the hollering anyway.  When I yell either I get a headache or cry or both. So it really wasn't productive.  So, instead of yelling in an argument I speak softly and DIRECTLY making sure that I use words you can understand WITHOUT using profanity.  Weird ain't it? I have a FULL swear jar but  when I'm arguing with someone I won't swear. LOL Also, depending on how much you've pissed me off. I'll just keep saying I'm cool, because I really am. If I am pissed off to "the highest point of pisstivity" I won't say ONE WORD. #thenlookout

I can't say that I'm "slow to anger"....I still get FIRED up (especially about my babies).  But, I can say I speak slower and try to avoid the BLAZE! Cuz, I'm so...COOL :)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Interstate........

This is the day to celebrate the Resurrection of Christ.  While everyone got up this morning to don their Easter best and file into sanctuaries to listen to Easter speeches and sermons.  I fell on my knees in my favorite spot in my room to have a conversation with God.
It was a private conversation so I won't share with you the particulars, lol.  But, what I got out of it may be invaluable.  I rose to my feet with a new (but same) outlook on life.  I know that seems weird, how can it be new, but the same?  Well, if you don't know by now that I'm a little "unconventional".  Then you haven't been reading long at all. LBS
I've made many changes in my life within this past year.  I feel good about those changes, even though some close to me may not. Some of those changes have included letting people I put out of my life back in.  I've done that because if I want people to accept the fact that I have changed (and I used to be SOMETHING ELSE, LOL)...I need to accept the change in others.  To say I forgive you and still harp on something you did/said in the past IS NOT FORGIVING.  Since it's been slapped in my face that nothing lasts forever and life is too short.  I have chosen to live my life to the fullest.  Love who I love and not "hate" anyone.  Hate is a disease to me.  I can't say I'll "love" everyone.  That's unrealistic at best.  But I can chose who from my past I accept and forgive, who from my past will be a "non-factor" in my life (KLH, lol) , who from my present will I  bring with me to my future and who from my present I will just let exist with me in this time.
I think of it as a 4 lane highway.  Some will be with me in the carpool lane, the others will just be driving in the same (or different) direction and not getting to the destination as fast....the others will be getting off at the next exit.  To those of you carpooling with me, know that I LOVE YOU and there is NOTHING you can do about it. *Rev. Vaughn's voice* :)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Four & Twenty Blackbirds.......

The date 4/20 means a lot to me.  Not for the reasons you may think because I haven't smoked weed in YEARS. LBS.....However, for some reason, people tend not to believe me when I say that.  Maybe it's the locks in my hair or maybe it's my calm demeanor. *kanye shrug*
Don't get me wrong.  I don't see anything wrong with smoking marijuana.  I am one of the people who thinks it should be as legal as alcohol is.  Mainly because the affects of being under the influence of weed are less drastic as being drunk.....If you're drunk, you lose your faculties and control of your motor skills making you a danger to yourself AND those who may come in contact with you.....If you're high on weed, you want to eat and/or sleep. That makes you a danger to the refrigerator and your bed. LOL
I don't smoke weed, cigarettes or drink a lot of alcohol (I occasionally get my sip on, :) ).  I think laughter and love are my highs.  I crave those two things, when I have them I am elated.
The reason this date means so much to me.  Is for one, I was married on this date.  Nine years ago today, I became a "Mrs." for the first and possibly final time.  While I won't be "celebrating" this anniversary, I still can't act like I don't know what today is.  The other reason this day means a lot to me, is that it is the day I lost the first man who ever loved me.  Possibly the ONLY man who ever loved me unconditionally and wholly!
That phone call at 5:13am from my Daddy's long time girlfriend is ETCHED in my mind.  I forget/missplace/leave a lot of things and/or memories behind, but this is one of the few I'll never forget.  How some say, "Where were you when 9/11 happened."  To me it's....Where were you when 4/20 happened.  It's really weird to me, because I feel like exactly ONE YEAR before that fateful phone call I got up around that same time in the morning for me, my daughters and my mother to get ready to get our hair done and head to the church.  Now, I was on the phone wailing and heaving asking God to bring him back.
I accepted the fact that he wasn't able to walk me down the aisle like I had always wanted him too because he still wasn't ambulatory.  I felt I took all of that in stride.  I just made sure to give him a "shout out" on the wedding programs and keep it going.  I felt like since I had accepted all of that.  Why would God take him from me one year exactly to the date that his little girl's hand was given to another man?
Maybe it was God's way of helping me remember the date.  Especially since he knows I don't participate in the "Weed Day" festivities.....However, now I'm starting to think that he knew my life would change and I would need to remember it for a different reason from the one I did.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

The Moon.........

Being the private person I am, there a LOT'S of things many people don't know about me and I like it that way. One thing I didn't tell people (up until the other day), even if they would ask is my middle name.  Mainly because I don't like the way people mispronounce my name or always ask questions like "How did you get the name Raven?", "Did they name you after Raven-Simone?" (I'm old enough to be HER mother :( ) or the ever so annoying...."Is Raven your real name?"
So to tell people my middle name was never a thought because I didn't want the questions to even become MORE obscure or have them mispronounce it.  I think them saying it wrong is probably what would bother me most. #nitpicking :)
I don't really know why I'm like that.  Maybe because I was an English major.  But simple things like that make the hair on my neck stand.  Something like when someone mispronounces my daughters' names, Devin (they will say Divine or Devon) or for Dylan they will say (Die-lan) and this is even before they realize that they are girls. Since I did give them names that are commonly male, I don't mind when they say "he" instead of "her" but I do correct it.
The thought of someone butchering my middle name that my Mama thought so much of really irritates me.  So, I really never tell anyone what it is.  I stopped using my middle initial in my signature when I got married because to me Raven K. Cox didn't look right and the "cuh" sound from the K & C seemed redundant.
Now that Mama's gone, I want everything that was her and me back. So, I've started using my middle initial again.  
She told me that my middle name would have been my first name if she hadn't have lost the bet with my Daddy. LOL....Those two know they LOVED playing the odds. #cute
She also told me that she liked it because it was the last name of a lady she worked with at the telephone company.  She had to have been a very nice lady for my mother to even consider giving her only child her name.  My mother was very particular who she spent time or energy on.  (I get that from her.)
Now my Daddy chose my first name because he said the raven is one of the most beautiful and INTELLIGENT birds.  Yes, I had a head full of jet black hair and he had read the poems of Edgar Allan Poe.  But he said the fact the bird was so smart was what drew him to the name.
As I got older, I got used to my first name and began to like it.  I've always liked my middle name.  Especially when I looked it up and found it means, "Like the Moon".......

I think I am, like the moon.  Always moving, always changing, never appearing the same and standing silently..
"You'll always know the reason why, that song you heard will stay on your mind."

So for those who don't know or those who did and don't know how to pronounce it......

My full name is Raven Kamara Hall (Cox)
......Kamara is pronounced Ka-Ma-Ra...No long "a" sound.  The only long "a" sound in my name is in my first name Ra-ven.
So there you have it.  Here it is....Here I am.....Raven Kamara (aka Ann's Baby). :)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Glaze Me.....

"You scream I'm lazy. You must be crazy. Thought I was a doughnut, you tried to glaze me." <3 Rakim

I really think sometimes I think TOO MUCH.  I really get offended when I think someone is insulting my intelligence.  I don't like it one bit.  I ESPECIALLY don't like it when I can't really speak on it or let the person know I know they're full of shit. LBS
I'm finding it comfortable adjusting to the new changes in my life.  I know that I've done what's best for me and I know that this was the time to do something for ME instead of the usual living for other people.  I've lived for my kids (which I still do and will continue) and I've lived for my husband.  Now it's my time.  When I think about my life, the only person I didn't live for was my Mama....she lived for me.
I love to think about the little things she did for me.  How she ran my house for me when the Post Office had me away from home from sun up to sun down.  How I never worried, like I do now if everything was ok.   I never got a phone call from home unless it was her calling to tell me about some foolishness that happened, or that I needed to pick up something for her or just to talk.
I can not tell you how much I miss that long "Helllllooooo" she used to do.  For the past 11 almost 12 years I've committed to a relationship.  I've been part of a "team". My Mama and I were a team as well (Mama & Baby tag team, lol)...Now I'm back on my own and while I'm a little apprehensive (with good reason).  I know that this was the best decision for all involved.  Most of my apprehension comes from the fact that when I was single before, I always had my Mama and even my Daddy to help me through the hard times, when money got tight, when the kids got out of control or when I just needed to scream/cry/shout.
I miss the frustrated look she would give me when she KNEW I was going overboard with something and she was just waiting for me to shut up so she could tell me I was wrong.  (I would talk more to prolong hearing it, lol.)  I remember overhearing an argument when I was about 15 or 16 between her and my Nana when my Nana was telling her that I didn't do anything but lay around the house.  She told her, "That's a lie and you know it.  One thing my child is not is LAZY." :)
While I love nothing more than laying in my bed, she is right.  Lazy isn't my persona, I have a need to get things done.  I will get things done.  I will get through these obstacles to my happiness and persevere.  I am not a doughnut, can't be glazed. :)While I'm not where I want to be in terms of life/love/happiness.  I'm getting there by the grace of God and by the love of Mama (because I still FEEL her).

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Changes.........

I know it has been a while, but I've been really busy lately. I'm not at all complaining, because all these different projects have my mind occupied and have the potential to make my pockets ENORMOUS, lol.......I've had MUCH to talk about, but no time to put it down on paper (or blog, whatever).

When Twin and I first reconnected I immediately realized how much she LOVED politics. If you were a friend/acquaintance/facebook friend you were aware of her love of the political ins and outs. When Karen (candidate here for Mayor) first asked me to help her out I thought I'd do a "little something" here and there (not a lot). Then when I got a call from her husband asking to do more, I thought well.......I guess I can, Twin would like that. :)

Well, yesterday was the last day to register to vote. As I was taking voter registrations and absentee ballots out to the county building I ran into someone who knew my Mama. For the life of me I can't remember her name but I did remember my Mama never considered her a close friend. Sometimes when I see people I know in the street I purposely will avoid going in their direction just so I don't have to have the "phony exchange".....That awkward, "Hi, how are you? What have you/the kids been up to? Where do you stay now? yadda, yadda, etc..." I can't stand that phony crap. They don't care and I don't care, so why can't we just say, "hello" or *nod* when we see each other and keep it moving? That really works for me.

Well, since I don't really know her name, I'll just call her "nosy lady".....Well nosy lady asked me how I was, that was cool. I told her fine and she says, "ok, you can tell me that. I know you're not fine." *blank stare*.....Then for lack of another "ice breaking" question, she asks, "What are you doing up here?" I just leave it at, "dropping off paperwork". Then she notices my red shirt and says, "That's a pretty shirt. Red looks so nice with your skin tone." So my first response was, "My Mama tells me that a lot."....Then another question or rather a statement, "You carry yourself SO well. Such a lady."....My next response, "I get that from my Mama. She's a really classy lady. I'm not quite where she is, but I'm getting there. Plus, neither Mama nor Daddy would allow me to be any other way. lol"....Then she pauses and says, "You are speaking of them in present tense? That means...." Me, irritated now, "I know what present tense is. But I speak of them that way because as long as I AM they ARE."  So I won't use past tense when speaking of them because I don't want to change how I think of them. #simple

She stood looking dumbfounded, I guess plotting her next approach to get the desired reaction I THINK she was trying to get (me crying). I begged out of the conversation, saying I have to run....Then she wants to end the conversation with a hug.....Now I do like hugs (ESPECIALLY when it's my kids or someone else I love) but stranger hugs for no apparent reason bug me. LBVS

So as she halfway put her hands out for a hug, I said (very dryly), "Oh. No thanks." Before I could get a response/rebuttal I walked off.

It's amazing the changes some people want you to go through so they can watch and pity/ridicule/gossip about you. All in the name of Jesus. Because, 9 times out of 10, the people all up in the business and ready to gossip about something they know NOTHING about attend church services every Sunday. They probably are gossiping while they are supposed to be receiving the word. As an only or "sole/soul" child (stolen from Ti Glover, love it)....I am VERY particular about who I spend my time with, who I touch and especially who I tell my business too. If you fall into any of those categories with me, consider yourself VERY SPECIAL to me.

The nosy lady, is not at ALL special and doesn't deserve to be in my inner sanctum so her fained attempt at concern for my well being was an epic fail......Much love to my inner sanctum. #youknowwhoyouare

I thank and appreciate all who will read. ~ Peace

Let Go and .....Just Let Go!..........

I've only had a few REAL relationships in my lifetime.  Out of those relationships I've learned MORE THAN valuable life lessons.  I've learned what to do/say/feel/think and what NOT to do/say/feel/think.  At the end of the real relationships I've found that there is a common occurrence.  I LET GO AND DON'T LOOK BACK.....
That's always my way of coping or "getting over".....I've sulked and cried and moped, but never did I go back and say, let's try this again.  He would have to be the one to do that.  And on more than one occasion, I may have backtracked because he came back promising a change, but when the change didn't come....I'm out once again. *kanye shrug*
I don't think it's because I don't care about the relationship.  I know how hurt I was each time I had to let go.  I know how my heart would feel like it was sitting in the chair beside me instead of in my chest where it belongs.  I honestly think it's my stubborn "only child" thing.  I won't beg anyone to love me, I feel if you can't see for yourself the GOOD ASS woman I am, why should I waste my breathe? Someone else will come along who does.  Even if someone doesn't come along, oh well.  I was born & raised by myself and will die by myself. #bigwhoop LBS
I am SO amazed by people who feel the need to hold on to something that is OBVIOUSLY not there.  Sometimes there is no "going back"....Sometimes something is done/said/shown that there is no coming back from without the affected party throwing the transgression up later for spite.
I am also amazed by people who say they've "moved on" but continually berate/talk about/contact the party they "claim" to have moved on from.  I always feel that there is someone for everyone and that just because this person wasn't right for me doesn't mean he's not right for the next woman.  Why should I hold on to someone I don't want?  Why should I talk bad about him?  If  I don't want him, I should set him free to be with the next person.  Why be selfish?  That also applies to a man who hasn't done me wrong, but that I'm just not attracted to.  I'm sure everyone may have been in this situation at one time or another.....This person is VERY nice and by all intents and purposes you all should be a match, but the two of you just don't "click"....why "fake" it because he is who you "should" be with and not who you "want" to be with?  Life is TOO short to be unhappy or unsatisfied. (I've learned that the hard way over these three short years.)
I have seen relationships where one person claims to have let go, but REALLY hasn't....and are REALLY bitter about the break up.  It's really something for a soap opera.  It makes me sad (and somewhat irritated) to see one party is acting a fool, causing drama and bashing the other party all in the name of....."But, I'm done with his/her ass."  My favorite irritation is the woman who knows he has 12 kids and she has baby number 13 and then ALL OF THE SUDDEN he's a no good ass daddy.  Ummmm, HELLO did you not notice the relationship with the first dozen or so or the baby mama/'s....OH, I know....You thought you were DIFFERENT.  Your coochie was the sunshine that turned him into Ward Cleaver?!?!?!
Then it's the dude who finds his soulmate with a woman with 8 kids, 8 baby daddy's who's in the club every other day.  Then when he makes her wifey she has baby number 9 and makes him stay home with it while she goes BACK to the club to find baby daddy number 10....So dude, you thought you REALLY had the "magic stick" to turn her into June Cleaver?!?!?!
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttt!!!! *Clay Davis from The Wire voice* LOL
Swear if people would open their EYES before they open their pants, there would be less drama and controversy.  It's sometimes laughable to watch, sometimes sad when it goes to far.  Either way, I would plead for the injured party to LET GO of the bitterness/anger/hate.  If you say you're moving on DO THAT!!! I am telling you from personal experience...........LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!!!

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Hardly Ever...............

Laying in bed all day sick as a dog gave me lots of things to think/dream about.  I had a few dreams about teens I know being pregnant, couldn't place a face, they just kept calling me "Ms. Raven" (what most of my kid's friends call me).  I just know none of the faces belong to my teen.  I wonder if that means she could be the one I'm dreaming of, but I know that's not the case. (Just take my word on that, lol).  I had a few more dreams about insignificant things I can't really put a finger on.  But, what stood out most were my thoughts.  My thoughts of Mama and what she would be thinking/doing/saying right about now.
I know when I didn't feel well, even as an adult she would make me tea or a hot toddy (basically tea & whisky, lol).  I miss that oh so much.  At one point I even thought I felt her sitting at the foot of my bed asking me how I felt.  Maybe that was another one of my dreams.
So many things have happened that hardly ever happened while she was here.  I hardly ever got sick like this.  Allergies of course, but hardly ever a cold or flu even.  There's more drama than when she was here, that hardly ever occurred, because neither one of us would indulge or entertain it.  I'm not a fan of it now, it's just kind of "appearing" in my life.  One thing that's the same as when she was here, I won't indulge or entertain any of the nonsense that is trying to appear.  I remain "leery" of "suspect" individuals who say they mean me no harm or that they're trying to "help" me.  I can really help myself.  I've hardly ever needed someone to carry or do things for me, so I won't start now.
My Mama was always my support.  I knew that with WHATEVER she had my back and would look out for me and help me.  Now that she's gone I have to have my own back as well as look out for my children.  I wasn't prepared for this test of strength, but I did always excel at pop quizzes because I always paid attention.  I am so glad I paid attention to what my Mama was saying to me when she was here.  She was basically telling me what to do and how to do it now that she's not.  I appreciate her for that.............

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Phenomenal........

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.

I am definitely not a "people person", but I can hold an engaging conversation (when I want to, lol)....I'm more of a LISTENER than anything.  I've said before that I don't ask a lot of question.  But, I also don't tell my business or talk about myself much.  I let others do that for me.  LOL

I listen to people when they tell me how "laid back" I am.  True, I don't let a lot of things "get" to me.  I pretty much let the punches roll and the chips fall where they may when it comes to life.  You can't prevent the inevitable and no matter how hard you try, YOU CAN NOT CHANGE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF!!! So when it comes to adversity/drama/nonsense, I do tend to have a "cool" attitude.

I have also been told that I "carry myself well".  That Is more of a compliment to me than the cliched, "Your eyes are beautiful", "You have a pretty smile" or "Girl! YOU FINE". LMAO....The one "compliment" that throws me off is telling me I'm "Sexy".....What does that mean exactly?  Are you telling me I look like I'm "ready for sex"?  How can someone tell that by just looking at me? JK/CTHU

At this point in my life I have to focus on myself and my future.  I only have one baby left at home and SHE'S STRAIGHT, I GOT HER.  Now what about me?  What will happen to me if and when she is accepted to this school in the fall and has to be away from me?  I know one thing, I will work HARDER than I am now because I'll need extra cash (her new high school will be expensive).....but what about the rest?

There was only one time in my life when I questioned my worth, when my self esteem was at an ALL TIME low. I try not to think about that time because of how painful it was.  But a lot of times when I think back it helps me to focus.  It helps me know that I can do better, I deserve better, I AM BETTER.  Now comes the time when I expect others to know/realize/value my worth.  I seem to be getting overlooked/undervalued/misunderstood.....which is NEVER good.  My demeanor doesn't allow for me to do jumping jacks/cartwheels/handsprings in order to be noticed.  My level of self esteem makes it hard for me to understand why some under-estimate my worth.  My "matter of fact" way of speaking is & the fact that I can OVER EXPLAIN things, I feel, a clear indicator of my feelings and views.  

I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Yep, that's me.................Phenomenal, Focused and FIERCE!! :)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Who Indeed.............

When certain things happen in your life it can sometimes be hard to adjust to the change they cause.  It seems like you have be born again, because everything is different and new.  I've spoke often of the adjustments I've had to make over the past year and a half.
I consider myself a loner, mainly because I don't have a problem with being alone.  I grew up alone.....Sometimes when I'm with people I WANT TO BE ALONE.  LBS......I don't do "drop-ins" or "stop-bys" on people because I don't want them to do it to me.  I HATE THAT....and I don't use the word "hate" usually.  I'm using it now to express how much I dislike it.  I think it's rude.  One of the ladies from my church does it ALL THE TIME and it's freaking annoying.  Then when she does it and I say I'm busy or appear rushed, she will still talk like I haven't said anything........
Well, today I had more "company" than I like in my house.  My daughter was getting her hair braided, so it was the girl doing her hair and the girls boyfriend (I have no idea why she brought him or why he wanted to stay all  those hours while she was braiding. *kanye shrug*).  Then I had 2 drop-ins....Well, I'll say one and a half, since one of the drop-ins called and said they were turning the corner into my driveway. #ugh
I mean I'm hospitable, civil or what have you....but nevertheless it is irritating...UNLESS it is someone I really want to be around...like my kids, my man, my best friend.  The rest can beat it.  Now in the midst of all this in and out activity I felt so ALONE.  I had something heavy on my head and did not see one person (aside from my child) that I could confide in.  No one to tell my troubles to.....
Now you "religious" people who may read this, I know I can always tell God my problems....and yea, that's all fine and dandy, but sometimes you just want to say out loud how you feel so that you can get feedback/encouragement/support.
Sometimes you just want to speak out loud and let another person listen to what you are saying.  Sometimes you want their input....sometimes you want them to STFU.....
When I went through things and needed to "vent"....I always took it to my GIRL, my Mama....so what do I do now?  Who can I trust with all my problems? Who do I burden with my issues?  How do I continue to live  seemingly care free and relatively unscathed by things that would tear another woman to shreds?  I don't know how I do it now.....Back then I had my Mama who listened and fussed and sighed, but offered solutions when I asked or when I didn't .....So who do I have now?.................

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace

Last Breath........

I haven't wanted to post since Thursday (my therapy day :( ).....I've said before how irritated I get sometimes for having to go and how I will sit there for 45 minutes and not say anything or just text or play with my phone. #stubborn LOL
Well, this past Thursday my therapist kind of PISSED ME OFF.  She is the FOURTH one I've had, so I didn't really go off like I wanted to because I didn't want her to try to have me committed for being difficult. :)....But, I guess it is good that Psychology was my minor in college.  Because, I don't really get WTH therapists are good for sometimes.  If I wanted someone to ask me to answer questions, I'd go take a test. LBVS
She pissed me off because I REALLY think she was TRYING to make me cry.  I think I cry enough without some over-paid analyst to play, "Let's make tough girl cry"......
Here was her questioning:

Her: So did you think about your mom today?
Me:  Yea *with a "duh" in my voice*
Her:  What did you think about her?
Me:  I passed by an old friend of her's house and I thought I was going to tell her he asked about her last time I saw him.
Her:  Really?
Me: Yea *same "duh" in my voice* (I'm thinking WTF do you mean "Really?"  Why do I have to lie up in here? You can't tell anyone anything I say! #geesh)
Her:  When do you think you won't think about your mom?
Me:  WHEN I DON'T BREATHE ANYMORE!!! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT??

It was pretty much a wrap on our "session" after that.  Because I'm sure she could tell I was pissed.  But, seriously, I may have overreacted (just a little).....but I just couldn't fathom "not thinking" about her.  When I look in the mirror (especially when I put on my glasses) I SEE HER.
I never noticed that until after she left me.  People would always say, "You look like a darker version of your mom."  I would say, "Thank you" because I thought she was GORGEOUS, so that was a compliment....But, when she was here and I looked at her, I never saw my face.  I always saw her face in my youngest daughter (still do) and just a few days ago I saw a picture of my oldest daughter smiling and she looked just like her to me (my son looks like my Daddy).....
How can I not think about her when she was basically all I had for my WHOLE LIFE? Just me and her against the world.  Doing our thing through all our ups and downs/ins and outs.  For 6 of the last 8 years of her life she was a room away from me.  We were together EVERYDAY.  When she moved into her own home, we still were together AND on the phone EVERYDAY.  Now all of the sudden I can't pick up the phone, I can't run into a room and say, "Ma, guess what?" or just "Hey Mama."......................I can't just say, "Hey".........
I just really wanted to flip that damn desk over at the time.  I have no idea why that question (as dumb as it was) made me so angry....but the back of my neck was on FIRE cuz I was so mad......I just sat there quiet for the next few minutes until our time was up.  She said, "goodbye" and I didn't open my mouth because I know I would have said something mean. So I was actually looking out for her. LOL
A friend told me recently that someone told her, she needed to "get over" a loss in her life.  I thought it was bogus that someone would actually say something like that to her...especially considering all the losses she's had.  But sometimes people say stupid things....Sometimes you can ignore it....Sometimes you have to say WHAT THE HELL.........????

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.