She Really Doesn't Know......

"She always stood at the back of the line...a smile beneath her nose."

I keep the most random things in my mind about my children. While I LOVE Prince. I wouldn't say that any of my kids are Prince "fans"......In fact, I would venture to say that he got on their nerves every morning since their "wake up" revelie was Sexy MF (don't judge me, lol) or Housequake....

Starfish & Coffee is one of my oldest daughter's FAVORITE songs....That and Please Pardon Me by Rufus featuring Chaka Khan.

My oldest daughter is the child most like me. Our birthdays are only days apart. I often wonder why we're not "closer"....then I think to myself....We're not closer because we are so much alike. We don't really let people "in".

A lot between the two of us is "unspoken"....I'm not totally pleased with that and I accept responsibility for not being as communicable as I should be.

I often think of her, what/who she will be?...What her children/child will look like?....Where she will live?.............Will she ever forgive me????

As a parent, I've made mistakes....more than my share....less than some. I wish I were a "perfect" mom...but, I'm still not sure what that would entail. I can say, I've done my best. The best I know how....I wish I had been more patient, less busy, more fun.....

But, I'm always in the belief that everything/everyone happens the way it should...My faults, missteps as well as my successes in parenting are part of what makes her who she is....

Who she is, IS BEAUTIFUL....Who she is, IS SMART.....Who she is, IS LOVING....Who she is, IS PHENOMENAL!!!!!

What she really doesn't know is how much I needed her to be my baby....how much seeing her smile warms me........how much she really saved my life....how much I live for her.......How much I LOVE HER.

Happy Birthday Devin....Ma loves you more than air. <3

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Without Whit.......

My title is a play on words....I didn't know Whitney Houston, so I wouldn't be presumptuous enough to give her a nick name, because I know I would hate that. (Pretty much the way I hate for someone to call me "Rave", lbs)......I'm saying that some of the people who are commenting on the death of Ms. Houston are "Without WITT" as in SENSE!!!!

Over this past weekend, I've seen/heard a lot of ignorant & judgmental things being said about Ms. Houston AND her sudden passing.  Everything from, "If she'd have never married Bobby Brown, she'd still be here.", "She was a junkie, so why are we throwing a pity party for her?" to "Why did she take a bath knowing she had taken all those pills? She should have taken a shower." (<----I deleted the idiot who said that without even commenting on that post. *smh*)

All I could think of when reading/hearing this idiocy was when I lost my mother over 2 years ago before the holidays...I know how devastated I was.  I know how I felt/feel...I thought about how I lost my friend a year ago this time......I know how devastated I was, I know how I felt/feel....

Then I thought of the fact that I'm a GROWN WOMAN & I was grown when this happened....Bobby Kristina is only 19 years old!!! She will turn 20 on my birthday, March 4th....I've always remembered that because I remember when she was born in 1992 & my daughter told me, "Whitney Houston had a baby today, on your birthday." Our birthday is soon & we both have to spend it without our mothers.  I'm not going to say I'm "used" to it, but this will be her 1st one without her mother (I've had three without mine). The way I feel as a grown woman with two of my own children who are older than her with the loss I've experienced....the way I still think of my Mama not ever seeing her great-grandchildren...and thinking that her mother will never see her GRAND-children. 

While people demonize her father, who I'm sure is there comforting/supporting her.  While people focus on her mother's shortcomings, instead of her triumphs...I hope they have a step ladder to bring themselves down from the pedestals they stand on so they don't trip & bust their heads coming down. *secretly hopes they do bust their heads WIDE OPEN, lol*

What I find interesting is that what Whitney Houston's death has done is it has aligned the "saints" with the "ain'ts"....The "holy rollers" have expressed the same ridiculous/judgmental garbage as the "low lifes" & "thugs".  The two demographics that are against one another have come together in stupidity to pass judgement & disrespect this woman & her family.  *smdh*......

So, for me...whenever my REAL judgement day comes & I'm asked...Who I'm affiliated with....I'm not claiming "saints" or "ain'ts"...The set I'm rolling with is "compassionate".  

So in honor of her, I've posted my favorite song that she sung.  I can't honestly say that I'm a "fan" and listened to her music often.  I can say I thought her voice was PHENOMENAL and she was BEAUTIFUL...but I don't want to be a phony/bandwagonner who says I was her "biggest fan"....But I can honestly say that her passing has shocked & saddened me.  I pray for her and her family.....her baby, ESPECIALLY!

Rest in peace Whitney Houston!!! 

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Memories.........

I am by no means an average person. In fact, I don't think I know anyone who is or what would determine a person as average.....

The way I remember things/people/events and the way I forget things/people/events is what I think makes me a little unique (I won't say strange, lol)....

The way I remember one year ago today is heartbreaking for me. I remember my cell phone ringing & looking at my bedside clock & noticing it was 6:34am. When I woke up today & looked at my cell phone, it read 6:34am.  That sort of threw my whole morning off.  I kind of get irritated at the fact that I can remember some dates/times/people really vividly at times.  It seems like when I go through something life/mind altering, I remember everything to the smallest, most insignificant detail....

Like on that day, one year ago to this date...When that phone rang & I saw it was Gen...My heart jumped.  She never called that early on the weekend.......When I picked up & she told me our girl was gone in her faint voice, I felt this indescribable wrenching in my stomach.  Like someone was actually "wringing" me out like you would a dish towel.

I couldn't speak, rather I didn't want to speak.  I never know what to ask.  Never been a really "nosey" person.  I've always felt the information I really need to know, someone will give me.  If I have to pry/ask questions...it's really not my business........But, I knew this was my business.  Thelma DEFINITELY was my business. I just couldn't find any words and knowing me, Gen knew that.  So she told me what she knew, said she would call me back when she found out anything else and she left me alone.....

All who really know me, know that when I'm going through...I want to be left alone.  When I need to, I reach out for help/words from the people I love.  Other than that, I just want my space.

The day was clear...pretty much like it is today....I was home alone, my daughter was out.  So I probably could have slept the day away...but instead, I cleaned.  I don't know why cleaning is my comfort sometimes, it just is....as I was cleaning, I saw that my Rush cd was laid on the stereo console....The last time I listened to it was when Thelma was visiting me for Thanksgiving & we listened together.  We both loved music you would never have thought we would listen to.  But Tom Sawyer was our JAM!!!! LOL.....

It was just really strange to me that I happened to look upon that cd that day.  I know I had cleaned the living room MANY times between Thanksgiving and the day I found out she was gone....I didn't remember seeing it out...but that was my cue I guess to play Rush while I cleaned...and think of my Thelma, my Twin, my <3.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Twin, I know you're reading too.  I love you.  Peace.