Thinking........

This is all I've been doing lately. Thinking. Trying to make sure I'm making the right decisions for my life/love/future......I'm trying not to move too fast....or too slow. I know that life is short and it's definitely too short to let little things stress you or to let big things leave you.

I also know that when you look back on life and it's experiences some things/memories/AND PEOPLE in the past should stay in the past. Just because I've changed, I can't expect everyone to have changed. Just because I've changed for the better (which I feel I have). I have to realize that some people may have changed, but they may have changed for the WORSE.

Some people allow the past to alter them in a way that is detrimental to them and all around them. I chose not to be one of those people. I chose to learn from the past and not let it hinder my progress in the future. That is where my forgiving nature comes in.

I know some people may look back and remember some things that have happened to them and cringe at the thought of forgiveness. I can't lie, it may take time for me to forgive. But I DO FORGIVE. And not that phony type of forgiveness..."I forgive but I can't forget." If you have to say that before forgiving, then just forget it. Of COURSE you're not going to forget. All life experiences are part of your memory and some of them are ingrained there, never to be forgotten. However, you must look PAST the PAST.

That is what I've tried to do over these last few months. I know all is forgiven, but to let someone who I had to show so much forgiveness for back in took a lot. Then when you think about it, are some people really worthy or accepting of the invitation back into your life.

Sometimes yes, sometimes HELL NO! LBVS....But, who/what you decide to let come to your future is a decision only you can make. It's also a decision only YOU have to live with.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. ~ Peace

I Guess I Did It........

This is just Mother's Day number two without her.  So many things have changed from the last Mother's Day to this one.  My life is different.  In many ways my love is different, but my heart is still the same.  It still wants her here to tell me what to do.  To listen to me speak about my troubles.  Not necessarily to offer advice, but just so I can say everything I'm feeling out loud and not be judged or worry about her telling someone else.
I said yesterday in the blink of an eye my feelings would change.  That happened all day today.  It was like someone turning on and off a light switch.  I would be ok until I would receive a notification on my phone that someone has posted "Happy Mother's Day" on my wall or someone would send me a text or an email saying those same words.  It hurts me to say them.  That may seem selfish or mean.  But, all day today it was a strain to get those three words out.  I don't even want to type them again.  I kept saying, "Same to you" whenever someone said them to me.
Even when my Aunt Shirley called, I couldn't say it to her.  Even though she's doesn't have children, she's like a mother to me and my cousins.  So, I used to always say the words to her.  One thing I so love about her is that she knows me.  She says I'm a lot like my parents in the way I think about things.  I guess she knew them well because she always knows the approach to take with me by just listening to my voice.  She didn't say those words to me.  I think she knew I didn't want to hear them.  I only said them really to my Nana out of obligation.
Let me clear this up....I'm not saying I didn't want any of the mothers I know to be happy today.  I want that for them everyday.  I just feel insincere when I'm "celebrating" this Hallmark holiday. The best part was my children's voices saying the three words to me and the PRETTY pendant my littlest one gave me.  It says "MAMA".  I love that she chose that word instead of mom or mother.  Because I always said Mama or Ma.  It shows that she pays attention to little things just like I do. I feel bad that she had to "pay attention" to her Mama's red eyes and puffy face and the fact that I was in bed for the better part of the day....But I do talk to her and try to help her understand that I'm hurting and this is my way of healing.  While it may not be the best way, it makes me feel a little better for a little while.  I know it will get better, maybe not easier....just better.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

I Can Do It.....

Well, here comes another one.  Another day/milestone/memory.  I may as well get this blog done now.  I intended to do it tomorrow, but why wait.  Besides, I'm feeling pretty good right now. My team (Boston Celtics) just won a home game in the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals and I've got my "hair done, nails done, everything did" lol....because I'm going to celebrate my friends graduation.
Just because I feel good now, doesn't mean that within a blink of an eye I won't be a wreck again.  Yesterday was pretty stressful for all kinds of reasons, but I did it.  I have a great support system in my corner.  I think if they weren't here I would definitely fall to pieces.
Always in my corner accepting/ignoring/tolerating my mood swings and cries.  Sometimes saying nothing, sometimes saying too much.  Either way, in some sort of way it helps me know I'm not alone.  Even when I want to be alone, I know I'm not totally alone and that brings me all kinds of comfort.
I just for some reason still can't get past the symbolism of this month.  What it brings to me.  Heartache/abandon/loneliness.  She would say, "My birthday is in 20 days."  I would say, "And?" LOL....We would go to the buffet at the boat and then I would leave her there so she could get her gamble on.  I don't really like to play slots.  I feel if I put my money in a machine I should be getting candy, soda or a load of clothes washed. lbs  So I would leave her there and come back to pick her up when she was ready.  She usually broke even or won a little more than what she came with.  She was pretty lucky that way.
I just really want to lay in bed all day tomorrow.  In fact, that's what I plan to do.  Don't judge me, that's the way I cope.  It will help me.  If I lay there and cry, well...my Egyptian cotton sheets are used to it by now and pretty absorbent.  If I lay there and watch tv then so be it.  It is supposed to be my day, so I can do what I want or don't want.....RIGHT?
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

May-be Tomorrow

"I don't know how many stars there are.  Up in the heavenly sky...."

I know I would like to think the brightest star I see when I look in the sky is my Mama looking over me.  I don't know if she would be happy with me right now.  She always would get upset when I cried or when I seemed to dwell on something I can't change.  I can see/hear her now, throwing her had to the air jingling her bracelets (the ones like the one's I wear) and saying, "Ugh! Raven you gonna have to stop that!! You can't do nothing about it. So NOW WHAT?"

As a child or even as an adult, hearing that from her would be so frustrating.  I'd clam up and not respond to what she was saying and then as the rebellious youngster and then the over confident adult who thought I knew everything.  What I didn't know, I didn't want my Mama to teach me. #stubborn

Not too long ago, I was sitting working in the campaign office when two older ladies came in and sat and started talking.....Now since the office is relatively small, I could hear them trying to figure out what was the last name of one of my Mama's best friends.  Not to butt myself into the conversation, I just sat and listened.  Then I heard one of them say, 

"Last time I saw her, she was with Marcella."  

Other Lady: "Marcella who?"

First Lady:  "Pretty Marcella.  She came out with me and 1960."

Other Lady: "Yea, she was a cheerleader and she was really pretty."

That made me smile from ear to ear.  I came from around my cubicle and told them that Marcella was my 

mother.  The one lady who I had been working with from the beginning slammed her hand hard on the desk and said....

"Dammit! I KNEW there was something about YOU!"

I said to her....

"I knew there was something about you too!!!" 

And we just "laughed and laughed".  She told me how cute my Mama & Auntie were as little kids (she was older than them). 

But today, thinking about my Mama I want to "cry and cry".  I continued to say to myself, that I would stop dwelling on these dates/days/milestones and just feel what I feel when I feel it. *s/o to roy ayers.* lol

I like the way some people are drawn to me and not intimidated by the fact that I don't smile for no reason and that my direct nature is by no means malicious.  But, sometimes they go over the top with it.  Or they think I don't know the difference between nosy and concerned?

One of the ladies today asked what I had planned for Mother's Day.  When I told her nothing at all and tried to leave it at that....She kept asking, "You're not doing anything?  What about the kids?  They not doing anything for you."  Instead of responding to the Spanish Inquisition I just feined that I was busy and moved around.  But, honestly I was DEVASTATED that she wouldn't leave the subject alone and kept bothering me with it.  Like she almost wanted me to break down (remember we talked about people who do this).  

The day started out ok and just went down hill fast......So what am I doing?  I'm going to crawl back under my covers and go to sleep.  This month of May has already started off JANK for me.  With Mother's day next Sunday and Mama's birthday on the 27th May kind of sucks for me.  But, I really did try not to let it get me down this year. #toolate  Just gonna sit and bawl my eyes out and wait for the Lord to tell me how to feel and when this pain will leave me.  Maybe tomorrow I'll regroup and try not to let May take over me......

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.