Yesterday

I thought yesterday was going to be a horrible day for me...It was and it wasn't. Yesterday was a year to the day that I took my Mama to the emergency room and the horror began. I thought about sitting there with her as she did her crosswords while we waited, how she gave me numbers to play for her in the morning. How I just knew, everything was going to be ok.

I think for some reason, today was worse for me.....another wasted day where I couldn't pull myself or thoughts together. I have a totally different burden on my heart and I feel guilty that it's not all about Mama. I honestly wish she were here to just tell me what to do. I hate still wanting her to save me, it seems so selfish. But, I can truly say now that all the times when people would say, "I know you're spoiled since you're an only child" and I would say, "No, I'm not." I lied. I can tell now that I was spoiled rotten with love and protection (not just things). Because, now that it's gone I feel like I'm clutching to a life raft trying desperately to stay afloat because I know I can't swim.

It is also interesting to me how quickly feelings can change. From yesterday to today, in a blink of an eye, in a turn of a page.........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

An extension of me............

When I had my first little girl, a few days before my 21st birthday.  I was soooooooooo excited.  I couldn't wait to buy little outfits and comb her beautiful thick curly hair.  She was just so PRETTY, like a little chocolate doll!
When she grew, she decided to become her own type of person.  No more frilly clothes. Sweats and Tees and a RIDICULOUS amount of SNEAKERS! :)
She has always been the child I think is most like me.  Not because we are the same sign or both have locks.  But her mannerisms and the way she thinks is a lot like me.  With my son, I didn't have a sole role in raising him.  His dad's parents pretty much helped (sometimes took over) with that.  I can't say I had a sole role in raising Devin, because my Mama was right there for me and her to lean on.  Dylan is the only one I can say is MAINLY my work because she "clung" to me more than anyone else in the family.
I feel almost guilty saying Devin is "like me"....She seems so much BETTER than I was at her age.  She is focused, smart and driven....Thank God she doesn't have any children right now...But, if she did, I'd have to do what was done for me.  Help her out.....I know she would be surprised to hear that, because I always say that, "I'm done raising kids.  I've had kids with me since I was 17."....That's just all talk. LOL.....I would want my kids to be able to do all the things I was able to do as a young mother (even though I didn't take full advantage).
I guess I think about this after talking to Devin about bringing her dog (Chevy) here to stay with us until she has more time for him.  If it was important to her that he be here, then even if we had to move to another home....I'd do it....She means that much AND MORE to me.....She can be kind of sullen and short when she wants to be or when she's tired..I don't care....Because, THAT'S JUST HOW I AM.......
After all of our ups and downs I'm very glad she knows (and I know she knows) how much I LOVE HER WITH THE DEEPEST PART OF MY HEART....Sometimes I think I don't deserve the children I have....I'm not sure I was the type of mother they deserved....but, I did try hard. :)
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

And it begins..........

This was the date......The date she had the doctor's appointment I kept asking her to make....I took off work early because I wanted to be there.........Tommy would usually take her or my Nana to afternoon appointments because he would be off, but I wanted to be there myself.  I honestly didn't think there was anything serious going on.....I just knew she didn't feel good.  I honestly thought she would get a new or different prescription.  Worse case scenario was she would have to go into the hospital for some tests..........We talked and laughed at folks (like we always did).  I had to let the nurses know a couple of times that we/she was tired of waiting......When we finally saw her doctor, she (the doctor) didn't even make it seem SERIOUS.  She said, my mother "could" be going into CHF (congestive heart failure) but it wasn't certain.  She handed us a prescription and told us we could go right down to Fagen Pharmacy on Broadway on the way home.  She also wanted Mama to take some tests and she would make an appointment for her again in one week.  No hospital stay, no worries...RIGHT????  WRONG! SO WRONG!!!
That's all I can do for now............I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Tommie, Tommie and Tommy

My whole life there has been a Tommie/Tommy in it.  At New York Hospital in Queens while my Daddy and Uncle were at the bar, my Aunt Tommie (the regal Thomasina) was at her sister's side waiting for her to push me out.  All of my life she was always there for me and my Mama.  Don't get it twisted, she would yell, roll her eyes and curse, but she would never let us down when we needed her for anything. 
When we first moved back to Gary in 1980, my Mama & I moved from my Nana's house into a small two bedroom apt on 42nd and Adams St.  I passed by it a few days ago just to see if it was still there, it was and it looked EVEN SMALLER.  It was riding bikes in the Glen Park neighborhood with my friend Monifa that I met my 2nd best friend (after Mama).  This was the 2nd Tommie in my life (Tomeitha).  Tommie and I were two peas in a pod. Not physically, but in life.  Tommie was her mom's only child too.  We had so much in common and talked about EVERYTHING.  She is one of the FUNNIEST and most LOYAL friends I have ever had in my LIFE!  Tommie's mom was like my mom and vice versa.  Her mom passed a few years ago and since Tommie lives out of town we don't keep in touch as much as we did as teenagers/young adults but when we do talk, the love and loyalty is STILL THERE.
At a club in 1999, I met the last Tommy in my life.  This Tommy is the most HONORABLE man I've ever had in my life! No disrespect to any before him (except maybe a few, they know who they are. lol), but at the time those others were in my life we were at different places and had not grown to be the people we are now.  I know that Tommy loves me and mine.  There is NOTHING he wouldn't do for any of us.  He can be stern and temperamental, but I'm used to that. Because over the years I've noticed that he and Desmond have the same personality (Leo's, lol).  So what bothers most people about him is endearing to me.  So, I feel that I have come full circle with this name Tommie/Tommy from the beginning to the end, I'll always be loved by someone named Tommie/Tommy (of course among others).... :-)
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Thursdays.....

Thursday is my LEAST favorite day of the week now.  I dread them more than Mondays.  I took my Mama to the emergency room on Thursday, she left me that next Thursday and ironically enough her funeral was on the Thursday after that.  Even worse, for me, I just noticed this year that my Mama and I were born on the same day of the week (Monday)....I found this out by realizing that my birthday was on a Thursday this year and so was hers.
Now, as this Thursday approaches in a few hours...I've noticed that this Thursday will mark the day one year ago when my nightmare began.  When I started worrying about why my Mama's feet were swelling, why she looked so tired, why she was so irritable......
No disrespect to Thursday. Maybe one day I won't notice it come toward the end of the week and cringe at even the thought of the day.  I hate appointments that are made on Thursdays because I just want to stay in bed the whole day.  Pretty much the same way I did on my birthday (and hers). 
Sometimes people seem to pity me or want to console me when I spend time alone.  Not understanding that being alone sometimes is comfort for me.  I grew up alone.  No siblings, a few cousins and extended family/friends.  But, even when they were around, being alone in my room was more fun.  As an only child, I am very comfortable with silence.  I wish others sometime were. :)
Writing and music always keeps me company.  Maybe they will keep me company again this Thursday. *shrug*
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Are You Ready?

Are you?.... Well, I'M NOT!  I tried to tell myself I would do this EVERY DAY until I could work all this out....but TODAY is not the day...the milestones are getting closer and closer.  I don't think I'm ready for it.  I said to Devin a few days ago, "I don't know if this should be called an anniversary."  Because an anniversary is a reason for celebration.  A wedding anniversary for instance.  There is nothing celebratory about this. My wedding anniversary makes my heart full.  This makes my heart empty....
That's all I want to say today....Just not in the mood. *kanye shrug*...........I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Peter Pan

In one of my therapy sessions......Yes, I'm in therapy! Lose your father on your first wedding anniversary. Let your "family" take you through what mine did after my Aunt died and then lose your mother/best friend all of the sudden like I did~THEN JUDGE ME....anyway, back to where I was:
In one of my therapy sessions, the counselor told me to do something that I loved to do as a kid that only my mother and I knew that I did....The very FIRST thing I thought of was Peter Pan Creamy Peanut Butter.
For as long as I can remember, that has been my FAVORITE peanut butter.  I even ate it a few years ago when there was a recall on it for salmonella (I did get sick and my Mama made me throw it out, lol).  It was always on Mama's grocery list.  If you ever knew my Mama or went to the store with her, you know she ALWAYS made a list.  When I ate it, I ate it straight out of the jar with a spoon! My Mama would always say, "you are gonna make yourself sick child."  I would say, "No I'm not. You want some?".....She would said, "Ugh! No!!" :)
I think I stopped eating it straight out of the jar when I was pregnant with Desmond...probably because at that time it did make me sick.  I would still eat it on wheat bread (no jelly), just an open face peanut butter sandwich.
So today, I decided to do that one thing that she and I knew about me....that I used to love to sit in the middle of my bed talking on my princess phone eating Peter Pan Creamy Peanut Butter out of the jar with a spoon....and you know what?  I'm SICK AS A DOG!!!! LMAO!! :-/...........I thank and appreciate all who will read.
P.S. ~ I'll elaborate on the "therapy" thing later...Bottom line for right now...Black people need to stop putting a stigma on maintaining our mental health [[IJS]]. <3

Just -----MARES....

They're not specific to night, or day...Whenever I close my eyes, sit or think too long. They appear....my thoughts of what could have, would have, should have been...What if I had done/said this, that or the other....Would she still be here? Would I still hurt?
For the past I'll say 6 or 7 months, there has not been a restful sleep for me....some days I do get plenty of sleep but it is not "restful"...I wake up wishing I hadn't slept or wanting to sleep more. Last night was the first night in months that I didn't have "that dream" or rather "that nightmare"....I didn't say I didn't have a nightmare....It just wasn't that SAME ONE.........
The one where I relive it...the funeral...I see it the same way with different players in different rolls...I am always in the SAME SEAT...Sometimes in a different outfit (because sometimes the time of day/year is different) but always right THERE where I sat....
Last night, the nightmare was different...it wasn't even about her. That makes me feel guilty. I know it shouldn't because I know (as well as anyone else does), there is not ONE DAY that passes that I don't think/wish about her. This dream/nightmare was about a tragedy that didn't end like my Mama's and mine did. It actually turned out for the better....so does that mean it WASN'T a nightmare? Not in my mind....because I still woke up feeling the same...wishing for rest........
I thank and appreciate all who will read...I warned you it would be personal, :)...I understand if this is your last read....Peace

Some Times More than Others

Just returned from a District Meeting for the Federation of Colored Women's Clubs.  A club my Mama "made me" join.  At first, I was like, "may as well, I have to take her to all of the functions anyway."  How I miss taking her places, her telling me how to drive.  Looking right for me and getting in my way so I can't see.  Humming (off key) to music on the radio....When she left, my first thought was, "well, I don't have to be bothered with the 'old lady's club' anymore."  Then I noticed how the Vice President, Mrs. Naomi Lyles' spirit embraced me and how she was not going to "allow" me to leave the club.  It was mentally and emotionally overwhelming at first because it was too much of something She would do and I would just do whatever it was she told me to do.  Now, I am in her position as President and I am the one who has to know what to do.
I found out something very interesting that I never knew about Mrs. Lyles....in 1995, she lost her youngest child in a tragic car accident.  What was very interesting about it, was I remembered hearing about the accident.  I knew exactly what she was talking about when she brought it up.  It happened near the McDonald's on the Toll Road (I-90).  Her daughter was on her way to her very first day at work and was hit head on by another driver who became disoriented.  When the driver who caused the accident found out he had killed someone, he had a heart attack and died.....
I was more than overwhelmed when she shared that with me.  I felt a little selfish.  Here I am not coping with the loss of my mother.  Who was able to watch me become an adult, have children and get married (in that order, lol).  She was able to do all that with me and I'm almost positive she was happy about that.  Then here is Mrs. Lyles, as regal, kind and strong as she is.  Calmly talking about the loss of her child who had just received a perfect score on her pharmacy exam and was on her way to fantastic things.  She will never see her marry or have children.
I know it's the "little" milestones I shared with my Mama I should be grateful for.  She was able to see ALL of her grandkids become National Honor Society Inductees.  She saw her grandson give the Salutatory Address at his high school graduation.  Her granddaughter graduate with honors and give a poem she composed to the faculty....Her youngest granddaughter graduate from the 8th grade and participate in the Miss Indiana National Teen Pageant.....However, the selfish person I am wishes she would be able to see her youngest granddaughter graduate too.  I wish she would be able to know her great grandkids....there is even a part of me that wishes she could have met my nephew Derek...Even though I know the relationship (or lack thereof) she had with my father's other daughter...I REALLY think she would LOVE him like we all do....

Oh well, "I know I'm selfish but I...." ~ E. Badu :)....I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

The time is almost here.....

I am a genius at remembering dates/numbers.  Once you tell me when your birthday is, it can be years later and when I see you again I will remember it.  I have my driver's license number, credit/debit card numbers, insurance policy numbers and even vehicle VIN number stored right up here in my brain.....There are a few dates I wish I didn't remember...May 16, 1977 (the day my Poppa died), October 14, 1999 (when my son's jaw was broken in 3 places by a thug), April 20, 2003 at 5:13am (when I received the call my Daddy was gone), June 8, 2008 (when I had to go to church to tell my mother that her sister had died) and November 5, 2009.....I have gone through my memory data bank and I can not think of a worse day in my LIFE! The day my Mama left me............
I put it that way because I feel "left" behind. I feel like I'll never be loved like that EVER.  People often try to give advice and say, "think about how you got over your Dad". SO NOT THE SAME!  Don't misinterpret, I LOVED MY DADDY VERY, VERY MUCH....but when he left, my Mama was there to help me through.  She & my Daddy were LONG over, but I knew she knew we loved each other and I was hurting.  So she helped me.  Now where is she to help me get over her? :).......I know it sounds dumb, but I never wanted to think about her dying.  She always made mention of what she wanted me to do and I would always cut her off and say, "Ugh, Ma! I don't want to talk about that."  She would say, "OK..." (much the same way I do).  As I sit here thinking about what I'm going through with this loss, I know she would be sick of me right now and tell me *hand in the air*, "You gonna have to STOP THIS! Ugh! Just don't make no SENSE!!!"....I can tell you Mama....I know it doesn't make sense...I'm trying to make sense out of it....I just wish you were here to HELP ME............ I thank & appreciate all who will read. Peace