Really Broken.........

Well, I got through another holiday....and I'm still here. #barely  I find myself going through the motions sometimes.  Just making sure I wake, shower, eat (sometimes), shower, sleep...or rather go to bed.  Some days I still don't sleep.....but surprisingly enough, it's a "better" restlessness.  I feel free again.....I feel peaceful....that's something I haven't felt in a long time......
I've had a few serious relationships in my lifetime....but when I sat doing the yoga meditation my therapist taught me...the revelation that I had was....I've never really had my heart broken....never.

Not until my Mama left me......

Thinking back I can think of how upset I may have been at the end of the relationships with my son's father, then with my daughters' father & then my husband.  But, when I think of it know.  I've come to realize that that hurt was more because I hated that our "family" was breaking up than that I hated the relationship was gone. I may have shed a few tears and maybe cursed someone out.....but never had that gut wrenching, can't get out of bed, eyes all puffy and red hurt until she left......Thankfully, I haven't had it since either.  Mainly because I'm still not over the heartbreak of losing her.
I did just go through a sort of "dramatic" end to a relationship.  But, it wasn't on my part.  My I guess you call it "catch phrase" when chaos ensues is, "I'm cool."  Because nine times out of ten, I am.  I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.....I also believe in following my intuition....to a point where one of my friends says it freaks him out. lol....For example, we were heading to the mechanic to get some work done on my car.  We were using the GPS and I didn't turn when it told me to.  It gave me the direction, "make the next safe u-turn"?!?! First off, I didn't know navigation systems would tell you to make ILLEGAL driving moves...then as we fussed about where I would make this turn, I said, "this doesn't FEEL right" and turned the GPS off and said I would stop at the next business & ask directions.  The next business was the oil change shop that was owned by the body shop we were heading to & one of the guys was heading there to drop off a part & let us follow him. Nothing was said the whole way there except by me...it was a swift "I told you about my light (intuition)." #Iknowthatwaspetty lol
Following my intuition I really believe has allowed me to bounce back quickly from the failed relationships in my life.  To move on without bitterness/hate/ire towards the other person....That intuition and the fact that I know and have seen that karma takes care of everything. Sometimes it goes slow as a glacier....sometimes it's swift like wildfire.  But, for some reason and I probably know what that reason is, I haven't bounced back from the heartbreak of losing my Mama/best friend/support system as quickly as I would like.  It has been 2 years and 3 holiday seasons.....I still can't get that pain out of my chest.  Where it tightens up like someone is holding your heart in their hand and squeezing tighter and tighter.
I still burst out in tears for simple things.  Like if "Gold Digger" by Kanye comes on (that was her JAM! lol) or when I'm watching something & I think of what she would say if we were watching together or her laugh or the way she would throw both her hands in the air & say "whatever" :)..I've gotten better with the tears.  I know how to "kind of" stop them if someone walks by.  I know how to creatively run my hand across my face to wipe them so people think I'm just rubbing my face.  I know people always say, "If you need to cry, cry."  That's not my problem....I don't mind that....It's the private person in me that wants me to be the only one who see those tears. Whether they be sad tears or happy tears....Sometimes they are happy tears.  But either way, I sometimes want to be the only one who knows about them. The only one who sees them......well, me and the one my heart breaks for.....Mama <3

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Stop Bangin Your Head....

Today's post comes with the news that another Hip Hop pioneer is in poor health.  Erick Sermon aka The Green Eyed Bandit and half of the trailblazing/legendary duo EPMD (Erick & Parrish Makin' Dollars)...Sermon suffered a heart attack yesterday at 42 YEARS OLD!!!
Last week I'm looking at someone just a little older than me (Heavy D) leaving this life for his reward....and today someone roughly 2 years YOUNGER than me, suffering a heart attack.  I'm not sure about anyone else, but when I was 21/22 I never thought of myself as "middle-aged"....I felt I was just getting started.
When you hear people speak of us being in our "last days" I often say, each day that we live brings us closer to the "last" so live like there is no tomorrow.  Live for yourself and your love.
I personally have known a few "younger" people who had suffered heart attacks.  One of my best friends (my Twin) recently succumbed to one at 41 just this past year.  I feel an ache in my heart every time I speak of her and how she may have felt leaving this life so young.  I know how I feel without her.  #lost/lonely/ill-preparedforlife
I really have focused more on my own mortality since my parents and my aunt have left.  While my Daddy was 73 when he left me, some may say he had lived his life and it was his time....I say when I last saw him in that room at Amsterdam House (his nursing home in Harlem, NY) he was getting better.  His "light" was coming back.  Even though I was comfortable with the "last goodbye" we had, my selfishness wanted more time.  Then my aunt left just a few months short of her 68th birthday and then my Mama leaves me a few months after her 67th birthday....it just leaves me to wonder.  How much time I have left. Where/how will my story end?
Well, I do know that all of that is not at all up to me.  So I have to go with the flow and continue to live my life.  I do know that part of my flow will include doing things I've always wanted/needed to do and connecting with those I need to connect with while at the same time dis-connecting with those who don't (possibly never did) fit.  I can not look back on things past and keep banging my head over what could have/would have been.  I just know that there is so much more in store for me and mine.
I send this post with well wishes/prayers for the recovery of Erick Sermon and any one else reading in need of prayer.  We should all stop banging our heads with what if's and why not's ("What if I was smaller?", "What if I were lighter?", "What if I had more money?", "Why doesn't he/she like me?", "Why do I keep believing when I know he/she is lying?", "Why do I keep loving when they don't love me?")......Just stop it! Start focusing on what you know to be good about you. We all have something/s.  Embrace it! Keep your head banging with the positive.....

Follow me on Twitter @RavenAboutMe or email me at Raven@nga-radio.com

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

What Are We Gonna Do???

This past two weeks have been liberating, solemn and eye-opening to say the least for me.  Culminating with the tragic news of the departure from this life by a true trailblazer of Hip Hop, Heavy D.  I remember meeting him in person when I lived in Milwaukee at Summerfest (an annual Summer concert series).  He shook my hand with both of his and looked me right in the eye when he said, "Very nice to meet you cutie."  I'm sure he said that a thousand other times to a thousand other people and I'm sure each one felt it was as genuine as I did.  I'm sure he will be sorely missed by those who knew him personally.  I did not know him at all and am deeply saddened.

Of course my emotional roller coaster started with the "anniversary" of the days leading up to the day my Mama left me.  Unfortunately, outside obstructions had caused my life to be in dis-array and out of sorts for the past few months.  I am working and have worked to put everything in order....I'm just about there.  

I'm loving the way everything is coming together.  It seems as if spending the entire day Saturday (the date my Mama left) in bed sulking was a re-birth for me.  It seems as if I closed my eyes that night and when I opened them I could see again.

I have no desire to look back at or dwell on anything in the past.  That is counter-productive to where I'm going and what I'm getting.  No hate, no animosity, no fear.....Just upward, forward and onward is what I'm "gonna" do....I have people that have been and will be in my life for the right reasons.  I've let go and will let God deal with those who were there for the wrong reasons.  Ok, ok....I will admit.  I kind of helped Him a little.  But hey, I'm human....and it was SOOOOO necessary and kind of funny. *kanye shrug*

But, I've shaken it off and aside from the necessary "paperwork".  I don't have to address any of that foolishness anymore....

Looking/realizing the age Dwight E. Myers (Heavy D.) was....He was only a little less than a year older than me.  My thoughts about what I haven't yet done overwhelmed me.  I am really focused now on what I want for me and my children in the years to come.  Knowing that tomorrow is not promised to any of us, I'm focused on doing for them AND me, the things I know we want to/need to do......Now I know what "we are" gonna do.....What are YOU gonna do??? #don'tworryI'llwait ;-)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. (Even the stalkers, lol) Peace.