Always Stood at the Back of the Line. A Smile Beneath Her Nose...........

This is my daughter.  My first little girl.  She has the most BEAUTIFUL smile I've ever seen to me.  All hers, no braces or anything. :).............Today is her 22nd birthday.  Twenty-two years ago my life changed for the better.  I grew....I grew as a person, I grew as a mother.......................

That seems really strange because she is my second child.  But honestly, I hadn't learned to actually be a mother until she was born.  With my son, everyone was doing things for me.  Never letting me sweat or need for anything.  So I had never had a realistic expectation of what being a mother was.  She was my first "solo project".  I think with Mama's help (<3), I did good.

She seems so much like me it's kind of frightening sometimes.  Same dry wit, same silly since of humor, some of the same tastes in music and we both talk more with our eyes.......She can even be VERY moody like me. Sometimes when we're having a day at the same time we have to keep distant from one another. LBS

It's often said the middle child gets lost between the oldest and the baby.  Not my Devin Zayna, she has her own shine and it shines BRIGHT as her smile.

She gave me so many of my "firsts" as a mom.  She gave me my first labor pains, my first natural birth.  She was my first little girl.  I remember all of the bows and lacey socks, the dresses and the co-ordinating outfits. (We used to dress alike a LOT, lol)....I also remember getting tired of doing both of our hair everyday so I cut ALL of mine off. LBVS.....

I love all of the "firsts" we've shared, even the bad ones, because they helped me grow and learn to be a better mother.  I'm still not the BEST mother.  But I'm damn sure not the WORST mother either.

I want to again wish my Devin the Happiest of Birthday's and the Happiest of all the rest of the days of her life.  I love her more than the air I breathe!!!

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

You Again..............

Another song that triggers a thought but really has nothing to do with how I'm feeling.....Just the words "you again" make me think I'm going back to that place again.....

Believe it or not, I STILL haven't unpacked my bag from when I went to Indianapolis to say goodbye to my Twin. I don't know why, I just haven't. Not only that, I slept so long yesterday and today it was like I had jet lag. When I came in the house yesterday afternoon I promptly returned to my bed, to my pillow, turned on the music channel, rolled on my stomach and went to sleep.......Woke up, just to go to McDonald's to pick up dinner....Then I saw something on my drive that hit me hard, gave me that feeling like I've been punched in the gut....So after I got back home, I got back in the bed.

Months ago this was my thing. Staying in bed not moving, not being productive, only doing things I HAD to for the house or my daughter. I thought since I changed up some things in my life, that would change. I did start to feel better when I made the change, but now, not so much. Again being the person I am I don't want to speak about what's bothering me because I don't really know. Or I may know and I know there's nothing I can do about it....I think that's more it than anything.....

It's just amazing to me how I can spend days/weeks without sleep or restful sleep, then all of the sudden I can't get enough of it. I know you can't "catch up on sleep", once it's gone it's gone.....But if it were ever possible, I would be caught up and even passed my sleep.

I don't want to go "back" to that place, because that place was/is not helpful to me. It doesn't provide me any comfort at all. Besides that I never want to go "back", I'm trying to move "forward", on to better things.....................

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Missing You So.............

"& every minute you're gone, I'm missing you so.........."

This song's message is powerful. It really doesn't apply to my pain, but I feel my Mama every time I hear it.....Especially the one line, "and every minute you're gone, I'm missing you so." I've said before I can find a connection with my Mama in just about every song I hear now. Even song's like, "You Fancy, Huh" make me think about her. I know she would like that and would probably sit in the car chair dancing to it. Besides that she always kept her "hair done, nails done, everything did", lol.......

Today this BEAUTIFUL song that is sung so BEAUTIFULLY by Marsha Ambrosius of Floetry came on the radio while I was in the car. It's funny because I usually listen to my cd's the entire time I'm in the car on the weekends. During the week I only listen to the radio in the morning for the Tom Joyner Morning Show or in the afternoon, for the Doug Banks Show. But just before I was going to hit disc #4 and listen to some Stevie Wonder, I heard this song come on. Another weird thing about when this song came on, I looked up at a Fagen Pharmacy sign.......

Now you may say, "So what?" You're right, nothing is really special about Fagen Pharmacy. In fact I use Walgreens more. But, the sign just made me think of the Fagen Pharmacy on 5th ave and Broadway that I went to on October 26, 2009....the day my nightmare started. After I held my hand out to my Mama's doctor for her to give me her prescription, she said to me that it can be filled right down the street at Fagen Pharmacy for $4. I asked my Mama if she wanted me to take it there she said yes.....So before I took her home I stopped to drop off the prescription. I remember from the time I left the doctor's office with her my stomach was in one big knot. I also remember being irritated when I got to the pharmacy and they said it wouldn't be ready for an hour.......

I took her home so she could eat, then drove back to pick up the prescription. I knew it wouldn't be ready when I got there, I just needed to sit by myself for a minute because I felt like I was gasping for air....I needed a wide open or at least solitary space.

Keep in mind this was not the point where everything started to spiral down. This was just the beginning. When the doctor made me think a few blood tests and some medicine was going to fix everything.....but something in me that day made me physically ill, I felt nauseous, I didn't know at that time why I did....I do know now.

It just pains me that I can be having an "alright" day and one thought takes me away to that hurtful place. Not even a particular day, not even a particular place, just a thought of something that happened or something that was said and I'm back to wanting to just curl up in my bed (which is where I am now)...................

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Please take time to watch this video and receive the message from this song and then pass it on. Peace

The Sweetest Gift

Last year was my first birthday without my Mama. I've never been good at telling people what type of gift to get me. I don't like when people ask what I want and when I say "nothing" (which I usually do) they keep asking, like I'll change my mind........ I'm the kind of gift giver who thinks about the person I'm giving the gift to and buys what I think they'll like by their personality or if I actually see a need (like my mother needing a jewelry armoire because she had her jewelry scattered around in a bunch of jewelry boxes, like I do now)......If someone tells me they don't want anything, they would usually get a Visa gift card to get whatever it is that they "didn't want".........

A few days before my birthday last year, my youngest daughter asked me what she should get me for my birthday. I again said, whatever she felt like getting me (knowing I would have to give her the money for it, lol)....She had a sort of sad look on her face, because I know she felt bad because she's been the one watching me go through my heartache every day and she wanted to make me feel better. So, knowing that she is a PHENOMENAL writer, I told her to just write me a poem......This is what I got:

Mother, Momma, Mommy

Mother:
In the eyes of a mother,
her child is a fallen angel.
Just like her little piece of heaven,
her miracle.

In the eyes of a daughter,
her mother is a guardian angel
who fell from heaven so angelically.
Teaching her valuable lessons and making her smarter,
but she doesn't need an Early Childhood education degree.

Momma:
What words would describe my devotion?
It would take the rest of my life and a thousand tongues
to say exactly how much you mean to me,
but here's a small summary:

You're my guiding light.
You're my sun that shines so bright.
You were my love at first sight
and you're still the love of my life.

Mommy:
You deserve a crown
made with every jewel, gem, diamond and pearl
because you already sit on a throne
bigger than the entire world.

You're my beautiful, black queen.
You're the voice of reason I always hear,
telling me to follow all my dreams.
I love you unconditionally.

Thanks for everything, Mommy.

Love, Dylan

.................This has to be the Sweetest Gift I've ever received in my ENTIRE LIFE. :'-)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Back at It.............

It's been almost a week but I still can't get my routine back.  I had just begun to sleep a little better, not much, but a little.  Then the past few days I'm up ALL night.....I can't really say what I do.  I listen to music, but I do that throughout my whole day.  Sometimes I'll turn on the TV hoping it will bore me to sleep, but the light from the set just really irritates me more than anything and the sound of the people's voices gets on my nerves.. ...
The simplest thing I can't get back to is my order.  The order of things in my house.  Particularly my room.  Before my life was thrown off, yet again, I would get up and take the dogs out at the same time in the morning.  I hate I got off that routine, because they were just getting trained to expect it.  Luckily, Bentley (Dylan's dog) is smart enough to come and stand outside the door or scratch at it whimpering to tell me it's their time.....after taking them out I would take Dylan to school, if I needed I would stop at the grocery store....when I come back home it's time to get to work.  Contacting clients and making appointments for the business....
Now, I'm forgetting what I need to get done even more than before. Procrastinating is my new "thing".  I have not even unpacked my bag and I've been home since SATURDAY...my bathroom is a mess, but I did manage to make my bed this morning.  For some reason I definitely don't sleep well if my bed isn't made before I get in it. *shrug*......
I thought today that Twin and my Mama are together.  Although they only met in passing while they were here, I absolutely know my Mama would LOVE her....her down to earth nature, the fact that she smoke & drank.  All things Mama did/was.....Just the fact that we were so much alike lets me know if they're together, they are happy to be around one another.
These past few days I'm having happy memories of Twin.  Thinking about how funny she was, wondering what silly thing she would have said if she were listening to some of the nonsense I've heard in the past few days.  Even what she would've said about Rahm Emmanuel being elected Mayor of Chicago.....
I'm not gonna dwell on what she "would have" said for now.....I'll just remember what she DID say.  How she  supported/comforted me without even trying.  How wide I smiled when I saw the last text she sent me.  Actually a 3 days before she left me: "Hey Twinny Twin....thinking about you girly. What it do?"  After I answered either I erased her reply or she didn't send one.  I just know seeing that "What it do?" and imagining her voice saying it made me chuckle a little.  I think now about the texts we sent back and forth when I was feeling down and going through and vice/versa.....What I know is I think she helped me so much more than I helped her (if I helped her at all).  What I also know is I am oh so grateful for those texts and I hate I didn't save them.....I wish I had. :-(

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Parent/Friend.............

Sitting outside my daughter's driving school waiting on her to finish class, I'm reflecting on the times I've spent with my children.  She is the last one to live in the house with me, attend driving class, graduate, become an adult.....Soon enough, maybe too soon, she will be out on her own....and so will I...............
I have had a child since I was 17 years old, so I've never known adulthood without having to care for a child.   Just like she will be embarking on a new chapter of her life, so will I......
I can never say I tried to be the kind of mother my Mama was, because every person is different.  She was a great Mama for me, but I had to be a different Mama for them.  I definitely won't say I was perfect, neither was my Mama. Who was ever a perfect parent?  If they say they were, they're lying......I made mistakes, because every aspect of each of their lives brought a new learning experience.  Each toddler temper tantrum was different, although each one of them got their behinds tore up behind it, lol.....Each junior high, he say/she say drama was different.  Each time though, they had to work that out on their own.  I never get involved in kids' mess, I have a friend who does and I think she is so silly for even engaging that nonsense....Each high school crush, teenage rebellion and college decision was different and had to be dealt with on it's own merits......
For my Mama I guess it was a relief that she only had the one child to go through this with....I have three. *shrug*.....I learn something different from every situation and how I respond to it.  While I should be teaching them, I'm learning as well.
I've always known that I can't be their friend one hundred percent of the time.  Also, that a parent/friend is different from any friend relationship you will ever have.  Because their has to be boundaries and limits to what you will and won't do in your friendship.  For example, we can go to the movies together, but we can't go to the club together.  Some parents may not mind, but I just would never want to be in a club with my child.  Their kind of club is generally not my kind of club and vice/versa.
Another boundary I've set, just because it's how I was with my parents, is that I don't want my kids swearing around me.  Now, I'm not an idiot, I know they do it...Hell, I do it. (Thus my full swear jar, lol)....I just think it is a matter of respect.  I didn't swear in front of my parents.  Of course since my Mama lived with me at one time, she may have walked up on me having a conversation and one may have slipped.  If I saw her, I would immediately say, "Oh Mama, I'm sorry."  She would laugh and just wave her hand like it didn't matter.  Which I know it didn't matter to her if I swore in front of her, that was just something I felt I shouldn't do, so I don't want my kids doing it in front of me.  ESPECIALLY not the youngest, she's only 15....
What I've always tried to express to my children is to expand their vocabulary, now while sometimes a properly placed expletive can release a LOT of frustration and make you feel SO MUCH BETTER....You should have an extensive enough vocabulary to be able to have a complete conversation without using ONE...Unfortunately, there are many kids and adults alike that are not able to do this.  Every other word is an expletive or a filler word (e.g. uh, you know, well, etc.)......
I may not have had the Huxtables for parents (who has), but I had some DAMN GOOD ones and they taught me a great deal about respect and love.  I hope I have been even half as successful as they are with this parenting thing....I sure do try hard. :)

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

On My Meds...............

Here I go again, on NO SLEEP.....sitting here, laptop on my lap, music channel playing, comfy night gown, WIDE AWAKE like I just had my 2nd cup of coffee.  I don't want to be awake, but I don't want to sleep.  I have shut everything off and just sat in the dark, but that wasn't productive either.  I just sat trying to "imagine what silence looks like" (Prince reference, lol).....

Sometimes sleep can be the best feeling in the world.  Your body AND mind need sleep in order to function properly.  Does my lack of sleep affect my decision making?  Maybe it does.  I know my body is tired and achy but I thought, up until this point, my mind was still sharp.  I could be wrong.....but, going over some of my thoughts in the past few days since sleep has been eluding me....maybe I am thinking TOO much outside of the box.  Maybe I should reel it in just a little.

What I can say is that my appetite didn't leave like it did before.  That's a blessing because I was JUST getting my weight back up.  The first couple of days I didn't eat or at least I don't remember if I did.  Another thing I can say is that I've laughed a lot more than before.  When my Mama left me I couldn't find one thing funny.  I think I even resented others laughing around me.  But, even in the sanctuary when I was bawling my eyes out, I heard through my cries someone say how Twin would "cuss someone out if you needed her to."  I still cried, but I laughed at the same time, because it was funny and TRUE AS HELL!  LOL.....

It was good to talk about the things she would say and what she would've said if she knew they were gonna bury her in the suit they did....I really don't even think those were her clothes. LBS...(didn't look like something she would wear)......When I got to the funeral home with Gen & Nikki, I walked through the sea of people (there were so many).  I saw faces I remembered and stopped to quickly give hugs.  But for some reason I felt myself being "pulled" toward her, I wanted to see her, stand near her.  As people saw me walk in they wanted to hug me or talk to me and I understood all of that....I wasn't trying to be rude, but I didn't want to do ONE THING until I got to the front of that room to lay eyes on her for what had to be the last time.

It's weird, because you know you're just looking at a "shell" or a "vessel" and that person's spirit/soul is no longer there.  They no longer "exist", but I FELT her....as I stood there looking at her and not speaking I FELT her.  As if she was saying, "Why are all these nigs running around me? I need to step outside for a second, for real." #nodoubttosmoke LOL.....

What I love about my memories of her is the laughter.  She could make your stomach hurt with the things she would say and more importantly, HOW she would say them....That is what I will miss the most.  I do have other friends that are funny and can make me laugh like crazy.  Like Gen when she screams "TAMALAY" for no apparent reason. #thatticklesme..Keith with his dry wit & when he says the most OFF THE WALL things that you may "think" but never dare say..or Lisa when she says something and says she's being "immature" when she's really just being as crazy as the rest of us...or Nikki, when she's being silly and being expressive with those big eyes...or even funnier, Kelly with her "I don't give a fuck what I say" attitude....All of them keep me in stitches and one of the main reasons I love their friendship is because of the laughs.

It is often said that laughter is the best medicine.  I see that to be true remembering the laughs Twin gave me is much help to me.  It doesn't help me sleep, but it helps me to laugh instead of cry................

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Friends/Not Friends.............

Going back over this past week I still feel like it is all a dream. Like I will wake up and none of this has happened. Going through postings, messages and phone calls ready to press delete but can't.

Thinking of things that were said and done over this past week and realizing AGAIN how some people do/say the DUMBEST SHIT in situations like this. Sometimes you can attribute it to nervousness/ignorance/evilness....sometimes you don't make excuses for it, you just move on from it.

There is a person who has been a part of my life for a number of years that I have been making excuses for and now I know it's time to stop. Their unhappiness is starting to consume ME and I am allowing it to happen and that has to end.

Holding a grudge has never been my thing. Once I say I'm over something I am. Once I've forgiven I've done just that. I never believe in throwing someone's mistakes up in their face. No good comes of that. Besides that, if you continue to bring up how someone has hurt you, doesn't that bring the hurt back to you? #duh.....

I also don't believe in baiting people. If I have something to say I will say it. If something bothers me, I will either meditate on it and let it go or I will address it and try to clear it up. It just depends if I care enough about the person to be bothered.

That's my issue now. Do I care enough? I really don't think I do. I have had this friendship for a long time and lately it has become more STRESSFUL than a comfort to me. We're definitely not on the same page when it comes to ANYTHING (child rearing, relationships, lifestyles, etc). Not at all like me and Twin.

I began to think I needed to keep this friend because Twin is gone.....but that's ridiculous, because NO ONE can replace her role in my life or fill in that void. I think she would say, "Girl, let that shit go. That just doesn't make any sense to me." It really doesn't. I can tell the underlying contempt/envy/resentment.....from everything from my children, how well they are doing/not doing to the people I choose to be friends with outside of her. I found myself not mentioning my children's accomplishments because each time it became a contest. I found myself not talking about things I should bring to a friend because it eventually would turn into, what she needs or honestly, she would seem "pleased" that I'm going through. I found that things she should be asking me about, like how the kids and I are doing, how I feel about the current things going on in my relationship or how I'm feeling having lost someone else....she hasn't had ONE thought/concern of that...unlike my friends outside of her who call/text/email me daily.....She seems seriously more concerned or better yet NOSEY about the DETAILS of the tragedy....actually asking me and then another person the SAME EXACT QUESTIONS as if my answer wasn't enough "juice" for her.

At times I know I can be short with people. That is a flaw I do work on daily. However, I would prefer you address how I made you feel or tell me off rather than to try to "get back at me". I've never had a problem with someone telling me I'm wrong. Even if I don't feel I was.  I mean I don't "love" it, who does love to be wrong.  But, communication is always an important part of caring to me. I used to have to talk things to death, lol......I still like to talk things out, but I don't have to nit-pick at every detail of the issue like I once did. Now when someone would prefer not to communicate or to do DELIBERATE things to me, I will not try to "smooth" things over. I'm not that "evolved" or that "nice".....I will just let it go. That "letting go" may mean that I simply ignore the situation and keep it moving. Or, I cut ties and keep it moving. Whichever I chose to do depends on my level of caring......but either way, I "keep it moving"....Especially now since I realize how very short life can be.

In this instance, I know I don't care enough and need to cut ties. I know full well that misery loves company and I'm not in the mood to visit with misery at all.............................

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Panicking........

I'm the first to tell anyone, I don't handle things well sometimes.  Sometimes when faced with adversity, I panic or cry, panic AND cry, or just cry.  LBS....But, even through all the emotions I get things done.  Because in some way or another I've always had to rely on myself and do things for myself.
Yesterday, I did something I've done all to often in the past few years.  I went to buy flowers for a funeral.  This was SO hard to do because it was for my GIRL.  My Twin who I KNOW should not be gone and I am SO MAD that she is.  A different person who knows their limits, would have probably just tried to do it over the phone or even better called and asked someone to go with her.....I couldn't do it.  I always have to be strong and do things on my own.  Really because I hate to seem like I'm bothering people with my issues.  I never want to be a burden.  Also, I feel that if I call people for little issues, if something really big comes up they won't show up. In actuality a lot of times when I do call people for the big things they don't show up so I'm still disappointed and feel like an idiot for asking.  I stood in that flower shop feeling like the junky walls were about to close in on me and I would be swallowed by carnations.  On top of that, the lady who was initially waiting on me was such a BITCH!  I let my vocabulary cut her up though and she fell back. LOL...But, to get through that without losing it...I sent a text to a friend and the reply was what I needed to hear so I felt much better.  I was still ready to get the hell out of their, but I felt loved and comforted. :)
Then today, my day was just full from beginning to end.  Appointments, things to do, places to be and then when it was about time to come home and wind down....slowly riding down a dark street trying to avoid pot holes I couldn't see.....BAM!!! I hit a pothole and it takes out TWO of my tires, both on the drivers side.....It took a few phone calls and a good Samaritan to get me back mobile...But after a few initial expletives and sighs with hands thrown in the air.....I got over it.  I didn't let it stress me out and the best part --- I DIDN'T CRY OR PANIC.  *pats myself on the back*
Maybe I didn't because my mouth was in too much pain from getting my tooth pulled and I couldn't talk loud enough to scream and it really hurt if I talked at all.....Maybe it was because I have come to realize that non of that does any good.  (I actually knew that all along, but did it anyway)....Maybe it was because I know I'm blessed to have a car to be stranded in. (Some don't even have that.)....Maybe it was because I know that since I got the tires at Sears it won't cost much to replace them.....Or maybe, just maybe, I didn't panic because she was the one I would panic to and she's not hear to listen. *shrug*

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Open Arms........

I remember when Twin and I were sitting in my living room over Thanksgiving weekend listening to music. We loved the same music. Sometimes I just really couldn't believe someone else's music tastes were just as diverse as mine.

We talked at length about Rachelle Farrell and how beautiful her voice is and how underrated she and Cassandra Wilson are as vocalists. It's just so strange how I can recall the conversation so vividly now that she's gone, when I'm thinking had someone asked me what we talked about the day before everything fell apart and she left us, I probably wouldn't have a clue.

I remember her telling me about how she loves reading these blogs I do. How she thinks I should write a book. I blew her off and she gave me a straight face without a smile and was like, "Girl I'm serious! No bullshit, for real." :) I told her like I tell Gen when she says the same thing, "I don't know. Maybe." She just sat back on the sofa like she was saying "whateva nigga"....and she probably was. LMAO

I just really hate how you plan to do things and never get to. I guess that's life....or death...however you want to look at it. *shrug*.....When she was here sitting and chatting with me while I locked my daughter's hair. I looked at hers which was such a nice, light, sandy color to me. She said she was trying to figure out what to do with it and we decided when she came back up here I would lock it for her......*sigh* I didn't get a chance to see if it would be as pretty as I thought it would.

We had just talked about her coming up here for my birthday in a few weeks. Her and Gen said I was gonna celebrate whether I wanted to or not. We had already planned for her to ride with Devin when she came up so she didn't have anymore Greyhound issues.........

This is SO UNFAIR to me. I'm where I was when my Mama was ripped away from me. In a mad place. I thought it was unfair for me to be left without my Mama when she was so young and had not seen her great-grandchildren or so many of the other things that will be happening with me or her grandchildren....I think it is even MORE UNFAIR that Twin's boys have to go through this AGAIN in less than a year. Who does that? Who takes lives like that? So random, so disconcertingly, so (IMO) callously.......Those are rhetorical questions.....Of course I already know........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. These writings are based totally on my feelings and opinions. I understand if this is your last read. Peace.

Yeah So, It's Valentine's Day.............

I've never really looked forward to Valentine's day as an adult.  As a kid I guess it was special because you would get candy and little pieces of paper with pictures on it from a little boy who had a crush on you.  I think all of the allure of this holiday wore off by freshman year of high school.
Some previous Valentine's day may stand out.  Like the one year a limo filled with flowers was sent to pick me up from work or the year when I got a wedding proposal during dinner (I said "yes" but we never got married, lol).....But, I'm not the one who "can't wait for Valentine's day"....I really can't think of ONE holiday I look forward to.
My favorite holiday used to be the 4th of July.  Not because of any kind of "independence" this country received, but because I like the fireworks and it's a holiday during the warm months.  Other holidays just do nothing for me.  With Valentine's day, I know I'm going to get flowers and candy.  That's a given.  This time though I got a GREAT gift.....My oldest daughter brought me the special edition, "Beauty & the Beast" DVD because she knows how much I love that movie.
After I found out I lost Twin, I went into a cleaning frenzy.  When I'm upset I clean.  So I cleaned bathrooms, finished laundry, vacuumed, dusted and when I couldn't think of anything else to do I sat and watched the movie.  I felt good watching, I smiled at the usual spots I smile at, just no laughter.  Didn't have a laugh to let out.  Didn't enjoy that day or the "holiday" today.  Tired of days that I wish didn't happen.............

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Kindred........

Starting with the early hours of the morning, this entire day has been "off".....for me to hardly ever be sick or never really have any pain outside of a tooth or headache, I was having this weird pain in my chest....that wasn't the only thing that was off, my phone rang while I was asleep and I didn't hear it.  That is strange in itself because my baby girl was at a sleepover and I normally always wake up when my phone rings, ESPECIALLY if my kids aren't at home.  Well, when my phone rang again this morning.  I felt a chill when I heard Gen's voice and then I felt like someone punched me HARD in the stomach when she said Thelma was gone.............
I've known her over half of my life.  We weren't really close in high school, but I considered us friends because there was never a time when I saw her that there wasn't an exchange.  Whether it was a quick "Hey Girl" or her sitting next to me in Mrs. Shropshire's English class making me laugh HARD.
Here we were years later reconnected through our mutual love for Gen.  I was so glad for that reconnection.  She was such a comforting voice to hear when my Mama left me.  Her hugs were so genuine.  Her smile infectious.  There was no way that she would smile at you and you wouldn't smile back, no matter how you felt.......We found through just our casual conversations, laughing and being just silly that we thought very much alike.  That we loved and hated the same things.  The only difference I can see that we had is that she ate pork and like she would say, "I can't like that". :)
It wasn't until one day when I posted Tom Sawyer by Rush that we really said we were Twins.  I mean really, two black girls liking (well loving) this hard rock song?  What are the odds?  We knew we were sisters from another mother then.....When my Mama left me, she was there.  Offering words or no words.  Another difference we had, which really balanced us out more than anything, was that she was more social than me.  While she would like to talk to people, I prefer not to.  She was also right there offering words and back up when I had to make a decision about how my life would be moving forward.  When she was here for the Thanksgiving holiday her bus was delayed going back to Indy so we spent most of the day together talking and laughing.  That is one time, I will thank Greyhound for their shoddy service.  It allowed me to spend quality time with my Twin. :)
I can't imagine the hurt her boys are feeling (they actually are twins)....I guess that's another reason I can't imagine this happening.  Their father just passed away last May and now their mother.....They're only 20yrs old!
I really don't feel like opening my mouth.  Words hurt.  I don't have breathe to speak them.  Even if I did, I don't know what they would sound like coming out. The only real words I can put together to speak are "I just can't"....What "can't" I do?  I can't believe this is happening.  I can't believe those boys have to lose BOTH parents in less than a year. I can't believe that she won't be here to make me laugh when she says or types "Boo Nigga Boo". lol.......but mainly, I CAN'T BELIEVE GOD WOULD ALLOW THIS!
When my Mama passed all I could say then is, "I don't like it. But, I understand."  I said that over and over again through my tears.  I guess I was trying to make myself believe that.  Because, actually  I don't UNDERSTAND.  I don't want to hear, "everything happens for a reason" or "she's in a better place".  I know all that, I want to UNDERSTAND why this is happening.  Why so much death, so young, leaving so much behind?

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.
R.I.P. Twin. I Love You <3

Numbers Game............

My parents liked to gamble.  They weren't addicted or anything.  I mean they didn't not pay bills in order to gamble.  They just did it for fun and I guess the thrill of winning.  Now my Daddy, he bet on all types of things, games, horses, cards, dice and numbers.....My Mama just strictly played numbers and was pretty good at it.   I go through things every so often....there's really so much stuff I don't even think I'll ever finish...then when I do, I still have stuff in storage. *shrug*.........I've come across her "numbers notebook", I look through it and try to figure out her "system", as with everything she kept, it was very organized......
I'm not really a gambler.  If I keep running across a number, I'll play it.  My Mama always told me to do that. If I see my birthday in a license plate, on a house, etc. Just put a dollar on it combo.  I did actually hit a couple of times with her advice or by just playing whatever she was playing.
Since she's been gone, I think a lot about numbers, well a certain number in particular.  The number 67.  She was 67 when she left me and her sister/my aunt was 67 when she left as well.  Coincidence?  Maybe. Just an eerie coincidence to me.....Mainly because they are my bloodline, the whole heredity/genetics thing.  The fact that they were adopted by my grandfather when he met my Nana and there is no clarity on where/what/who their biological father was (the secrets the older people keep sometimes, *smh*)....
Realizing that "coincidentally" I may only have a good 24 years left to do what I need to do or live how I want to live, caused me to change a lot about my life.  Honestly, it may just be a strange coincidence that they both left at 67, but who knows.  I mean, the reasons they left were TOTALLY different.  My Aunt Tommie had been ill for a while, she had diabetes and needed a kidney.  She had her leg amputated in March of '08 and never recovered fully.  She left us in June of that same year.  It was a long time spent in the hospital and it seemed like she was just slowly leaving.  She was in a hospital in Illinois that was about 30 mins from home.  After I got of work each day I drove my Mama out there to sit with her sister because I knew there was no place else she wanted to be.  I did hate to see her so upset because she was worried about her sister/best friend.....My Mama's circumstances were very different.  I may never really know why she left me because I wouldn't approve an autopsy (mainly because it wouldn't bring her back to me if they cut her open).  All I know is it was quick!  They said it "could have been" a mass they found on her lung.  It "could have been" kidney disease.  Or it "could have been" a massive stroke (which was what was listed as the cause on the death certificate).....So any of those things I could possibly die from at 67, but realistically I could die of anything at ANYTIME.
For that very reason, I try to live life to the fullest.  No longer am I going to live unhappily for the sake of not damaging anyone else's feelings.  I've found that the more and more I try to make someone else happy, the more and more some people try to take from me and thus diminish my happiness.  I know everyday is not gonna be sunshine and blue skies, but those days should be cloudy because it's inevitable....not because I left myself in a situation/circumstance to be unhappy.
One thing that I noticeably changed is my care for my physical self.  I hardly ever catch a cold or feel so ill that something over the counter couldn't help me out....but now, I go to the doctor regularly as scheduled, just for safety sake.   If there is something wrong that I can be prepared for, then I'll be prepared.  Not only that, I have my children to think of and not taking every necessary precaution to make sure they don't have to worry is actually a no-brainer......

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

How She Gave Me Love......

"I can't forget how she gave me love..............."

I was listening to this song while cleaning today. I'm beginning to think that there are no songs that won't make me think about her. Sometimes it's a good thing. Like when I hear "Gold Digger" and think about her singing the verse or when I hear "Hot in Here" and picture her moving to the beat. It cracked me up that she loved those two songs.

I guess I'm getting better. Just a few tears everyday not as many as before. Just a few times when I think to myself, "Wait 'til I tell Mama......" Just every now and then do I look at my passenger seat and get sad because my co-pilot is not there putting her head in the way to look to the right with me. :)

In the days leading up to my birthday, I've thought about the birthdays we spent together. I really think my favorite birthday spent with Mama was strictly just me and her...........

When my Mama and I moved to Gary, we didn't have a lot. When I think about it, my Mama was in her late 30's and was starting her life over with her little girl. So, she wouldn't have had a lot. I couldn't tell then. She always made sure I had what I needed/wanted. Sometimes thinking back and knowing what I do for my children, I'm sure there were times when she did without to make sure I had. I learned later on in life that my Daddy didn't help as often as he should, but she forgave him, so I did too.

On my 14th birthday in 1982 I remember it was a very snowy day. When I finally made it from the bus stop to our apartment, she was home. She usually was still at work when I got home, so I was glad to see her. She gave me my Happy Birthday hug and a card with money in it (that always worked with me). Then she asked what did I want for dinner. I picked that up from her. Whatever meal my children want for their birthday is theirs. Whether I have to cook it (which I don't like to do) or we're going to a restaurant or a drive thru......I told her I wanted Pizza because I knew we could get that delivered and I didn't want her to have to cook.

Well, a big hole was shot in my plan when we called the Pizza place and because of the weather they weren't delivering. So we decided to go to a little diner that was not to far from our apartment and eat in.......

As we walked down the street we talked and laughed.....even through the snow. Then she thought about something I wanted that I didn't even remember I wanted.....Strawberry Nehi.....

When I find something I like, I stick with it. Strawberry Nehi was so good to me with crushed ice in it. Funny thing is, now I can't stand crushed ice in my drinks.....But at 14, Strawberry Nehi was my drink (Now, it's DEFINITELY Pepsi)......As we were walking and passed a block away from the convenience store she said, "Oh shoot, we have to stop there on the way back and get your soda. We don't have anymore in the house." I LOVED the way she knew me. I LOVED THE WAY SHE LOVED ME.....

Let me rephrase that........I LOVE the way she KNOWS me. I LOVE the way she LOVES me....no past tense. :)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Tomatoes...........

My Daddy would always tell me not to say I don't like something before I try it.  Since they were the only one of their friends with a child I would always go with them to the restaurants and parties.  Always surrounded by grown ups, but always knowing my place.  I remember going to a Japanese restaurant and trying octopus for the first time and REALLY liking it, I think I was about 9 or 10.  I think that's what started my discerning taste in food and everything else.
My mother wasn't really a picky eater.  She would eat things like neck bones, oxtails and *ugh* chitterlings.  I have never and will never try those.  I remember one Thanksgiving when we were all here in Gary for the holiday, I told my Daddy, "If you want me to try those I don't want to eat ANYTHING."  He just laughed and said I didn't have to because he wouldn't even put anything that smells like that in his mouth. lol
My Mama cooked all kinds of things but her favorite food was chicken.  Which I don't care for really.  If she were frying chicken for herself and the girls, she would always fix something else for me to eat.  She always made sure I wouldn't be hungry when I got home. :)  A lady that goes to our church always tells the story about when she was at my Mama's house for one of our meeting and Mama was cooking dinner for everyone, how my Mama made spaghetti and wouldn't let anyone touch the sauce without sausage because that was for me because I don't eat pork.  I didn't think anything of it because that was just what she would do, it was natural to me.
Just like when I would take her grocery shopping.  That has always been a tedious task to me, I don't like it so I would just take her and wait in the car until she called me to tell me to come help her bag.....Every once in a while I would come in and walk around the store with her and pick up little things I would be craving.  Most of the time the first thing I would pick up was green tomatoes from the produce section......I LOVE FRIED GREEN TOMATOES....I don't know when I was first introduced to them, but give me some grits, hot sauce and those fried green tomatoes and I'm in heaven.
Whenever I would get them, my Mama would say, "Now who is gonna cook those?"  I would look at her, smile and say, "You."  She always protested, but I knew the next morning she was gonna cook them for me and her (she liked them too).............
I decided when I went grocery shopping the other day to pick some up and make them myself.  I wasn't apprehensive about it, because I knew how to make them (not like I messed up her macaroni and cheese).  Now, if you read my blog regularly, you're probably expecting to hear me say that making the tomatoes made me cry....Actually, no they didn't.  I made them, just like she would have, they were good and they made me smile thinking about how she would say, "You ate ALL of them." =)...........

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Higher Ground........

"I'm so glad that he let me try it again. Cuz the last time I lived I lived a whole world of sin. So glad I know now more than I knew then....."

I still have a lot to learn. I say all the time that I'm always learning. I'm not perfect, nor do I try to be. The only thing I try to be is a good person. I think if I haven't succeeded in one thing, I've succeeded in that. I am a good person. I care about people and I try to show them that through my actions......sometimes, well a lot of times, I fall short....thus, my imperfection.......

I don't handle things nearly as well as my Mama did. I think I have my Daddy's temperament...especially when things are bad. When my children are going through things it hurts my heart to no end. I can't even explain the feeling. It's like a sharp ache every time it beats. I wish I had all of the answers to their problems. Actually, I wish there was a magic wand that would make everything go away. Or more realistically a handbook that tells me exactly what to say or do at times like this when my child is hurting. I'm hurting too, not only for my child, but for myself. Right now, I can't focus on my hurt because I have to make sure my child is ok.....I don't know if this decision will make my hurt worse, but if it does, I just have to accept it because my child always comes first.......

Now, I've recently been told that I have an "I don't give a fuck" attitude. At times I do. It's a defense mechanism like anyone else may have to protect their heart. At this time, it's not the case. My attitude is more of a defeatist one than an idgaf.....I've given up because I feel like I've lost....scratch that, I don't "feel like" I've lost. It's obvious that I HAVE lost......

It's not a good feeling to lose, I don't know anyone who enjoys losing.  I don't.  I especially don't like to lose something I felt held so much value to me and to my life.  Especially since I tried so hard to keep it.  I just have to continue to learn and keep on trying until I reach higher, safer, more secure ground........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Save the Date...........

My 43rd birthday is only a month away....Last year I spent my 42nd on the couch in tears, I mean buckets of tears....That was my first birthday without her.......
When I talk about that birthday, I think about the days leading up to it.  Those days include my oldest daughter's 21st birthday.  Another milestone my Mama missed.  It was her first birthday without her Gigi and I knew it would be hard for her.  I wanted to spend it with her so my youngest and I headed down to Indy to be with her. She seemed to have a good time and I was glad, I always want my children happy.  I really didn't even realize then that a couple of days later would be my birthday at that time I didn't care, I was enjoying hers.
Now, in exactly one month from today, I will bring in my 2nd birthday without my girl/first best friend/confidante. I'm stronger than I was last year about this same time, I look forward to it more.  I am hoping to celebrate this time instead of spending it on the couch with my tears.  But, I have to take everything day to day because I never know how I will feel when I wake up.
One of my good friends was having a birthday party that I was looking forward to going to last week.  Up until it was time for me to get dressed I was fine, then out of the blue a memory was triggered and the tears flowed like rain.  I couldn't bring myself to leave the house or my bed......
It's not that we ever really did anything special together on my birthday...Maybe did dinner or something like that....It is just the thought that she was there, right there to smile at me the way she did and tell me "Happy Birthday Darling" in that voice of hers.....People always say, "she's here with you" to comfort me and I get that...It's just not what I want......
I want to physically SEE her, FEEL her, SMELL her, TOUCH her....That "she's here in spirit" thing is all well and good.  That part I can accept.  I just can't accept the physical presence being gone.  I can, but I don't WANT to....But, I WILL.......
I will for me. I will for my children and I will for my Mama....Because I know she's about sick of me right now............LOL

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Cabin in the Sky................

Since I can never be still, even with being snowed in I have to find things to do.  My office/den is a wreck, papers everywhere.  Maybe that's what has me so behind on everything, the disorder.  I can't stand disorder and mess.  I've been places where someone says they've just cleaned and I can immediately spot where they missed. lbs.......
I decided that since I can't leave my home, I'll get order back to my office so I can get back on track with my business.  This abyss I find myself in makes me lack the focus I feel I always had and that bothers me.  Sorting through papers and things in the wee hours of the morning was not such a bright idea.  I know how sensitive I am to certain things and seeing those things coupled with the insomnia I suffer is not a good mix for my heart......
When you're the "informant" of someone who passes (hate that word), the funeral home  (at least the one I used) gives you a leather bag with all of the papers, resolutions, cards and extra obituaries in it.  My Mama already had one for her sister, now I have one for her so I have to look at two of these "things". My Aunt Tommie's and my Mama's.....
I see them all the time, I thought if I moved them from where they were (under my desk), I would feel a little better about having them.  I moved them into the garage, but my eyes still have contact with them every day, even though there is lots of other stuff in that garage.  In order to organize, I felt I should separate all of these papers I have for each of them into these bags to keep them together.  Mind you, I can not remember the last time I have opened them, much less looked inside.  I looked inside my Aunt Tommie's first.  My Mama was even more organized than I "think" I am.  Everything in it's place and little notes on things.....Then I look inside my Mama's......The first thing that jolts me, that didn't jolt me about the first one, is her name typed on a white strip right under the funeral home logo.  I've seen it everyday, but it seemed different to me for some reason..........
Then looking inside.  I see a folder with all of the resolutions, there were a lot of them.  Some that I know probably weren't read at the service because we would have been there forever.  Then the rough draft of the obituary blasted my vision.  Like a dagger straight to my eyes.....I see where I made notes for them to make sure they wrote everything correctly and put the pictures where they were supposed to go.  It made me think about those days.  The days leading up to the funeral service......
I really hated those days.  People dropping by unannounced, staying longer than I would like...TOUCHING ME!  I have always had an aversion to strangers or people other than family or close friends being in my personal space (sometimes I don't even want them that close).  Now, I had everyone coming in and hugging me, some even kissing my cheek (ugh).  My closest friends knew to stay away, they know how I am.  So they would just call or wait for me to call and I love them for that.
I really feel that funerals are more about other people than it is the family.  I can recall when my brother-in-law was killed having to tell my husband's friends to leave his mom's house because she was tired and it was 2am!! They were in the basement drinking (as people so often do during the days leading up to the funeral) and being loud and she didn't want to go to bed with a bunch of people in her house (understandable).   I felt the same way when everyone wanted to be at my house.  Bringing me food I didn't eat, telling me it would be alright (it still isn't), just sitting looking at me as I sat in the same spot on my couch in a daze still not believing what was happening.
At the funeral home, I remember telling them that everything would be done in one day.  I didn't want my children to have to go through that twice.  I think that is what a wake the previous day does.  I remember my when my uncle heard that there would be no all day visitation the day before.  He said that some people may not be able to make the funeral since it would be during the day.  I said, very monotone, because my voice was just very monotone at that time (I really didn't feel anything and it came out in my voice).  I just told him that I really didn't care who would or would not come.  I didn't want to see them anyway.  I told him that this day was for my children to lay their grandmother to rest.  I could care less who can make it or not.  As long as the four of us were there, everyone else....I mean EVERYONE ELSE, was irrelevant and not at all necessary.
The worst part about that whole day, as if it wasn't bad enough.  But the absolute worst part was at the gravesite.  That noise the crank that lowers the casket into the earth makes has got to be the most disturbing and heart wrenching sound I have ever heard in my life.  I hate it.  I knew I would hurt when I heard it because just over a year earlier, I hurt when I heard it lowering my aunt into the earth....I initially said I would leave before it happened, but I couldn't move, I couldn't leave her....I wish she hadn't left me......................

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Care More........

Being snowed in for two days has given me ample opportunity to catch up on lots of different things around the house and to sit still and think about things that are happening, have happened and will happen in my life.  I try very hard to look way ahead, but it feels like I can't get past the next few days.  I know what I want to happen later on down the line I think.  But, actually I just want to get through the next day.  I want to see the day where there aren't anymore tears.  I know I will hurt for the rest of my life, but if I can hurt and not cry so much I would really appreciate that. lbs
I've also come to a point where I'm being a little selfish.  Now, possibly I should feel guilty about this....I don't.  I think in some instances, other people are being selfish and not considering my feelings.
I love to be a person my friends and family can rely on.  I have readily accepted that as my roll in life.  I am a mother and "mothering" seems to come 2nd nature to me.  I really didn't think it would when I became a mother at 17.  I thought I was going to fail miserably and I remember feeling so sorry for this little boy who was stuck with me as a mom.  But, while I learned how to parent (through trial and MUCH error), I learned to CARE MORE.....
I care more for my children than I do for anyone else in the world.  There is not one thing I wouldn't do to make sure each one of them is safe.  My biggest fear yesterday when this storm started was that one of them would get hurt if they went out in it.  Thank God that wasn't the case.  I care more for them than my own life.  If I were told I would have to give them all 7 pounds of my vital organs, I would say, "Ok, fine.  Cut me up." No hesitation at all.
I care for my love as well.  I want to make sure he is ok, no pains or aches from working to hard.  No worries at work or anywhere else.  I would just love for him to have everything needed or desired to be the success that he wants to be in any of his endeavors.
I care for my friends.  I have only five close ones and these people are EXTREMELY important to me.  They care for me and my children.  They sincerely want what is best for me & those children.  I feel honored that most of the time I am the "go to" friend for support. Not advice, but support.....I'm not big on giving advice because I feel that in order to give sound advice, you have to be an expert.  And when it comes to matters of the heart among other things I'm definitely not an expert.  I just listen and offer a few questions to either clarify what I'm hearing or to get them to start thinking.
I also care for myself.  I have a lot of confidence in myself.  I know that I'm a good person.  I care for me because of the way I care for others.  Part of the person I am is rooted in the way I love others.
I've noticed that when I feel that I don't have that in return, it isn't because of them.  It's because of me.  I don't let them know that I still hurt a lot EVERY DAY.....that I get exhausted sometimes by some of the simplest things (like making my bed) and then I'll have energy enough to shovel snow.  Maybe if I would open my mouth and say what I need they would know.  Why do I assume they can read my mind?  The answer?  I don't like to burden people with my issues.  Mainly because I know the issues I have, they have no resolution for.  But, that's fine.  I wouldn't expect them to.  I just prefer to talk everything over with God and wait patiently or not so patiently,  for the resolution to come and/or the pain to subside, since I know it won't cease.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Do you wanna dance?..............

Part of my love for music is my love of dancing.  I feel really good gliding across a dance floor or just shaking a tail feather around the house.
My senior year of high school I was in a debutante ball (only cuz my Nana insisted)....The most exciting part to me was the dance with my Daddy.  We had practiced in my Nana's kitchen up until the day of the ball.  I was nervous, of course he was not.
We enjoyed that day so much as a family.  Then there was graduation and preparing for college. All of these milestones.  Captured in pictures.  Had I known then what I know now, I would have taken more pictures.. written down some of these stories, asked more questions.
As I sit here waiting out this Blizzard, I just think of the missed opportunities.  Times when we sat in the car, quiet...Not saying anything...While that is comfortable for me, I missed numerous opportunities to gather information.  To find out more about my Mama's side of my family.  I mean I know the basics.  I know who is who and how they're related.  I just don't know the info that goes back to slavery.  Something I would like to know.  Since my Daddy's family were never slaves (they immigrated in 1935 from Trinidad) I pretty much know that whole history.  But, I don't have a history from my Mama's side of who owned who and who married or had kids with who. (lbs)  Out of curiosity, mine and my children's, I would like to know all this information.  But, since she's gone, I probably never will.  She was always the one who shot straight from the hip and didn't sugar coat things (guess that's where i get it).  Everyone else left here is suspect and too busy trying to maintain an "image".  I would like to say though, that it is very likely that even though my great-grandfather was a Caucasian.  He was probably the only one. llamf!!!
I mean my great uncles married white women so their are white cousins....but as far as who sired my direct blood line, I think my it started and ended with him.  I only feel this way because even though I'm not very light or very dark, I think I'm blacker than most people in my ways of thinking. Add to that the fact that I am VERY leary of caucasians and don't really feel comfortable with them and there you have it. LBS.....
No matter who was what, who went with what family or what color they are I still would like to know what's what and who's who on that side of the family.....eventually I'm sure I will.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace