Annual...........

The new year is here....so what do I do next? Let's go with how I started it out....Here at home in my bedroom. I gave my baby girl a hug and a kiss and then fell on my knees to "talk" to God and to Mama...I asked God to help me through this struggle I'm in and to watch over my family, friends and me. I guess I ask the same things of Mama. But when I pray/meditate, I don't know if this differs from the way anyone else does it, but after I say a few words (& it usually is only a few) I just sit there quiet. I listen for what is going to come to me.....
Nothing really came to me last night but tears. I was there on my knees for quite some time just me and my tears. Can't say if they were happy or sad. I just know they were there. It wasn't a "cry" I don't think....I think of "crying" as that sobbing, heaving, bent over, holding your heart kind of thing that I know that all too well.  I didn't feel that wrenching pain in my heart like that.

I am really trying to adjust to annual events and rituals without her. I know she would've been cooking black eyed peas today (which I can take or leave)...I know what we would have had for Christmas dinner, Thanksgiving all of that....I also know on both of those holidays if we had eaten as late as we did when I cooked, she would've WENT OFF! LOL...She was VERY mean when she was hungry. :)

Every time something goes on, she is still the first person I want to tell...and I still tell her. Sometimes I feel like I can't sleep at night because she's waking me up to say things to me. Now that may sound weird or whatever. I don't know, don't care. I just know that many times throughout the night for the past, I don't even know how long. I can be asleep and my eyes will open straight out of my sleep and I'll lay there and just listen to my thoughts or what I think she's telling me. I don't know if I explained that right or not, I already said it was kind of weird, so if you don't understand what I'm saying just forget it because I'm moving on. lol

New Year's and my tears (hey, that rhymes...yes, I'm silly)...anyway, the two things don't bother me as much as other upcoming annual or new events. The annual events this past year were not quite as bad as the year before...but I still look to "new" events, like her baby granddaughter turning 16 in June...I don't know if she'll be having a "Sweet 16" because she wants a car and I am NOT DIDDY so she can't have both. Either or, I know if my Mama were here she would be right with me either planning the party or picking the car.
Then the one upcoming event that I know I am going to hate that she will miss is her oldest granddaughter's college graduation.....She wants a motorcycle...hmph, I am confident that the "No, I'm not buying that." Is the same thing her Gigi would say about that whole thing. But, I know she would be so proud of her. I can see her smile in my mind's eye now.
All I can say, as those tears come down right now is...."You were my best friend, never gonna see you again....& I miss you, I miss you girl." <3 Mama........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.