Intentions..........

At times even the best of intentions can be interpreted wrong.  I remember always going to my Mama asking her why this or that happened and why this or that person is mad when I only said this or that.  She would just look at me and say, "Raven, everybody don't think like you." 
I try hard to remember that when I speak.  But, I'm human and as we all do, I fall short.  I along with millions, maybe billions of other people can open mouth & insert foot.  The difference with me is, unlike those millions/billions I am willing to accept what I've done wrong and sincerely apologize for it.  Because, I have GOOD intentions.  Something not everyone has.
I am very proud of the fact that I have grown enough as a person to accept when I am wrong and to take steps to correct it.  I can recall a previous friendship circle where all we did was sit on the phone ALL DAY gossiping about others.  Now that I think back, if I'd spent that time WORKING  I'd be way rich with much more leave stored up. lol
Now, the gossiping (while not completely gone) is not as extreme a factor as it was back then...Now it's strictly for entertainment purposes only & not the malicious intent it was in my previous "sister circle".  I have tried to learn to be more careful & measured with my words.  Of course, that doesn't always work, but at least I do try.
Others I have noticed don't try so hard.  They really live for the times where they can cause others pain or heartache.  It is amusement to them.  Some people have nothing else to do or are so unhappy with their situation that the only solace they can find is by hurting others INTENTIONALLY.  A lot of times, it doesn't even matter if the person they are hurting is FAMILY.
Now let me preface this with, MY FAMILY ARE BY NO MEANS THE WALTON'S! There are a few family members that if they needed my kidney & one of my friends or even a stranger needed that same kidney...these particular family members would be left short.  But along with those few, there are SO many more that I would try to rip out my own kidney & hand it to them if they needed it....I never have to worry about these family members not having my back EVER...They may talk me to death & get on my nerves before they get on their posts behind me, but they WILL DO IT!  Again, like Mama said, "Not everybody thinks like me."  I couldn't imagine intentionally telling someone in the family that I LOVE something that would hurt them or their kids/family/relationship.  If I had any information to the opposite, TRUST  I would STFU before I let my lips part.  Now that doesn't mean I don't slip, because we all do.  There would never be a time when my family member I LOVE would have to make excuses for me or my actions.....
I don't understand how a family could HAVE & sit back and watch someone they love have not and still SLEEP AT NIGHT....Luckily with the family I am surrounded by a love that no matter how strained/stressful/angry I get, I will talk it out and make my intentions VERY clear.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Nothing Left to Say/A Lot Left to DO...

I have always been a fan of Mint Condition. Not only because I think Stokely Williams' voice is the bomb, or because they are an ACTUAL BAND (not a bunch of hype men or dancers who can sing a little bit)....I LOVE THEM BECAUSE THEY WRITE SONGS THAT HAVE VERY STRONG WORDS....

"Nothing Left to Say" has to be my ALL TIME favorite song by them. Not to say I don't love the others, but this is the one, if I had to chose a favorite I would pick.

It is no secret to people who know me that I love music...I've been surrounded by it my whole life. My father loved music as well. He was a vault librarian for CBS/Columbia records (now Sony) in downtown New York for over 20 years. He was responsible for cataloging master tapes, lyrics and music for reference later on or sampling for other artists/labels....One of the benefits of his job was that he was able to take home excess recordings that were just going to be destroyed. We had ALL KINDS of LPs, 45's, cassettes, 8 tracks & reel to reels in the house. He would play music all day long which was ok with me & mom because for one, I loved hearing the music and Mama didn't care as long as it didn't interrupt her reading or crosswords.

When I first heard Mint Condition while at a bar in Milwaukee around 1990, as soon as I got home I called my Daddy and asked if he could get me a cassette of their album (they were not signed to CBS but sometimes they could swap music with other libraries)...He got me that cassette & every time they came out with something new, he tried to make sure I got that one too.

When I first heard this song in 1996 from their "Definition of a Band" album, I WAS FLOORED...at the time I had just had my 2nd child with a man I met in college that I should've LEFT THERE. lol.....He was not the person I needed (other than to donate sperm) & it was clear that he didn't need/want me. He is actually the one that found this song on the cassette. He wasn't necessarily into music lyrics like me so he didn't realize what the words of the song were saying until I played it OVER & OVER & OVER again. lol...Then he was like, "AYE!!" LOL...Shortly after I found this song, I ended that toxic relationship & never looked back.

Now that I am led back to this song, it has a different meaning for me. The lyrics mean something completely different to me now. They aren't as FINAL as they were before and now that I re-evaluate them, they probably weren't as final then...I just wanted them to be.

When I listen now, it seems to be a song about getting back. DOING what you need to do to get there. Actions needed to put everything into perspective....When you listen to the way Stokely is delivering the lyrics it is not angry like so many of the female songs that give the "I'm leaving" or "to the left" message. It may not be necessarily getting back together, but getting back to who the people this song is about were...It sounds as if he's pleading that a resolution come....
That's what I'm doing. Pleading that a resolution come.............
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Giving Wings..............

Sometimes the best thing you can ever do for a person is let them go...A lot of time we hang on to love for many selfish reasons, not realizing that we're doing EVERYONE harm.  Sometimes a person is so secure in the love that you have for them that they will PUSH you to the end of you're rope & still say, "You're not gonna jump! You love me!"
True love, in my opinion will ALWAYS last..The love you have for your children, whether they are with you or apart is everlasting.  The love that you've had for a special person in your life who you thought was your "soulmate" will always hold you even when you're with another.  The love you have for your parents is the secure love, the love you know that no matter what, they may not LIKE IT, BUT THEY LOVE ME!!
To me, the HARDEST part of love is the point where you have to give the person who is not fully deserving or accepting of your love the wings to fly away and re-evaluate your role in their lives & vice versa.
It is never an easy task, because all involved will end up hurt...But, it is a "necessary" hurt.  The person you let fly will more often than not feel like you have turned your back, let them down and that you don't love them like you say you did.  However, you need to hold strong and hopefully help them to realize that TOUGH LOVE can build character when that character is lacking....In the words of my Daddy, George F. Hall, "Sometimes you have to let a puppy be a dog."  I was really small when I'd over hear him say that in "grown-folk" conversation over a game of pitty-pat or pokeno (always played for money, lol)...I would just look like, "Daddy's drunk, he has no idea what he's talking about."   Until recently, when I had to do it for myself...The first thing I said, when I made the decision I made was, "I gotta let that puppy be a dog." As if Daddy was speaking it into my ear telling me what I need to do....It is one of the HARDEST things I may ever have to do as a wife, mother, aunt, friend, cousin....But the outcome I know will be it's own reward.
I thank & appreciate all who will read....Peace

The Littlest One.............

I started not to write today...I don't like to write through pain & tears, which is what I'm feeling right now.  I am not at all a perfect person.  I have faults and I accept them.  I know I can be sort tempered, moody, sarcastic & mean sometimes.  I'm not proud of any of that.  What I am proud of is that along with that I am loving, caring, strong and kind most of the time.
It may take me a while to find my faults, but once they are validly brought to my attention, it is NOTHING for me to say something like, "I see, or you're right." I wish that was something I had passed along to my children, but it doesn't look that way. :(
I'm not going to elaborate on that, I'm just going to focus on the LITTLEST ONE.  The youngest one, the one who is most like my Mama in the way she cares about me.  It's funny because she & my Mama usually bumped heads & my Mama would fuss at her a lot because she thought she was lazy & spoiled but my Mama did love her and in her own way she was trying to make her better.  Which I think she did.  The littlest one, Dylan, still may sleep until noon or 1pm on a Saturday and she may be moody & mean at times. But all of that (sans the wake up time) is my Mama. And what she'll do when she does get moving is make sure she's done her part to make sure our home is clean and organized. I can't remember the last time I had to tell her to do dishes.  I can just cook, go sit down & know that eventually she will clean the kitchen AND clean it well.  I know that all I have to do is separate the clothes in the laundry room and she will wash, dry & fold.
Only sometimes will she ask for assistance, which I tease her about then do anyway.
The littlest one, is mature WELL beyond her years.  To speak with her, you wouldn't think she was only 15.  She has a compassionate outlook on things.  Especially when they pertain to me.  Maybe because she's the one who's here and sees the tears dried up on my face in the morning or me staying in bed all day or me dragging around the house not having energy to do anything but move to another chair to sit.  She can be very self absorbed at times wanting things her way by any means (I guess that's the part of me in her), but when she steps back and thinks about a situation where she may have stressed me or been disrespectful she will come back and apologize or if it's something we BOTH did we will talk it out together & get past it.
I can tell the littlest one needs me to be here and needs me to get better.  That's what I say to myself every day/night when I meditate.  I have always had a plan B for her in case something does happen while she's still young, but I'm going to stick with plan C to make sure I get better to be around for her the way she's around for me.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Macaroni & Cheese

With the holiday fast approaching and people eagerly anticipating the food, folks and fun.  Here I sit eagerly hoping it will hurry up and pass.  Christmas too....I just want the "season" to end.  Not being a scrooge, I am just not in the mood. Last year I went through the motions because I wanted a sense normalcy for the kids.  I don't feel like doing that dance this year. 
The children will be on an adventure together.  A road trip to DC.  I will be here and I may just want to sit here with the dogs and listen to music.  Who knows.  I don't want pity or sympathy because my plans for this holiday aren't making me sad.  I am really excited about it.  I don't have to cook if I don't want to and I don't have to go anywhere if I don't want to.  It will be a ME day....and I'm good with that. 
I was so stressed last year, when I had to cook the entire dinner myself for the first time.  Everything but the turkey, Tommy did that.  All the greens, sweet potatoes, sweet potato pies, crab legs and the macaroni & cheese.....the macaroni & cheese....
My Mama made the absolute BEST MACARONI & CHEESE I've ever had in my life!!! She would always make me a large pan because she knew that I could eat her macaroni & cheese as a meal.  I attempted to make her macaroni & cheese and FAILED MISERABLY....My feelings were so hurt.  I knew when I pulled it out of the oven it wasn't right.  I was so mad at myself because I had never asked her how to make it or never even watched her make it.  I just always assumed she would be around to make it for me, but she's not. And since that faulty attempt at macaroni & cheese on Thanksgiving Day, 2009..three weeks to the day she left me.  I haven't eaten macaroni & cheese AT ALL!!! I never did eat anyone elses and now that she's not here to make hers, I'll pass on it altogether.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

FINALLY....One good day

Today was the day.  Sleep still didn't come in the night. But, I didn't drag in the morning.  I had to be somewhere to help someone/someones other than myself.  I didn't really HAVE to go, there were plenty of people to help.  But, I NEEDED to go.  I needed to help someone else who was going through a hard time.  Yes, circumstances are different....they may not have lost a MAJOR part of their family/love/life/existence...but, they still don't HAVE...I have, I can afford to buy myself a turkey. But, I won't. I can buy all the fixings and ingredients, but I decline that as well.
I can not tell you the last time I had one COMPLETELY GOOD DAY...Oh, I've FAKED a lot of them for the sake of my babies, but there was ALWAYS some part of the day when the tears flowed, my stomach ached, and my head hurt.  I laugh & joke & make smart ass comments, but in the blink of an eye I can remember something and die all over again inside. :(
Today, as I helped pass out food to needy people in project housing I felt GOOD!!! I even felt better that my 15 year old daughter was right out there with me GIVING AND ENJOYING GIVING.  I've also had an opportunity to reconnect with people.  People who have played significant roles in my persona.  People who taught ME how to be ME.
That may sound weird that someone else taught me how to be me.  But if you think about it, every learning experience you may have will foster your development into the person you will eventually become.  If you're not "learning", you're not "living".  Even and especially the trials you go through can become a message in maturity.  I so enjoyed giving back to the community today...I can't wait to do it again.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Erykah Badu - Out Of My Mind Just In Time

"I'm a recovering undercover over-lover. Recovering from a love I can't get over....." I listen to this song almost EVERYDAY....I LOVE Erykah Badu, she's a Pisces, like me. She was in love with Andre Benjamin, like me, lol. She seems to adore her children, like me (she even has 2 girls and a boy like me)...Her spirit speaks to me through her song. All the different songs she has speak to me in different ways.
When I first heard this track I was mesmerized by the first bars. She sounds like Dinah Washington to me (another singer I love). But, also because of the WORDS she put together. "I'm a recovering undercover over-lover"...That's DEFINITELY where I am....I am an "over-lover" and that's okay. SOMETIMES!
I "over-love" my children and that is DEFINITELY okay. They need to know that I would move HEAVEN AND EARTH for them. If they're ever at a point when they feel no one loves them (we all get there sometimes), they can ALWAYS say, "My Ma loves me!"....and I can say that as well about my Mama. Like I've said before, just because she isn't "physically" here with me (oh, how I wish she was) her LOVE is and I STILL FEEL IT. :)
In other instances when I "over-love" it is only to the recipient of that love's advantage. I've noticed that more and more lately. I have people in my life that I don't tell things to not because I don't want them to know, but because it seems to always be about them when I speak. I can say I'm having this problem and then I'll hear, "I know what you mean cuz I had...blah, blah, blah". Now, I would tell my children that someone like that is NOT their friend, but I don't feel that way myself. I think that they just don't know HOW not to make everything about them. And instead of saying, "Ummm, would you SHUT UP and listen to what I'm trying to tell you?!?!" I just shut down and don't let my feelings out. That is another "only child thing". :)
I realized just recently that I am giving TOO MUCH of me right now and NOT receiving enough in return. THAT IS SOOOOO ABOUT TO CHANGE!!! Stay tuned.....
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Emerald Studs....

I briefly mentioned my emerald stud earrings yesterday when speaking of my trip to the cemetery.  I wanted to come back and talk about the change in myself I noticed when I couldn't find them that morning.....
Having lost two such classy and fashionable ladies in my life, my Aunt Tommie first and then my Mama, left me with quite a bit of things (housewares, clothing, jewelry etc.) The one thing neither of them had was emerald earrings.  I wanted some really bad because they were my Mama's birthstone and I wanted to wear something every day that reminded me of her.  The initial plan was to get two more piercing to accommodate them, but I've been chicken so far. lol
I had taken them out one day to wear some hoops or something and put them in one of my 3 jewelry boxes.  When I went to look for them in the jewelry boxes in the closet, I couldn't find them.  I didn't panic.  I then checked the jewelry box in my bathroom.  I found one.  I went through all the studs in that drawer because I just knew if one was there the other had to be too.  But, I didn't find it.....I said to myself, "oh well".   I figured I'd just put the one stud in the second hole in my right ear and wear my silver hoops....Then I began trying to take the diamond stud that was in my second hole off...It wouldn't UNSCREW!!! I kept trying and trying then I started to pull it (knowing the reason I got screwbacks was so they didn't come off easily).
If you know anything about me, you'll know at times I can become REALLY impatient....ESPECIALLY when I feel that things aren't going my way (that only child thing).  The funny thing about this day was I had already planned the day before (maybe days before) what I was going to wear when I went to "see" Mama...even down to the earrings.  So "normally" I would've been THROWING A FIT when I couldn't find that one stud...But, I didn't...Then I would've thrown another fit when I couldn't get my earring unscrewed...But, I didn't.
As I was standing in my closet with my hand on my hip trying to figure out my next move, something told me to go BACK into the bathroom and look in the other drawers of my jewelry box....Well, lo and behold, as soon as I opened the 2nd drawer...THERE WAS THE 2ND EMERALD STUD. :)
I just looked toward the sky and said, "Thanks Ma." <3.  Still looking out for her baby :).
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

"The Rosebuds Know to Bloom in Early May."

"As around the Sun the Earth knows she's revolving....and the rosebuds know to bloom in early May..." I had planned to dance with my Mama at my wedding to this song. I got married in 2002, my Daddy was in a nursing home so there was no "father/daughter" dance so I asked the DJ to play "As" for my dance with my Mama.....Well, that day got so crazy and hectic we BARELY got the couple's first dance out of the way and somehow or another it slipped my mind to do it. :(
I look back and wish we had done that dance. Whenever I hear this song I think about her. Silly right? Other people think about their Moms when they hear "Sadie", "A Song for Mama" or even "Dear Mama". But each verse in this song reminds me of the LOVE my Mama and I HAVE. I say have because it is still with me. It will never leave! ALWAYS!!!
Today, my friend Arletta came to pick me up to take me with her to the cemetery that both our moms are in. I had not been there since November 12, 2009 when we laid her to rest. I kind of didn't want to go back. I have always been the one to say that I don't want to go to the cemetery every Memorial Day and clean off plots. I found out today the grounds keepers do that anyway if you give them notice that you want it done. I was nervous and anxious the entire morning. Even as I ran errands before Arletta got to my house. I decided I would wear her favorite color (Green) and my emerald studs (her birthstone)....at her funeral I wore my green sweater dress that she thought was so "cute" (she smiled at me so nice the first time she saw me wear it)...None of us wore black, she wouldn't have liked that.
I saw the plot. Still looking as if they had just laid the dirt over it. There were a few weeds and rocks and trash on it. The "neat freak" in me immediately went to take the trash off. One of the rocks sitting on the dirt was BRIGHT white. I picked that up and put it in my pocket. I'll keep it, just because I want to. I cried and cried because I want her SO MUCH....again with my selfishness. That's all I have for now.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Off to see the Wiz............

I never knew that there was anything "special" or "different" about today.  There is really nothing notable about the month of November in our family outside of my Aunt Cookie's birthday-Nov. 19th, Mrs. Jennings' birthday-Nov. 21 (Des' Grandmother) and Thanksgiving.
Last night I was looking through things.  My mother's number sheets and books trying to figure out her "system" (she was pretty lucky) and I saw the lists of books she has read.  My mother has written down the titles and authors of each book she has read!! And if you knew my Mama, she STAYED at the library checking out books.  Some kind of way she would read more than one book at a time (she had loads of bookmarks as well).
But, I digress.  This date isn't even about her.  Even though we laid her to rest one year ago yesterday.  I found a PlayBill from when my Daddy took me to see "The Wiz"!!!  One of our BEST "Daddy/Rae Dates".  I didn't even remember he called them that.  She had written that on the cover with the date----November 13, 1977!!!  Thirty-three years ago today!
It was doubly exciting because Stephanie Mills was playing Dorothy and we had seats so close I felt I could see her looking at me.  I was only 9 years old, but that date I will NEVER forget.  I've forgotten some before and even after.  But, not that one.  He helped me get into my long pink and white dress with the matching shawl and he let me "pretend" like I was helping him tie his bow tie (he always wore bow ties <3)
My Daddy, George Fitzgerald Hall (don't know why he's not a II or Junior cuz his dad's name was the same), was just SO MUCH FUN!!! My Mama always seemed to smile wider when he was around.  I know I did.  I really don't see too much of me in him, I think I look a lot like my Mama (at least that's wishful thinking).  I do see a LOT of him in my son, who looks like me.  So, go figure. LOL....When my Mama decided to leave my Dad I think I knew it was coming.  They sat me down and said that they were splitting up and Mama and I would be going to Gary to live with my Nana.  When they asked my 11 year-old self if I had any questions, the only thing I could think to ask was, "So, Daddy.  How many times are you gonna send for me or come see me?"  He said, "As often as you want me to Baby."  I LOVED THE WAY HE CALLED ME BABY :)! It made me smile ear to ear when he'd call and say, "Hello Baby"...I can still hear it in the back of my mind sometimes.  I was satisfied with their explanations and went back to my room as if they had just told me they were going to buy a couch. *shrug*
My Daddy kept his promise.  I was on a plane alone (back then it was ok for kids to travel alone) or he was headed here for a holiday, special event or best of all my high school graduation and debutante ball.  I remember our dance was the Lindy Hop. 
If there was a "Wiz" to see today I would ask him/her/it to give me STRENGTH because that seems to be what I'm lacking most these days. *kanye shrug*
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Cryin' Everyone's Tears

"I'm cryin' everyone's tears...I have already paid for all my future sins..." This is how I felt a year ago today. I cried so much my tear ducts burned with every tear....Now, sitting here today as I think about that day that I have had nightmares about almost every day since. I'm a little numb.

I honestly think she would be so angry with me right now. I can feel her frowning at me sometimes. She has said to me so many times on different occasions, "You are a prize. You don't have to go through anything you don't want to." Now I sit here and think, "Do I 'want' to go through this. Is that what's going on with me?"

Sometimes, when I think about how things played out after she left me. I think I was "short changed" in the comfort department (cryin' everyone's tears). When I look back at everything, I was only supposed to be here for my children. If Desmond, Devin or Dylan didn't need me then that was time for ME. Instead that time went elsewhere. I am strong, I've always had to be strong. I am independent, I learned from my Mama how to do that. But, most of all I am human. People tend to see my strength and courage as a crutch for THEM. How does that work?!?!? Who will let me lean on them? I know my kids will, but that is NOT their responsibility. SHEEESH!

I talk to Mama EVERY NIGHT. And I promise you Mama, I HEAR WHAT YOU ARE TELLING ME. I have the information, I just have to follow through with it and that is the HARDEST part without you here to assist.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Sigh........

Sighing is about all I can do.  Tired of crying, no energy to yell.  So I just sigh and sleep, sleep and sigh.  There has to be a way, I just haven't figured it out yet.  Things were so easy when she was here.  She would just listen and give me a "look" or she would tell me what I should do.
I guess that was another way she spoiled me.  Figuring things out for me.  Now I have to do that myself.  I have to be careful though because I have eyes watching me.  My children, who aren't really children, will learn from whatever I do.  Either they will learn what to do, or what not to do.  Pretty much the same as I did with my Mama.  But for them it's different, two of them are adults.  Doing their own thing making their own mistakes and triumphs.  My son, who I thought used to resent me as a child, called me yesterday for an ear.  Not really advice, just an ear.  I was so glad he did that.  He made my day.  I know he's going through grown man stuff and I can't take away all of his pain but I'm here to help and just listen, no judging.
I really am not sure of my next steps in life and that bothers me because I'm not a twenty year old anymore.  But, I believe I am really sure of how to get to that next step.  It's going to be difficult I know, but life really is never easy.  "No guts. No glory."
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

The Sign..........

This is what I saw the morning of November 5, 2009 leaving her house to go to the hospital again.  A lily in FULL BLOOM in November!  I looked at the same lilies this morning, nothing.
 I'm not particularly a superstitious person, but I do sort of believe in signs.  That day I  mistook this for a sign that she was getting better.  Mainly because it wasn't the first sign.  I spoke about the sign that the ICU charge nurse's name was Thomasina (my aunt's name and not a common one...especially for Caucasians).  Then another sign was she had a PM nurse named Ann.  This was the best sign to me.  As cold as it was, one of her lilies had bloomed.
If I hadn't been so one-sided in my thinking, I may have considered that this was God's way of telling me 3 TIMES that I needed to tell her goodbye, but I COULDN'T.  I held on to every hope and dream that would leave her here with me.  Then I even thought, if she has to go I want to go with her.  That was the most selfish of my thoughts.  Selfish because then my children/her children would suffer more.
I don't know if I still believe in signs, good or bad.  I felt so let down after this sign "failed" me.  But, I do know I believe in ME and I believe in the LOVE she had for me and that's the only "sign" I need.
I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

The Sweetest Days

Vanessa is beautiful, but not half as beautiful as my Mama. I am proud to say if you asked me too I could close my eyes and describe her better than any photo could.
The little gleam in her chestnut brown eyes when she smiled. The cheekbones that damn near reached her forehead (I guess she passed those on to me). The three holes she had in each ear. How the first ones were just open slits because as a baby I would tug at her big '70's earrings and I split each ear on a different occasion. The little ball on her nose (another thing I too have). Those dark brown eyelashes and brows, and not to forget or diminish one of my FAVORITE things about her. That GORGEOUS salt & pepper hair.
Now, if you knew her when she was younger, you would know that my Mama had always kept her hair red (Ms. Clairol Auburn), I loved that color too. She dyed it once a month herself and would even dye her brows. She really only went to the salon when she didn't feel like doing her own hair or needed a haircut. Pretty much the same way I am now, even with locks. She would pin curl her hair every night which amazed me. Just using regular bobby pins sectioning and twisting each lock very close to her head. When she would take it down she would have the BEST looking full curls.
Since the day she left me I have been trying to remember the things that we've done. My first breakdown was when I thought I couldn't remember anything. I felt like I had forgotten her. It turned out to be just a brain freeze. But, I do still try to remember day to day what we did one year to a certain day. I'd always known we did something since we spent 99.9% of the time together. Either I was just coming to sit with her or take her someplace or we were on the phone. I remember how she would be mean as a snake when she was hungry. LOL
I just HATE remembering these days one year ago. They weren't the "sweetest days". They were so discouraging, confusing and stressful. I still wonder if I made the right decisions. The one thing I remember telling one nurse who called in the middle of the night to ask my permission to give her blood, "Do EVERYTHING you have to do to save her and make her feel better." The nurse told me, "I will do everything I can. You get some rest, I was told you didn't leave here until 1am." I knew she had told me her name before we started talking, but I didn't remember so I asked what it was again. She said, "Thomasina". I was FLOORED. Because Thomasina is not a "common" name and was my Mama's sister's name. Her sister who was her best friend and who had just passed away over a year before my Mama. I saw that as a sign that Aunt Tommie's angel was looking over my Mama and I was able to go right back to sleep.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.