Gone Too Soon...............

"Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight...here one day, gone one night...."

When I think about losing my parents, which I think about A LOT....I think I'm too young to not have either one of them and it's not fair. I can ALMOST accept my Daddy not being with me. He was almost 40 when I was born. I say I can "almost" accept it because I still look at people that I see who are in their 80's (like my father would have been) and think about what he would have been like had he been that age. That's when reality hits.....He may well have still been in a nursing home. Not able to do a lot of things for himself. In a wheelchair, on oxygen....unhappy.

It broke my heart to see him or speak with him on the phone because I could feel the sadness. When you love someone...well, when I love someone....it is nothing for me to feel what they feel even from the sound of their voice or the aura that they give me when I'm with them. I can feel their happiness, their anger AND their sadness. I know my Daddy didn't want to be there, but I wanted him to be here for me.

With my Mama, it is really still surreal. I just thought she would be here much longer. At least long enough to see me as a senior citizen with my own grandchildren, her great-grandchildren. Long enough for us to be getting AARP magazines and senior citizens discounts together. She was only 67. She didn't look her age at all. People were always surprised to know that she was in her late sixties. She looked to be in her fifties at the most. I feel cheated because I had no time to prepare for anything. It all happened too fast.....I feel like I blinked and she was gone....gone too soon.

I really don't like when people ask what happened. I know it's human nature to be curious and sometimes they are being harmless. I just hate to tell the story. Sometimes I will go ahead and go through the short version.....She wasn't feeling well, one Thursday night after I got off work I took her to the ER, the next Thursday she was gone. Considerate people will note how succinct I'm being and leave it at that. Clueless, nosy or maybe just rude people will continue with their questions. The most common is, "Was she sick?" Well, she had to be sick to leave me, but I know they mean did she have a lingering illness. To that the answer is, No. She had moved here with me in 2001 (September 11th no less) and had not been in the hospital or really sick one day in those 8 years she was here before she left. Then I get what I think is the rudest question, "What did she die of?".....Well, first if you notice, I try very hard not to use the words "die", "death", "dead" or "dying".....Each of those words just pierce through my heart (even when I just typed them)....I always say she "left" me, because I feel "left" behind. So when someone says those words referring to her or my Daddy, I instantly take offense (it may not be right, but I do). But, when someone just straight out asks that, I get kind of mad. Because I'm wondering, why they need to know this? If I wanted you to know I would have said what the diagnosis was as I explained to you that she left. I don't understand that question because if I've already told you that she left me while in the hospital for just a week you already know that she was sick. Knowing her diagnosis would help you in what way? Well, like she would always tell me, everyone doesn't think like me.

I don't ask a lot of questions. I feel if someone wants me to know something, they will tell me. Without me giving them 20 questions. When I do ask questions it is more than likely just for clarification so I can get an understanding more than just being nosy. Sometimes I'm told that I don't ask enough questions (usually from one of my nosy friends, lol). But I always believe that before you ask a question you need to know WHY you're asking and whether or not your question is APPROPRIATE. Sometimes some things are just none of my business and I understand, accept it and move on. If I'm having a conversation and I think my question may be too personal I will let the person know that it is quite alright with me if they say it's none of my business and I won't be mad at all. lol

But, sometimes I do have a few questions. Those questions I ask of God....Why did my Daddy have to be so unhappy in his last days? Why did my Mama have to leave so soon and so all of the sudden? Why am I left here feeling orphaned at my age?...............................

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.