Fatigue

I really thought I had gotten over this.  At one point last summer I would spend ALL DAY in bed, only getting up to use the rest room.  Not even to eat.  That was when the weight loss happened.  I have always had a "smaller frame", but now I weigh less than I did when I was in my twenties.
My appetite is back (ate like half a cheesecake today, lol), but all the other signs are still the same.  I sleep, then I don't sleep....When I wake from my sleep I'm still tired.  Tired to the point where I can barely keep my eyes open. Actually, I'm trying to force my eyes open to write this now....
I thought the rough patch was over.  I'm doing everything they told me to do, so why aren't I getting better? Why isn't this any easier? I guess to get that answer  I must follow my own words to a friend, I said that "the pain never stops if you ever loved..."  and I know I LOVED....My Mama was my GIRL!!!  So, the pain is still there and it is OVERWHELMING to say the least....
So, to deal with it, I go to bed.  I LOVE my bed, it is so comfy and FULL OF PILLOWS like I like it so that makes it that much easier to just stay there all day.  I have to make myself do things I know I need to do.  I need to write things down to make sure they get done (I think I had to do that anyway though).....
I'm not really someone who likes to talk on the phone all the time.  I don't really call someone just to chat.  If I call I have something to say or ask and after I've done that, I'm really ready to hang up.  I understand people wanting to contact me or me to call them so they know I'm alright, but I would prefer that they ask me to call them if I'm NOT alright.  I still may not do it , but the likely-hood of me making a phone call to talk about how I feel, how I hurt, how I can't sleep, how irritable I get, how anxious I get, is really slim to none.  I mean seriously, I'm PAYING someone to listen to me talk about that stuff and sometimes when I sit there I DON'T TALK.
 I know if I don't call my Nana, if I don't call my Aunt Shirley, if I don't call Pat, if I don't call so and so...they will call me and have that pity in their voice that just goes through me like a chill and say something like, "I was just checking on you."  Well, actually the only one that WON'T say anything like that is my Aunt Shirley.  She's my Daddy's little sister (the last sibling living), I think she actually does understand because she just calls to talk about me and the kids...but, even sometimes I don't want to do that. I also can't stand the pressure of someone saying what I "need" to do.  You need to go out, you need to be with someone for the New Year, you need to have fun....How about I decide what I "need"? I'm going to be "ringing in" year number two without her and I don't want to do anything  special accept lay in my comfy bed and sleep until the next day comes.  It's not that we used to spend New Year's together all the time (although she was one of my first midnight calls), it's just that I'm here to see another year, another milestone for her grandchildren, another year of whatever may come.  I just wish she was here to see it with me. Yes, I'm being selfish again :)...........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

At Arms Length....

I look at the way people are with me and just wonder, "Do you really know/care what I'm going through?"  I think because I don't walk around crying and I do laugh (a lot) at times, they think it's ok to selfishly try to take over my space/feelings. 
I have always been the kind of person who does not like random people touching me.  My favorite thing to do is put my arm straight out in front of me before someone approaches.  Then I find a spot on the floor that  I know when they hit it, they're too close to me.  I really need my three feet of personal space and my BIGGEST pet peeve is to be in line with someone who stands to close.  I just don't like being touched by strangers.   Sometimes I don't want to be touched by people I know.  I really have to prepare myself when I go to parties, events, weddings, etc for the people who are going to "hug hello".  The only people I don't mind touching ALL THE TIME are my children.  That's one thing that bothers me about going to church.  The fellowship time when everyone hugs.  You always find that ONE LADY who hugs too long or lets you go JUST enough to look you in your face and  talk to you for what seems like hours about nothing.
I am also not one to ask for help.  If I EVER ask you for something you can best believe I REALLY NEED IT.  The one person I ALWAYS went to for help is gone, so I'm helping myself....I don't like to ask people to even do the simplest of things for me for I guess "fear" of them saying "no" and then I'll be pissed.  I know that "no" never hurt anyone, but I STILL don't like to hear it. LOL
My problem with not wanting to hear "no", I also don't like to say it.  I try hard, maybe too hard to appease others in my life.  Most of the time to my detriment.  Sometimes I know that they don't mean to "put me out"  but I think even if they were to realize that they were putting strain on me, they would still ask.  In fact I know they would.  That's one reason I find it hard to believe that people think I am "mean" as they say.  If I was that mean they wouldn't ask me for anything, right? 
I also feel I am a "gracious" helper.  Meaning, I really don't like to ask someone to do something for me and they sigh, smack their lips or give me conditions on why they will do it and why they think I need their help.  So that's not how I operate.  If I can do something for you, you will have it done and never have me hold it over your head.  If I love you and you need something that I can give (unless it's something illegal, lol) I am going to try my hardest to make sure you have it. No conditions or I told you so's....I can not tell you how irritating to me it is to hear, "I'll do it this one time, but...."   Dude, how about you GTFOH?  I'll take care of it myself.
I don't ask a lot of people, but when I do ask you for something it is because I need it.  Not to just see if you will give it to me.  I assume that most people don't want to go around asking people for help, but there may be some. But to them I just give them a *side-eye* and keep it moving.  I am really at the point where I know who I am and who I can count on and I am SO good with that.....

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

New Year's Cleaning.........

I am so sure that a lot of people know about making sure that your home is clean for the new year.  We all wash clothes, clean out the fridge, closet, drawers and so on....
I've said before that my Mama taught me how to clean.  She is the reason I make my bed every morning, the reason I won't eat "community food" or food from a kitchen I've seen is dirty and the reason I will almost burst my bladder before I use a public restroom. :)
The only thing that I can remember that my Mama used to do that I don't is iron.  I REALLY don't like to iron.  Sometimes I will re-think my outfit if I find what I want to wear needs ironing.  I have even taken clean clothes to the cleaners JUST to have them ironed.  That is how serious I am about NOT ironing.
So, tonight I will start my New Year's Cleaning.  I don't really have a lot I need to do.  The house has been pretty clean for a little over a month now (#insider, lol).  But, as I often do, I will find something that isn't quite clean enough.  I already know I will shampoo the carpets AGAIN because we have dogs.  I will wash the few clothes that are in the hamper.  I will re-re-organize my closet by color and style.  Make sure my shoes are in the right shoe boxes.  Purge papers I don't need anymore and actually PUT THEM IN THE FILE CABINET.  Steam clean my floors, give the dogs a bath and shampoo my hair.
My Mama would have made black eyed peas, which I "sort of" like.  But I'm the only one who likes them and "sort of" liking something doesn't mean I want to make a whole pot for myself.  So I may forget that.
The only part of the whole clean up that I dread is going through the papers.  I can never really get my focus back once I've gone through papers that have her name on it.  Something she has written.  A picture of her that I may have forgotten about (because I've seen them all), a card I may have given her or even a card she may have given me.
She had the NICEST penmanship.  Her letters just seemed to flow onto the page.  My Daddy had nice handwriting as well, so I don't know why I write like I only have a hook instead of a hand. lol....I really think I get my writing "gift" ,if that's what you call it , from her.  When she still lived in Milwaukee she would write me letters to save on long distance costs.  I still have many of them.  Then when she left me, Devin went frantically through the house looking for a journal that she had asked her to write for her.  When she finally found it and we read it together.  There was one page that was a written apology to me.  My Mama was not a perfect person, none of us are.  Any of you reading that think you are perfect or are prone to judge or gossip, you may stop reading RIGHT HERE.......
When she first broke up with my Daddy she would drink a lot.  I don't know if that was her way of coping with her heartbreak (because I know my Daddy did break her heart) or if I just noticed it more because it was just me and her and Daddy wasn't there .  It's funny to me because I never would have called her an "alcoholic" because she would only drink from Friday night to Sunday....she was off on the weekends.  So yes, there were some Mondays that I had to help her get ready for work because she may have drank too much on Sunday.  But, for me it was just what I had to do because I loved her and real talk, she had to work because we had to eat! LOL
When I read the passage in her journal that spoke about how bad she felt about putting all that responsibility on me my eyes filled up and all I could say was, "Mama, I wasn't NEVER mad at you about that."  Because, I wasn't.  Maybe I should have been, but honestly, I looked at it like that was what I was SUPPOSED to do.  She needed me, so I was supposed to be there for her.  I believe that that is the reason I am the person I am now.  Why I am a nurturer and why I am so strong (even when I don't have to be).  Not because my mother was "weak", but because she was dealing with something and she needed me.  Wait, no, we needed EACH OTHER....

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

What's Next????

Well, I made it through the dreaded holidays. It was just as hard as I thought it would be. More tears and my heart hurt a lot, but unfortunately some unwarranted drama threw some anger into my emotional mix.
Now, here comes the next hurdle to get over. I really don't care too much about the New Year since it's not a particularly family-oriented holiday I don't really get sad except for the fact another year comes in without either of them. Christmas is more hard to deal with because of Mama than Daddy. I didn't really spend a lot of Christmases with Daddy after we left Queens so I'm used to him not being there, I only miss calling him like I did each Christmas. Now the next hurdle is January 4th....my Daddy's birthday. He will have been 81 years old. :) He never had a birthday after I could speak that I didn't tell him Happy Birthday Daddy.
I've spoken of how my Daddy loved music, he used to sing this song A LOT....Actually I don't think he knew all of the words because he would just sing the one verse...."Can you imagine, how much I love you? The more I see you as years go by. I know the only one for me can only be you. My arms won't free you. My heart won't try." Or maybe he DID know all the words and just picked that verse because it was so general it could apply to anyone, not just the woman this song was about.
Daddy's last birthday, which was spent in Amsterdam House (the extended care facility), I think/hope was special to him. Geri, his girlfriend, is the Aunt of Sister Sledge. She asked them to come and do a performance at the nursing home for him. I love Debbie, Joni, Kim and Kathi because they were crazy about Daddy too (I'd like to think everyone was). They dropped whatever they may have been doing (Debbie is always the busiest one) and came to do the benefit. No questions asked, no payment necessary. Now, since I had just gotten back from spending a week up there Joni and Kim offered to fly me back for the show, but I couldn't take more time off work so they video taped it for me. I still have the tape, haven't watched it in a LONG time because it makes me cry like a fool....
At the end of the tape Kim starts singing this song and my Daddy comes in just in time to sing his oh so familiar verse and then I hear Geri in the background saying, "Say something to Raven. This is for her, say something to Raven." So he looks into the camera and says, "Hello Baby. I love you." You can only imagine how I reacted the first time I saw it and how I react each time after.....
I think about watching the video every year on his birthday, but then I chicken out. Don't know if I will this year either.....I will let you all know in about eight days. ;)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Stubborn or Strong?

I am well aware that often times I can be stubborn.  I know I'm not perfect and there are things about me that I need to work on and my stubbornness is one of those things.  But, I am working on it everyday because I am a work in progress....
I have said before that I sometimes "over-think" things.  I do this as a safety mechanism to protect myself.  To make sure I don't get hurt.  More often than not this method does not work and I get hurt anyway.  So shouldn't it be evident to me that I need to "re-think" that as well? *sigh*....So much I need to work on, so little time. lol
I sit here today unable to sleep because of my over-thoughts.....wondering if the situations that came to me over this weekend were handled correctly.....
I think about the first thing that happened Christmas Eve.  When someone contacted me to approach me about something that was COMPLETELY NOT HER BUSINESS.  I tried to handle it one way and she obviously mistook my calmness for weakness so I had to handle it the other, "bitch you better move around" way....She wasn't happy about that approach, but if you continue to taunt a resting lioness she WILL get up and CLAW YOU!!!  I don't think I handled that initially the way I should have because when the conversation started I should have just straight told her to mind her business, but I was trying to be nice until she kept pushing and pushing (some people never know how to quit when they're ahead) .  So while she kept pushing the door it opened and  she fell RIGHT IN!! So I feel I handled the situation correctly then and was being STRONG not stubborn.  Because in this instance there is nothing I need to do to redeem myself since I wasn't at fault, so I'm not being STUBBORN.....
Now, the next issue....a complete misunderstanding...something I again had no fault in. Now, you may say, "Damn Rae, you sure.  You can't always be right."  Not saying I'm always right. I just know that in this instance there was nothing I could have done to prevent what happened because I had no knowledge of it before hand.  In this instance, there is a matter of heart.....So I may be being STUBBORN not STRONG because I don't want to be hurt anymore than I already am.  Maybe I need to be the one to reach out and find out exactly what will better this situation.  But, something is telling me that I've done enough.  Something is telling me that there is nothing more left to say.  Something is telling me to just let it go....I REALLY don't want to do that!! Maybe the fact that it bothers me so much I haven't rested or that my heart feels like someone is SQUEEZING IT with their bare hands means that I'm being STUBBORN not STRONG....I may be letting pride stand up when I should be telling pride to go sit it's tail down somewhere.  I don't know, not sure, just know I wish things weren't where they are now.........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Two Down, Forever to go.....

Christmas number two....it's over, I did it. Again...
This Christmas is even more different than the first without her because drastic, but necessary changes have been made.  It's even more different, but still hurts A LOT.  Actually though, I only cried once.  Big improvement from last year when it seem like everytime I took a step, I cried a river.  We got through the blessing of the food (Desmond did a good job) and I held it together when last year I had to leave the table.  I looked at the food (which seems like it took me ALL DAY to prepare) and I know every single thing I cooked she would have liked.  From the lasagna (which I said earlier she loved) down to the biscuits.
I kind of kept watching my youngest as she ate, she is the one of my children that looks most like my mother to me.  She eats the most like her too.  I look at my life now and wonder what my Mama would tell me now.  What would we talk about over the dinner table.  I know what she would have said about yesterday's events.  She would have said, "You let that go to long."  Because a lot of times to avoid a big "thing" I let things kind of ride.  Which is what I did yesterday.  I let her talk and talk and call and call until finally the levy BROKE.  Now that I think about it, recently another person told me that I hold a lot of things in until I blow up.  I really need to work on that, because I'm telling you, when I blow up....I mean really, when I blow up...It's really nothing nice and I take NO PRISONERS.....
What else would we talk about?  What else would she say? Not really sure, can't really say.  Mainly because most of the things I feel I need to talk to her about would not be affecting me if she were here.  I do know she would have loved the lasagna and the spinach salad with scallops.  I do know she would have laughed with me at those crazy kids talking about how they use gift cards at the club and how they were thinking the "state line" was one liquor store rather than actually the STATE LINE!! I also know she would have wanted to know how I felt about the new direction my life is going in....I would probably just tell her that I'm apprehensive but confident that everything will turn out for the best and how it is supposed to.  I know she would be in my corner....I know she IS in my corner. I've always been fortunate in that respect I know.  To have both of my parents OBVIOUSLY love me so.  Maybe that's why it's so difficult sometimes not to cry.  Because, when I think about how I am loved by different people in my life, NOT ONE PERSON can remotely touch that love they had for me.  That love I saw when they would smile at me.  The love in his voice when my Daddy said, "Hello Baby".  The love in her eyes when she would see me wear something she thought was cute or we would tease each other about who was really whose mother (she always thought I was bossy).  And when you think about it, I guess no one else's love is supposed to be like that.  They are two people who are unique to my life and my being, so of course their feelings for me and their love would be one of a kind.....

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Unbelievable...Yet NOT...

I have a LOT to say right now (yea, someone did say I was long-winded, lol), but I am going to start off with this.  I will not be signifying in this post.  If the person who brought about this particular post is reading (which she probably is) she knows who she is and I just think it would be egregious and self serving to mention her name or status.  Everything said here she is more than well aware of......now, with that out of the way:

I can't believe and then I CAN believe how much nerve some people have when they feel that they hold some sort of RIGHT in your life.  Just because I'm your mother doesn't give me the right to smash your car through a wall.  Just because I'm your wife doesn't give me the right to spit in your face.  You know, things like that.  Yet people who hold titles so much further down on the totem pole of my life feel that they can "address" what I do or what I say.
First off, I'm a FIRM believer in  "Take care of your own house, before you bring a broom and dust pan to mine."  Another George Hall gem :).....It's really amazing to me how many little things I've heard him say are coming back to me and in such relevant ways.  But, I'm not going to tell you how to perform brain surgery when I'm not the one with the medical degree.  I'm not going to tell you how to handle your kids because mine are not perfect.  I'm not going to tell you how to conduct your marriage, because again no perfection here and lastly, I WON'T TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE when I'm struggling through mine.  I find it unbelievable, yet NOT unbelievable that someone who is not on my level and really know less than anything about me would try to tell me how to be.  When I look at this same person and wonder what they are on....
I find it unbelievable, yet NOT unbelievable that someone would not take into consideration a loss when they've had a similar loss and use the most INOPPORTUNE of times to bring drama.....
I find it unbelievable, yet NOT unbelievable that someone who knows any one thing about me and my personality would think I'm going to simply "let" someone ream me.....Not even on a bad day am I to be messed with. (If you need to ask, you never knew. lol)
I find it unbelievable, yet NOT unbelievable that someone would think their opinions about my life would actually hold enough weight for me to change my behavior or the way I handle MY business.
I find it unbelievable, yet NOT unbelievable that someone would put themselves in the middle of that said business and think that would go unchallenged.......
I find it unbelievable, yet NOT unbelievable that I thought this person was more mature than that.  Oh well, c'est la vie....

I thank and appreciate all who will read and would also like to wish you a Merry Christmas.  Peace.

I didn't want to, but I will............

I hadn't planned on getting back here today.  Didn't want to, but I will....It's Christmas Eve and I STILL don't have any "Christmas Spirit"....haven't really done all the shopping I need to do.  I mean I haven't even picked up my groceries for the dinner I have to make....The dinner I have to make by myself again.
We're not going to do the whole turkey thing, just gonna switch it up.  I'll make my "famous lasagna" that my Mama loved.  She would always tease me about how it takes me two years to make lasagna when I'm asked to do it.  I mean I don't mind making it.  It's relatively easy (for me).  I just DON'T LIKE TO COOK and lasagna is the one dish that (if done right) takes up a LOT of kitchen time and I don't like to be in the kitchen.  My Mama did all of the cooking for us when she lived with us.  Even after she moved into her own house, when she would fry chicken (her and Dylan LOVE chicken) she would tell Dylan to come over and get a few pieces.  She would make dishes that she didn't eat (like tacos) and then make a separate meal for herself and Dylan.  Because surprisingly enough, they didn't like and did like the same foods.
If Mama was here today, swear I would make lasagna EVERY DAY if she wanted me too.  I'm not saying I wouldn't fuss about it, but I'd make it.  I always talk about the conditions or the things I would do if she was here.  I guess I still can't get over that hurdle that leads to understanding completely that she won't be here.  She won't be here to eat the lasagna for Christmas (which I know she would've thought was a good idea) or the sweet potato pies, the fried corn, the spinach salad or the candied yams or even the Louisiana Crunch Cake her granddaughter will bring as her contribution to the meal. :)
When someone leaves, you can sometimes remember some of the most insignificant things about when they were here.....I can remember her sitting in my dining room after a good meal, smacking her lips or resting her hand hard on the table where you can hear her bangles (like the ones I wear) possibly scratch up the table.  I don't have to say how much I would like to see all of that again today.  That would be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!! As it stands now, HONESTLY, I'm just waiting for this weekend to hurry up and end.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Is There a "Better" Way.........

My Mama and I went everywhere together.  She didn't drive so I was her personal chauffeur.  Now that I look back on how sometimes I would be tired and didn't feel like taking her around and wished she would get a license, I would take all those thoughts back and carry her on my BACK wherever she needed to go.  As long as she was back with me. I know, selfish again.
It was always funny to Mama how complete strangers would always tell me all of their business for NO REASON.  I could be standing behind someone in line.  They could turn to me and we'd say "hello" then all of the sudden I would hear stories of how evil their sons girlfriend is, how their daughter keeps her house nasty or their son won't get a job....Really, people have actually had conversations like that with me and I don't know them from Adam.  That always tickled my Mama.  She would say, "I don't know why they want to tell you all that.  You don't even say anything back."  I would shrug and say, "I don't know either, maybe they just want to talk and waste both of our time."  We would laugh and go on about our business.
More recently, when the kids and I were at a train stop on our trip back from the family reunion in New York I stepped out of the car onto the platform to stretch and was standing next to a lady while she was smoking.  I said, "Hi."  She asked did her smoke bother me and I told her she was fine (thinking to myself, "I stood next to you, so you were here first.").  Then she commenced to tell me how she was coming back from seeing her family in Brooklyn, how I look like her cousins daughter who's a model, how she has one daughter who keeps having babies and how her 3 youngest kids father wasn't any good and only came around when he wanted some.  The ENTIRE conversation I think I may have said 3 or 4 words...Oh, did I mention we were on the platform together for NO MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES??? LOL
When this happens I'm not annoyed.  I actually feel flattered that despite my face that a lot of people say looks "mean" people still can find me approachable enough to want to open up to me.  Even if it may be kind of inappropriate. :)  I am however annoyed with people who feel they can "make" me open up to them.  The one's that feel like it's ok to ask me any kind of question as long as it starts with, "It may be none of my business...."  or "I know you may not want to tell me..."
However, I don't think these exchanges are as exhausting as the ones where someone tells me how my Mama leaving me should have affected me and how I should be coping.  The other day I was taking care of some business with my Mama's estate.  As I was handing the notary the paperwork and the death certificate I needed copied she looked over everything and said, "Wow, your mom was young.  How did she die?"...Well, first off when someone says, "die, died, passed or deceased" it IMMEDIATELY takes something out of me.  I lose wind.  Don't know why, I just do.  I don't like those words.  I always say "she's gone", "no longer with us" or the one that REALLY covers how I feel ~ "She left me."  People who know me know that I have a very expressive face.  Meaning you see whatever I'm thinking on my face (good or bad).  My friend Carla would always say I was going to get us beat up at the club by the way I would look at some of the crazy outfits or hairdos we  would see.  So I am very sure this stranger could see I didn't want to have this conversation with her.  If she couldn't see that, she should've been able to determine from my long pause that I didn't want to answer her question.  But, either she was dumb or nosey (I think a combination of both).  So she asked in a different way, "Was she sick?"
I flatly explained, "No, she wasn't sick.  She went into the hospital and all of the sudden her organs started shutting down on her.  It was very quick.  The doctor put the cause of death as stroke."  So, I guess my curt reply for some reason gave this woman the "go ahead" to council me.  She came at me with the, "Well at least she didn't suffer. She could've been in a home or even worse she could've been murdered." *blank stare* SERIOUSLY?!?!?!....I wanted to say, "If I tell you that my father WAS in a home before he left me and a good friend of mine WAS murdered so I see no consolation in that.  Would you then STFU?"  Did she really think that telling me that my Mama left me in a "better" way I would hurt less?  Did she think the heartache I feel every time I have something to tell her that I know will make her laugh or smile and I know I can't  would go away??? If she thought that she either a fool or an idiot (again I say it's a combination of both).

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Gathering........

I just got in from the Christmas Party for our Federated Colored Women's Club.  I can not tell you how much I DID NOT want to go.  It is my responsibility as president of the Rain or Shine chapter to attend so I was there.  It is always a nice time, I just don't feel like being around a bunch of people who are happy to see the holidays approach.....
I really like my club and am proud to be one of the presidents because the Federated Colored Women's Clubs were established before there were sororities for black women to join and Mary McLeod Bethune was our first national president in 1909.....I like the history of the club and even the women....I just can't do these functions sometimes....
The women, who all new my Mama and are around her age or older are very nurturing.  At times TOO nurturing.  Sometimes I don't like to be touched and they like to touch & rub A LOT! Also, they like to bring up my Mama (because she was president before me) and how proud she would be to see me step in and take over where she left off....I HATE THAT SHE "LEFT OFF" SO I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT EVERY TIME WE'RE TOGETHER....
Today, Mrs. Preston decided to tell everyone there the "history" of my family within the club.  The fact that my Mama belonged to the club with her sister (my aunt) and how close she & my aunt were.  The fact that Mama left me last year and my aunt left the year before that and that I'm left here.  She didn't quite say it in that way, but that's what I heard.  I felt like she was talking FOREVER even though it may have just be two or three minutes. When she finished I felt physically DRAINED....seriously.  I didn't cry like I usually do when they put me on the spot like that, maybe because I was kind of pissed that she did it, again.  But, I know she meant no harm so it's ok.
I just kind of hate when people assume it's ok for them to make me "feel"....what if I didn't want to talk about her at that point?  What if I didn't want to talk about her in front of all of those people? What if I just wanted to have a good time without that tear-jerker moment?  I mean it was SOOOO frustrating because I could feel all eyes on me...I could feel some of them with pity, some with concern, some just being nosey....
I just wanted to say to all of them...I have this! Well, actually I don't, but I wouldn't want them to know that.  I want them to know that I don't need pity or sympathy what I need is MAMA...Well, that's what I "want"....I really want people to just let me gather my own thoughts and feelings when I'm ready and not try to push things on me.....SPACE PLEASE!

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Just Ann

Today was like any other day. I thought about my Mama a lot. I had housework to do that I would've done on Saturday but couldn't and I thought about how when we cleaned our house on the weekends we listened to music the whole time we cleaned. Natalie Cole was one of her favorites. She would sing along, VERY OFF KEY, to this song all the time.
Now, I never asked if she loved the song so much because her name was in it (sort of like I love the part in Jezebel when Sade sings "with a Raven in her eye...)...Her name was Marcella Ann, she did not like Marcella so everyone called her Ann and Ann was on all of her documents (passport, state ID, social security card, etc.) The only piece of documentation that listed Marcella as her first name is her birth certificate.....I kind of just assumed that was one reason she liked it even though she never let anyone call her Annie Mae.
I really believe my Mama's life was kind of like this song. She never spoke of her childhood besides little funny stories that were tied into events we may have been having at the time. "Growing up wasn't easy for Annie Mae. A little girl in a great big world....." I'm sure the prostitution aspect of this song had nothing to do with her, but the "little girl in a great big world" I do think was her. She had a strained (to say the least) relationship with her own mother, my Nana. I think her feelings were warranted because my Nana can be very difficult at times. Wait, that was sugar-coating and I'm not doing that here.....My Nana was REALLY mean. She never really had anything nice to say to or about my mother. That really affects my relationship with her as well. I mean I love her and I would do anything for her, but when Mama was here and even now that she's not....My love for Mama trumped any loyalties to her mother. I regret that my mother never had the type of mother I did. But, at the same time I feel if she never had that type of mom, it wouldn't have taught her how to be a better mom to me. And for that I am grateful. Mainly because I'm not sure if I was deserving. Not to say my Mama wasn't flawed, we all are but I'm thankful for the flawed/beautiful/smart/kind person she was.
I have a lot to thank my mother for, I just wish she was here so I could thank her in person....I thank her for first off, giving me life (obvious). I thank her for loving me despite the ROTTEN ASS brat I was at times. I thank her for never judging me when I made decisions I know she didn't like. I even thank her for something as simple as teaching me how to clean (I mean really clean)....We may not have had a lot of expensive stuff in our house, but it was always clean. To this day, nothing makes me feel as good as when my house is clean, top to bottom. Simple things really mean so much to me.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Appreciation...............

I actually had just written a FULL post about something else and some kind of way I tapped my laptop and it wiped out the ENTIRE ENTRY!!!! >:(.....Instead of getting mad (like I normally would), I just said to myself, "Rae, that's not what you wanted to write about."
I spent the earlier part of my day helping give back to my community.  Handing out coats to people in the urban housing development right down the street from my house.  As I think about the blocks in between us, how if I wanted to and it wasn't so cold I could've walked to where we were handing out donations, I think about how easily I could have been someone standing in that line.
As a child/teenager I was never allowed to go into these areas, the "projects"....I don't like the word "project" because the people who live there aren't specimens or data, I would call it a "development" because a lot of people are there to foster their own development and it is not a means to an end.  I had never actually been on the inside streets of any of those developments until I was in my mid/late twenties.  I remember when Dylan used to catch the bus to school at the corner of one of those streets.  She had a friend who lived inside the development and we saw her walking toward the bus stop.  She told me the little girls name (which I don't remember now) and said , "She lives there with her grandmother.  But she's very nice."  It kind of took me aback that she stated it that way because I KNOW I had never told her that people who lived in housing developments weren't "nice", but I had to think about the fact that she was a preteen and she had friends who may say things that she would pick up on and absorb.  Nevertheless, I immediately told her that a person's circumstances do not necessarily determine who they are inside.  Meaning that just because you live in a poor, under-privileged neighborhood doesn't mean that you have less "worth" than someone who lives in a gated community.  Sometimes those living behind those gates with the servants and big cash flow are less desirable people because they feel a since of entitlement.
I really think I saw a pure spirit today.  She was a young lady, I would say early twenties.  Very sweet, pretty face and small frame.  She had two little girls with her, I don't think either was more than 8 years old. By the time it was her turn to receive her donation we were tapped out and she was only able to get one coat.  Instead of complaining or getting upset (like others were) she looked at all of us in that kitchen and said, "I appreciate what you all are doing and you all have a blessed holiday.".......As she walked out, we looked each other directly in the eye and smiled.  I don't care how much stuff I gave out today...I am MOST happy about giving that one young woman that one coat and since I forever have her face etched into my mind/heart I am hoping to run into her again and maybe get her information so I can get the other two coats for her and her other daughter.  Had I been thinking instead of being so overwhelmed by her acceptance of her one coat, I would've gotten her information then.  But, oh well, everything happens for a reason and I know if I am meant to see her again I will.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

What a Difference A Day Made......

Some may consider me an "old soul" because I like singers like Dinah Washington, Sarah Vaughn and Billie Holiday...I just think I like GOOD music...I was exposed to these singers as a child probably because my Father was an "old soul" who loved music. He was 39 when I was born so I think this was the music of his era and that's why he loved it so much among other kinds of music. He was just like me (or I like him) he would listen to ANYTHING, any type of music EXCEPT...Country & the Blues (which I just think is Black Country music)...He also had me listen to Classical music to gain an appreciation of instruments...and to this day I really LOVE the sound of the violin (especially when I hear it on a WuTang song, lol).
This is my favorite Dinah Washington song and today it is SO appropriate....Yesterday ended up so badly for me. I was so upset/sad/irritable and I had no idea why (check yesterday's post)...Today, started alright, nothing special or extraordinary until I had what I think is one of the BIGGEST LAUGHS I've had in YEARS....
Before I start, you over-sensitive folk who may want to over think this situation can stop reading here........
I was running errands early this morning and decided to stop at the DMV to finally put the correct address on my license....It was kind of crowded, not really that crowded but as I was sitting waiting my turn I noticed two women sitting not to far from me. I noticed them because the older of the two ladies was wearing some type of blue satin pajama pants and had not combed her hair this morning. Well, if she did she just combed it straight to the back and she looked a HOT MESS.
Now, this is where the story gets good. As they sat there talking loud, swearing and complaining about the wait. The older woman looked out the window and said, "Those kids betta quit playing in that car before dey spill my drank!" I kept looking down at my phone while chuckling a little...Then not to long after that, the same woman told another woman who came in who may have been a friend or relative, "I came by yo house to tell yo monkey ass Happy Holidays. It was all dark. Y'all NIPSCO off?!?!" (for those who don't know "NIPSCO" is the local utility company)....I really can't remember what the lady's response was because at this point I had closed my eyes and held my breath to keep from laughing...and then for this inebriated woman's show stopping finale, she left the room with, "You MF's have a blessed day!"....I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT!!! That was SO freaking funny to me!!!
Yea, yea I know she was at the DMV in public, drunk...but security had that part under control as far as I could see. She was the passenger and didn't seem to be really a threat to anyone, even herself. It was simply hilarious to me that #1 she was that drunk at 8:30 in the morning and #2 she said some funny stuff!!!!
Whoever, that woman is I take my hat off to her and thank her for giving my mood a 180....I was SO down yesterday and today I can't think about those events with out being REALLY TICKLED.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

What is This????

I honestly thought I was done with A Raven in the Sun for today....I posted earlier and was satisfied with my post.  It's still there, a very light, poignant script.  Not the long intense stuff you usually see here but not a lot of fluff either.
I was in an "ok" place when I posted, nothing out of the ordinary going on.  My day going along as usual....So I'm REALLY trying to figure out what happened? Why, in a blink of an eye, a turn of a page do I feel like I just want to break and run....right out of my OWN SKIN....
What is making me anxious/irritable/sad/apprehensive all in one breath....The easy answer would be missing my Mama, as I do so often.  I think the easier answer is TOTAL GRIEF.....
I have lost a lot in my lifetime, family, friends, lovers....but nothing like this...I swear I was doing fine earlier today and then all of the sudden BAM!! I don't want to do this anymore, so I go to bed.....I did muster up enough energy to attend my therapy session, where I sat and really didn't say anything....I let the entire conversation go on around me as if I wasn't there because I DIDN'T WANT TO BE....I  just want to go to bed and sleep until I don't hurt anymore.  Of course, that wake up time will never come.  I know I will always hurt.  I know I will always think about that whole month of November, 2009 and cringe.  I'll always think about the regrets I have that I didn't get those tickets to take her to she Judge Mathis (who she LOVED) until after she was gone.  I was so mad the day I pulled them from the mailbox...all I could do is tear them up and throw them away like junk mail....if I wasn't taking her...no need for me to go and if someone else wanted to go let them get their own damn tickets (there's that only child Raven again, lol)....
I am really thrown off by days like this.  What is it that makes them start out so well and end in me wanting to curl up into a ball in the middle of my bed and just sleep? and sleep?? and sleep????
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Freedom...........

 

I've always sort of considered myself a socially conscious person.  I read a lot of African American authors, poets, journalists....I feel I have an understanding of diversity and an acceptance of differences.  Throughout my life I have had many different hairstyles. I've had long hair, short hair, long and short hair.  Curly hair, straight hair, but up until June 26, 2009 I had never worn NATURAL hair.  I walked into an African hair braiding salon and asked the stylist to lock or twist my hair.  She said, she could do it but I still had a lot of relaxed hair and she could mask that with extensions.  I told her I didn't want to do anymore weave, just my own hair.  She said the only way that would work would be to cut off my ends and she sort of laughed that notion off because my hair was so long at that point.  

I see where she was coming from.  Some women, especially black women feel they are of no value without their hair.  Most of them need to have very long, straight hair even if genetically their hair would NEVER be that way.  I had done all of that, the sew in, quick weave, micros etc....AND I WAS TIRED...I wanted to be FREE.  

So, I told her I'd be back later.  I went home, took out my haircutting shears and cut every bit of relaxed hair OFF MY HEAD....there was quite a bit of hair on the floor and as I looked at it I felt nothing but FREEDOM.  Looking in the mirror at my small afro I felt liberated and relaxed.  I went back to the salon and shocked the mess out of everyone there.  The conversation the whole time I was there was, "I can't believe you cut all that hair off!!!"...My response to that, was what I've always told my daughters....It is HAIR, it grows EVERYDAY sometimes very fast each day, so it will come back.  

Today, only a year and a half later, I have three, maybe four times as much hair as I did when I first cut my hair all off.  It feels fantastic!!! Soft and comfortable, CLEAN because I can shampoo it whenever I want (everyday if I want) and just FREE....Now I'm hoping I can transpose that feeling of freedom from my hair to my life.....

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Expectations...........

I think I know the kind of person people see me as.....
I feel that strangers see me as unapproachable, standoffish, quiet.  People who know "of" me may see me as funny, smart and no nonsense. People who KNOW me I think see me as much more than I feel I am.  I feel they see me as smart, which is fine, but I can always think of someone smarter.  They may see me as funny, which I think I am, because I can always find humor in most situations and I really like to laugh.  They may see me as strong, which I am at times....Just not ALL THE TIME.
Sometimes I would like someone to just let me lose it! Let me cry, scream and yell and just hold my hand or rub my back when I'm done.  Don't judge me or say the all annoying, "You have to be strong."....Why do I "have" to be?  What will happen if I have a moment or a few moments of weakness?  I've seen others be weak and have held their hand or even taken over the situation and "handled" it for them....Where is the one who can "handle" stuff for me?  Oh, that's right...She's Gone!  I don't like that, but I understand that she is...But, where is the person who I need to step in and assist? Not replace.  She can never be replaced...Just assist.  I've spoke about this in therapy and I've determined that I don't have to tell anyone that I need you to save me...Save me from this hell I'm in, save me from my thoughts, save me from ME!!  There is someone who knows EXACTLY what to do.  I have a strong belief in that.  That person will not need instructions, he/she/it/they will just step in and do what I need. No questions/no judgements/no remorse/no EXPECTATIONS.......just UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Thinking.............

"I can't help but feel you all around me, even in my darkest hour. You bring peace of mind, you bring joy to my soul........."
When my Mama was first admitted to the hospital on October 29, 2009 I looked through my cd's while sitting in my car getting ready to ride home and found Ledisi's cd. I initially put it in the player to listen to track number 5, "In the morning"...I skipped over it and found this track. I had heard it before and thought it was nice, just didn't know how NICE and how poignant it would be to me.
When you first hear it, you can assume it is a love song to her man...it can also be considered a prayer...I decided it was for my Mama. I guess I'm like anyone else (or maybe not) that when I find a song I like I play it over and over. That's how I did this song. It took me days, maybe weeks for the tears not to flow when I played it.
Mind you , I started playing it when Mama was first admitted to the hospital. At this point, I wasn't even remotely imagining the worse, but I still cried as I played this song. I think that's because in the car was the only place at that time I could cry and not worry about being strong for someone else. So you can best believe my Honda has had LOTS AND LOTS of tears dried up on the seats. It has been my own personal 'fortress of solitude'.
As this second holiday comes I am so not feeling any type of Christmas spirit. Once again, just like last year, I'm going through the motions....wanting it to hurry up and pass. I can't get the energy up to get out and do this Christmas shopping, don't really know what I should get or for who (outside of my kids). For the second Christmas in a row I've had this small artificial tree and that is REALLY out of character for me. I didn't buy the artificial tree that I have, it was in my Mama's garage, still in the box and when I saw it, I said, "Well, I don't have to worry about a getting a tree." I know people who know me thought that was out of character because the last time I "had" to have an artificial tree because I lived in an apartment, I couldn't stand it. I used to say, Christmas wasn't Christmas with out the Christmas tree smell in the house.
I haven't felt that way these past two Christmases that I've had to spend without my Mama. I'm feeling that as long as the tree is up, I've got that one ritual out of the way. Who cares if it looks like it can fit in my pocket. It's just a place to put gifts and HONESTLY once Dylan's grown and gone I won't even bother with a Christmas tree AT ALL. This holiday just isn't the same for me anymore. You would think as long as you have kids, you would always enjoy giving at Christmas. But, it wasn't until Mama left me that I realized that her gift was the one I enjoyed giving the most.
The last Christmas gift I gave her were her pearl and diamond earrings. The Christmas before that I had given her a three strand pearl necklace so the earrings were bought to match that. Even if she had gone with me to pick out her own gift, she always wanted it wrapped and put under the tree. Even though she already knew what it was. :)
Last Christmas I had planned months before that I was going to get her a jewelry armoire..I saw one at JC Penney that was the same wood as her bedroom set and had enough room for all her jewelry. I was looking at it as I sat waiting in the emergency room with her for a bed. Of course, we all know I never got to give her that armoire. Every time I see one now, I get sad/upset/mad.....even today.
Now as I look into this Christmas, I see the Kindle (or EReader)....I would have DEFINITELY got her one of those because my Mama LOVED READING...and now since I know she'll never be able to enjoy one, like I know she would have. I'm sad/upset/mad all over again. Maybe one day Christmas won't vex me so much.....maybe I'll look forward to it again....maybe I won't get irritated or uncomfortable when someone excitedly tells me "Happy Holidays"....maybe.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Both one and the same.........

My favorite line from this song is, "Where there's a flower, there's the sun and the rain...Oh but, it's wonderful. They're both one and the same." Meaning (to me) in order for that beautiful flower to grow you need the rain, which is not so beautiful.
Most recently, my life has been filled with the rain and I'm still waiting on the flowers to grow. But, the mature Raven is more optimistic that they will grow now that she grown more. I really don't think I've ever been the person to feel sorry for myself or say, "Why me?" When things have happened to me, good or bad, I've always tied them together with something that I have done (karma) or someone else's persona/values/spirit.
It is said that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I don't know how "equal" the opposite reaction is when it comes to actions of the heart or actions of love. But the "opposite" can REALLY tear your heart apart.
I've been hurt a lot in my life, I have hurt a lot of people in my life. I never intended to be hurt and I never intended to hurt. I've said before as mean as I may seem, the person who actually knows me understands that I have MUCH, MUCH love in my heart. The hurt I've been through to some extent I had caused myself. By simply not being aware, not loving myself, being naive and being a dreamer....Now, the last thing I mentioned, "being a dreamer" has always been part of me. I very much believe in love, fairy tales and happy endings. I dream for that for myself. However, I worry about the "rain" that someone else may have to endure in order for me to reach that dream. I am so conscious of what my next steps will be and who is watching them and if I want the person watching to emulate or follow in my steps. Right now, I can say that is a big NO...but, once I clear all of this out and move some things around to where they should be, I don't think I will be able to stop someone/anyone from trying or wanting to follow me.
I never believed through any of the pain I've gone through that I didn't deserve JOY. I know I do, because no matter what, I know I'm a good person. I know the type of love I can give and how I can wrap people I love up in my heart and hold them there. I know that the people I love KNOW that I love them, no matter what my mouth may say or what my face may say. They know by my ACTIONS. I know that the ones who love me give me that very kind of love in return ~ When they can. I say that because not everyone knows how to give love freely. Some have conditions on their love only because that is the kind of love that they've always known. Others may not be able to express their love in black and white (like I do, I can be very direct at times)...and finally, some do not love themselves enough to know how to receive the unconditional love that is offered.
I know that I LOVE AND HAVE LOVE. I know that I deserve all the joy that is destined for me. I will NOT claim the pain...I will just do spiritual "pain management" to deal with it and to overcome it.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

A Single Person Within a Circumstance Can Move One to Change....

When I first saw this video and heard all of the controversy I was like, "What is the big deal?"...I've said before on a lot of levels I can identify with Erykah and I could TOTALLY see myself walking naked in public for a cause or just because it's hot outside. LBVS....I think people place to much shame and stigma on nudity and sexuality. In return I think that makes people more curious and at the same time afraid to express themselves or their sexuality.
The message in this video was lost within the controversy. The most profound thing said in my opinion was the line at the end, "A single person within a circumstance can move one to change...." She was speaking on the lines of hatred and oppression. I want to speak of relationships.
All relationships and LIFE itself are series of events and circumstances. What you do within those circumstances can effect your well being and the way that you evolve into the person you are destined to become. One person can determine a couple's, family's destiny. That person's feelings. That person's actions. That person's LOVE. When you are that determining factor, it is more than necessary to act with selflessness and humility. It is NOT all about you. Few things in life EVER are just about one person. It's a "butterfly effect" every one thing affects the next.
I am evolving daily. A lot of times I think I "over-think" situations. However, I prefer to deal with situations that way than to "miss" something I could have considered and forever alter my life's path adversely. That's all I really have to say about that. :)
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

What is meant.........

I've said throughout this blog that I offer no apologies for what I say because even though it's posted for the WORLD to see, I'm doing it for ME...."No apologies" however, doesn't mean I won't offer clarification (from time to time)...I mean I try to make my writing as plain as I can, but I do understand when something I may say/do is misinterpreted or unclear.

A friend asked why I always say I don't care whether or not I have friends or that I will survive.  I didn't mean to put it out that way.  I do care about having friends.  The friends I can truly call friend are EXTREMELY important to me.  However, they don't give me LIFE. 

What I mean when I say that is I NEED life to live.  In my way of thinking, I NEED my children.  No matter where they are or what we go through as a family, they are my LIFE.  At this point in my life aside from them, all other things/people are WANTS. 
I "want" resolution in my marriage, I "want" to have someone to hang out with and have a good time with, I "want" my business to flourish and last, but not least I WANT TO BE HAPPY.  I don't know if I am totally deserving of true happiness, but I know that I WANT it. --- I'll clarify that last statement another time.
I'm not sure how many people who will read this have ever lost BOTH of their parents.  Or who that will read was an only child.  Or who that will read was VERY dependent on their Mom and actually considered their Dad to be all powerful.  I did all of that and more with my parents.  I wasn't realistic at all when it came to their lives and tried not to ever consider them not being here for me.  Even when my Daddy was in that nursing home, that I KNEW he didn't want to be in, that I KNEW made him feel vulnerable and defeated, but that I KNEW was the best place for him to be.  The entire year and three months he was there being fed, bathed, poked and prodded.  My unrealistic, selfish self never thought he would leave me.  Then just last year to have my Mama leave me which seemed to be in a blink of an eye, I felt like....OK RAE, IT'S JUST YOU!! Let's TRY to do this.
I've had supportive friends around me the whole time, letting me know that they're around when I need them...I love and appreciate that...but what I feel I NEED, they can't supply.  What I feel I NEED, I would give all of them up in a SECOND for.  I feel I NEED my Mama...can't help with that, then I don't NEED you. It's really just that simple right now to me. 
I'm not trying to push anyone away, I just need to take care of me and mine and not worry about them and theirs.  So, I don't.  Not to say mine is anymore important than theirs....it's just that after you lose the two MOST important people of your life, of your being...then you look around and someone who can NEVER take their place is acting like it's all that for them you just have to step back and say, "You know what? It's really whatever....Do you, I'm straight."  If they don't understand where I'm coming from with that, then they probably weren't worth my time to begin with. 
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

This Dude......

This dude in this picture here....What can I say about him that would make all understand how SPECIAL he was?  My father, my friend, My DADDY....I was about 2 years old when this picture was taken.  But, I can remember the way I would always sit on his lap like that.  I remember when he came here for my graduation and we were at my Nana's house, he was in one of her living room chairs and as soon as I saw him sitting there comfortably it was like his lap was calling me so I sat right down and laid my face right on his shoulder.  I was 18 years old and that STILL wasn't the last time i did it....The very last time I remember was when he was a patient in Harlem's Amsterdam House, an extended care facility.............
He had a massive stroke on January 20, 2002.  He was in his guest room watching TV and Geri (his girlfriend for over 20 yrs) said she heard a loud "thump" and went into the room and he was on the floor saying he couldn't move.  She immediately got him help.  I love Geri because she loves my Daddy.  She called me and made sure I knew about EVERYTHING that was going on.  I drove up the first time to see him because I refused to wait & the plane ticket was super expensive on short notice.  When I got to his room he actually looked the same to me.  The only difference was the way he said, "Hello Baby" was a little different and that BROKE MY HEART because those two words out of his mouth said to me were like LIFE to me.
When I first saw him, he couldn't really feel anything below his neck....So the whole time I was there I made sure when I wanted him to feel my touch I would touch his head or his face.  When I was being selfish and just wanted to feel him.  I held his hand.
I was back & forth from Gary to NY for those next 2 years.  I remember when Geri needed to go to see her family in Phoenix for a week and she called and asked me to ask someone in the family that lived in New York to PLEASE check on him at least 2 or three times during that week to make sure he was alright (see went there EVERYDAY)....I told her before I make a phone call and get a bunch of excuses or someone doesn't show up, I'll come up there myself and look after my own Daddy, and I did.  I stayed at their home in Spanish Harlem and walked up to the nursing home every morning and stayed there ALL DAY....Just like Geri did.
At this point, Daddy could move his arms.  I was sitting reading and he was in his ambulatory chair.  He asked, "What you reading baby?" (his voice was better)...I said, "Mystic River"...He said, "Read it to me."  So I, pulled my chair up closer so he could hear me....as I got closer, he patted his lap for me to sit on it.  I smiled WIDE AS ALL OUTSIDE and hopped on up there and read him a couple of chapters....I was 34 years old...and I still felt as comfortable & SAFE as that two year old. MAN, I LOVE MY DADDY!
I thank & appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Too Much at Times...........

I am an evolving entity...To know me years back I'm different, BUT NOT THAT MUCH DIFFERENT...
I've always been a loner.  Never "needed" to be in a crowd of people.  Can be very content to be by myself or with my kids all day and don't like for company to "over-stay".
One way where I am VERY different is that I don't hold my tongue as much as I used to...A friend I had not spoken with in years recently said to me, "You hold a lot of shit in and then BLOW UP!"...He was ABSOLUTELY CORRECT! LOL.....to an extent.....I don't do that half as much as I used to. Just with certain people, again, not to cause drama.  However, I find that these same people can give less than a damn about what they bring up to me, or how it will make me feel.
A few days ago a friend and I had an argument because she felt I said something out of line.  Maybe, the TIMING was out of line, because I really should have brought it up as soon as it was brought to me.  But, now that I re-evaluate, what was said was NOT out of line because she would have said the same to me, only SOONER.  So my apology was offered for WHEN it was said, not WHAT.  If our friendship is forever damaged/ruined because of it then it was time for the friendship to end.  I have other things to focus on.  Not saying I wouldn't miss the friendship, but it is what it is.
Another way, my imperfect self needs work is with my bluntness and "matter of fact" way I give information.  Some people, although they say they want to know DON'T want to know everything and others don't NEED to know everything unless they ask.  Honestly, even if they ask they don't need to know.
A lot of times, I will ask a question and before I get an answer I'll say, "Never mind, I don't want to know."  It may be irritating to the person I'm speaking to who may WANT to give me the answer, but I've become a believer (because I learned the hard way) that if you LOOK for something you WILL find it.
Becoming the person I am today, I want to lay all of my cards out on the table because I really don't mind people knowing who RAVEN is.  I would prefer you know me straight up and then decide if you want to be bothered with me or not.  Either way, I'll survive.  I'm beginning to think I need to hold back on that.  It seems as if people don't understand that just because you used to be a certain way or you used to do certain things you can't CHANGE AND GROW.  The 8 to 12 yr old Rae-Rae is not the 13-17 yr old Raven, is not the 18 - 25 year old Rae, is not the 25-34 yr old Raven Hall  and is definitely not the 35 - 42 yr old Raven Kamara Hall-Cox...She's different. More mature, more enlightened, more careful, more sincere, more loving, more nurturing and more MORE....I will have to accept that not all are ready for Raven Kamara....but I AM ready for her and I LOVE HER D-O-W-N! :)
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Breathing......

I think I've said before that I'm blogging mainly for myself and don't really care what others think/feel about what I'm saying. If I offend, in advance, I offer NO apology....this is MY personal journey. If you chose to read, I can't/won't/don't want to stop you, but I don't want to/can't/won't censor what I put here.
With that disclaimer out of the way, let me start.....aside from seasonal/dust allergies, my respiratory system is pretty much in tact. No breathing problems to speak of, no asthma, bronchitis and only second hand smoke. I can say however, at this very moment, I feel like I have a plastic bag over my head!!!
I feel like "Every Breathe I Take" is labored and takes so much more effort. Which is so much more exhausting.
I should be able to just let it all go, exhale one good time and be done. Life is so not that easy. There is too much at stake in the 360 degree circle of the universe. I often say I'm not sure of the doctrines that man chooses to follow. I've grown up reading the Bible. I've also read the Quran and the Book of Mormon....Not saying I don't BELIEVE, just a little unsure. A lot of the "stories", more particularly their interpretation by man intrigue me to say the least.
What I do believe in is tangibles. Things I can see, touch, feel and prove. I had a very good friend in high school and early adulthood named Darren (Magic)....I remember one day, we were sitting around talking and he noticed a crucifix I wore around my neck. It was a gift from the guy I was dating at the time. It was gold on a very delicate chain (I've always preferred smaller chains because of my frame I guess)....I thought it was very pretty because it was very detailed.....Magic looked at the chain and said, "So you gangster now?" I looked confused. He said, "So, you're wearing murder weapons around your neck." Then I understood....Magic & I were both Pisces, he was just a little over a week younger than me, but it seemed like he was years older....Without him elaborating any further on what he said, I never wore that crucifix or any other again...To date, the only reason I have a cross in my home is because the Missionary Society at church presented me with one in honor of my Mama.
I do wear an Ankh on the upper right side of my back. To me the Ankh represents my heritage...my motherhood...my womanhood.....It is a kemetic symbol that represents LIFE....as a woman, I am a giver of LIFE. Of BREATH....I have PROUDLY done that on more than one occasion....I am PROUD of the woman who did the same for me....
Now with that all being said, I have to wonder why/how am I allowing myself to give away the breath that was awarded to me??? The life that is never guaranteed (case in point, my friend Magic is gone)...The life that is lived not only for ME but in honor of and for others???
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

SCREAM!!!!!

Yeah, two in one day for me....had to come back here and log, to keep from SCREAMING! LBS.....
I've said before that I don't like arguing, conflict or drama. Right now, that is what is surrounding me and I can't seem to get out from under it. It's like I'm gasping for a breathe and there is NO AIR left.

It is times like this when I miss Mama the MOST....Just talking to her would help me know EXACTLY what I need to do without her doing anything but sitting and listening. A well, placed "Mmmhmmm" every now and then. I am not a cruel person, no matter how much I snap or how smart my mouth is I'm just not heartless. When I make a decision that seems that way, it is done with much thought and debate. Most of the time, I opt on the side that will cause me pain in order to spare another's feelings. There have only been a few times in my life when I've made a radically necessary decision that put my feelings in front of someone else's....the very last time before this I remember making this type of decision was over 16 years ago when I decided to "disappear" on a situation that was no good for me. I could have very well stayed put and continued with the way things were and caused myself and/or my family much more discomfort, but I think I made a "responsible" decision that was very unselfish at the time....Today, the decision I feel I have to make is a little more selfish, but just as necessary as that decision oh so long ago....The problem, I'm not being heard....and it makes me want to SCREAM!

If this is your first read with me, let me say again...I am not a loud talker, I didn't grow up in a noisy house, so I'm not used to all the screaming and hollering that goes on in some houses...But, I have noticed that it is somewhat unproductive, because everyone vying for center stage just makes for audience headache, not enjoyment.....interactions like these exhaust me.

Right now, I don't want to "say" anything......I just want to SCREAM and hope I am heard. That is the hard part, when someone so obviously doesn't want you to talk because they don't want you to say what they need to hear...Something they definitely don't want to hear. My Mama would throw her hand in the air and say, "LOOK!" and commence to telling it like it is whether it wants to be heard or not....I didn't get those genes, I'm not sure what genes I have here....My Daddy was pretty blunt, not hurtful, but blunt. He would say what needed to be said and let the chips fall. (Except when it came to my Mama, lol)...My problem is, I don't want to see these chips "fall", I think about karma but in this case I don't think "bad" karma applies because I'm not trying to be hurtful...I'm trying to do what's best for all involved....Still not good enough I'm afraid....I think in order to be free, I may have to SCREAM! *smdh*

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

& So you wait....

No big secret. Stevie Wonder is definitely one of my favorite male musicians. Prince is the other :). Before there is any debate, note that I said "musicians"....other favorites of mine like Dwele, Rahsaan Patterson, Will Downing, Luther or even Raheem Devaughn aren't really musicians they're vocalists only. They don't play nearly as many (or some instances any) instruments as these two gentlemen or write music....
This song by Stevie is another one of my favorites...as a child I played both LP's from Songs in the Key of Life over and over without skipping one song & I hung on EVERY word in each song....I've said before that lyrics of a song are just as (if not more) important than the music...in Summer Soft, Stevie (in my interpretation of his lyrics) is singing about patience, waiting for the right time to address something or take action. "& So you wait to see what she'll do. Is it sun or snow for you, but it breaks your heart in two when you find it's October & she's gone...."
It speaks to me of timing. Waiting to see how something is going to play out, but if you wait too long, your time has past.....I'm not really an expert in the patience department. I'm kind of a "let's get this done" type of person. When I know something has to be done, I like to go ahead and take action. Most of the time not ALL of the time....The other percentage of the time is usually focused on others. How my actions will make them feel (affect them). Contrary to some peoples' beliefs I am an extremely considerate person. Even when I know I've been betrayed or wronged I will always try to consider the other person's feelings. I can look at this trait two ways, as a blessing and more recently a CURSE...
This curse is not allowing me to get past things or to move forward. This curse has me stagnant, in proverbial quicksand grasping at a lifeline that doesn't exist. This "curse" is a blessing for others involved. They get to be happy/content....But how do I get to be happy/content...I'll have to find that out...SOON
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Let it Snow......

It is often said, "Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it."  If you think about snow, people who like it or think it's pretty can't wait for that first cover of snow (I'm not one of those people).  As I cleared off the driveway and walk of "my" house, which this same time last year was still my Mama's house and I hadn't decided what I was going to do with it.....I thought about how I always tried to make sure that when snow came her path was clear.  I didn't want her to fall or anything to happen to her.  So, if my husband didn't do it the first time I asked, I was going to hop into my thermal snowsuit (like the one's construction workers wear) and get out there and get rid of the snow for her.
Recently, I've been asking for a lot of other things.  Only because I am hoping it will help me get better.  The most notable thing I've asked for is SPACE. Space to figure out what is important to me.  Space to figure out if this is where/how I want to be.  Space to determine just what's good for me and mine.
I haven't really had my wishes granted, I'm really trying to even get them acknowledged.  I do have a tough exterior and can be very direct (especially with outsiders who I feel may be mistreating me or my family).  However, to REALLY know me, you would understand that the last thing I want is a bunch of drama/disorder/conflict.  I'm not a yeller/screamer type of girl.  The best way to win an argument with me is to start getting loud or talking over me.  I will stop talking altogether.  Mainly, because I don't have a loud voice & because if I start yelling I get mad & if I get mad I CRY!  & that makes me EVEN MADDER.  As I am writing tonight there is no one here but me.  Home alone, but happier than Macaulay Culkin was, because I think I asked for this....strike that, I did ask for this.  Just me and the dogs about to turn in on a Saturday night.  Nothing planned for Sunday morning, just relaxation and quiet....
I'm hoping to have time to sort things out, to make decisions and changes.  Of course that's a lot to ask for in one night.  Dylan will be back tomorrow and the quiet will be no more, lol....but it is a start....and I REALLY need to start deciding what's next...I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Love Is NOT Blind

This story I've been hearing about for the past few days has been REALLY weighing heavy on my heart. A teenager stabbed to death his girlfriend, her mother and her 11 year old sister. It doesn't bother me from a personal stand point, because I haven't been a victim of domestic violence to this extent. There was one time when I was hit in my face so hard that for days my left eye was sensitive to light. That was the one time & the only time. There were NOT enough apologies or gifts that would make me forgive that. Mainly because I had not laid one hand on him when he hit me.
My Daddy would always talk to me and around me as if I was an adult. He said I was too smart to hide things from that I would eventually figure out anyway. One thing I know he had ALWAYS said to me was, "Before you hit a man, put your hands in your pocket." I didn't have to ask what he meant because it was as clear as black and white to me, even as a pre-teen who didn't even date at the time. Because, I had always had that philosophy to "keep my hands to myself" I knew that the only reason a man would ever have to want to hit me would be because of something I SAID....which is exactly what happened. I damn near lost sight in one eye because this fool didn't like what I SAID. SOOOOOOO UNACCEPTABLE.
I tried to pass my Daddy's philosophy onto my children. I've always told my daughters not to even "play fight" with boys. It's not cute/lady-like and you may run up on the little boy who doesn't care about knocking a girls block off. I tried to teach my son the same. That's where I think I may have mis-stepped.
When I think about this story, I wonder...WHY DID THE MOTHER STILL LET HIM AROUND??? I know it doesn't really matter now because they can't be brought back, but I can't help but wonder if you see signs that your child is in an abusive relationship why not help her/him in every way you can to get out of that situation!!! I'm not trying to judge, but I guess I am judging (I've said often I'm not perfect)...& since I'm on this path let me point out another observation......The mother of the murderer, where was she??? Did she see the signs of rage within him? Did she turn a blind eye or try to get him help?
Thinking about her perspective is very real to me. Because my own son has a volatile temper. I worry about that often. I have tried since he was 7 and I first noticed how angry he got about losing at Sega or Nintendo to find a way to help/calm him. However, when others don't see the same things you see and others feel that you're just a young mother reading too much into him "acting out" it is an uphill climb for someone to hear you. His paternal grandparents always thought he acted out JUST because of me. Because I had another child, because I moved to Milwaukee and let him stay with them so he wouldn't have to move around, because I didn't marry his father (who was SO not serious about the proposal)...I would fight & curse & scream for them to hear what I was saying and then at one point I just cut them off from him so I could be the parent. It may not have been the right decision, but during those months I made sure he saw the school counselor, the social worker AND a therapist to deal with his anger issues. Hell, I even had him tested for chemical imbalance. Extreme? Maybe, maybe not...Necessary? Definitely! If not only for his safety & well being, but for others....
His temper still has a very HIGH, HIGH and there unfortunately is no LOW to speak of...with him, either you're with him or DEAD WRONG...All I can do as the one who still looks at the C-Section scar he caused everyday is LOVE, LOVE, LOVE him in spite of himself....meditate/pray for solace in his heart and hope that eventually he will come to a place of peace....He's a man now, can't hold him close under my neck & kiss his forehead like I used to...ALTHOUGH I REALLY WISH I COULD.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. I'll try to make them shorter (NOT) :)...Peace

Intentions..........

At times even the best of intentions can be interpreted wrong.  I remember always going to my Mama asking her why this or that happened and why this or that person is mad when I only said this or that.  She would just look at me and say, "Raven, everybody don't think like you." 
I try hard to remember that when I speak.  But, I'm human and as we all do, I fall short.  I along with millions, maybe billions of other people can open mouth & insert foot.  The difference with me is, unlike those millions/billions I am willing to accept what I've done wrong and sincerely apologize for it.  Because, I have GOOD intentions.  Something not everyone has.
I am very proud of the fact that I have grown enough as a person to accept when I am wrong and to take steps to correct it.  I can recall a previous friendship circle where all we did was sit on the phone ALL DAY gossiping about others.  Now that I think back, if I'd spent that time WORKING  I'd be way rich with much more leave stored up. lol
Now, the gossiping (while not completely gone) is not as extreme a factor as it was back then...Now it's strictly for entertainment purposes only & not the malicious intent it was in my previous "sister circle".  I have tried to learn to be more careful & measured with my words.  Of course, that doesn't always work, but at least I do try.
Others I have noticed don't try so hard.  They really live for the times where they can cause others pain or heartache.  It is amusement to them.  Some people have nothing else to do or are so unhappy with their situation that the only solace they can find is by hurting others INTENTIONALLY.  A lot of times, it doesn't even matter if the person they are hurting is FAMILY.
Now let me preface this with, MY FAMILY ARE BY NO MEANS THE WALTON'S! There are a few family members that if they needed my kidney & one of my friends or even a stranger needed that same kidney...these particular family members would be left short.  But along with those few, there are SO many more that I would try to rip out my own kidney & hand it to them if they needed it....I never have to worry about these family members not having my back EVER...They may talk me to death & get on my nerves before they get on their posts behind me, but they WILL DO IT!  Again, like Mama said, "Not everybody thinks like me."  I couldn't imagine intentionally telling someone in the family that I LOVE something that would hurt them or their kids/family/relationship.  If I had any information to the opposite, TRUST  I would STFU before I let my lips part.  Now that doesn't mean I don't slip, because we all do.  There would never be a time when my family member I LOVE would have to make excuses for me or my actions.....
I don't understand how a family could HAVE & sit back and watch someone they love have not and still SLEEP AT NIGHT....Luckily with the family I am surrounded by a love that no matter how strained/stressful/angry I get, I will talk it out and make my intentions VERY clear.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Nothing Left to Say/A Lot Left to DO...

I have always been a fan of Mint Condition. Not only because I think Stokely Williams' voice is the bomb, or because they are an ACTUAL BAND (not a bunch of hype men or dancers who can sing a little bit)....I LOVE THEM BECAUSE THEY WRITE SONGS THAT HAVE VERY STRONG WORDS....

"Nothing Left to Say" has to be my ALL TIME favorite song by them. Not to say I don't love the others, but this is the one, if I had to chose a favorite I would pick.

It is no secret to people who know me that I love music...I've been surrounded by it my whole life. My father loved music as well. He was a vault librarian for CBS/Columbia records (now Sony) in downtown New York for over 20 years. He was responsible for cataloging master tapes, lyrics and music for reference later on or sampling for other artists/labels....One of the benefits of his job was that he was able to take home excess recordings that were just going to be destroyed. We had ALL KINDS of LPs, 45's, cassettes, 8 tracks & reel to reels in the house. He would play music all day long which was ok with me & mom because for one, I loved hearing the music and Mama didn't care as long as it didn't interrupt her reading or crosswords.

When I first heard Mint Condition while at a bar in Milwaukee around 1990, as soon as I got home I called my Daddy and asked if he could get me a cassette of their album (they were not signed to CBS but sometimes they could swap music with other libraries)...He got me that cassette & every time they came out with something new, he tried to make sure I got that one too.

When I first heard this song in 1996 from their "Definition of a Band" album, I WAS FLOORED...at the time I had just had my 2nd child with a man I met in college that I should've LEFT THERE. lol.....He was not the person I needed (other than to donate sperm) & it was clear that he didn't need/want me. He is actually the one that found this song on the cassette. He wasn't necessarily into music lyrics like me so he didn't realize what the words of the song were saying until I played it OVER & OVER & OVER again. lol...Then he was like, "AYE!!" LOL...Shortly after I found this song, I ended that toxic relationship & never looked back.

Now that I am led back to this song, it has a different meaning for me. The lyrics mean something completely different to me now. They aren't as FINAL as they were before and now that I re-evaluate them, they probably weren't as final then...I just wanted them to be.

When I listen now, it seems to be a song about getting back. DOING what you need to do to get there. Actions needed to put everything into perspective....When you listen to the way Stokely is delivering the lyrics it is not angry like so many of the female songs that give the "I'm leaving" or "to the left" message. It may not be necessarily getting back together, but getting back to who the people this song is about were...It sounds as if he's pleading that a resolution come....
That's what I'm doing. Pleading that a resolution come.............
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Giving Wings..............

Sometimes the best thing you can ever do for a person is let them go...A lot of time we hang on to love for many selfish reasons, not realizing that we're doing EVERYONE harm.  Sometimes a person is so secure in the love that you have for them that they will PUSH you to the end of you're rope & still say, "You're not gonna jump! You love me!"
True love, in my opinion will ALWAYS last..The love you have for your children, whether they are with you or apart is everlasting.  The love that you've had for a special person in your life who you thought was your "soulmate" will always hold you even when you're with another.  The love you have for your parents is the secure love, the love you know that no matter what, they may not LIKE IT, BUT THEY LOVE ME!!
To me, the HARDEST part of love is the point where you have to give the person who is not fully deserving or accepting of your love the wings to fly away and re-evaluate your role in their lives & vice versa.
It is never an easy task, because all involved will end up hurt...But, it is a "necessary" hurt.  The person you let fly will more often than not feel like you have turned your back, let them down and that you don't love them like you say you did.  However, you need to hold strong and hopefully help them to realize that TOUGH LOVE can build character when that character is lacking....In the words of my Daddy, George F. Hall, "Sometimes you have to let a puppy be a dog."  I was really small when I'd over hear him say that in "grown-folk" conversation over a game of pitty-pat or pokeno (always played for money, lol)...I would just look like, "Daddy's drunk, he has no idea what he's talking about."   Until recently, when I had to do it for myself...The first thing I said, when I made the decision I made was, "I gotta let that puppy be a dog." As if Daddy was speaking it into my ear telling me what I need to do....It is one of the HARDEST things I may ever have to do as a wife, mother, aunt, friend, cousin....But the outcome I know will be it's own reward.
I thank & appreciate all who will read....Peace

The Littlest One.............

I started not to write today...I don't like to write through pain & tears, which is what I'm feeling right now.  I am not at all a perfect person.  I have faults and I accept them.  I know I can be sort tempered, moody, sarcastic & mean sometimes.  I'm not proud of any of that.  What I am proud of is that along with that I am loving, caring, strong and kind most of the time.
It may take me a while to find my faults, but once they are validly brought to my attention, it is NOTHING for me to say something like, "I see, or you're right." I wish that was something I had passed along to my children, but it doesn't look that way. :(
I'm not going to elaborate on that, I'm just going to focus on the LITTLEST ONE.  The youngest one, the one who is most like my Mama in the way she cares about me.  It's funny because she & my Mama usually bumped heads & my Mama would fuss at her a lot because she thought she was lazy & spoiled but my Mama did love her and in her own way she was trying to make her better.  Which I think she did.  The littlest one, Dylan, still may sleep until noon or 1pm on a Saturday and she may be moody & mean at times. But all of that (sans the wake up time) is my Mama. And what she'll do when she does get moving is make sure she's done her part to make sure our home is clean and organized. I can't remember the last time I had to tell her to do dishes.  I can just cook, go sit down & know that eventually she will clean the kitchen AND clean it well.  I know that all I have to do is separate the clothes in the laundry room and she will wash, dry & fold.
Only sometimes will she ask for assistance, which I tease her about then do anyway.
The littlest one, is mature WELL beyond her years.  To speak with her, you wouldn't think she was only 15.  She has a compassionate outlook on things.  Especially when they pertain to me.  Maybe because she's the one who's here and sees the tears dried up on my face in the morning or me staying in bed all day or me dragging around the house not having energy to do anything but move to another chair to sit.  She can be very self absorbed at times wanting things her way by any means (I guess that's the part of me in her), but when she steps back and thinks about a situation where she may have stressed me or been disrespectful she will come back and apologize or if it's something we BOTH did we will talk it out together & get past it.
I can tell the littlest one needs me to be here and needs me to get better.  That's what I say to myself every day/night when I meditate.  I have always had a plan B for her in case something does happen while she's still young, but I'm going to stick with plan C to make sure I get better to be around for her the way she's around for me.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace