I've been gone more than a month from this blog. Not because I didn't have anything to say or because I gave up on it. Mainly because it kind of hurt too much to be here.
The month of May with Mother's Day, Mama's Birthday and even Memorial Day put me in a DEEP funk. I was out of "myself" (for lack of a better way to put it).....
The beginning of the month was alright. The election I was involved with went well and our candidate won! :)....Being busy helping with that took up the first week of the month and kept my mind occupied. But right after was Mother's Day.....I think I handled it pretty well. For it to be the second one without her, I didn't cry half as much as the first. Although I did stay in bed all day. *shrug*
Then her birthday came on the 27th of the month. Again, I didn't cry as much as the first year.....I even managed to smile. I had just gotten the finishing touches put on the tattoo (something called a derma-piercing) and for some reason, that made me feel better. I didn't even cry at that like I did when I first got her name tattooed on my shoulder.
The day that hurt me the most I think was Memorial Day.....Crazy ain't it? I just really couldn't handle that day. Not because I had gone out to the cemetery or anything like that. I don't believe in the yearly trip to clean off the plot. People at the cemetery are paid to do that. In my opinion, she's not there, so why should I be? I think it was mainly because I knew this was the time we would celebrate her day. It was mainly (to me) a holiday for her. I barbecued like I do every year, even though it was just me and my youngest daughter, but the whole day seemed like slow motion to me. I cried a lot, my stomach was in knots a lot.
For some reason, the month of June hasn't turned out any better for me. The absolute BEST part was my daughter turning 16 and seeming to enjoy her day (and the J. Cole concert the week before, lol). I feel lately, that their joy is really my joy. I don't seem to have a lot of joy outside of them. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but right now it's keeping me going.
Father's day wasn't so bad. I talked with and spent the day with people I love. I cried a little, but it was ok. I think most of my tears lately have been because I'm beginning to realize that "I'm the one". The center of my little family. I have to count on ME for everything, but I'm not sure if "ME" can handle "everything" (bad grammar intended, lol).....
Anywho, what I'm going to do for me, them and the others I love is weather the storm and keep my back strong and ride this whole thing called "Life" until the wheels fall off. I can't say there will be no more tears, because sometimes I need that "mental cleansing"....But, I can say there will be no more letting my tears get the best of me and my joy.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.
