Never Dreamed.................

Another one of my favorite Stevie songs.....a very short song (less than 3 minutes), but says SO much in this short time......I've said that since Mama left I listen to some lyrics differently. This is one of them.

I say when I speak about her leaving me, I never believed it would ever happen. I guess sort of hoping I would leave before she would (I know very unrealistic & selfish). She would always try to get me to talk about it. I would come to her house and she'd be filling out paperwork or going through things and she'd always say in a round-a-bout way what she would want me to do when she's gone. I remember she was amending her life insurance policy and asked me if the amount she was filling it out for was "enough". I was SO MAD at her for asking me that, but her being Mama I couldn't let her know how mad I was so I just kind of threw my hand up and said, "Whatever Mama, it doesn't matter."
Now that I think about all of these "round-a-bout" conversations, I begin to wonder if she knew. Did she have even the slightest inkling that she was sick. Was she NOT telling me something? Or, was she trying to tell me something and I wouldn't listen?
Was there ANY way she could have known that the visit to the emergency room would leave her being admitted? Would we have been able to know that day after day something else would go wrong?
I remember being in her hospital room with her before she was in ICU and I was rubbing her back because she was uncomfortable. She looked at me and asked, "What's going on? Is this happening because I'm old?" That kind of shocked me. She was only 67, that's not old, to me at least. I just said, "Mama, you aren't old. Nothing is happening, you're going to be ok once we get these tests back. You're going to be ok." I REALLY believed that!
I NEVER DREAMED it would be anything more serious. Even when I noticed a bed sore and she had only been in the hospital two days and it wasn't there when she was at home. Even when they called and said she was being transferred to ICU for closer monitoring. Even when they asked my permission to give her blood or put her on 24 hr dialysis. Even when they asked my permission to put her on life support. No, not even then. I assumed life support was just that, LIFE support. Not even when I checked her body (to make sure they were cleaning her) and noticed that one of her toes was turning black. I held out every hope, I never dreamed she would go and not come back home......
As I look through papers and writings, I'm left to wonder DID SHE KNOW.....She wrote a journal for my daughter, when I first looked through it I found an irony.....Now, she didn't write in it everyday, but there was one day that she only wrote JUST THE DATE and nothing else......That date was Nov. 5, 2008...........My Mama left me on Nov. 5, 2009.............

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.