Fellowship.........

Growing up the only time I had to go to church was when I was visiting Gary. Neither of my parents were very religious.  In fact I remember being surprised when one of the nurse's aides said my father had asked for a Bible.  When I said, "Daddy, you want a Bible?"....He gave me a look like~You know better~then he said, "She asked me if I wanted one, I told her yes so she'd go away." LOL....She did bring it to him and it sat on his bedside table unopened.  I asked if he wanted me to read it to him, he said, "No.  Don't want to hear any stories." *shrug*
My mother did not start attending church really until my Aunt Tommie came back to town.  She went initially so she would stop bothering her about going and eventually joined and became very active.  You know, that's another thing that makes me wonder if she knew she wouldn't be with me much longer.   She was an usher, in the courtesy guild and the missionary society.  After my Aunt Tommie left us, I was responsible for taking her to and from church.which is right around the corner so there was no big deal to drop her off, have her call me to pick her back up....
Eventually, I decided that my youngest and I would go ahead and start going with her since she kept asking (all of the sudden).  I fought it at first saying, "You never worried about me going to church the whole time I was growing up.  Now you want me to join the choir. LOL"....Then just to expose my youngest to spirituality in order for her to determine her own thoughts on it, we started going regularly (well a little regular :))....
The 2nd Sunday in August, 2008 when the "doors of the church were opened", something told me to go ahead and re-join this church I had been a part of off and on my whole life.  My Mama was ushering that day.  As I stood there with the Pastor, I saw her standing at the end of the aisle looking at me like~What are you up to?~then she came down to me and said, "You joining?"  I told her I was and her eyes filled up and she gave me a big hug.......
As I think on the services after that, they're really a blur.  I think now that I can not think of one sermon I remember.  The only thing that ever sticks out to me about church is that I've heard at least 3 different interpretations of Proverbs 31:10-31 pertaining to the "virtuous woman".....I have read the Bible, The Quran (which I found very interesting) and even the Book of Mormon and each have me very conflicted about religion.  I'll elaborate on that another time.  Let's just say I believe in a higher power and I meditate daily, but the church rituals and the fact that some people who claim to be "christians" are some of the meanest people I've ever met (seriously) have me a little, strike that, a lot put off by attending church.
My Mama didn't change much at all to me when she started attending church.  She still did everything she used to do the way she used to do it.Nothing illegal of course, lol, I just mean she was still the same Mama.  I remember one day after I picked her up from the church after a conference meeting on a Saturday that she had to usher for.  When she got in the car looking very polished in her burgundy usher suit, white gloves in hand and hair of course on point, she said, "UGH! Them folks get on my nerves!"  As I pulled off, she told me to take her to get her beer.  When we pulled into the parking lot, as she was getting out of the car I said, "Ma, you not at least gonna take off your usher pin?"  She threw her hand up and said, "Whatever, some of them probably be in line in front of me."  LMAO!!!! I cracked up at that the whole way home.  She just smiled, she liked to make me laugh and she did do that often :)........
Now that's she's gone, church doesn't do ANYTHING for me anymore.  The first day I went back after her funeral was HORRIBLE....I just sat there looking at the spot where her casket was, tears flowing.  Then came the altar call, where the congregation goes to the altar to pray.  As soon as I fell to my knees, the tears fell even harder.  The Pastor came to pray for me, the nurses came to bring me Kleenex and oddly enough there was another woman kneeling right next to me crying just as hard for her own pain.  As I finally got myself together enough to get off my knees (something told me to remember my daughter was there seeing me do this), one of the missionary's came to try to help me back to my seat (which I didn't need)...as I told her I was alright and tried to pull my arm away from her, she held tighter and said, "You have to be strong for your grandmother."  I IMMEDIATELY felt heat on my neck (which happens when I'm really mad, lol).  I snatched my arm away from her and looked her dead in her eyes (no tears at this point) and said with MUCH anger, "GET OUT OF MY FACE!" She stood there looking dumb.  So I said again, "I MEAN IT! YOU BETTER GET OUT OF MY FACE NOW!"  Looking like a deer caught in the headlights, she turned and walked away.  I remember standing there watching her walk back to her seat until she sat down.  The Pastor noticed the exchange and came to me to see if I was alright.  I just said softly, almost to myself, "How dare she."  
As I think back, maybe I did over react.  Maybe I didn't have to be so angry about it....but at the time all I could think was, WTH did she think she was to tell me what I need to do?  Don't tell me how to grieve my Mama!  Don't tell me how or when to cry! I don't even know your NAME.  Don't even talk to me....well she doesn't talk to me at all any more, which is fine with me. lol............
I hadn't been to church in a while because of the spiritual "disconnect" I've had since my Mama is no longer there.  I really am starting to think I joined to give her peace or make her happy in her final days.  Maybe that's what the voice that told me to stand up at the altar that day was telling me, "Go on & make your Mama happy.  She doesn't have too much more time."......I went just this past Sunday because my Aunt couldn't take my Nana because she was sick.  I can't remember much about the sermon except Pastor quoted the song, "Grandma's Hands" which I found a little strange....I do remember feeling again, like I've wasted my time.  Church may be an avenue for some people and their spiritual journey.  But, I really don't know that it is mine....There are too many things about the church and their teachings that don't speak to me spiritually....I love to be on my knees in my room talking to God on my own.  That is when I feel my best.  Not when I'm sitting in a huge room with a bunch of people.  Now a lot of the people are VERY nice people, in fact there are quite a few that I really love.  I just don't feel the connection like I should when I sit there.  I don't think I have since she left.  I don't know if it was there when she was here or if I just had that feeling because she was in the room with me.....
This is not to say that I'll never attend church again.  Right now, I'll still go whenever my youngest wants to go....but, I think I'll just stick to what speaks to me spiritually right now and the church building is just not it...........

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.