I Guess I Did It........

This is just Mother's Day number two without her.  So many things have changed from the last Mother's Day to this one.  My life is different.  In many ways my love is different, but my heart is still the same.  It still wants her here to tell me what to do.  To listen to me speak about my troubles.  Not necessarily to offer advice, but just so I can say everything I'm feeling out loud and not be judged or worry about her telling someone else.
I said yesterday in the blink of an eye my feelings would change.  That happened all day today.  It was like someone turning on and off a light switch.  I would be ok until I would receive a notification on my phone that someone has posted "Happy Mother's Day" on my wall or someone would send me a text or an email saying those same words.  It hurts me to say them.  That may seem selfish or mean.  But, all day today it was a strain to get those three words out.  I don't even want to type them again.  I kept saying, "Same to you" whenever someone said them to me.
Even when my Aunt Shirley called, I couldn't say it to her.  Even though she's doesn't have children, she's like a mother to me and my cousins.  So, I used to always say the words to her.  One thing I so love about her is that she knows me.  She says I'm a lot like my parents in the way I think about things.  I guess she knew them well because she always knows the approach to take with me by just listening to my voice.  She didn't say those words to me.  I think she knew I didn't want to hear them.  I only said them really to my Nana out of obligation.
Let me clear this up....I'm not saying I didn't want any of the mothers I know to be happy today.  I want that for them everyday.  I just feel insincere when I'm "celebrating" this Hallmark holiday. The best part was my children's voices saying the three words to me and the PRETTY pendant my littlest one gave me.  It says "MAMA".  I love that she chose that word instead of mom or mother.  Because I always said Mama or Ma.  It shows that she pays attention to little things just like I do. I feel bad that she had to "pay attention" to her Mama's red eyes and puffy face and the fact that I was in bed for the better part of the day....But I do talk to her and try to help her understand that I'm hurting and this is my way of healing.  While it may not be the best way, it makes me feel a little better for a little while.  I know it will get better, maybe not easier....just better.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.