"I don't know how many stars there are. Up in the heavenly sky...."
I know I would like to think the brightest star I see when I look in the sky is my Mama looking over me. I don't know if she would be happy with me right now. She always would get upset when I cried or when I seemed to dwell on something I can't change. I can see/hear her now, throwing her had to the air jingling her bracelets (the ones like the one's I wear) and saying, "Ugh! Raven you gonna have to stop that!! You can't do nothing about it. So NOW WHAT?"
As a child or even as an adult, hearing that from her would be so frustrating. I'd clam up and not respond to what she was saying and then as the rebellious youngster and then the over confident adult who thought I knew everything. What I didn't know, I didn't want my Mama to teach me. #stubborn
Not too long ago, I was sitting working in the campaign office when two older ladies came in and sat and started talking.....Now since the office is relatively small, I could hear them trying to figure out what was the last name of one of my Mama's best friends. Not to butt myself into the conversation, I just sat and listened. Then I heard one of them say,
"Last time I saw her, she was with Marcella."
Other Lady: "Marcella who?"
First Lady: "Pretty Marcella. She came out with me and 1960."
Other Lady: "Yea, she was a cheerleader and she was really pretty."
That made me smile from ear to ear. I came from around my cubicle and told them that Marcella was my
mother. The one lady who I had been working with from the beginning slammed her hand hard on the desk and said....
"Dammit! I KNEW there was something about YOU!"
I said to her....
"I knew there was something about you too!!!"
And we just "laughed and laughed". She told me how cute my Mama & Auntie were as little kids (she was older than them).
But today, thinking about my Mama I want to "cry and cry". I continued to say to myself, that I would stop dwelling on these dates/days/milestones and just feel what I feel when I feel it. *s/o to roy ayers.* lol
I like the way some people are drawn to me and not intimidated by the fact that I don't smile for no reason and that my direct nature is by no means malicious. But, sometimes they go over the top with it. Or they think I don't know the difference between nosy and concerned?
One of the ladies today asked what I had planned for Mother's Day. When I told her nothing at all and tried to leave it at that....She kept asking, "You're not doing anything? What about the kids? They not doing anything for you." Instead of responding to the Spanish Inquisition I just feined that I was busy and moved around. But, honestly I was DEVASTATED that she wouldn't leave the subject alone and kept bothering me with it. Like she almost wanted me to break down (remember we talked about people who do this).
The day started out ok and just went down hill fast......So what am I doing? I'm going to crawl back under my covers and go to sleep. This month of May has already started off JANK for me. With Mother's day next Sunday and Mama's birthday on the 27th May kind of sucks for me. But, I really did try not to let it get me down this year. #toolate Just gonna sit and bawl my eyes out and wait for the Lord to tell me how to feel and when this pain will leave me. Maybe tomorrow I'll regroup and try not to let May take over me......
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