Losing but Winning....

I've been putting this one off for a few weeks...I know this is going to be emotional and may be a little bit of a downer for Christmas....I even started to wait a few hours to write. But, then again...why?

This is me, this blog is for me....I just let you all be nosy. LOL/JK.....

While I'm sitting here watching my Celts game I dvr'd, all these thoughts just came rushing in and I just had to sit back in my recliner & put them down. Besides, I already know the outcome of the game. My guys will lose by 2. :(

The past 3 years of my life people have been taken away from me left & right. These past 3 years of my life I have been taking myself away from people just the same....While at the same time CLINGING for dear LIFE to people I feel I NEED to be with me.

I lost my aunt, my Mama & one of my best friends in that order all within these 3 years. I've taken myself away from people & situations that have made me unhappy/unproductive and I'm clinging to the beautiful friendships/relationships I have now.

I almost lost one of those friendships a couple of weeks ago. I died a little inside when I heard what happened...but the friend in me knew what I heard wasn't my friend....that was NOT his spirit. I pray/meditate everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day....I pray for my family (note: in my eyes "family" & "relatives" are different...I pray for my FAMILY)....I pray for specific things for each of my children...I call each of their names as I pray....I call each of my friends' names when I pray for them.....I guess that's the detailed person I am making sure He knows exactly who I'm praying for...Even though I know He already knows. I truly feel that my specific prayer for my friend was a small part of the reason He didn't take him from me.

I've gained valuable friendships/relationships in these years as well. I feel the people in my life now know who I am and accept me for me. No questions/no qualms/no bullshit (pardon my French, lol)....

There is a peace about my life I've gained in the past 30 days that I haven't had in the past 30 years....and I LOVE it!!!

My oldest daughter blessed me beyond measure this morning with her Christmas gift to me....My mother loved to read...but she was a writer as well. (I guess that's where I get it from.) My daughter asked her to write a journal for her. When Mama passed I thought it was only appropriate that since she asked her to do it, that she get to keep the journal.

There was an entry on June 17, 2009 where my Mama wrote explaining why she left my father and apologizing for what she felt she "put me through" as a child.....the thing is, even though I may have had to grow up a little fast. I never loved my mother any less. I would have laid down my own life 2 years ago if the doctors would have told me it would have saved her. She was my HEART and I still feel a hole in it where she should be PHYSICALLY here with me. I know people always says, "She's with you." #blahblahblah....but the selfish only child who doesn't have a mother or father PHYSICALLY here with her. Doesn't want to hear all that.

When my baby, my first girl "doll", my "Shugga Pie" said to me, "Ma, that's your gift in that frame against the wall." and I turned it around and saw those pages & pictures in that frame. I burst immediately into tears. Sad, but good tears.....Hurt, but I'm going to be ok tears....I guess..........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.