Cryin' Everyone's Tears

"I'm cryin' everyone's tears...I have already paid for all my future sins..." This is how I felt a year ago today. I cried so much my tear ducts burned with every tear....Now, sitting here today as I think about that day that I have had nightmares about almost every day since. I'm a little numb.

I honestly think she would be so angry with me right now. I can feel her frowning at me sometimes. She has said to me so many times on different occasions, "You are a prize. You don't have to go through anything you don't want to." Now I sit here and think, "Do I 'want' to go through this. Is that what's going on with me?"

Sometimes, when I think about how things played out after she left me. I think I was "short changed" in the comfort department (cryin' everyone's tears). When I look back at everything, I was only supposed to be here for my children. If Desmond, Devin or Dylan didn't need me then that was time for ME. Instead that time went elsewhere. I am strong, I've always had to be strong. I am independent, I learned from my Mama how to do that. But, most of all I am human. People tend to see my strength and courage as a crutch for THEM. How does that work?!?!? Who will let me lean on them? I know my kids will, but that is NOT their responsibility. SHEEESH!

I talk to Mama EVERY NIGHT. And I promise you Mama, I HEAR WHAT YOU ARE TELLING ME. I have the information, I just have to follow through with it and that is the HARDEST part without you here to assist.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.