Hiatus.....

I've been gone more than a month from this blog.  Not because I didn't have anything to say or because I gave up on it.  Mainly because it kind of hurt too much to be here.
The month of May with Mother's Day, Mama's Birthday and even Memorial Day put me in a DEEP funk.  I was out of "myself" (for lack of a better way to put it).....
The beginning of the month was alright.  The election I was involved with went well and our candidate won! :)....Being busy helping with that took up the first week of the month and kept my mind occupied.  But right after was Mother's Day.....I think I handled it pretty well.  For it to be the second one without her, I didn't cry half as much as the first.  Although I did stay in bed all day. *shrug*
Then her birthday came on the 27th of the month.  Again, I didn't cry as much as the first year.....I even managed to smile.  I had just gotten the finishing touches put on the tattoo (something called a derma-piercing) and for some reason, that made me feel better.  I didn't even cry at that like I did when I first got her name tattooed on my shoulder.
The day that hurt me the most I think was Memorial Day.....Crazy ain't it?  I just really couldn't handle that day.  Not because I had gone out to the cemetery or anything like that. I don't believe in the yearly trip to clean off the plot.  People at the cemetery are paid to do that.  In my opinion, she's not there, so why should I be?  I think it was mainly because I knew this was the time we would celebrate her day.  It was mainly (to me) a holiday for her.  I barbecued like I do every year, even though it was just me and my youngest daughter, but the whole day seemed like slow motion to me.  I cried a lot, my stomach was in knots a lot.
For some reason, the month of June hasn't turned out any better for me.  The absolute BEST part was my daughter turning 16 and seeming to enjoy her day (and the J. Cole concert the week before, lol).  I feel lately, that their joy is really my joy.  I don't seem to have a lot of joy outside of them.  I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but right now it's keeping me going.
Father's day wasn't so bad.  I talked with and spent the day with people I love.  I cried a little, but it was ok.  I think most of my tears lately have been because I'm beginning to realize that "I'm the one".  The center of my little family.  I have to count on ME for everything, but I'm not sure if "ME" can handle "everything" (bad grammar intended, lol).....
Anywho, what I'm going to do for me, them and the others I love is weather the storm and keep my back strong and ride this whole thing called "Life" until the wheels fall off.  I can't say there will be no more tears, because sometimes I need that "mental cleansing"....But, I can say there will be no more letting my tears get the best of me and my joy.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Thinking........

This is all I've been doing lately. Thinking. Trying to make sure I'm making the right decisions for my life/love/future......I'm trying not to move too fast....or too slow. I know that life is short and it's definitely too short to let little things stress you or to let big things leave you.

I also know that when you look back on life and it's experiences some things/memories/AND PEOPLE in the past should stay in the past. Just because I've changed, I can't expect everyone to have changed. Just because I've changed for the better (which I feel I have). I have to realize that some people may have changed, but they may have changed for the WORSE.

Some people allow the past to alter them in a way that is detrimental to them and all around them. I chose not to be one of those people. I chose to learn from the past and not let it hinder my progress in the future. That is where my forgiving nature comes in.

I know some people may look back and remember some things that have happened to them and cringe at the thought of forgiveness. I can't lie, it may take time for me to forgive. But I DO FORGIVE. And not that phony type of forgiveness..."I forgive but I can't forget." If you have to say that before forgiving, then just forget it. Of COURSE you're not going to forget. All life experiences are part of your memory and some of them are ingrained there, never to be forgotten. However, you must look PAST the PAST.

That is what I've tried to do over these last few months. I know all is forgiven, but to let someone who I had to show so much forgiveness for back in took a lot. Then when you think about it, are some people really worthy or accepting of the invitation back into your life.

Sometimes yes, sometimes HELL NO! LBVS....But, who/what you decide to let come to your future is a decision only you can make. It's also a decision only YOU have to live with.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. ~ Peace

I Guess I Did It........

This is just Mother's Day number two without her.  So many things have changed from the last Mother's Day to this one.  My life is different.  In many ways my love is different, but my heart is still the same.  It still wants her here to tell me what to do.  To listen to me speak about my troubles.  Not necessarily to offer advice, but just so I can say everything I'm feeling out loud and not be judged or worry about her telling someone else.
I said yesterday in the blink of an eye my feelings would change.  That happened all day today.  It was like someone turning on and off a light switch.  I would be ok until I would receive a notification on my phone that someone has posted "Happy Mother's Day" on my wall or someone would send me a text or an email saying those same words.  It hurts me to say them.  That may seem selfish or mean.  But, all day today it was a strain to get those three words out.  I don't even want to type them again.  I kept saying, "Same to you" whenever someone said them to me.
Even when my Aunt Shirley called, I couldn't say it to her.  Even though she's doesn't have children, she's like a mother to me and my cousins.  So, I used to always say the words to her.  One thing I so love about her is that she knows me.  She says I'm a lot like my parents in the way I think about things.  I guess she knew them well because she always knows the approach to take with me by just listening to my voice.  She didn't say those words to me.  I think she knew I didn't want to hear them.  I only said them really to my Nana out of obligation.
Let me clear this up....I'm not saying I didn't want any of the mothers I know to be happy today.  I want that for them everyday.  I just feel insincere when I'm "celebrating" this Hallmark holiday. The best part was my children's voices saying the three words to me and the PRETTY pendant my littlest one gave me.  It says "MAMA".  I love that she chose that word instead of mom or mother.  Because I always said Mama or Ma.  It shows that she pays attention to little things just like I do. I feel bad that she had to "pay attention" to her Mama's red eyes and puffy face and the fact that I was in bed for the better part of the day....But I do talk to her and try to help her understand that I'm hurting and this is my way of healing.  While it may not be the best way, it makes me feel a little better for a little while.  I know it will get better, maybe not easier....just better.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

I Can Do It.....

Well, here comes another one.  Another day/milestone/memory.  I may as well get this blog done now.  I intended to do it tomorrow, but why wait.  Besides, I'm feeling pretty good right now. My team (Boston Celtics) just won a home game in the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals and I've got my "hair done, nails done, everything did" lol....because I'm going to celebrate my friends graduation.
Just because I feel good now, doesn't mean that within a blink of an eye I won't be a wreck again.  Yesterday was pretty stressful for all kinds of reasons, but I did it.  I have a great support system in my corner.  I think if they weren't here I would definitely fall to pieces.
Always in my corner accepting/ignoring/tolerating my mood swings and cries.  Sometimes saying nothing, sometimes saying too much.  Either way, in some sort of way it helps me know I'm not alone.  Even when I want to be alone, I know I'm not totally alone and that brings me all kinds of comfort.
I just for some reason still can't get past the symbolism of this month.  What it brings to me.  Heartache/abandon/loneliness.  She would say, "My birthday is in 20 days."  I would say, "And?" LOL....We would go to the buffet at the boat and then I would leave her there so she could get her gamble on.  I don't really like to play slots.  I feel if I put my money in a machine I should be getting candy, soda or a load of clothes washed. lbs  So I would leave her there and come back to pick her up when she was ready.  She usually broke even or won a little more than what she came with.  She was pretty lucky that way.
I just really want to lay in bed all day tomorrow.  In fact, that's what I plan to do.  Don't judge me, that's the way I cope.  It will help me.  If I lay there and cry, well...my Egyptian cotton sheets are used to it by now and pretty absorbent.  If I lay there and watch tv then so be it.  It is supposed to be my day, so I can do what I want or don't want.....RIGHT?
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

May-be Tomorrow

"I don't know how many stars there are.  Up in the heavenly sky...."

I know I would like to think the brightest star I see when I look in the sky is my Mama looking over me.  I don't know if she would be happy with me right now.  She always would get upset when I cried or when I seemed to dwell on something I can't change.  I can see/hear her now, throwing her had to the air jingling her bracelets (the ones like the one's I wear) and saying, "Ugh! Raven you gonna have to stop that!! You can't do nothing about it. So NOW WHAT?"

As a child or even as an adult, hearing that from her would be so frustrating.  I'd clam up and not respond to what she was saying and then as the rebellious youngster and then the over confident adult who thought I knew everything.  What I didn't know, I didn't want my Mama to teach me. #stubborn

Not too long ago, I was sitting working in the campaign office when two older ladies came in and sat and started talking.....Now since the office is relatively small, I could hear them trying to figure out what was the last name of one of my Mama's best friends.  Not to butt myself into the conversation, I just sat and listened.  Then I heard one of them say, 

"Last time I saw her, she was with Marcella."  

Other Lady: "Marcella who?"

First Lady:  "Pretty Marcella.  She came out with me and 1960."

Other Lady: "Yea, she was a cheerleader and she was really pretty."

That made me smile from ear to ear.  I came from around my cubicle and told them that Marcella was my 

mother.  The one lady who I had been working with from the beginning slammed her hand hard on the desk and said....

"Dammit! I KNEW there was something about YOU!"

I said to her....

"I knew there was something about you too!!!" 

And we just "laughed and laughed".  She told me how cute my Mama & Auntie were as little kids (she was older than them). 

But today, thinking about my Mama I want to "cry and cry".  I continued to say to myself, that I would stop dwelling on these dates/days/milestones and just feel what I feel when I feel it. *s/o to roy ayers.* lol

I like the way some people are drawn to me and not intimidated by the fact that I don't smile for no reason and that my direct nature is by no means malicious.  But, sometimes they go over the top with it.  Or they think I don't know the difference between nosy and concerned?

One of the ladies today asked what I had planned for Mother's Day.  When I told her nothing at all and tried to leave it at that....She kept asking, "You're not doing anything?  What about the kids?  They not doing anything for you."  Instead of responding to the Spanish Inquisition I just feined that I was busy and moved around.  But, honestly I was DEVASTATED that she wouldn't leave the subject alone and kept bothering me with it.  Like she almost wanted me to break down (remember we talked about people who do this).  

The day started out ok and just went down hill fast......So what am I doing?  I'm going to crawl back under my covers and go to sleep.  This month of May has already started off JANK for me.  With Mother's day next Sunday and Mama's birthday on the 27th May kind of sucks for me.  But, I really did try not to let it get me down this year. #toolate  Just gonna sit and bawl my eyes out and wait for the Lord to tell me how to feel and when this pain will leave me.  Maybe tomorrow I'll regroup and try not to let May take over me......

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Ain't Nobody Bad Like Me..........

Yes, here I go with my music again.  No secret to anyone that has come into any type of contact (even briefly) with me that I love Prince and anything/one he has anything to do with. LBS

One of the BEST times in my life that I can remember was when I went to see Prince's Musicology Concert Tour.  We were all on the shuttle bus headed from parking to the Allstate Arena and all of the sudden someone on the bus got notified on their cell phone that the opening act had started.  When he announced it, everyone on the bus was like, "Yea, ok.  So we'll miss some of the opening act."  Then he yelled out, "IT'S THE TIME!!!!" The bus was stuck in traffic and we weren't far from the entrance so everyone started rushing to the bus exits.  ME TOO!! It was BRUTAL waiting for the driver to open the doors so we could get out and rush into the arena. LOL

This song by The Time, while it's not one of my favorites by them (their slow jam Girl is my fav)....I think this song serves as an anthem for me. No arrogance intended.  #okmaybealittle :)

As an only child, I had to get used to people challenging me because they "thought" I would have no back up since I had no siblings.  I had to learn how to fight QUICK.  Mostly by trial and error (read: getting my ass kicked until I got it right, lol). The first thing I learned (which I think I acquired in Judo lessons), was to stay calm.  Your opponent is more thrown off when you seem cool and collected.  As I got older, I did forget these teachings and would scream/holler/curse......all to no avail.  Then as I got WISER, I went back to my initial method of just being "cool" *Morris Day voice*. 

I really couldn't hang with the hollering anyway.  When I yell either I get a headache or cry or both. So it really wasn't productive.  So, instead of yelling in an argument I speak softly and DIRECTLY making sure that I use words you can understand WITHOUT using profanity.  Weird ain't it? I have a FULL swear jar but  when I'm arguing with someone I won't swear. LOL Also, depending on how much you've pissed me off. I'll just keep saying I'm cool, because I really am. If I am pissed off to "the highest point of pisstivity" I won't say ONE WORD. #thenlookout

I can't say that I'm "slow to anger"....I still get FIRED up (especially about my babies).  But, I can say I speak slower and try to avoid the BLAZE! Cuz, I'm so...COOL :)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Interstate........

This is the day to celebrate the Resurrection of Christ.  While everyone got up this morning to don their Easter best and file into sanctuaries to listen to Easter speeches and sermons.  I fell on my knees in my favorite spot in my room to have a conversation with God.
It was a private conversation so I won't share with you the particulars, lol.  But, what I got out of it may be invaluable.  I rose to my feet with a new (but same) outlook on life.  I know that seems weird, how can it be new, but the same?  Well, if you don't know by now that I'm a little "unconventional".  Then you haven't been reading long at all. LBS
I've made many changes in my life within this past year.  I feel good about those changes, even though some close to me may not. Some of those changes have included letting people I put out of my life back in.  I've done that because if I want people to accept the fact that I have changed (and I used to be SOMETHING ELSE, LOL)...I need to accept the change in others.  To say I forgive you and still harp on something you did/said in the past IS NOT FORGIVING.  Since it's been slapped in my face that nothing lasts forever and life is too short.  I have chosen to live my life to the fullest.  Love who I love and not "hate" anyone.  Hate is a disease to me.  I can't say I'll "love" everyone.  That's unrealistic at best.  But I can chose who from my past I accept and forgive, who from my past will be a "non-factor" in my life (KLH, lol) , who from my present will I  bring with me to my future and who from my present I will just let exist with me in this time.
I think of it as a 4 lane highway.  Some will be with me in the carpool lane, the others will just be driving in the same (or different) direction and not getting to the destination as fast....the others will be getting off at the next exit.  To those of you carpooling with me, know that I LOVE YOU and there is NOTHING you can do about it. *Rev. Vaughn's voice* :)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Four & Twenty Blackbirds.......

The date 4/20 means a lot to me.  Not for the reasons you may think because I haven't smoked weed in YEARS. LBS.....However, for some reason, people tend not to believe me when I say that.  Maybe it's the locks in my hair or maybe it's my calm demeanor. *kanye shrug*
Don't get me wrong.  I don't see anything wrong with smoking marijuana.  I am one of the people who thinks it should be as legal as alcohol is.  Mainly because the affects of being under the influence of weed are less drastic as being drunk.....If you're drunk, you lose your faculties and control of your motor skills making you a danger to yourself AND those who may come in contact with you.....If you're high on weed, you want to eat and/or sleep. That makes you a danger to the refrigerator and your bed. LOL
I don't smoke weed, cigarettes or drink a lot of alcohol (I occasionally get my sip on, :) ).  I think laughter and love are my highs.  I crave those two things, when I have them I am elated.
The reason this date means so much to me.  Is for one, I was married on this date.  Nine years ago today, I became a "Mrs." for the first and possibly final time.  While I won't be "celebrating" this anniversary, I still can't act like I don't know what today is.  The other reason this day means a lot to me, is that it is the day I lost the first man who ever loved me.  Possibly the ONLY man who ever loved me unconditionally and wholly!
That phone call at 5:13am from my Daddy's long time girlfriend is ETCHED in my mind.  I forget/missplace/leave a lot of things and/or memories behind, but this is one of the few I'll never forget.  How some say, "Where were you when 9/11 happened."  To me it's....Where were you when 4/20 happened.  It's really weird to me, because I feel like exactly ONE YEAR before that fateful phone call I got up around that same time in the morning for me, my daughters and my mother to get ready to get our hair done and head to the church.  Now, I was on the phone wailing and heaving asking God to bring him back.
I accepted the fact that he wasn't able to walk me down the aisle like I had always wanted him too because he still wasn't ambulatory.  I felt I took all of that in stride.  I just made sure to give him a "shout out" on the wedding programs and keep it going.  I felt like since I had accepted all of that.  Why would God take him from me one year exactly to the date that his little girl's hand was given to another man?
Maybe it was God's way of helping me remember the date.  Especially since he knows I don't participate in the "Weed Day" festivities.....However, now I'm starting to think that he knew my life would change and I would need to remember it for a different reason from the one I did.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

The Moon.........

Being the private person I am, there a LOT'S of things many people don't know about me and I like it that way. One thing I didn't tell people (up until the other day), even if they would ask is my middle name.  Mainly because I don't like the way people mispronounce my name or always ask questions like "How did you get the name Raven?", "Did they name you after Raven-Simone?" (I'm old enough to be HER mother :( ) or the ever so annoying...."Is Raven your real name?"
So to tell people my middle name was never a thought because I didn't want the questions to even become MORE obscure or have them mispronounce it.  I think them saying it wrong is probably what would bother me most. #nitpicking :)
I don't really know why I'm like that.  Maybe because I was an English major.  But simple things like that make the hair on my neck stand.  Something like when someone mispronounces my daughters' names, Devin (they will say Divine or Devon) or for Dylan they will say (Die-lan) and this is even before they realize that they are girls. Since I did give them names that are commonly male, I don't mind when they say "he" instead of "her" but I do correct it.
The thought of someone butchering my middle name that my Mama thought so much of really irritates me.  So, I really never tell anyone what it is.  I stopped using my middle initial in my signature when I got married because to me Raven K. Cox didn't look right and the "cuh" sound from the K & C seemed redundant.
Now that Mama's gone, I want everything that was her and me back. So, I've started using my middle initial again.  
She told me that my middle name would have been my first name if she hadn't have lost the bet with my Daddy. LOL....Those two know they LOVED playing the odds. #cute
She also told me that she liked it because it was the last name of a lady she worked with at the telephone company.  She had to have been a very nice lady for my mother to even consider giving her only child her name.  My mother was very particular who she spent time or energy on.  (I get that from her.)
Now my Daddy chose my first name because he said the raven is one of the most beautiful and INTELLIGENT birds.  Yes, I had a head full of jet black hair and he had read the poems of Edgar Allan Poe.  But he said the fact the bird was so smart was what drew him to the name.
As I got older, I got used to my first name and began to like it.  I've always liked my middle name.  Especially when I looked it up and found it means, "Like the Moon".......

I think I am, like the moon.  Always moving, always changing, never appearing the same and standing silently..
"You'll always know the reason why, that song you heard will stay on your mind."

So for those who don't know or those who did and don't know how to pronounce it......

My full name is Raven Kamara Hall (Cox)
......Kamara is pronounced Ka-Ma-Ra...No long "a" sound.  The only long "a" sound in my name is in my first name Ra-ven.
So there you have it.  Here it is....Here I am.....Raven Kamara (aka Ann's Baby). :)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Glaze Me.....

"You scream I'm lazy. You must be crazy. Thought I was a doughnut, you tried to glaze me." <3 Rakim

I really think sometimes I think TOO MUCH.  I really get offended when I think someone is insulting my intelligence.  I don't like it one bit.  I ESPECIALLY don't like it when I can't really speak on it or let the person know I know they're full of shit. LBS
I'm finding it comfortable adjusting to the new changes in my life.  I know that I've done what's best for me and I know that this was the time to do something for ME instead of the usual living for other people.  I've lived for my kids (which I still do and will continue) and I've lived for my husband.  Now it's my time.  When I think about my life, the only person I didn't live for was my Mama....she lived for me.
I love to think about the little things she did for me.  How she ran my house for me when the Post Office had me away from home from sun up to sun down.  How I never worried, like I do now if everything was ok.   I never got a phone call from home unless it was her calling to tell me about some foolishness that happened, or that I needed to pick up something for her or just to talk.
I can not tell you how much I miss that long "Helllllooooo" she used to do.  For the past 11 almost 12 years I've committed to a relationship.  I've been part of a "team". My Mama and I were a team as well (Mama & Baby tag team, lol)...Now I'm back on my own and while I'm a little apprehensive (with good reason).  I know that this was the best decision for all involved.  Most of my apprehension comes from the fact that when I was single before, I always had my Mama and even my Daddy to help me through the hard times, when money got tight, when the kids got out of control or when I just needed to scream/cry/shout.
I miss the frustrated look she would give me when she KNEW I was going overboard with something and she was just waiting for me to shut up so she could tell me I was wrong.  (I would talk more to prolong hearing it, lol.)  I remember overhearing an argument when I was about 15 or 16 between her and my Nana when my Nana was telling her that I didn't do anything but lay around the house.  She told her, "That's a lie and you know it.  One thing my child is not is LAZY." :)
While I love nothing more than laying in my bed, she is right.  Lazy isn't my persona, I have a need to get things done.  I will get things done.  I will get through these obstacles to my happiness and persevere.  I am not a doughnut, can't be glazed. :)While I'm not where I want to be in terms of life/love/happiness.  I'm getting there by the grace of God and by the love of Mama (because I still FEEL her).

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Changes.........

I know it has been a while, but I've been really busy lately. I'm not at all complaining, because all these different projects have my mind occupied and have the potential to make my pockets ENORMOUS, lol.......I've had MUCH to talk about, but no time to put it down on paper (or blog, whatever).

When Twin and I first reconnected I immediately realized how much she LOVED politics. If you were a friend/acquaintance/facebook friend you were aware of her love of the political ins and outs. When Karen (candidate here for Mayor) first asked me to help her out I thought I'd do a "little something" here and there (not a lot). Then when I got a call from her husband asking to do more, I thought well.......I guess I can, Twin would like that. :)

Well, yesterday was the last day to register to vote. As I was taking voter registrations and absentee ballots out to the county building I ran into someone who knew my Mama. For the life of me I can't remember her name but I did remember my Mama never considered her a close friend. Sometimes when I see people I know in the street I purposely will avoid going in their direction just so I don't have to have the "phony exchange".....That awkward, "Hi, how are you? What have you/the kids been up to? Where do you stay now? yadda, yadda, etc..." I can't stand that phony crap. They don't care and I don't care, so why can't we just say, "hello" or *nod* when we see each other and keep it moving? That really works for me.

Well, since I don't really know her name, I'll just call her "nosy lady".....Well nosy lady asked me how I was, that was cool. I told her fine and she says, "ok, you can tell me that. I know you're not fine." *blank stare*.....Then for lack of another "ice breaking" question, she asks, "What are you doing up here?" I just leave it at, "dropping off paperwork". Then she notices my red shirt and says, "That's a pretty shirt. Red looks so nice with your skin tone." So my first response was, "My Mama tells me that a lot."....Then another question or rather a statement, "You carry yourself SO well. Such a lady."....My next response, "I get that from my Mama. She's a really classy lady. I'm not quite where she is, but I'm getting there. Plus, neither Mama nor Daddy would allow me to be any other way. lol"....Then she pauses and says, "You are speaking of them in present tense? That means...." Me, irritated now, "I know what present tense is. But I speak of them that way because as long as I AM they ARE."  So I won't use past tense when speaking of them because I don't want to change how I think of them. #simple

She stood looking dumbfounded, I guess plotting her next approach to get the desired reaction I THINK she was trying to get (me crying). I begged out of the conversation, saying I have to run....Then she wants to end the conversation with a hug.....Now I do like hugs (ESPECIALLY when it's my kids or someone else I love) but stranger hugs for no apparent reason bug me. LBVS

So as she halfway put her hands out for a hug, I said (very dryly), "Oh. No thanks." Before I could get a response/rebuttal I walked off.

It's amazing the changes some people want you to go through so they can watch and pity/ridicule/gossip about you. All in the name of Jesus. Because, 9 times out of 10, the people all up in the business and ready to gossip about something they know NOTHING about attend church services every Sunday. They probably are gossiping while they are supposed to be receiving the word. As an only or "sole/soul" child (stolen from Ti Glover, love it)....I am VERY particular about who I spend my time with, who I touch and especially who I tell my business too. If you fall into any of those categories with me, consider yourself VERY SPECIAL to me.

The nosy lady, is not at ALL special and doesn't deserve to be in my inner sanctum so her fained attempt at concern for my well being was an epic fail......Much love to my inner sanctum. #youknowwhoyouare

I thank and appreciate all who will read. ~ Peace

Let Go and .....Just Let Go!..........

I've only had a few REAL relationships in my lifetime.  Out of those relationships I've learned MORE THAN valuable life lessons.  I've learned what to do/say/feel/think and what NOT to do/say/feel/think.  At the end of the real relationships I've found that there is a common occurrence.  I LET GO AND DON'T LOOK BACK.....
That's always my way of coping or "getting over".....I've sulked and cried and moped, but never did I go back and say, let's try this again.  He would have to be the one to do that.  And on more than one occasion, I may have backtracked because he came back promising a change, but when the change didn't come....I'm out once again. *kanye shrug*
I don't think it's because I don't care about the relationship.  I know how hurt I was each time I had to let go.  I know how my heart would feel like it was sitting in the chair beside me instead of in my chest where it belongs.  I honestly think it's my stubborn "only child" thing.  I won't beg anyone to love me, I feel if you can't see for yourself the GOOD ASS woman I am, why should I waste my breathe? Someone else will come along who does.  Even if someone doesn't come along, oh well.  I was born & raised by myself and will die by myself. #bigwhoop LBS
I am SO amazed by people who feel the need to hold on to something that is OBVIOUSLY not there.  Sometimes there is no "going back"....Sometimes something is done/said/shown that there is no coming back from without the affected party throwing the transgression up later for spite.
I am also amazed by people who say they've "moved on" but continually berate/talk about/contact the party they "claim" to have moved on from.  I always feel that there is someone for everyone and that just because this person wasn't right for me doesn't mean he's not right for the next woman.  Why should I hold on to someone I don't want?  Why should I talk bad about him?  If  I don't want him, I should set him free to be with the next person.  Why be selfish?  That also applies to a man who hasn't done me wrong, but that I'm just not attracted to.  I'm sure everyone may have been in this situation at one time or another.....This person is VERY nice and by all intents and purposes you all should be a match, but the two of you just don't "click"....why "fake" it because he is who you "should" be with and not who you "want" to be with?  Life is TOO short to be unhappy or unsatisfied. (I've learned that the hard way over these three short years.)
I have seen relationships where one person claims to have let go, but REALLY hasn't....and are REALLY bitter about the break up.  It's really something for a soap opera.  It makes me sad (and somewhat irritated) to see one party is acting a fool, causing drama and bashing the other party all in the name of....."But, I'm done with his/her ass."  My favorite irritation is the woman who knows he has 12 kids and she has baby number 13 and then ALL OF THE SUDDEN he's a no good ass daddy.  Ummmm, HELLO did you not notice the relationship with the first dozen or so or the baby mama/'s....OH, I know....You thought you were DIFFERENT.  Your coochie was the sunshine that turned him into Ward Cleaver?!?!?!
Then it's the dude who finds his soulmate with a woman with 8 kids, 8 baby daddy's who's in the club every other day.  Then when he makes her wifey she has baby number 9 and makes him stay home with it while she goes BACK to the club to find baby daddy number 10....So dude, you thought you REALLY had the "magic stick" to turn her into June Cleaver?!?!?!
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttt!!!! *Clay Davis from The Wire voice* LOL
Swear if people would open their EYES before they open their pants, there would be less drama and controversy.  It's sometimes laughable to watch, sometimes sad when it goes to far.  Either way, I would plead for the injured party to LET GO of the bitterness/anger/hate.  If you say you're moving on DO THAT!!! I am telling you from personal experience...........LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!!!

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Hardly Ever...............

Laying in bed all day sick as a dog gave me lots of things to think/dream about.  I had a few dreams about teens I know being pregnant, couldn't place a face, they just kept calling me "Ms. Raven" (what most of my kid's friends call me).  I just know none of the faces belong to my teen.  I wonder if that means she could be the one I'm dreaming of, but I know that's not the case. (Just take my word on that, lol).  I had a few more dreams about insignificant things I can't really put a finger on.  But, what stood out most were my thoughts.  My thoughts of Mama and what she would be thinking/doing/saying right about now.
I know when I didn't feel well, even as an adult she would make me tea or a hot toddy (basically tea & whisky, lol).  I miss that oh so much.  At one point I even thought I felt her sitting at the foot of my bed asking me how I felt.  Maybe that was another one of my dreams.
So many things have happened that hardly ever happened while she was here.  I hardly ever got sick like this.  Allergies of course, but hardly ever a cold or flu even.  There's more drama than when she was here, that hardly ever occurred, because neither one of us would indulge or entertain it.  I'm not a fan of it now, it's just kind of "appearing" in my life.  One thing that's the same as when she was here, I won't indulge or entertain any of the nonsense that is trying to appear.  I remain "leery" of "suspect" individuals who say they mean me no harm or that they're trying to "help" me.  I can really help myself.  I've hardly ever needed someone to carry or do things for me, so I won't start now.
My Mama was always my support.  I knew that with WHATEVER she had my back and would look out for me and help me.  Now that she's gone I have to have my own back as well as look out for my children.  I wasn't prepared for this test of strength, but I did always excel at pop quizzes because I always paid attention.  I am so glad I paid attention to what my Mama was saying to me when she was here.  She was basically telling me what to do and how to do it now that she's not.  I appreciate her for that.............

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Phenomenal........

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.

I am definitely not a "people person", but I can hold an engaging conversation (when I want to, lol)....I'm more of a LISTENER than anything.  I've said before that I don't ask a lot of question.  But, I also don't tell my business or talk about myself much.  I let others do that for me.  LOL

I listen to people when they tell me how "laid back" I am.  True, I don't let a lot of things "get" to me.  I pretty much let the punches roll and the chips fall where they may when it comes to life.  You can't prevent the inevitable and no matter how hard you try, YOU CAN NOT CHANGE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF!!! So when it comes to adversity/drama/nonsense, I do tend to have a "cool" attitude.

I have also been told that I "carry myself well".  That Is more of a compliment to me than the cliched, "Your eyes are beautiful", "You have a pretty smile" or "Girl! YOU FINE". LMAO....The one "compliment" that throws me off is telling me I'm "Sexy".....What does that mean exactly?  Are you telling me I look like I'm "ready for sex"?  How can someone tell that by just looking at me? JK/CTHU

At this point in my life I have to focus on myself and my future.  I only have one baby left at home and SHE'S STRAIGHT, I GOT HER.  Now what about me?  What will happen to me if and when she is accepted to this school in the fall and has to be away from me?  I know one thing, I will work HARDER than I am now because I'll need extra cash (her new high school will be expensive).....but what about the rest?

There was only one time in my life when I questioned my worth, when my self esteem was at an ALL TIME low. I try not to think about that time because of how painful it was.  But a lot of times when I think back it helps me to focus.  It helps me know that I can do better, I deserve better, I AM BETTER.  Now comes the time when I expect others to know/realize/value my worth.  I seem to be getting overlooked/undervalued/misunderstood.....which is NEVER good.  My demeanor doesn't allow for me to do jumping jacks/cartwheels/handsprings in order to be noticed.  My level of self esteem makes it hard for me to understand why some under-estimate my worth.  My "matter of fact" way of speaking is & the fact that I can OVER EXPLAIN things, I feel, a clear indicator of my feelings and views.  

I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Yep, that's me.................Phenomenal, Focused and FIERCE!! :)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Who Indeed.............

When certain things happen in your life it can sometimes be hard to adjust to the change they cause.  It seems like you have be born again, because everything is different and new.  I've spoke often of the adjustments I've had to make over the past year and a half.
I consider myself a loner, mainly because I don't have a problem with being alone.  I grew up alone.....Sometimes when I'm with people I WANT TO BE ALONE.  LBS......I don't do "drop-ins" or "stop-bys" on people because I don't want them to do it to me.  I HATE THAT....and I don't use the word "hate" usually.  I'm using it now to express how much I dislike it.  I think it's rude.  One of the ladies from my church does it ALL THE TIME and it's freaking annoying.  Then when she does it and I say I'm busy or appear rushed, she will still talk like I haven't said anything........
Well, today I had more "company" than I like in my house.  My daughter was getting her hair braided, so it was the girl doing her hair and the girls boyfriend (I have no idea why she brought him or why he wanted to stay all  those hours while she was braiding. *kanye shrug*).  Then I had 2 drop-ins....Well, I'll say one and a half, since one of the drop-ins called and said they were turning the corner into my driveway. #ugh
I mean I'm hospitable, civil or what have you....but nevertheless it is irritating...UNLESS it is someone I really want to be around...like my kids, my man, my best friend.  The rest can beat it.  Now in the midst of all this in and out activity I felt so ALONE.  I had something heavy on my head and did not see one person (aside from my child) that I could confide in.  No one to tell my troubles to.....
Now you "religious" people who may read this, I know I can always tell God my problems....and yea, that's all fine and dandy, but sometimes you just want to say out loud how you feel so that you can get feedback/encouragement/support.
Sometimes you just want to speak out loud and let another person listen to what you are saying.  Sometimes you want their input....sometimes you want them to STFU.....
When I went through things and needed to "vent"....I always took it to my GIRL, my Mama....so what do I do now?  Who can I trust with all my problems? Who do I burden with my issues?  How do I continue to live  seemingly care free and relatively unscathed by things that would tear another woman to shreds?  I don't know how I do it now.....Back then I had my Mama who listened and fussed and sighed, but offered solutions when I asked or when I didn't .....So who do I have now?.................

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace

Last Breath........

I haven't wanted to post since Thursday (my therapy day :( ).....I've said before how irritated I get sometimes for having to go and how I will sit there for 45 minutes and not say anything or just text or play with my phone. #stubborn LOL
Well, this past Thursday my therapist kind of PISSED ME OFF.  She is the FOURTH one I've had, so I didn't really go off like I wanted to because I didn't want her to try to have me committed for being difficult. :)....But, I guess it is good that Psychology was my minor in college.  Because, I don't really get WTH therapists are good for sometimes.  If I wanted someone to ask me to answer questions, I'd go take a test. LBVS
She pissed me off because I REALLY think she was TRYING to make me cry.  I think I cry enough without some over-paid analyst to play, "Let's make tough girl cry"......
Here was her questioning:

Her: So did you think about your mom today?
Me:  Yea *with a "duh" in my voice*
Her:  What did you think about her?
Me:  I passed by an old friend of her's house and I thought I was going to tell her he asked about her last time I saw him.
Her:  Really?
Me: Yea *same "duh" in my voice* (I'm thinking WTF do you mean "Really?"  Why do I have to lie up in here? You can't tell anyone anything I say! #geesh)
Her:  When do you think you won't think about your mom?
Me:  WHEN I DON'T BREATHE ANYMORE!!! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT??

It was pretty much a wrap on our "session" after that.  Because I'm sure she could tell I was pissed.  But, seriously, I may have overreacted (just a little).....but I just couldn't fathom "not thinking" about her.  When I look in the mirror (especially when I put on my glasses) I SEE HER.
I never noticed that until after she left me.  People would always say, "You look like a darker version of your mom."  I would say, "Thank you" because I thought she was GORGEOUS, so that was a compliment....But, when she was here and I looked at her, I never saw my face.  I always saw her face in my youngest daughter (still do) and just a few days ago I saw a picture of my oldest daughter smiling and she looked just like her to me (my son looks like my Daddy).....
How can I not think about her when she was basically all I had for my WHOLE LIFE? Just me and her against the world.  Doing our thing through all our ups and downs/ins and outs.  For 6 of the last 8 years of her life she was a room away from me.  We were together EVERYDAY.  When she moved into her own home, we still were together AND on the phone EVERYDAY.  Now all of the sudden I can't pick up the phone, I can't run into a room and say, "Ma, guess what?" or just "Hey Mama."......................I can't just say, "Hey".........
I just really wanted to flip that damn desk over at the time.  I have no idea why that question (as dumb as it was) made me so angry....but the back of my neck was on FIRE cuz I was so mad......I just sat there quiet for the next few minutes until our time was up.  She said, "goodbye" and I didn't open my mouth because I know I would have said something mean. So I was actually looking out for her. LOL
A friend told me recently that someone told her, she needed to "get over" a loss in her life.  I thought it was bogus that someone would actually say something like that to her...especially considering all the losses she's had.  But sometimes people say stupid things....Sometimes you can ignore it....Sometimes you have to say WHAT THE HELL.........????

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Acknowledgement.............

Knowing yourself and the person you've become never means that everyone acknowledges your change.  I can readily admit when I was younger I was SOMETHING ELSE.  I did some things I'm not very proud of and I did some things I am VERY proud of.
That's all part of my GROWTH as a woman/mother/human being.....When I was younger I made life choices and love choices I would NEVER make being and knowing who I am today.
As a grown ass woman I've decided not to acknowledge or accept foolishness.  I can no longer be drawn in.  It is so easy for me know to turn off/tune out drama and nonsense.  It easily bores me and I immediately distance myself from the source.  That's my "only child" thing kicking in again....I don't mind being alone, so one less comrade/love won't kill me.
Even when I've distanced myself from drama, when it comes to me I can still be thrown off.  I'm grown and have changed, but I'm still HUMAN.  I just handle the punch to my "swag" a little different than the Rae of old would have.....The old me would argue/fuss/fight.........More of a reactionary.
Mature/grown ass me, will THINK hard before I strike....IF I strike at all.  This new thing that knocked me off my square yesterday only did so because it was SO uncharacteristic of this person.....But, I've learned not to let ANYTHING about ANYONE surprise me....Not even things about myself.
So while I've accepted the deceit, I haven't acknowledged it.....I don't think I will, I don't think it's necessary or productive.  I'm moving on with ME....Loving ME.....Trusting ME.....I'm a good/loving/kind person....I acknowledge that about ME.

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Ride or Die..........

People may say and have said many things about me....but there are a few things people may say about me that when/if you hear it, you can KNOW they're a damn lie.  Things like:

1.  She doesn't love her children

2.  She talks too much

3.  She's nosy

4.  She is DISLOYAL

5.  She's ugly.........LMAO, ok they can say that and they may not be lying.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and while I don't think I'm ugly, someone else may think I am.  (That's a whole other topic; "Do ugly people know they're ugly?" lol)

But seriously, #4....if someone came to you and told you, "Raven has no loyalty.  She's never has anyone's back."  Please, for me, tell them to GTFOHWTBS......

I consider myself a "ride or die" type of woman.  If you're my friend, my family or my man....if you hold any of those titles in my life, WE'RE STRAIGHT! I GOT YOU!!! LBVS

Especially, if your name starts with a "D" and I tell you damn near EVERY DAY how much I love you.  ESPECIALLY if I carried you in my stomach for 7 1/2 to 9 months (my baby boy was kinda anxious to arrive, lol)......

Now the type of loyalty I have, I don't expect people to reciprocate.  I'm a little extra with mine, so I understand if someone else can't be as down as I am.  I have to remember my Mama's words, "Everyone does NOT think like you Raven."  

I say I'm extra, because I feel if you hurt someone I love....I don't care WHO you are, I'm not pleased with you a bit.  Not to the grade school/high school stuff like, "you can't be her friend cuz I'm not her friend".  I may not get in the middle of your beef with my loved one, but you can put your money on whose side I'm on. RIGHT OR WRONG.

I mean that too.  I will roll with someone I love even if they are wrong as two left shoes.....I will tell them, "Now you know you're wrong as hell.  But I'm with you.".......

It doesn't necessarily mean that if you have a problem with someone I love we will have beef.  I will be civil/polite/congenial even, but you will NEVER have the loyalty/love/respect I give my loved one.  You also, will know not to speak ill or otherwise about that person in my presence.  I may not tell you that verbatim, but if you're smart you'll already know this.  If you're not so smart and I have to tell you to not to speak about my loved one, then you can consider your self READ. LOL

I had to develop my loyalty the hard way.  When I was younger, I gave my loyalty to some of the wrong people.  But, I also gave it to some of the right people who are still very deserving of it today (lifelong loves/family/friends).....I had a friend my Mama ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT STAND.  She always told me that this person was a snake, was jealous of me and never had my best interest at heart.  However, my Mama let her come by the house, let me hang out with her and was cordial to her when she saw her.  She was right about her, of course, lol...but I had to find that out on my own and the HARD way....That's how I learned how to handle people who were cancers to my loved ones, by watching her.  I think it has worked out well for me,  I have good friends and just recently let go of a not so good friend without incident.  If I do have enemies, they don't affect me, because I don't acknowledge them.....

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Falling/Failing...............

It's so funny how things/feelings/attitudes can change in a blink of an eye.  I know some people that I tend to think are bi-polar (clinically...and I'm serious).  I avoid them at all cost.  I deal with my own issues trying to kick this "depression" I'm in.  So I have no desire to take on anyone else's "thang".  I don't think I actually could if I wanted to.
I tend to be drawn to people I think will "save" me.  That's the selfish part of me.  Looking for someone to do something for me before I determine whether or not I can be a help to them or if we can help EACH OTHER.  This is nothing that I'm proud of or seriously TRY to do.  I think I mainly do it because I like a certain "kind" of person around me.  Someone who reminds me of my mother or my father or myself.  Because I REALLY like those people. :)
The problem with the people I'm drawn to is that they may not be drawn to me in the same way.  They may not want my friendship, companionship or love.  Sometimes that breaks my heart, because I think, "Who couldn't love this face?" LMAO....Seriously, when I find someone I feel drawn to it's like a love at first sight.  I feel I know them and 99% of the time I'm right about our compatibility.  The problem comes when they aren't sure how to read me.  Or they read me the wrong way.  I think I would prefer you not know how to take me than to take my actions or words the wrong way.  Not understanding is much easier to address than a complete miscommunication.
I'll be the first to say sometimes I'm an OVER-ANALYZER....yet another character flaw. #human....I also sometimes need things to be "Broken down for me like I'm a five year old." *Denzel in Philadelphia voice*....I can't stand miscommunication, so in order to get a clear understanding, I need a breakdown/outline/game plan..........The game changes so quick, I'm not keeping up.  I'm failing.....I hate to fail. :(

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Bitter/Better.........

I think my therapy appointments exhaust me more than anything.  More than "help" me, they make me tired.  Sometimes they seem like the LONGEST 45 minutes of my life.  Just sitting there being over and/or under analyzed......Last time I was there I told her that sometimes I don't want to "talk" about feelings....I just want to FEEL......I want to feel like the person I was before.  Before my Mama left me, before my Daddy left me take me back about 12 years and I'm good.
Very unrealistic and not gonna happen I know.  But, I think on who that person was and I think she was good and HAPPY.
I want to be her with the wisdom and peace of mind I have now.  I'm not NEARLY as hot-headed as her back then....While I can still be a hot-head, lol.....
I think more than I did back then.....I think BETTER than I did back then.
I love more than I did back then ....I love BETTER than I did back then.
I pray more than I did back then....I pray BETTER than I did back then.
While I feel I was a good person back then.....I feel I am a BETTER person now. It's easier for me to let go of things that aren't good for me now than it was back then.  Not saying I always want to let it go, just that it's easier.  It's also easier for me to identify toxic situations/relationships.  Back then I tried (too hard I think) to see the good in people or to make excuses for their behavior.
Now I feel it's time for people to see AND ACCEPT the good in me.  To take what I am for what I am...not for what you can make me to be or get from me.  When I'm on your team there is NOTHING you can't get from me, if I have it it's yours.....there is no need to be afraid to ask.  Because I'm the kind of person, if I don't want to do something....I WON'T. LBS
I am not the one to hold a grudge or bring up something that happened in the past.  Because I don't want it done to me.....A while back a "friend" of mine called me to tell me they saw an ex of mine, then proceeded to tell me what he had to say about me.  What he had to say didn't affect me because I knew he was bitter....What DID affect me was that this "friend/sister" of mine felt it was necessary to tell me......
I'm a proponent of not saying something to someone that may hurt their feelings.  ESPECIALLY if it's someone you care for.  Unless it's necessary for them to know, why bother.  Also, if I am your friend...why are you even entertaining him bashing me??? #hmmmmm
When taking all of this into consideration, I just had to realize that she is just as bitter towards me as he is....she just hid it well because she wasn't ready to let go of our friendship (or whatever it was, lol).  That's unfortunate and fortunate for her.  Unfortunate, because her bitterness lost a genuine friendship for her.  Fortunate, because had I been THAT Raven....the Raven from back THEN.....Man!!!! I would've brought up all kinds of stuff that would've possibly brought her to tears.....But, I'm BETTER than that....Eventually she will realize....SO IS SHE.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.