What is meant.........

I've said throughout this blog that I offer no apologies for what I say because even though it's posted for the WORLD to see, I'm doing it for ME...."No apologies" however, doesn't mean I won't offer clarification (from time to time)...I mean I try to make my writing as plain as I can, but I do understand when something I may say/do is misinterpreted or unclear.

A friend asked why I always say I don't care whether or not I have friends or that I will survive.  I didn't mean to put it out that way.  I do care about having friends.  The friends I can truly call friend are EXTREMELY important to me.  However, they don't give me LIFE. 

What I mean when I say that is I NEED life to live.  In my way of thinking, I NEED my children.  No matter where they are or what we go through as a family, they are my LIFE.  At this point in my life aside from them, all other things/people are WANTS. 
I "want" resolution in my marriage, I "want" to have someone to hang out with and have a good time with, I "want" my business to flourish and last, but not least I WANT TO BE HAPPY.  I don't know if I am totally deserving of true happiness, but I know that I WANT it. --- I'll clarify that last statement another time.
I'm not sure how many people who will read this have ever lost BOTH of their parents.  Or who that will read was an only child.  Or who that will read was VERY dependent on their Mom and actually considered their Dad to be all powerful.  I did all of that and more with my parents.  I wasn't realistic at all when it came to their lives and tried not to ever consider them not being here for me.  Even when my Daddy was in that nursing home, that I KNEW he didn't want to be in, that I KNEW made him feel vulnerable and defeated, but that I KNEW was the best place for him to be.  The entire year and three months he was there being fed, bathed, poked and prodded.  My unrealistic, selfish self never thought he would leave me.  Then just last year to have my Mama leave me which seemed to be in a blink of an eye, I felt like....OK RAE, IT'S JUST YOU!! Let's TRY to do this.
I've had supportive friends around me the whole time, letting me know that they're around when I need them...I love and appreciate that...but what I feel I NEED, they can't supply.  What I feel I NEED, I would give all of them up in a SECOND for.  I feel I NEED my Mama...can't help with that, then I don't NEED you. It's really just that simple right now to me. 
I'm not trying to push anyone away, I just need to take care of me and mine and not worry about them and theirs.  So, I don't.  Not to say mine is anymore important than theirs....it's just that after you lose the two MOST important people of your life, of your being...then you look around and someone who can NEVER take their place is acting like it's all that for them you just have to step back and say, "You know what? It's really whatever....Do you, I'm straight."  If they don't understand where I'm coming from with that, then they probably weren't worth my time to begin with. 
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace