Two Down, Forever to go.....

Christmas number two....it's over, I did it. Again...
This Christmas is even more different than the first without her because drastic, but necessary changes have been made.  It's even more different, but still hurts A LOT.  Actually though, I only cried once.  Big improvement from last year when it seem like everytime I took a step, I cried a river.  We got through the blessing of the food (Desmond did a good job) and I held it together when last year I had to leave the table.  I looked at the food (which seems like it took me ALL DAY to prepare) and I know every single thing I cooked she would have liked.  From the lasagna (which I said earlier she loved) down to the biscuits.
I kind of kept watching my youngest as she ate, she is the one of my children that looks most like my mother to me.  She eats the most like her too.  I look at my life now and wonder what my Mama would tell me now.  What would we talk about over the dinner table.  I know what she would have said about yesterday's events.  She would have said, "You let that go to long."  Because a lot of times to avoid a big "thing" I let things kind of ride.  Which is what I did yesterday.  I let her talk and talk and call and call until finally the levy BROKE.  Now that I think about it, recently another person told me that I hold a lot of things in until I blow up.  I really need to work on that, because I'm telling you, when I blow up....I mean really, when I blow up...It's really nothing nice and I take NO PRISONERS.....
What else would we talk about?  What else would she say? Not really sure, can't really say.  Mainly because most of the things I feel I need to talk to her about would not be affecting me if she were here.  I do know she would have loved the lasagna and the spinach salad with scallops.  I do know she would have laughed with me at those crazy kids talking about how they use gift cards at the club and how they were thinking the "state line" was one liquor store rather than actually the STATE LINE!! I also know she would have wanted to know how I felt about the new direction my life is going in....I would probably just tell her that I'm apprehensive but confident that everything will turn out for the best and how it is supposed to.  I know she would be in my corner....I know she IS in my corner. I've always been fortunate in that respect I know.  To have both of my parents OBVIOUSLY love me so.  Maybe that's why it's so difficult sometimes not to cry.  Because, when I think about how I am loved by different people in my life, NOT ONE PERSON can remotely touch that love they had for me.  That love I saw when they would smile at me.  The love in his voice when my Daddy said, "Hello Baby".  The love in her eyes when she would see me wear something she thought was cute or we would tease each other about who was really whose mother (she always thought I was bossy).  And when you think about it, I guess no one else's love is supposed to be like that.  They are two people who are unique to my life and my being, so of course their feelings for me and their love would be one of a kind.....

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace