Just Ann

Today was like any other day. I thought about my Mama a lot. I had housework to do that I would've done on Saturday but couldn't and I thought about how when we cleaned our house on the weekends we listened to music the whole time we cleaned. Natalie Cole was one of her favorites. She would sing along, VERY OFF KEY, to this song all the time.
Now, I never asked if she loved the song so much because her name was in it (sort of like I love the part in Jezebel when Sade sings "with a Raven in her eye...)...Her name was Marcella Ann, she did not like Marcella so everyone called her Ann and Ann was on all of her documents (passport, state ID, social security card, etc.) The only piece of documentation that listed Marcella as her first name is her birth certificate.....I kind of just assumed that was one reason she liked it even though she never let anyone call her Annie Mae.
I really believe my Mama's life was kind of like this song. She never spoke of her childhood besides little funny stories that were tied into events we may have been having at the time. "Growing up wasn't easy for Annie Mae. A little girl in a great big world....." I'm sure the prostitution aspect of this song had nothing to do with her, but the "little girl in a great big world" I do think was her. She had a strained (to say the least) relationship with her own mother, my Nana. I think her feelings were warranted because my Nana can be very difficult at times. Wait, that was sugar-coating and I'm not doing that here.....My Nana was REALLY mean. She never really had anything nice to say to or about my mother. That really affects my relationship with her as well. I mean I love her and I would do anything for her, but when Mama was here and even now that she's not....My love for Mama trumped any loyalties to her mother. I regret that my mother never had the type of mother I did. But, at the same time I feel if she never had that type of mom, it wouldn't have taught her how to be a better mom to me. And for that I am grateful. Mainly because I'm not sure if I was deserving. Not to say my Mama wasn't flawed, we all are but I'm thankful for the flawed/beautiful/smart/kind person she was.
I have a lot to thank my mother for, I just wish she was here so I could thank her in person....I thank her for first off, giving me life (obvious). I thank her for loving me despite the ROTTEN ASS brat I was at times. I thank her for never judging me when I made decisions I know she didn't like. I even thank her for something as simple as teaching me how to clean (I mean really clean)....We may not have had a lot of expensive stuff in our house, but it was always clean. To this day, nothing makes me feel as good as when my house is clean, top to bottom. Simple things really mean so much to me.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace