Thinking.............

"I can't help but feel you all around me, even in my darkest hour. You bring peace of mind, you bring joy to my soul........."
When my Mama was first admitted to the hospital on October 29, 2009 I looked through my cd's while sitting in my car getting ready to ride home and found Ledisi's cd. I initially put it in the player to listen to track number 5, "In the morning"...I skipped over it and found this track. I had heard it before and thought it was nice, just didn't know how NICE and how poignant it would be to me.
When you first hear it, you can assume it is a love song to her man...it can also be considered a prayer...I decided it was for my Mama. I guess I'm like anyone else (or maybe not) that when I find a song I like I play it over and over. That's how I did this song. It took me days, maybe weeks for the tears not to flow when I played it.
Mind you , I started playing it when Mama was first admitted to the hospital. At this point, I wasn't even remotely imagining the worse, but I still cried as I played this song. I think that's because in the car was the only place at that time I could cry and not worry about being strong for someone else. So you can best believe my Honda has had LOTS AND LOTS of tears dried up on the seats. It has been my own personal 'fortress of solitude'.
As this second holiday comes I am so not feeling any type of Christmas spirit. Once again, just like last year, I'm going through the motions....wanting it to hurry up and pass. I can't get the energy up to get out and do this Christmas shopping, don't really know what I should get or for who (outside of my kids). For the second Christmas in a row I've had this small artificial tree and that is REALLY out of character for me. I didn't buy the artificial tree that I have, it was in my Mama's garage, still in the box and when I saw it, I said, "Well, I don't have to worry about a getting a tree." I know people who know me thought that was out of character because the last time I "had" to have an artificial tree because I lived in an apartment, I couldn't stand it. I used to say, Christmas wasn't Christmas with out the Christmas tree smell in the house.
I haven't felt that way these past two Christmases that I've had to spend without my Mama. I'm feeling that as long as the tree is up, I've got that one ritual out of the way. Who cares if it looks like it can fit in my pocket. It's just a place to put gifts and HONESTLY once Dylan's grown and gone I won't even bother with a Christmas tree AT ALL. This holiday just isn't the same for me anymore. You would think as long as you have kids, you would always enjoy giving at Christmas. But, it wasn't until Mama left me that I realized that her gift was the one I enjoyed giving the most.
The last Christmas gift I gave her were her pearl and diamond earrings. The Christmas before that I had given her a three strand pearl necklace so the earrings were bought to match that. Even if she had gone with me to pick out her own gift, she always wanted it wrapped and put under the tree. Even though she already knew what it was. :)
Last Christmas I had planned months before that I was going to get her a jewelry armoire..I saw one at JC Penney that was the same wood as her bedroom set and had enough room for all her jewelry. I was looking at it as I sat waiting in the emergency room with her for a bed. Of course, we all know I never got to give her that armoire. Every time I see one now, I get sad/upset/mad.....even today.
Now as I look into this Christmas, I see the Kindle (or EReader)....I would have DEFINITELY got her one of those because my Mama LOVED READING...and now since I know she'll never be able to enjoy one, like I know she would have. I'm sad/upset/mad all over again. Maybe one day Christmas won't vex me so much.....maybe I'll look forward to it again....maybe I won't get irritated or uncomfortable when someone excitedly tells me "Happy Holidays"....maybe.
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.