Gathering........

I just got in from the Christmas Party for our Federated Colored Women's Club.  I can not tell you how much I DID NOT want to go.  It is my responsibility as president of the Rain or Shine chapter to attend so I was there.  It is always a nice time, I just don't feel like being around a bunch of people who are happy to see the holidays approach.....
I really like my club and am proud to be one of the presidents because the Federated Colored Women's Clubs were established before there were sororities for black women to join and Mary McLeod Bethune was our first national president in 1909.....I like the history of the club and even the women....I just can't do these functions sometimes....
The women, who all new my Mama and are around her age or older are very nurturing.  At times TOO nurturing.  Sometimes I don't like to be touched and they like to touch & rub A LOT! Also, they like to bring up my Mama (because she was president before me) and how proud she would be to see me step in and take over where she left off....I HATE THAT SHE "LEFT OFF" SO I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT EVERY TIME WE'RE TOGETHER....
Today, Mrs. Preston decided to tell everyone there the "history" of my family within the club.  The fact that my Mama belonged to the club with her sister (my aunt) and how close she & my aunt were.  The fact that Mama left me last year and my aunt left the year before that and that I'm left here.  She didn't quite say it in that way, but that's what I heard.  I felt like she was talking FOREVER even though it may have just be two or three minutes. When she finished I felt physically DRAINED....seriously.  I didn't cry like I usually do when they put me on the spot like that, maybe because I was kind of pissed that she did it, again.  But, I know she meant no harm so it's ok.
I just kind of hate when people assume it's ok for them to make me "feel"....what if I didn't want to talk about her at that point?  What if I didn't want to talk about her in front of all of those people? What if I just wanted to have a good time without that tear-jerker moment?  I mean it was SOOOO frustrating because I could feel all eyes on me...I could feel some of them with pity, some with concern, some just being nosey....
I just wanted to say to all of them...I have this! Well, actually I don't, but I wouldn't want them to know that.  I want them to know that I don't need pity or sympathy what I need is MAMA...Well, that's what I "want"....I really want people to just let me gather my own thoughts and feelings when I'm ready and not try to push things on me.....SPACE PLEASE!

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.