Fatigue

I really thought I had gotten over this.  At one point last summer I would spend ALL DAY in bed, only getting up to use the rest room.  Not even to eat.  That was when the weight loss happened.  I have always had a "smaller frame", but now I weigh less than I did when I was in my twenties.
My appetite is back (ate like half a cheesecake today, lol), but all the other signs are still the same.  I sleep, then I don't sleep....When I wake from my sleep I'm still tired.  Tired to the point where I can barely keep my eyes open. Actually, I'm trying to force my eyes open to write this now....
I thought the rough patch was over.  I'm doing everything they told me to do, so why aren't I getting better? Why isn't this any easier? I guess to get that answer  I must follow my own words to a friend, I said that "the pain never stops if you ever loved..."  and I know I LOVED....My Mama was my GIRL!!!  So, the pain is still there and it is OVERWHELMING to say the least....
So, to deal with it, I go to bed.  I LOVE my bed, it is so comfy and FULL OF PILLOWS like I like it so that makes it that much easier to just stay there all day.  I have to make myself do things I know I need to do.  I need to write things down to make sure they get done (I think I had to do that anyway though).....
I'm not really someone who likes to talk on the phone all the time.  I don't really call someone just to chat.  If I call I have something to say or ask and after I've done that, I'm really ready to hang up.  I understand people wanting to contact me or me to call them so they know I'm alright, but I would prefer that they ask me to call them if I'm NOT alright.  I still may not do it , but the likely-hood of me making a phone call to talk about how I feel, how I hurt, how I can't sleep, how irritable I get, how anxious I get, is really slim to none.  I mean seriously, I'm PAYING someone to listen to me talk about that stuff and sometimes when I sit there I DON'T TALK.
 I know if I don't call my Nana, if I don't call my Aunt Shirley, if I don't call Pat, if I don't call so and so...they will call me and have that pity in their voice that just goes through me like a chill and say something like, "I was just checking on you."  Well, actually the only one that WON'T say anything like that is my Aunt Shirley.  She's my Daddy's little sister (the last sibling living), I think she actually does understand because she just calls to talk about me and the kids...but, even sometimes I don't want to do that. I also can't stand the pressure of someone saying what I "need" to do.  You need to go out, you need to be with someone for the New Year, you need to have fun....How about I decide what I "need"? I'm going to be "ringing in" year number two without her and I don't want to do anything  special accept lay in my comfy bed and sleep until the next day comes.  It's not that we used to spend New Year's together all the time (although she was one of my first midnight calls), it's just that I'm here to see another year, another milestone for her grandchildren, another year of whatever may come.  I just wish she was here to see it with me. Yes, I'm being selfish again :)...........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace