On My Meds...............

Here I go again, on NO SLEEP.....sitting here, laptop on my lap, music channel playing, comfy night gown, WIDE AWAKE like I just had my 2nd cup of coffee.  I don't want to be awake, but I don't want to sleep.  I have shut everything off and just sat in the dark, but that wasn't productive either.  I just sat trying to "imagine what silence looks like" (Prince reference, lol).....

Sometimes sleep can be the best feeling in the world.  Your body AND mind need sleep in order to function properly.  Does my lack of sleep affect my decision making?  Maybe it does.  I know my body is tired and achy but I thought, up until this point, my mind was still sharp.  I could be wrong.....but, going over some of my thoughts in the past few days since sleep has been eluding me....maybe I am thinking TOO much outside of the box.  Maybe I should reel it in just a little.

What I can say is that my appetite didn't leave like it did before.  That's a blessing because I was JUST getting my weight back up.  The first couple of days I didn't eat or at least I don't remember if I did.  Another thing I can say is that I've laughed a lot more than before.  When my Mama left me I couldn't find one thing funny.  I think I even resented others laughing around me.  But, even in the sanctuary when I was bawling my eyes out, I heard through my cries someone say how Twin would "cuss someone out if you needed her to."  I still cried, but I laughed at the same time, because it was funny and TRUE AS HELL!  LOL.....

It was good to talk about the things she would say and what she would've said if she knew they were gonna bury her in the suit they did....I really don't even think those were her clothes. LBS...(didn't look like something she would wear)......When I got to the funeral home with Gen & Nikki, I walked through the sea of people (there were so many).  I saw faces I remembered and stopped to quickly give hugs.  But for some reason I felt myself being "pulled" toward her, I wanted to see her, stand near her.  As people saw me walk in they wanted to hug me or talk to me and I understood all of that....I wasn't trying to be rude, but I didn't want to do ONE THING until I got to the front of that room to lay eyes on her for what had to be the last time.

It's weird, because you know you're just looking at a "shell" or a "vessel" and that person's spirit/soul is no longer there.  They no longer "exist", but I FELT her....as I stood there looking at her and not speaking I FELT her.  As if she was saying, "Why are all these nigs running around me? I need to step outside for a second, for real." #nodoubttosmoke LOL.....

What I love about my memories of her is the laughter.  She could make your stomach hurt with the things she would say and more importantly, HOW she would say them....That is what I will miss the most.  I do have other friends that are funny and can make me laugh like crazy.  Like Gen when she screams "TAMALAY" for no apparent reason. #thatticklesme..Keith with his dry wit & when he says the most OFF THE WALL things that you may "think" but never dare say..or Lisa when she says something and says she's being "immature" when she's really just being as crazy as the rest of us...or Nikki, when she's being silly and being expressive with those big eyes...or even funnier, Kelly with her "I don't give a fuck what I say" attitude....All of them keep me in stitches and one of the main reasons I love their friendship is because of the laughs.

It is often said that laughter is the best medicine.  I see that to be true remembering the laughs Twin gave me is much help to me.  It doesn't help me sleep, but it helps me to laugh instead of cry................

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.