Save the Date...........

My 43rd birthday is only a month away....Last year I spent my 42nd on the couch in tears, I mean buckets of tears....That was my first birthday without her.......
When I talk about that birthday, I think about the days leading up to it.  Those days include my oldest daughter's 21st birthday.  Another milestone my Mama missed.  It was her first birthday without her Gigi and I knew it would be hard for her.  I wanted to spend it with her so my youngest and I headed down to Indy to be with her. She seemed to have a good time and I was glad, I always want my children happy.  I really didn't even realize then that a couple of days later would be my birthday at that time I didn't care, I was enjoying hers.
Now, in exactly one month from today, I will bring in my 2nd birthday without my girl/first best friend/confidante. I'm stronger than I was last year about this same time, I look forward to it more.  I am hoping to celebrate this time instead of spending it on the couch with my tears.  But, I have to take everything day to day because I never know how I will feel when I wake up.
One of my good friends was having a birthday party that I was looking forward to going to last week.  Up until it was time for me to get dressed I was fine, then out of the blue a memory was triggered and the tears flowed like rain.  I couldn't bring myself to leave the house or my bed......
It's not that we ever really did anything special together on my birthday...Maybe did dinner or something like that....It is just the thought that she was there, right there to smile at me the way she did and tell me "Happy Birthday Darling" in that voice of hers.....People always say, "she's here with you" to comfort me and I get that...It's just not what I want......
I want to physically SEE her, FEEL her, SMELL her, TOUCH her....That "she's here in spirit" thing is all well and good.  That part I can accept.  I just can't accept the physical presence being gone.  I can, but I don't WANT to....But, I WILL.......
I will for me. I will for my children and I will for my Mama....Because I know she's about sick of me right now............LOL

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace