Going back over this past week I still feel like it is all a dream. Like I will wake up and none of this has happened. Going through postings, messages and phone calls ready to press delete but can't.
Thinking of things that were said and done over this past week and realizing AGAIN how some people do/say the DUMBEST SHIT in situations like this. Sometimes you can attribute it to nervousness/ignorance/evilness....sometimes you don't make excuses for it, you just move on from it.
There is a person who has been a part of my life for a number of years that I have been making excuses for and now I know it's time to stop. Their unhappiness is starting to consume ME and I am allowing it to happen and that has to end.
Holding a grudge has never been my thing. Once I say I'm over something I am. Once I've forgiven I've done just that. I never believe in throwing someone's mistakes up in their face. No good comes of that. Besides that, if you continue to bring up how someone has hurt you, doesn't that bring the hurt back to you? #duh.....
I also don't believe in baiting people. If I have something to say I will say it. If something bothers me, I will either meditate on it and let it go or I will address it and try to clear it up. It just depends if I care enough about the person to be bothered.
That's my issue now. Do I care enough? I really don't think I do. I have had this friendship for a long time and lately it has become more STRESSFUL than a comfort to me. We're definitely not on the same page when it comes to ANYTHING (child rearing, relationships, lifestyles, etc). Not at all like me and Twin.
I began to think I needed to keep this friend because Twin is gone.....but that's ridiculous, because NO ONE can replace her role in my life or fill in that void. I think she would say, "Girl, let that shit go. That just doesn't make any sense to me." It really doesn't. I can tell the underlying contempt/envy/resentment.....from everything from my children, how well they are doing/not doing to the people I choose to be friends with outside of her. I found myself not mentioning my children's accomplishments because each time it became a contest. I found myself not talking about things I should bring to a friend because it eventually would turn into, what she needs or honestly, she would seem "pleased" that I'm going through. I found that things she should be asking me about, like how the kids and I are doing, how I feel about the current things going on in my relationship or how I'm feeling having lost someone else....she hasn't had ONE thought/concern of that...unlike my friends outside of her who call/text/email me daily.....She seems seriously more concerned or better yet NOSEY about the DETAILS of the tragedy....actually asking me and then another person the SAME EXACT QUESTIONS as if my answer wasn't enough "juice" for her.
At times I know I can be short with people. That is a flaw I do work on daily. However, I would prefer you address how I made you feel or tell me off rather than to try to "get back at me". I've never had a problem with someone telling me I'm wrong. Even if I don't feel I was. I mean I don't "love" it, who does love to be wrong. But, communication is always an important part of caring to me. I used to have to talk things to death, lol......I still like to talk things out, but I don't have to nit-pick at every detail of the issue like I once did. Now when someone would prefer not to communicate or to do DELIBERATE things to me, I will not try to "smooth" things over. I'm not that "evolved" or that "nice".....I will just let it go. That "letting go" may mean that I simply ignore the situation and keep it moving. Or, I cut ties and keep it moving. Whichever I chose to do depends on my level of caring......but either way, I "keep it moving"....Especially now since I realize how very short life can be.
In this instance, I know I don't care enough and need to cut ties. I know full well that misery loves company and I'm not in the mood to visit with misery at all.............................
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment