Higher Ground........

"I'm so glad that he let me try it again. Cuz the last time I lived I lived a whole world of sin. So glad I know now more than I knew then....."

I still have a lot to learn. I say all the time that I'm always learning. I'm not perfect, nor do I try to be. The only thing I try to be is a good person. I think if I haven't succeeded in one thing, I've succeeded in that. I am a good person. I care about people and I try to show them that through my actions......sometimes, well a lot of times, I fall short....thus, my imperfection.......

I don't handle things nearly as well as my Mama did. I think I have my Daddy's temperament...especially when things are bad. When my children are going through things it hurts my heart to no end. I can't even explain the feeling. It's like a sharp ache every time it beats. I wish I had all of the answers to their problems. Actually, I wish there was a magic wand that would make everything go away. Or more realistically a handbook that tells me exactly what to say or do at times like this when my child is hurting. I'm hurting too, not only for my child, but for myself. Right now, I can't focus on my hurt because I have to make sure my child is ok.....I don't know if this decision will make my hurt worse, but if it does, I just have to accept it because my child always comes first.......

Now, I've recently been told that I have an "I don't give a fuck" attitude. At times I do. It's a defense mechanism like anyone else may have to protect their heart. At this time, it's not the case. My attitude is more of a defeatist one than an idgaf.....I've given up because I feel like I've lost....scratch that, I don't "feel like" I've lost. It's obvious that I HAVE lost......

It's not a good feeling to lose, I don't know anyone who enjoys losing.  I don't.  I especially don't like to lose something I felt held so much value to me and to my life.  Especially since I tried so hard to keep it.  I just have to continue to learn and keep on trying until I reach higher, safer, more secure ground........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.