Last Breath........

I haven't wanted to post since Thursday (my therapy day :( ).....I've said before how irritated I get sometimes for having to go and how I will sit there for 45 minutes and not say anything or just text or play with my phone. #stubborn LOL
Well, this past Thursday my therapist kind of PISSED ME OFF.  She is the FOURTH one I've had, so I didn't really go off like I wanted to because I didn't want her to try to have me committed for being difficult. :)....But, I guess it is good that Psychology was my minor in college.  Because, I don't really get WTH therapists are good for sometimes.  If I wanted someone to ask me to answer questions, I'd go take a test. LBVS
She pissed me off because I REALLY think she was TRYING to make me cry.  I think I cry enough without some over-paid analyst to play, "Let's make tough girl cry"......
Here was her questioning:

Her: So did you think about your mom today?
Me:  Yea *with a "duh" in my voice*
Her:  What did you think about her?
Me:  I passed by an old friend of her's house and I thought I was going to tell her he asked about her last time I saw him.
Her:  Really?
Me: Yea *same "duh" in my voice* (I'm thinking WTF do you mean "Really?"  Why do I have to lie up in here? You can't tell anyone anything I say! #geesh)
Her:  When do you think you won't think about your mom?
Me:  WHEN I DON'T BREATHE ANYMORE!!! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT??

It was pretty much a wrap on our "session" after that.  Because I'm sure she could tell I was pissed.  But, seriously, I may have overreacted (just a little).....but I just couldn't fathom "not thinking" about her.  When I look in the mirror (especially when I put on my glasses) I SEE HER.
I never noticed that until after she left me.  People would always say, "You look like a darker version of your mom."  I would say, "Thank you" because I thought she was GORGEOUS, so that was a compliment....But, when she was here and I looked at her, I never saw my face.  I always saw her face in my youngest daughter (still do) and just a few days ago I saw a picture of my oldest daughter smiling and she looked just like her to me (my son looks like my Daddy).....
How can I not think about her when she was basically all I had for my WHOLE LIFE? Just me and her against the world.  Doing our thing through all our ups and downs/ins and outs.  For 6 of the last 8 years of her life she was a room away from me.  We were together EVERYDAY.  When she moved into her own home, we still were together AND on the phone EVERYDAY.  Now all of the sudden I can't pick up the phone, I can't run into a room and say, "Ma, guess what?" or just "Hey Mama."......................I can't just say, "Hey".........
I just really wanted to flip that damn desk over at the time.  I have no idea why that question (as dumb as it was) made me so angry....but the back of my neck was on FIRE cuz I was so mad......I just sat there quiet for the next few minutes until our time was up.  She said, "goodbye" and I didn't open my mouth because I know I would have said something mean. So I was actually looking out for her. LOL
A friend told me recently that someone told her, she needed to "get over" a loss in her life.  I thought it was bogus that someone would actually say something like that to her...especially considering all the losses she's had.  But sometimes people say stupid things....Sometimes you can ignore it....Sometimes you have to say WHAT THE HELL.........????

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.