Just -----MARES....

They're not specific to night, or day...Whenever I close my eyes, sit or think too long. They appear....my thoughts of what could have, would have, should have been...What if I had done/said this, that or the other....Would she still be here? Would I still hurt?
For the past I'll say 6 or 7 months, there has not been a restful sleep for me....some days I do get plenty of sleep but it is not "restful"...I wake up wishing I hadn't slept or wanting to sleep more. Last night was the first night in months that I didn't have "that dream" or rather "that nightmare"....I didn't say I didn't have a nightmare....It just wasn't that SAME ONE.........
The one where I relive it...the funeral...I see it the same way with different players in different rolls...I am always in the SAME SEAT...Sometimes in a different outfit (because sometimes the time of day/year is different) but always right THERE where I sat....
Last night, the nightmare was different...it wasn't even about her. That makes me feel guilty. I know it shouldn't because I know (as well as anyone else does), there is not ONE DAY that passes that I don't think/wish about her. This dream/nightmare was about a tragedy that didn't end like my Mama's and mine did. It actually turned out for the better....so does that mean it WASN'T a nightmare? Not in my mind....because I still woke up feeling the same...wishing for rest........
I thank and appreciate all who will read...I warned you it would be personal, :)...I understand if this is your last read....Peace