"Til Time Runs Out of Time

Loss is never a nice word.  Whether in sports, finances or life.  But, you have to deal with it none the less.  The loss of a parent is never nice.  However, why is it that it is sometimes much easier to cope with loss of father than loss of mother.

For some it could be that father was never there.  Not knowing how that is, I would assume that this type of loss would be harder.....Thinking you never even got to know someone who is now gone for eternity.  For others, it may just be because mother was just closer and in some instances "kinder".  Then, yet again, for some it may not be that easy at all because it hurts as much, if not MORE.

As my birthday draws near, I'm not thinking about another year of life coming to an end and a beginning....I think that I'm getting another month closer to another Mother's Day and HER birthday.

Now when I think about Mother's Day, I think why just one day?  Why just in May?  Who picked that month?  Who picked Sunday?  I think this way now because of my personal loss and the fact that with her birthday being in May, the whole month just bums me out.

To me, there is no one day that can sum up the value of a mother.  There is no one way to describe what a mother or motherhood is.  Mainly because it is different things to different people.  Just to be frank, some mothers don't value their roles at all......but, on the flip side.  Some children don't realize what they have until she's gone......

Any person who is not barren/sterile can bring forth life.  Not knowing how to foster the emotional and spiritual development of the life brought forth is the tragedy.  Only one person can show an individual the love, care and adoration of a mother, better yet a "Mama".  That's what mine was to me....my "Mama".  She was a friend, support system and an enforcer.  All in the name of making me a better me.  In the context of fostering my emotional and spiritual development.  Of course all life lessons weren't learned.  All advice not heeded, so mistakes were made.  The responsibility of a "Mama" is not to offer an, "I told you so", or an "I knew it".  But, an "it will be alright" or "we'll get through this".

So, what do you do when all of the sudden that support is gone?  When the two by four that's propping you up is KICKED right out from under you?  You can only do one thing.....FALL!!! The key to taking that fall is how, when and if you GET UP!!!

It is perfectly alright to fall when you lose someone as close to you as your Mama.  In fact, if you are an only child like me, it's all but expected.  You just have to know the tools you need in order to get back on your feet and continue to live your life the way she would have wanted you to:

1. Support System- You need that person/group of people who will step in and be that shoulder to cry on, that person to hold that two by four to keep it from coming out from under you again....This needs to be someone who is NOT self-centered. (Yea, you know who you are. LOL)
2. Space-  Too many people in your face with the, "Do you need anything?" or "Are you ok?" to me tend to add more to the problem than help ease your stress. The thing I hated most during the time I was making arrangements for my Mama was the constant "drop bys" from "concerned" (read nosy) people who were oblivious to the fact that I wasn't  happy to see them and just wanted them to go home & leave me alone....The worst thing during that time was the "family dinner" a group I belong to gave me which basically was an excuse for the women in the group to sit around & eat.  The TRUE person from #1 will already know that you're NOT ok. Your Mama is gone.  You are SO NOT OK!!!! They sometimes are able to determine what you need and do/get it for you. 
3. Time-  Some people tend to put a time limit on grief.  You hear people say, "You need to get over it" or "Just give it some time"....I've never understood that.  Even though all of the rituals have been done (funeral, repast, wake, etc.) You have nothing left to do but grieve....How are the parameters set on how much time you can grieve a loss? 

Bottom line for me being that I'm not sure of the time when I won't wake up and ache in my heart knowing I can't call her.  I'm really not sure I want that day to have to come.  Yes, the tears may flow at the mere mention of mother, mama, mom or mommy.  But, at least you know that you had tears because you had love and GAVE love.....

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Quandary........

A break in a relationship is always awkward to say the least.  But, what do you do if you have no hard feelings, but everyone else does? Even the people who weren't part of the relationship......Do you address those feelings?  What if their feelings aren't based on truths?  
I haven't played victim and I don't intend to start.  I've been as cordial as I can...I know what is what.....just because I don't choose to break down all the particulars to outsiders doesn't mean that there is validity to what's been said.  It just means that I'm private, always been private, will stay private.  I don't look through your windows, so don't look through mine.
There is always multiple sides to a story.  That's why when hearing what's said/done, I take it with a grain of salt & keep it moving.  I have my own crosses to bear.  Why take up someone else's?
It took me losing/letting go of A LOT to find out I really don't care what people think, say or do to me.  That isn't to say I will ALLOW you to say or do anything to me.......it's as simple to me as:  If you think you've gotten away with something.....think AGAIN.
I am patient and at peace with who I am & who I'm becoming. Are you?


I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

A Raven in the Sun: Unfathomable

A Raven in the Sun: Unfathomable: I really am in shock & awe towards a lot of things as of late.  One thing I can't believe is that it has been over THREE MONTHS since I've b...

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Unfathomable

I really am in shock & awe towards a lot of things as of late.  One thing I can't believe is that it has been over THREE MONTHS since I've been here!!!!! I have sticky notes on my pc that say "BLOG!!!!!!!!!" & "WRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".....but I just haven't been able to.

Wanted to.........haven't been ABLE TO.

Can't blame that on the depression....cuz as far as I'm concerned & for all intents & purposes *Looks at last fragmented sentence & pops self in the back of the head for overuse of filler words* LOL

*ahem*.....I'll try this again.......I can't blame not being "able to" write on my "diagnosed" clinical depression.  Because, in my not so medical opinion, I'm over that.  I'm feeling better, more motivated & HAPPIER.  No thanks to the prescription meds they TRIED to push on me......All I will say is Tommy Chong (or is it Cheech Marin) has the right idea. ;-)

I haven't been able to write because I paralyzed myself.  I took myself out of the game.....I was scared I didn't have anything to say....but forgot....WHAT I SAY HERE IS FOR ME. So in my mind, I always have something....at times TOO MUCH to say.

The other thing that has me humbled, grateful, tearful, melancholy....(there I go with the filler words again).  But, in this case, they all fit.  The past 12 month period brought numerous life/love changing events.  The first I want to mention is that my first born son will be 27 in a few days.  I'm so blessed to still be able to look at that face.  I know so many who's sons never will make it as far as he has. #therebutforthegraceofGod

Then another thing is, I found someone I thought I would never see again.......that discovery has me tearful & melancholy....but, I'll save that for another blog.  Now is not the time.

The final thing that has my feelings running wild is that in a little over 8 hours, my second born.  My baby girl....my mirror.....will be graduating from college!!!!!

"When I look at you, so hard to believe.  You're a younger version of an older me."

 ~Brian McKnight

I listened to that song on my ride & immediately thought of her.  I would just say that she's a younger, BETTER version of an older me.  I look at all of my children and know I don't deserve them.  That HUMBLES me.   The fact that God gave them life through me, makes me GRATEFUL.  The idea that I want better for them all the time & I wish their Gigi was here with me to watch them do the awesome things ahead of them makes me tearful........

The fact that their Gigi is a MAJOR part of who they are & I know still watches over them.....that's the melancholy.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Hoodies for Justice...or Just US???

I had hoped to be able to enter this blog when there was a resolution...an answer...but, it seems like I'll be waiting forever & won't have a blog to enter while I await "justice".
"Justice" or "JUST US"???
Just US who suffer at the hands of murderers/bigots/hate mongers/OURSELVES???
I have stopped listening to, reading, watching the "latest" on the Trayvon Martin case.  I heard a snippet of a 911 call during a radio show & burst into tears.........THIS HURTS!!!
No, he wasn't my son/relative...no, I didn't know him/his family....no, I don't live in Sanford/Florida......but YES I AM HURT!!!
I keep playing the facts of the story out in my head....We all know it:

*He's walking to the store for snacks, minding his own business.

*Lunatic self-appointed neighborhood Barney Fife decides he shouldn't be in "his hood".

*Said lunatic calls the cops & IS TOLD NOT TO FOLLOW HIM.

*He follows him anyway & shoots him down because he has a hoodie on.......and

BECAUSE HE IS BLACK

Let's be real....white kids wear hoodies too. My daughter attends a diverse high school. There are a lot of white kids there, I see hoodies in the morning dropping her off.....

Now if Zimmerman had seen a white 17 year old walking in the neighborhood with a hoodie on....would that young man be "suspicious".  Would that young man have been followed?  Would the gun even been drawn? no & no.....IF ANY OF THIS HAD HAPPENED TO A WHITE CHILD WOULD ZIMMERMAN BE IN JAIL NOW?!?!? Yes, HELL YES!!! He would & be confined away from the general population for fear of his life.  We already know how the story would play if this was a black man who hunted down & killed a white child.....

But, let's be real again.........We trust "them" too much! We could see a white teen in our neighborhood today & not think anything but, "He is in the wrong area or lost." Some of us "trusting Negroes" would maybe even stop & try to help "massa's chile" find his way.

I live in an urban area....while my subdivision looks suburban...not even a block away from my front door you see abandoned buildings. Walking my dog or driving near my home I've seen "them" riding in my neighborhood slowly looking "lost"....looking to be all different age groups from young to old...sometimes in a group....sometimes alone...

I know what they're doing......One of two things: drugs or prostitutes...or both.........Up until recently I never thought that instead of my usual *smh*...maybe I should call the police & report a "suspicious character" in my neighborhood. Yea, right...and maybe I should pay the citation they will give me for calling 911 for a "non-emergency".  I doubt if I told them suspicious looking white people were riding around my neighborhood they would even send a car to investigate....but even in my urban city that is predominantly African American....if I called 911 to say there was a suspicious looking BLACK person in my neighborhood, there would be at least two cars out within a matter of minutes.

We are more afraid of ourselves, than them. Which is RIDICULOUS!!! Historically....most of the most abhorrent murders/atrocities have been carried out by WHITE men.......without a reason or care to why...and they have historically gotten away with it!!!

George Zimmerman is no different than the slave owners who bought/sold/raped our ppl for hundreds of years & then when their (or what they thought was their, cuz he may have been half black..lol) President Lincoln, gave us a "Get out of jail free" card. It was like....Well, ok. They don't have to be our property anymore, but we're not apologizing or giving them any of the country they built! And, they can't drink/sleep/eat/pee anywhere we are.

He's no different than the Klan members who terrorized innocent black families just because they wanted to live & take care of their families....No different than J. Edgar Hoover's cross-dressing behind, who stalked black men (probably because he secretly lusted after them) who were just trying to maintain their quality of life.....No different than the LAPD who beat Rodney King. I can go on & on with this (Bernard Goetz, James Earl Ray, Skinheads..etc).......but most shocking of all....He's no different than the gangbangers/thugs in our own community!!!

How can just "us" in our own backyard, protest & wear hoodies "4 Trayvon" while executing genocide on our own people? Shooting into a home putting bullets into two young girls while they play?!?! Killing on the streets over drugs/money/lovers.......then as they sit around together they say how "Fucked Up" it is that Zimmerman is still free!!!!

Yes, it is VERY messed up that Zimmerman (the animal) is still walking free after murdering that child....but it is just as messed up that us killing US is still running rampant....it is messed up that NEITHER race is putting a value on black life.

I expect it from them.........but, what about US???? 

I thank and appreciate all who will read & I pray for justice for #Trayvon, Britney, Rebia, Albert & all the other victims past, present & unfortunately...future. Peace.

I Still Feel Her......

"When the day turns into the last day of all time....." <3 Prince

I've never really did anything special for my birthday. I haven't had a birthday "party" since I gave myself a 25th birthday party in _____well, let's just say that was a few years ago. :)

My last few birthdays have been EXTRA hard. This is the 3rd one since my Mama left, the 2nd since I my friend Thelma left.....

Waking up this morning I had to meditate....I needed to talk to God & Mama. I had to feel them telling me that it is ok to be happy about making another year. Even though she won't have anymore birthday celebrations, it's ok if I do. I put my conversation with Him on hold & spoke directly to my Mama.

I wanted to make sure that she understands that me having a good time doesn't mean that I don't miss her singing "Happy Birthday" to me off key while she snaps her pretty fingers & does a little dance. LOL

While I always said, "Oh Lord" when she did it. We both knew that I loved it when she did.

I know Thelma would tell me, "Girl, you betta do what you do how you wanna do it. Don't worry about me.".....I don't know what would make me think my Mama wouldn't feel the same way.

I've always known even through our good times/bad times/fusses/fights that she always wanted me to be happy.

While I sat in silence listening to her. I felt her tell me basically what I already know;

I felt her saying she loves me.

I felt her saying it's good for me to be happy.

I felt her saying it's quite alright to enjoy life.

I felt her saying.....Happy Birthday Baby!

And all I can say in response is Thank You to the most Beautiful Girl in the World! <3 Mama

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

She Really Doesn't Know......

"She always stood at the back of the line...a smile beneath her nose."

I keep the most random things in my mind about my children. While I LOVE Prince. I wouldn't say that any of my kids are Prince "fans"......In fact, I would venture to say that he got on their nerves every morning since their "wake up" revelie was Sexy MF (don't judge me, lol) or Housequake....

Starfish & Coffee is one of my oldest daughter's FAVORITE songs....That and Please Pardon Me by Rufus featuring Chaka Khan.

My oldest daughter is the child most like me. Our birthdays are only days apart. I often wonder why we're not "closer"....then I think to myself....We're not closer because we are so much alike. We don't really let people "in".

A lot between the two of us is "unspoken"....I'm not totally pleased with that and I accept responsibility for not being as communicable as I should be.

I often think of her, what/who she will be?...What her children/child will look like?....Where she will live?.............Will she ever forgive me????

As a parent, I've made mistakes....more than my share....less than some. I wish I were a "perfect" mom...but, I'm still not sure what that would entail. I can say, I've done my best. The best I know how....I wish I had been more patient, less busy, more fun.....

But, I'm always in the belief that everything/everyone happens the way it should...My faults, missteps as well as my successes in parenting are part of what makes her who she is....

Who she is, IS BEAUTIFUL....Who she is, IS SMART.....Who she is, IS LOVING....Who she is, IS PHENOMENAL!!!!!

What she really doesn't know is how much I needed her to be my baby....how much seeing her smile warms me........how much she really saved my life....how much I live for her.......How much I LOVE HER.

Happy Birthday Devin....Ma loves you more than air. <3

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Without Whit.......

My title is a play on words....I didn't know Whitney Houston, so I wouldn't be presumptuous enough to give her a nick name, because I know I would hate that. (Pretty much the way I hate for someone to call me "Rave", lbs)......I'm saying that some of the people who are commenting on the death of Ms. Houston are "Without WITT" as in SENSE!!!!

Over this past weekend, I've seen/heard a lot of ignorant & judgmental things being said about Ms. Houston AND her sudden passing.  Everything from, "If she'd have never married Bobby Brown, she'd still be here.", "She was a junkie, so why are we throwing a pity party for her?" to "Why did she take a bath knowing she had taken all those pills? She should have taken a shower." (<----I deleted the idiot who said that without even commenting on that post. *smh*)

All I could think of when reading/hearing this idiocy was when I lost my mother over 2 years ago before the holidays...I know how devastated I was.  I know how I felt/feel...I thought about how I lost my friend a year ago this time......I know how devastated I was, I know how I felt/feel....

Then I thought of the fact that I'm a GROWN WOMAN & I was grown when this happened....Bobby Kristina is only 19 years old!!! She will turn 20 on my birthday, March 4th....I've always remembered that because I remember when she was born in 1992 & my daughter told me, "Whitney Houston had a baby today, on your birthday." Our birthday is soon & we both have to spend it without our mothers.  I'm not going to say I'm "used" to it, but this will be her 1st one without her mother (I've had three without mine). The way I feel as a grown woman with two of my own children who are older than her with the loss I've experienced....the way I still think of my Mama not ever seeing her great-grandchildren...and thinking that her mother will never see her GRAND-children. 

While people demonize her father, who I'm sure is there comforting/supporting her.  While people focus on her mother's shortcomings, instead of her triumphs...I hope they have a step ladder to bring themselves down from the pedestals they stand on so they don't trip & bust their heads coming down. *secretly hopes they do bust their heads WIDE OPEN, lol*

What I find interesting is that what Whitney Houston's death has done is it has aligned the "saints" with the "ain'ts"....The "holy rollers" have expressed the same ridiculous/judgmental garbage as the "low lifes" & "thugs".  The two demographics that are against one another have come together in stupidity to pass judgement & disrespect this woman & her family.  *smdh*......

So, for me...whenever my REAL judgement day comes & I'm asked...Who I'm affiliated with....I'm not claiming "saints" or "ain'ts"...The set I'm rolling with is "compassionate".  

So in honor of her, I've posted my favorite song that she sung.  I can't honestly say that I'm a "fan" and listened to her music often.  I can say I thought her voice was PHENOMENAL and she was BEAUTIFUL...but I don't want to be a phony/bandwagonner who says I was her "biggest fan"....But I can honestly say that her passing has shocked & saddened me.  I pray for her and her family.....her baby, ESPECIALLY!

Rest in peace Whitney Houston!!! 

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Memories.........

I am by no means an average person. In fact, I don't think I know anyone who is or what would determine a person as average.....

The way I remember things/people/events and the way I forget things/people/events is what I think makes me a little unique (I won't say strange, lol)....

The way I remember one year ago today is heartbreaking for me. I remember my cell phone ringing & looking at my bedside clock & noticing it was 6:34am. When I woke up today & looked at my cell phone, it read 6:34am.  That sort of threw my whole morning off.  I kind of get irritated at the fact that I can remember some dates/times/people really vividly at times.  It seems like when I go through something life/mind altering, I remember everything to the smallest, most insignificant detail....

Like on that day, one year ago to this date...When that phone rang & I saw it was Gen...My heart jumped.  She never called that early on the weekend.......When I picked up & she told me our girl was gone in her faint voice, I felt this indescribable wrenching in my stomach.  Like someone was actually "wringing" me out like you would a dish towel.

I couldn't speak, rather I didn't want to speak.  I never know what to ask.  Never been a really "nosey" person.  I've always felt the information I really need to know, someone will give me.  If I have to pry/ask questions...it's really not my business........But, I knew this was my business.  Thelma DEFINITELY was my business. I just couldn't find any words and knowing me, Gen knew that.  So she told me what she knew, said she would call me back when she found out anything else and she left me alone.....

All who really know me, know that when I'm going through...I want to be left alone.  When I need to, I reach out for help/words from the people I love.  Other than that, I just want my space.

The day was clear...pretty much like it is today....I was home alone, my daughter was out.  So I probably could have slept the day away...but instead, I cleaned.  I don't know why cleaning is my comfort sometimes, it just is....as I was cleaning, I saw that my Rush cd was laid on the stereo console....The last time I listened to it was when Thelma was visiting me for Thanksgiving & we listened together.  We both loved music you would never have thought we would listen to.  But Tom Sawyer was our JAM!!!! LOL.....

It was just really strange to me that I happened to look upon that cd that day.  I know I had cleaned the living room MANY times between Thanksgiving and the day I found out she was gone....I didn't remember seeing it out...but that was my cue I guess to play Rush while I cleaned...and think of my Thelma, my Twin, my <3.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Twin, I know you're reading too.  I love you.  Peace.

Come on Sons.....

"Y'all niggas deal with emotions like bitches. What's sad is I love you cuz you my brother....."

Yeah, yeah I know....Nasir goes hard on Jay Z with that line....But, whenever I hear that line, it rings so true to me.

Over the past few months, my perception of men. Actually my perception of black men specifically (because they're the ones I care about, #realtalk) has been altered a little....well....A LOT.

Ok, ok....before some stop reading, let me put this disclaimer out there:

"I LOVE MY BLACK WARRIORS. I GAVE LIFE TO A BLACK WARRIOR. I AM NOT TRYING TO BASH, DEMEAN, DEGRADE, DISRESPECT....BUT JUST LIKE MEN ACKNOWLEDGE OUR FLAWS AS BLACK WOMEN....IT IS VERY NECESSARY I ADDRESS THIS."

Men these days....Excuse me, SOME men these days are acting REALLY FEMININE.....I mean the *side eye*, wtf, O_o type of feminine.....And this is REALLY starting to unnerve me!

Seriously, I'm starting to feel like I'm in some sort of parallel universe or Bizarro World. Where gender roles have been switched completely.

Dudes are wigging out over ended relationships. Doing things strictly for spite/revenge. Behaving like the stereotypical "woMAN scorned" instead of moving on. Leaving the women to wonder, "Damn! Was it that good to him? SHEESH!" LOL...just kidding/not really.

Then we have dudes being EXTREMELY over-sensitive these days. Like they're the ones who are PMSing or MENopausal. You have to "tip-toe" around everything you say/do with them or they'll jump all over you like a guilty cheating spouse who's trying to blame you for their cheating ways.

Next, we have these "Wallona Woods" type dudes emerging. The "Rona Barretts of the projects" *James Evans' voice* so to speak. These are the ones looking for, welcoming & spreading all the latest "dish". Very seldom checking out stories & often naming false sources to make their story more believable. It's no longer true at all that women gossip more than men. I've seen with my own eyes a dude come up with the..."Did you hear about?" Then I'll say, "Naw, I didn't & I really don't want to know. That way no one can say I said anything."....Then the dude next to me was like, "Well, tell me. What happened?" *smdh*

But, to me, what's most egregious about these REALLY FEMININE dudes is when they're so swift to scream....."I'm a thug!", "I'm a man!", "I'm gangsta, gonna be gangsta til I die!"
But er ah....This is the one crying/screaming/throwing fits cuz the sista said she's done. The one posting songs on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter to dis her. Telling his boys she's a ho/trick/bitch.....Is she really now? Ummm, son....you was with that ho trick bitch for a minute with no complaints.....AND....it is ELEMENTARY pimp game, that when you telling a dude how freaky/nasty a chick is....What is he gonna do???? Let's all say it together-----HE'S GONNA TELL HER WHAT YOU SAID AS HE TRIES TO HOLLA AT HER!!!! #duh

So now this "gangsta" dude is REALLY mad. Calling/texting her, her friends, family...freaking out cuz she's not responding. Then the rumor spreads....She's got a new dude. She upgraded BIG TIME & she's cool.....Oh boy....here comes another virtual/cyber HISSY FIT!!! #buthe'sgangsta LMAO

Now, I would be remiss if I left this REALLY FEMININE dude out........Let me start by saying, I do know that these reality shows are addictive. I tried, but I have to admit that the little TV I watch may involve one, two....ok THREE reality shows (I LOVE TI & TINY, LOL).....but that's cool, mainly because they're geared to my demographic.....I can't even trip if you're a dude & you do become addicted to The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Basketball Wives, Love & Hip Hop, etc.....my issue is when you Facebook/Twitter beef about it!!!!! #comeonsons

Bottom Line??? I want out of this Matrix/Bizarro World!!! I want my strong MASCULINE brothers ALL BACK.....There are a lot still out there & maybe these other brothers aren't realizing the errors of their ways. But, the ones exhibiting this type of behavior have women like me looking at you REALLY sideways...and that is NOT COOL!!! SO STOP IT!!!

If any of these actions/descriptions/scenarios seem familiar to you as something you do/have seen done and you're offended by my opinion....I apologize if I struck a nerve....but NOT for what I've said.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. "Warrior keep fighting I know you're there. Keep fighting warrior I know you're there." ~ Jill Scott....Peace

The Things People Say........

I closed the door on 2012 listening to my "boo in my head"...Prince Rogers Nelson....I mean all of the cd's of his I have (which I have quite a few) are strewn all over my floor in front of the stereo waiting their turn on the 3 disc changer.

Controversy is the most appropriate theme for my life as it was in 2011. I started and ended a volatile relationship that did me (or my family) no earthly good. I still have to deal with it on some levels going into 2012....but I know everything from here on in is for the best.

I brought in this year like I did last year....Just me and my baby girl. The last of my brood. The last one who will be leaving me to start her own life in just over 18 months. I told her, as I truly believe, we're going to have a better year this year.

It may not start off exactly how we may want....but it will end in a PHENOMENAL way. The "light" I have can already see GREAT things in store.

My oldest daughter will graduate college in July. While it will be a somber day because I KNOW that her Gigi would have LOVED to see her receive her degree....it will be a TRIUMPHANT day because she did it! July can't get here fast enough! I am SUPER EXCITED!!!

My son will get his opportunity at the University of Maryland....I've already claimed that for him. He is so deserving and so driven....Then my baby girl who already has colleges filling up my mailbox. Will continue to flourish academically/emotionally.....Me? Well, I feel like I've always felt....As long as those three are ok...I'm FABULOUS!!!

I've heard all the gossip/lies/controversy being circulated about me. About how I'm living/loving....I really don't care. I'm doing me, the best me I know how to be. I'm loving for me and being loved for me. I'm still not hating, because I don't have the energy or desire to do so.....but, at the same time, I'm not taking ANY SHORTS.....

At the end of the day. In my eyes, the most important opinion about me. About what I do/see/how I live belongs to the three I nursed/comforted/cared for/fought for. The three I would lie for/die for/live for/fight for.....As long as they know who I am....who I want to be....who I will become...what I will do.....

I could care less about he said/she said/the wall said......LOL

In therapy....the main thing I always say when asked that annoying therapist's question, "Do you have thoughts of hurting/killing yourself?"....I say, "Not at ALL!!!"....Then when asked, "Why?"....I say, "I would NEVER hurt my children like that.".....They are what I LIVE for.....No one else or their opinion can trump that. I don't know why they continue to try. #strong

Follow me on Twitter @RavenAboutMe or email me at Raven@nga-radio.com

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Have a safe & prosperous new year!!! Peace

Losing but Winning....

I've been putting this one off for a few weeks...I know this is going to be emotional and may be a little bit of a downer for Christmas....I even started to wait a few hours to write. But, then again...why?

This is me, this blog is for me....I just let you all be nosy. LOL/JK.....

While I'm sitting here watching my Celts game I dvr'd, all these thoughts just came rushing in and I just had to sit back in my recliner & put them down. Besides, I already know the outcome of the game. My guys will lose by 2. :(

The past 3 years of my life people have been taken away from me left & right. These past 3 years of my life I have been taking myself away from people just the same....While at the same time CLINGING for dear LIFE to people I feel I NEED to be with me.

I lost my aunt, my Mama & one of my best friends in that order all within these 3 years. I've taken myself away from people & situations that have made me unhappy/unproductive and I'm clinging to the beautiful friendships/relationships I have now.

I almost lost one of those friendships a couple of weeks ago. I died a little inside when I heard what happened...but the friend in me knew what I heard wasn't my friend....that was NOT his spirit. I pray/meditate everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day....I pray for my family (note: in my eyes "family" & "relatives" are different...I pray for my FAMILY)....I pray for specific things for each of my children...I call each of their names as I pray....I call each of my friends' names when I pray for them.....I guess that's the detailed person I am making sure He knows exactly who I'm praying for...Even though I know He already knows. I truly feel that my specific prayer for my friend was a small part of the reason He didn't take him from me.

I've gained valuable friendships/relationships in these years as well. I feel the people in my life now know who I am and accept me for me. No questions/no qualms/no bullshit (pardon my French, lol)....

There is a peace about my life I've gained in the past 30 days that I haven't had in the past 30 years....and I LOVE it!!!

My oldest daughter blessed me beyond measure this morning with her Christmas gift to me....My mother loved to read...but she was a writer as well. (I guess that's where I get it from.) My daughter asked her to write a journal for her. When Mama passed I thought it was only appropriate that since she asked her to do it, that she get to keep the journal.

There was an entry on June 17, 2009 where my Mama wrote explaining why she left my father and apologizing for what she felt she "put me through" as a child.....the thing is, even though I may have had to grow up a little fast. I never loved my mother any less. I would have laid down my own life 2 years ago if the doctors would have told me it would have saved her. She was my HEART and I still feel a hole in it where she should be PHYSICALLY here with me. I know people always says, "She's with you." #blahblahblah....but the selfish only child who doesn't have a mother or father PHYSICALLY here with her. Doesn't want to hear all that.

When my baby, my first girl "doll", my "Shugga Pie" said to me, "Ma, that's your gift in that frame against the wall." and I turned it around and saw those pages & pictures in that frame. I burst immediately into tears. Sad, but good tears.....Hurt, but I'm going to be ok tears....I guess..........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

God's Will..........

I'm not sure how many people actually view my blog regularly or how long they have been following me or how many "stalkers" I have just coming around to be nosy...Well, I know of two "stalkers"....but if there are any more, I'm not sure. LOL

Well, for all of you reading...old & new...Let me just say what I've said in the beginning as a disclaimer for what you're about to read (you can stop reading at any time)......

I write this blog for ME.....I just let everyone in because it's liberating to me and I really don't care what people think of me....as long as you THINK.....

I recently found this song again and haven't been able to get it out of my head. When I first heard it years ago I said, "That's pretty." And went on to listen to the other songs.....What I really like about this song is how there is a dramatically powerful crescendo at the end....it makes this already emotional song seem like it "physically" is pulling you to feel something/anything.

I like to go to sleep with music....always have since I was little and my Daddy used to put my clock radio on the Classical station when he put me to bed. Ironically, while I love the sound of a violin (especially in a WuTang song, lol)...I can't stand Classical Music now. *kanye shrug*......Well, one night while sleeping with this cd (Testimony: vol. 1, Love & Relationship) playing, the words caught my ear & woke me up....

It was like a dream...I felt like, "Wait a second....Is she actually talking to me? What's going on?" So when I played it back, I was like WOW!!! It's like she did know what I'm going through...what I've gone through...where I'm going......

Starting with, "Good morning silence, good morning to myself." Now that I'm totally alone again...I realized how much I enjoy the silence of my morning....how good it feels to be able to wake up & make as much noise as I want to. Play my music as loud as I want to. Open the blinds & turn on the lights, make my room as bright as I want to......But.....

Then with her verse, "Good morning independence or is it loneliness. I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets. I pray for God's Will to be done...The very next day you were gone..." She straight up SPOOKED me.........I'm independent because I have to do things on my own now....but in many ways I always did.....the "spooky" part was that the day before we separated, I think my knees were raw from me being on them so long. My biggest worry about separating from my husband was not him or me...it was "them"....The kids, the family, the in-laws......Then after talking to the kids & my family, that worry subsided...After a conversation with my sister-in-law, the in-laws weren't a worry anymore either. *looks back at that last sentence* I'll just leave that alone. lol

I wasn't worried about him or me, because I knew this was the best thing for "us"....Neither of us were happy with one another, for whatever reasons....people are speculating what those reasons were/are as I type. #withtheirnosybehinds lol

Now I will readily admit. The first time I REALLY heard her verse..."Good morning to the harsh realities of life. Good morning to the fact that we're not husband & wife. We made a vow to stay. But destiny got in the way..." I was hurt....the second or maybe third time (I listened to this song on repeat for hours)....I cried....Not because I felt we made a mistake. More because I felt it was saying (to me), we were destined to fail. "Destiny" knew we would fail. :-(

"Good morning acceptance. Good morning inner strength. I'm loving every moment of it. Even the strain...." When I heard this verse, I immediately knew what the song & the crescendo were doing.....It's a build up...it's an evolution....just like my life.....I'm loving it, the people in it and what I see it becoming.

The song starts with the pain & heartbreak in the beginning. Then each verse sees the evolution to a breakthrough...to knowing truly what "God's Will" for you is.

"Good morning optimism. Good morning to my fate. Good morning to the beginning of a brand new day...I know that God's Will will be done. So I lay down that pain and I'm moving on." When I analyzed this verse as it applies to me...."the pain" I was "laying down" (actually any pain she speaks of in this song), I didn't attribute to my husband.....I loved him then, love him still...I want him to be as happy as I want myself to be. There is no pain or hurt when I speak his name.....

The "pain" I think of is a sort of pain like when you have a deep splinter stuck in your skin but you don't know quite what it is & you can't see it because it's so close to/deep inside your skin & it hurts like hell while it's still with you...and any little thing can aggravate the pain....But once you find it and get it out the pain is gone immediately......That was the kind of pain I laid down more like a "PAIN IN THE BUTT" I recently let go of. *giggling*....See, you all thought this was going to be an all sad and serious blog entry...Didn't you? #sike :-)

"I know that God's Will will be done. So it's a good morning after all." That's how the song ends....I say, I know that God's Will will be done. So it's a good LIFE after all.....Stay tuned. ;-)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Really Broken.........

Well, I got through another holiday....and I'm still here. #barely  I find myself going through the motions sometimes.  Just making sure I wake, shower, eat (sometimes), shower, sleep...or rather go to bed.  Some days I still don't sleep.....but surprisingly enough, it's a "better" restlessness.  I feel free again.....I feel peaceful....that's something I haven't felt in a long time......
I've had a few serious relationships in my lifetime....but when I sat doing the yoga meditation my therapist taught me...the revelation that I had was....I've never really had my heart broken....never.

Not until my Mama left me......

Thinking back I can think of how upset I may have been at the end of the relationships with my son's father, then with my daughters' father & then my husband.  But, when I think of it know.  I've come to realize that that hurt was more because I hated that our "family" was breaking up than that I hated the relationship was gone. I may have shed a few tears and maybe cursed someone out.....but never had that gut wrenching, can't get out of bed, eyes all puffy and red hurt until she left......Thankfully, I haven't had it since either.  Mainly because I'm still not over the heartbreak of losing her.
I did just go through a sort of "dramatic" end to a relationship.  But, it wasn't on my part.  My I guess you call it "catch phrase" when chaos ensues is, "I'm cool."  Because nine times out of ten, I am.  I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.....I also believe in following my intuition....to a point where one of my friends says it freaks him out. lol....For example, we were heading to the mechanic to get some work done on my car.  We were using the GPS and I didn't turn when it told me to.  It gave me the direction, "make the next safe u-turn"?!?! First off, I didn't know navigation systems would tell you to make ILLEGAL driving moves...then as we fussed about where I would make this turn, I said, "this doesn't FEEL right" and turned the GPS off and said I would stop at the next business & ask directions.  The next business was the oil change shop that was owned by the body shop we were heading to & one of the guys was heading there to drop off a part & let us follow him. Nothing was said the whole way there except by me...it was a swift "I told you about my light (intuition)." #Iknowthatwaspetty lol
Following my intuition I really believe has allowed me to bounce back quickly from the failed relationships in my life.  To move on without bitterness/hate/ire towards the other person....That intuition and the fact that I know and have seen that karma takes care of everything. Sometimes it goes slow as a glacier....sometimes it's swift like wildfire.  But, for some reason and I probably know what that reason is, I haven't bounced back from the heartbreak of losing my Mama/best friend/support system as quickly as I would like.  It has been 2 years and 3 holiday seasons.....I still can't get that pain out of my chest.  Where it tightens up like someone is holding your heart in their hand and squeezing tighter and tighter.
I still burst out in tears for simple things.  Like if "Gold Digger" by Kanye comes on (that was her JAM! lol) or when I'm watching something & I think of what she would say if we were watching together or her laugh or the way she would throw both her hands in the air & say "whatever" :)..I've gotten better with the tears.  I know how to "kind of" stop them if someone walks by.  I know how to creatively run my hand across my face to wipe them so people think I'm just rubbing my face.  I know people always say, "If you need to cry, cry."  That's not my problem....I don't mind that....It's the private person in me that wants me to be the only one who see those tears. Whether they be sad tears or happy tears....Sometimes they are happy tears.  But either way, I sometimes want to be the only one who knows about them. The only one who sees them......well, me and the one my heart breaks for.....Mama <3

I thank and appreciate all who will read.  Peace.

Stop Bangin Your Head....

Today's post comes with the news that another Hip Hop pioneer is in poor health.  Erick Sermon aka The Green Eyed Bandit and half of the trailblazing/legendary duo EPMD (Erick & Parrish Makin' Dollars)...Sermon suffered a heart attack yesterday at 42 YEARS OLD!!!
Last week I'm looking at someone just a little older than me (Heavy D) leaving this life for his reward....and today someone roughly 2 years YOUNGER than me, suffering a heart attack.  I'm not sure about anyone else, but when I was 21/22 I never thought of myself as "middle-aged"....I felt I was just getting started.
When you hear people speak of us being in our "last days" I often say, each day that we live brings us closer to the "last" so live like there is no tomorrow.  Live for yourself and your love.
I personally have known a few "younger" people who had suffered heart attacks.  One of my best friends (my Twin) recently succumbed to one at 41 just this past year.  I feel an ache in my heart every time I speak of her and how she may have felt leaving this life so young.  I know how I feel without her.  #lost/lonely/ill-preparedforlife
I really have focused more on my own mortality since my parents and my aunt have left.  While my Daddy was 73 when he left me, some may say he had lived his life and it was his time....I say when I last saw him in that room at Amsterdam House (his nursing home in Harlem, NY) he was getting better.  His "light" was coming back.  Even though I was comfortable with the "last goodbye" we had, my selfishness wanted more time.  Then my aunt left just a few months short of her 68th birthday and then my Mama leaves me a few months after her 67th birthday....it just leaves me to wonder.  How much time I have left. Where/how will my story end?
Well, I do know that all of that is not at all up to me.  So I have to go with the flow and continue to live my life.  I do know that part of my flow will include doing things I've always wanted/needed to do and connecting with those I need to connect with while at the same time dis-connecting with those who don't (possibly never did) fit.  I can not look back on things past and keep banging my head over what could have/would have been.  I just know that there is so much more in store for me and mine.
I send this post with well wishes/prayers for the recovery of Erick Sermon and any one else reading in need of prayer.  We should all stop banging our heads with what if's and why not's ("What if I was smaller?", "What if I were lighter?", "What if I had more money?", "Why doesn't he/she like me?", "Why do I keep believing when I know he/she is lying?", "Why do I keep loving when they don't love me?")......Just stop it! Start focusing on what you know to be good about you. We all have something/s.  Embrace it! Keep your head banging with the positive.....

Follow me on Twitter @RavenAboutMe or email me at Raven@nga-radio.com

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

What Are We Gonna Do???

This past two weeks have been liberating, solemn and eye-opening to say the least for me.  Culminating with the tragic news of the departure from this life by a true trailblazer of Hip Hop, Heavy D.  I remember meeting him in person when I lived in Milwaukee at Summerfest (an annual Summer concert series).  He shook my hand with both of his and looked me right in the eye when he said, "Very nice to meet you cutie."  I'm sure he said that a thousand other times to a thousand other people and I'm sure each one felt it was as genuine as I did.  I'm sure he will be sorely missed by those who knew him personally.  I did not know him at all and am deeply saddened.

Of course my emotional roller coaster started with the "anniversary" of the days leading up to the day my Mama left me.  Unfortunately, outside obstructions had caused my life to be in dis-array and out of sorts for the past few months.  I am working and have worked to put everything in order....I'm just about there.  

I'm loving the way everything is coming together.  It seems as if spending the entire day Saturday (the date my Mama left) in bed sulking was a re-birth for me.  It seems as if I closed my eyes that night and when I opened them I could see again.

I have no desire to look back at or dwell on anything in the past.  That is counter-productive to where I'm going and what I'm getting.  No hate, no animosity, no fear.....Just upward, forward and onward is what I'm "gonna" do....I have people that have been and will be in my life for the right reasons.  I've let go and will let God deal with those who were there for the wrong reasons.  Ok, ok....I will admit.  I kind of helped Him a little.  But hey, I'm human....and it was SOOOOO necessary and kind of funny. *kanye shrug*

But, I've shaken it off and aside from the necessary "paperwork".  I don't have to address any of that foolishness anymore....

Looking/realizing the age Dwight E. Myers (Heavy D.) was....He was only a little less than a year older than me.  My thoughts about what I haven't yet done overwhelmed me.  I am really focused now on what I want for me and my children in the years to come.  Knowing that tomorrow is not promised to any of us, I'm focused on doing for them AND me, the things I know we want to/need to do......Now I know what "we are" gonna do.....What are YOU gonna do??? #don'tworryI'llwait ;-)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. (Even the stalkers, lol) Peace.

Neutral

I just want to tell the world to SLOW THE HELL DOWN!!!  Run in neutral sometimes and let me catch up to everything/everyone around me.  These DAYS that mark the DAYS that were her last DAYS are zooming in on me and my heart is NOT ready......
Thursdays since she left me have been the worse.  My "friend" (term used with caution) was the first to point out to me that all of the tragedies happened on Thursday.  She went into the hospital one Thursday, left me the next and was interned the next Thursday......
Now it seems like as soon as the weekend is over, Thursday is here again.  Usually, that would be a great thing. Looking forward to the weekend.  But it seems that just as fast as Thursday gets here, it takes FOREVER to leave.  It seems as if it's my LONGEST day of the week because I think about it so much.
In therapy, she tells me to "plan something" to do special on Thursdays....I really can't "plan" anything.  My days are pretty much routine running around with a little "me time" in the middle....or even worse....the running back and forth with me just laying/crying in bed until it's time to run around some more.
The twists/turns/flips my life is doing right now really need her voice.  Honestly, because of the relationship my Mama and I had, I never really went to her for "advice" per se....Just sort of a sounding board to bounce my thoughts off of.  I was going to choose my own path right or wrong & right or wrong, she would be right there with me to weather the storm or to bask in the glory.  My sidekick/home girl/road warrior.....
Now, I'm the lone ranger....I have family/my kids....but there is nothing like Mama's ear....her neutral tone, her positive aura, her being my savior from negativity........

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Emergency Contact

....

"Pull up to yo' spot on low. Shinin' brighter than all of the cats they got on glow."

This is me ALL DAY.  I love Mos Def and this is one of my FAVORITE songs by him solo, outside of BlackStar.  (SN:  Dave Chappelle looks BAKED in this video. #random LOL)

This is a hater anthem (one of the BEST in hip hop), when I first put it back in heavy rotation in my home/car/head.  I saw it JUST as that.  I was having drama/confusion/ridiculousness brought on by a hater and I was using this song to keep me level. It worked, as music often does...besides that, I know all too well the circumstances of the hater and how pitiful they are, so I'll just brush "him" off and let life take care of  "him".

I thank God that I'm relatively in good health.  I have a few small things going on, but nothing life threatening.  This month being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I went to get my yearly mammogram and just got the results that I'm fine.  I know a few "Survivors"....One in particular I REALLY feel that "he" needs to focus on staying healthy and let go of fantasy and grab onto reality so "he" can be around for "his" kids.  But, oh well....that's on "him" if "he" doesn't.   I have family & friends to live for and that's basically the ONLY thing that keeps me going when this time of year rolls around.  This is the time of year when she left me and my heart has not been the same since.

I was in the doctor's office yesterday "updating" my medical information.  As I got to the section for "Emergency Contact", I stopped and my eyes filled up.  I HATE to cry (even though I do it damn near daily)...but I ESPECIALLY hate to cry in front of people/strangers.  I don't want anyone's pity.  As I tried to will the tears back into my face, I tried to continue writing the info for my "Emergency Contact"....Having worked in the medical field, I know that it's best to have a local emergency contact in case someone needs to get to you right away....I didn't have anyone locally that I would be relieved to see if I was scared and laid up in a hospital.  My adult children are in different cities and my Mama is GONE.  My aunt is local, but she freaks out easily and can REALLY exhaust me. LBS...

I cried even more when I realized how important having an "Emergency Contact" was to me.  Even when I was married, every time I filled out ANY form that asked for an emergency contact.....my Mama was the FIRST and sometime ONLY name on the list.  Don't judge (well, if you do...so what), but my life insurance left more to my Mama & my children than my husband and put her in control of my minor child in the event of my death.  It wasn't that I didn't love or trust my husband (at least I don't think that was the reason at that time), I just felt that he would still be able to work and survive...I needed her to be able to go on and take care of my kids for me with some sort of financial security.

I finally was able to pull myself together and put my aunt's name as the contact, not that I don't love her....I just would have preferred someone closer to my heart....outside of my children there is NO ONE closer to my heart than my Mama....I don't like this time of year because it seems like a "countdown" to my tragedy.  Coming soon will be two years since she left me and my world crumbled....it's not quite back together, but I was trying to get there.  I've even had some "new" and old help/support/love getting there.  I've recently had another obstacle on my road, but I am trying HARD to be an overcomer.....it's "seems" to be working....stay tuned....

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.~ Follow me on Twitter @RavenAboutMe

Homicide....

I know I've been gone for a minute this time.  Over a month....That is not to say I haven't had things to write about, it's just to say, there is SO much to write about I don't know where to start......I could go personal, but I will save that for when my wounds are not so fresh and when I know where my resolution for peace is.

"Homicide's illegal and death is the penalty.  What justifies the homicide?  When he dies in his own inequity?" ~ Masta Killa (WuTang Clan) "Da Mystery of Chessboxin'"

I am more than sure that you all know what happened to Troy Davis last Thursday.  How the state of Georgia committed what I like to call, "Constitutional Homicide". How many of you are also aware that in the SAME STATE of Georgia on the SAME DAY, a Caucasian man was granted clemency because the board of parole felt he showed "remorse" and because he had a drug "problem".....I will be honest, I had not heard of Troy Davis, or his story until recently.  But, what I did hear was from day ONE he maintained his innocence.  That he was not guilty of killing the off duty police officer.  Now, real talk, Troy Davis was not a "model citizen"...Hell, who is?  I'm not.  I roll through stop signs, throw straw wrappers out my car window and yes I will buy "Hood Goods". #sueme LOL....But, no matter what his criminal record said...Did he deserve to die for something he quite possibly didn't do?  My stance actually is, DID HE DESERVE TO DIE AT ALL???  If in every one's Bibles or other religious doctrines it maintains that killing is a sin or wrong.  What gives the government the right/authority/omnipotence to kill in the name of justice?
I hate to think of anything happening to anyone I love or me.  But, I want to state for the record, I would prefer that a murderer be locked up for 23 hours a day for the rest of their lives than killed.  If you really think about it, when they die...THEY'RE FREE!  They no longer suffer in this world and have gone on to the next and are at peace.  While the victim is still dead, the family still suffers.  No, not for me, I want them to be locked up and told when to eat, drink, breathe and use the restroom.  Why release them from this hell and leave me here to mourn/suffer/grieve?
Now lastly, let me say this....while I'll readily admit that I was not aware of Troy Davis' situation until the "media" decided to start covering it.  I will say I have been aware for quite some time of the plight of Mumia Abu Jamal....You've never heard of him? Don't know what's going on?  Well here is an opportunity for all of "us" to do something before the "final hours" or last minute.  Mumia Abu Jamal has a Facebook page....Like it, find out more about him and his situation.  Or follow him @MumiaAbuJamal on Twitter.  Stand up and become involved, fight to get him off death row like many of you may have done for Troy Davis.  Not just because these are black men, or because Mumia is a political prisoner....BECAUSE THE DEATH PENALTY IS NOT JUSTICE! IT'S HOMICIDE!!!

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Evolution........

This month has been a whirlwind of change for me.  My first born moved further away from me in order to broaden his horizons.  While I am happy about what he has to look forward to, I had a hard time dealing with him leaving (I cried most of the day).  It wasn't the first time we've ever been miles apart, but I just feel that since I lost my Mama, every change, disconnect, evolution is a heart-wrenching endeavor.
I also went to my class reunion.  I have been out of high school for 25 years. WOW! I'm old. LOL......This was a bittersweet weekend. Last year around this time, I was speaking with my friend Thelma about going to these "reunion" things.  She had been down for our "All Alumni Weekend".....I didn't make it to the picnic to hang out with her because I was in one of those "moods" where I didn't feel like socializing or leaving the house.  I promised her then, I wouldn't miss another alumni picnic AND that I would go to our 25th reunion with her.......
Well, this past February, my girl, my "twin" went to heaven without me and this past weekend I went to the reunion without her.  Every time I saw something funny or someone we used to hang out with (or even talk about, lol) I thought of what she would say and how she would make me laugh.  I even thought about how we would look dancing one of those many slides together (she was a great dancer). :).....As I looked through the pictures taken by many people over the weekend, I thought of how many pictures I was in and how many pictures would there have been of me & Thelma.

These past two years have been more than a journey for me.  Right now I'm starting to see the end of the rainbow.  Everything is not as I would like it to be.  I still hurt/cry/mourn.  But, I'm finding my way.  I'll be fine.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Independence Day

As an only child, I'm used to doing things alone and/or for myself.  It physically pains me to ask someone to do something or help me. However, I always find myself being the first to ask someone I see in need. "What do you need?"  Or observing what someone needs and taking it upon myself to help them get it done.
I've found recently that sometimes you have to ask for help.....but, you have to know WHO to ask.  There are some people who pretend to have your back only for their benefit.  Sometimes they're transparent.  Sometimes they are better actors than Sir Laurence Olivier. #realtalk
Then there are people like the few....let me say that again FEW, VERY FEW, not a lot, minute, minuscule, scant number of friends I have....that have my back, front, side, top & bottom. #realtalkagain
Sometimes you have to let your guard down and read people around you.  Sometimes they want to help and don't know how. They need you to tell them what to do, how to do it, how to help. That doesn't necessarily mean they're that person who doesn't want to help....They're just the person who needs a little "help" with helping.  lol
It really gets under my skin when people ask, "Do you want me to....?"  For instance, you see me struggling to bring bags in the house and ask, "Do you want me to help you with those?" Ummmm, no!!!! I would like to struggle and possibly break something I just bought! WTF?!?!?! LBDAS!!!
I guess I'm the personality who needs someone like myself.  Proactive, just get it done.  Have the answer before the question. #jeopardyplug lol.......In my relationships, I will ask my mate/friend for help....ONE TIME....I won't ask again, I'll either do it myself or pay someone else to do it for me.  For some reason, to me asking over and over is like begging.  The value I give myself will NOT allow me to "BEG" for ANYTHING!  Be it favors, money, time, food or LOVE.  My support system of certain family members and friends makes it unnecessary for me to have to beg.  If I ask you once and you don't do it,  I'll give a courtesy reminder and then if it's still not done....I'm doing it myself.  I won't bring it up that I had to do it because you didn't....I'll just gain more knowledge of what I can get accomplished solo and how independent I truly am.
In this new life of mine, I'm enjoying "re"-learning the things I can do.  "Re"-learning what it feels like to answer to no one.  "Re"-learning why I like being with me so much. :)

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Liberation

Most of the time when I come into my room the first thing I turn on after the light is my stereo/radio/or laptop music library....I'm not really into television unless there is something specific I want to see (cartoons, basketball, a good sitcom, etc...). Half the time I have to remember to turn my tv on. lol
Music is my salvation, it makes me smile and tells me stories I need to hear. This song by Outkast with CeeLo, Big Rube andErykah Badu is on my top FIVE of favorite rap songs of all time (YES, OF ALL TIME).
Andre Benjamin wrote this, he must have been right inside my head when he penned these lyrics. Just to go through it a little, it starts...."There's a fine line between love and hate, you see, came way too late but baby I'm on it..."
Very true words. If you had told me a year ago, hell, three months ago that I would be at this point in my life/love/emotion, I would've been REALLY surprised. I would've said, "No, I don't think I'd turn back the clock like that." But, that's what I'm looking at/living with. I'm tight rope walking on that "fine line".....The spirituality of my being doesn't allow me to accept the word "hate" into my vocabulary. However, I'm not a "We Are The World" type of person where I "love" everyone. People I have "no love" for receive pity/sympathy/apathy. In my opinion, hate is an emotion that requires twice as much energy as love. So I don't have time for it. I have faith in the rules of the universe. The 360 degree rotation of the universe and it's beings/events/circumstances will eventually take care of each situation in it's due time. Without any help from me. I just have to wait patiently and govern myself accordingly. This is where I fall short sometimes. Oh well, I'm only human. With all the self-esteem/confidence/love of self I have, I still am not perfect and make mistakes. The key to those mistakes for me is that I learn from them and grow. God doesn't allow you another year of life to do the same things, the same ways you did in the previous year. Unless you did everything perfectly and made no mistakes.....But, if that were true, you would be God. LBS
I'm often told that I'm "mean" I think mainly because of the directness of what I say more than that I'm actually an unfeeling/selfish/mean person. I don't answer to/accept/embrace any of those characteristics. I know the loving person that I am and so do those around me. One thing I know I'm not, something that can never be said of me is that I'm fake. I keep it 100 24/7/365. If you don't want to know the truth, ask someone else the question is my motto. That's where another verse comes up, "Can't worry 'bout what another nigga think, now see, that's liberation and baby I want it...." In my life now, the situations I'm in, as well as the situations that have been thrown at me. I decide the path I'm going to take to deal with my issues. I will listen to what others have to say, but ultimately, it's my life/happiness/well being as well as that of my children, that is first and foremost for me. No one knows what's best for me like me.
You would think once this new chapter of life opened for me I would keep moving forward instead of looking back. Well, sometimes when you see something from the past that had value, you have to dust it off and put it back in use. Sometimes it will work for a while & then break down again. Sometimes it will continue to work without a glitch.
Like CeeLo sings, "If I sacrifice every breath I breathe to make you believe. I'd give my life away..." Please always take me at my word? My word is my bond, I'm not a liar. I'm not selfish either. If I take the time to tell you how I feel/what I want, that's because I value you/us/WE enough to share that part of me with you. I'm a private person (that only child thing). So when I share anything, ESPECIALLY feelings....that is a HUGE deal.
"I'm so tired, so tired my feet feel like I've walked most of the road on my own........." For so long I've been independent, even when I was part of a "team". But, now I'm "liberated" to the point where I have to say "excuse me" to the person/people who are walking on the road with me because we're bumping into one another.
So what I'm on now is embracing this "Liberation" so I will just,"shake that load off...." and "keep my head to the sky......" Mainly because that's what the Queen in me has to do.

Damn, Andre 3000 hit REAL HARD with these lyrics!!! <3 Outkast

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Patronizing........

This title word and it's definition really get under my skin.  I don't like to patronize people and I DEFINITELY don't like when someone tries to patronize me.  It's an EXTREME insult to my intelligence.  Ask anyone who really knows me and they will tell you that I would rather you punch me than to treat me like I'm an idiot. LBS.....
Lately, I've found that some people are so smart....THEY'RE DUMB AS HELL!!! I've heard older people say that my whole life, but never realized until recently what they meant.  Some people can "smart" themselves into catch 22 situations that they don't even know they're in.  You know why they don't know?  Because they are too stupid to know.  #sadbuttrue
Then the sadder thing is that what they do not only affects them, but it affects those around them.  Well, maybe all the time it's not a sad thing.  Sometimes when a person sees another person going in a bad direction they may say, "I don't want that to be me.  That is not normal."  But, too often, it's someone looking at bad behavior saying, "This is normal.  This is how life is."
After all of the loss and pain of my life, I want and will have my life as "normal" as possible.  The perfect amount of normalcy for me would of course include my Mama....but wishful thinking aside....I know that the normalcy I will have from this day forth will include the love I have been giving/receiving from those around me who CLEARLY love me.  It will be minus drama/pettiness/foolishness....Insignificant people and their events will be handled the way the Universe has designed and I will not focus my energy on them or any of their negativity.....I'm too FABULOUS for FOOLISHNESS. #newmotto LOL

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

RESPECT YOURSELF!!!

This is one of my all time favorite movies....Not ONLY because Denzel & Wesley are finer than a MF in it. LOL....But because of the story.

Of course we've all known and/or dealt with a "Bleek" type (male or female)...That's not the part of the story I really like. I go a little deeper with it.....

Look at the women, Clark & Indigo. They were dealing with Bleek and knew what he was up to....but, who did they take issue with? THAT'S RIGHT....BLEEK!!! Not one another.

Throughout my life/loves/relationships, I can say that when a "Bleek" situation came up (and too often for my taste it did come up)....my point of contact was my man. The one who said he was with me, committed to me, even that he loved me.

Too many times, people with low self-esteem and no respect for themselves will come at the wrong person when the object of their affection no longer wants them. They will come for the new love. Knowing often times that the new love is unaware or in some cases doesn't care of their existence.

What amazes me is the lengths that some will go. The methods they will use. The way they will degrade themselves (and others who are dumb enough to get involved). They will go through all of this to no avail.....sometimes it will end the new relationship....sometimes it will make the new relationship stronger....but hardly ever will it make the person who DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BEGIN WITH WANT YOU AGAIN!!!

This is particularly why I always tell my children how much I love them and how great they are. Honestly, I think too many parents may have dropped the ball on that. Instilling self-esteem in our children is a duty as a parent just as much as it is to feed or clothe them. When parents don't, you end up with crazed/psychotic/irrational people who stalk/maim/violate others. Don't believe me? Go to your county jail and talk to some of the inmates. Listen to them say how they're locked up for stalking or beating up their girlfriend/baby-mama's new dude. Go to the hood and talk to Boomquidra and ask her about one of her three baby-daddy's. Listen to her talk bad about his new woman and how she sat outside her house with the kids all night just because or bust HER (not his) car windows. Just straight pathetic foolishness. *smdh*

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace

Hiatus.....

I've been gone more than a month from this blog.  Not because I didn't have anything to say or because I gave up on it.  Mainly because it kind of hurt too much to be here.
The month of May with Mother's Day, Mama's Birthday and even Memorial Day put me in a DEEP funk.  I was out of "myself" (for lack of a better way to put it).....
The beginning of the month was alright.  The election I was involved with went well and our candidate won! :)....Being busy helping with that took up the first week of the month and kept my mind occupied.  But right after was Mother's Day.....I think I handled it pretty well.  For it to be the second one without her, I didn't cry half as much as the first.  Although I did stay in bed all day. *shrug*
Then her birthday came on the 27th of the month.  Again, I didn't cry as much as the first year.....I even managed to smile.  I had just gotten the finishing touches put on the tattoo (something called a derma-piercing) and for some reason, that made me feel better.  I didn't even cry at that like I did when I first got her name tattooed on my shoulder.
The day that hurt me the most I think was Memorial Day.....Crazy ain't it?  I just really couldn't handle that day.  Not because I had gone out to the cemetery or anything like that. I don't believe in the yearly trip to clean off the plot.  People at the cemetery are paid to do that.  In my opinion, she's not there, so why should I be?  I think it was mainly because I knew this was the time we would celebrate her day.  It was mainly (to me) a holiday for her.  I barbecued like I do every year, even though it was just me and my youngest daughter, but the whole day seemed like slow motion to me.  I cried a lot, my stomach was in knots a lot.
For some reason, the month of June hasn't turned out any better for me.  The absolute BEST part was my daughter turning 16 and seeming to enjoy her day (and the J. Cole concert the week before, lol).  I feel lately, that their joy is really my joy.  I don't seem to have a lot of joy outside of them.  I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but right now it's keeping me going.
Father's day wasn't so bad.  I talked with and spent the day with people I love.  I cried a little, but it was ok.  I think most of my tears lately have been because I'm beginning to realize that "I'm the one".  The center of my little family.  I have to count on ME for everything, but I'm not sure if "ME" can handle "everything" (bad grammar intended, lol).....
Anywho, what I'm going to do for me, them and the others I love is weather the storm and keep my back strong and ride this whole thing called "Life" until the wheels fall off.  I can't say there will be no more tears, because sometimes I need that "mental cleansing"....But, I can say there will be no more letting my tears get the best of me and my joy.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

Thinking........

This is all I've been doing lately. Thinking. Trying to make sure I'm making the right decisions for my life/love/future......I'm trying not to move too fast....or too slow. I know that life is short and it's definitely too short to let little things stress you or to let big things leave you.

I also know that when you look back on life and it's experiences some things/memories/AND PEOPLE in the past should stay in the past. Just because I've changed, I can't expect everyone to have changed. Just because I've changed for the better (which I feel I have). I have to realize that some people may have changed, but they may have changed for the WORSE.

Some people allow the past to alter them in a way that is detrimental to them and all around them. I chose not to be one of those people. I chose to learn from the past and not let it hinder my progress in the future. That is where my forgiving nature comes in.

I know some people may look back and remember some things that have happened to them and cringe at the thought of forgiveness. I can't lie, it may take time for me to forgive. But I DO FORGIVE. And not that phony type of forgiveness..."I forgive but I can't forget." If you have to say that before forgiving, then just forget it. Of COURSE you're not going to forget. All life experiences are part of your memory and some of them are ingrained there, never to be forgotten. However, you must look PAST the PAST.

That is what I've tried to do over these last few months. I know all is forgiven, but to let someone who I had to show so much forgiveness for back in took a lot. Then when you think about it, are some people really worthy or accepting of the invitation back into your life.

Sometimes yes, sometimes HELL NO! LBVS....But, who/what you decide to let come to your future is a decision only you can make. It's also a decision only YOU have to live with.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. ~ Peace

I Guess I Did It........

This is just Mother's Day number two without her.  So many things have changed from the last Mother's Day to this one.  My life is different.  In many ways my love is different, but my heart is still the same.  It still wants her here to tell me what to do.  To listen to me speak about my troubles.  Not necessarily to offer advice, but just so I can say everything I'm feeling out loud and not be judged or worry about her telling someone else.
I said yesterday in the blink of an eye my feelings would change.  That happened all day today.  It was like someone turning on and off a light switch.  I would be ok until I would receive a notification on my phone that someone has posted "Happy Mother's Day" on my wall or someone would send me a text or an email saying those same words.  It hurts me to say them.  That may seem selfish or mean.  But, all day today it was a strain to get those three words out.  I don't even want to type them again.  I kept saying, "Same to you" whenever someone said them to me.
Even when my Aunt Shirley called, I couldn't say it to her.  Even though she's doesn't have children, she's like a mother to me and my cousins.  So, I used to always say the words to her.  One thing I so love about her is that she knows me.  She says I'm a lot like my parents in the way I think about things.  I guess she knew them well because she always knows the approach to take with me by just listening to my voice.  She didn't say those words to me.  I think she knew I didn't want to hear them.  I only said them really to my Nana out of obligation.
Let me clear this up....I'm not saying I didn't want any of the mothers I know to be happy today.  I want that for them everyday.  I just feel insincere when I'm "celebrating" this Hallmark holiday. The best part was my children's voices saying the three words to me and the PRETTY pendant my littlest one gave me.  It says "MAMA".  I love that she chose that word instead of mom or mother.  Because I always said Mama or Ma.  It shows that she pays attention to little things just like I do. I feel bad that she had to "pay attention" to her Mama's red eyes and puffy face and the fact that I was in bed for the better part of the day....But I do talk to her and try to help her understand that I'm hurting and this is my way of healing.  While it may not be the best way, it makes me feel a little better for a little while.  I know it will get better, maybe not easier....just better.

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

I Can Do It.....

Well, here comes another one.  Another day/milestone/memory.  I may as well get this blog done now.  I intended to do it tomorrow, but why wait.  Besides, I'm feeling pretty good right now. My team (Boston Celtics) just won a home game in the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals and I've got my "hair done, nails done, everything did" lol....because I'm going to celebrate my friends graduation.
Just because I feel good now, doesn't mean that within a blink of an eye I won't be a wreck again.  Yesterday was pretty stressful for all kinds of reasons, but I did it.  I have a great support system in my corner.  I think if they weren't here I would definitely fall to pieces.
Always in my corner accepting/ignoring/tolerating my mood swings and cries.  Sometimes saying nothing, sometimes saying too much.  Either way, in some sort of way it helps me know I'm not alone.  Even when I want to be alone, I know I'm not totally alone and that brings me all kinds of comfort.
I just for some reason still can't get past the symbolism of this month.  What it brings to me.  Heartache/abandon/loneliness.  She would say, "My birthday is in 20 days."  I would say, "And?" LOL....We would go to the buffet at the boat and then I would leave her there so she could get her gamble on.  I don't really like to play slots.  I feel if I put my money in a machine I should be getting candy, soda or a load of clothes washed. lbs  So I would leave her there and come back to pick her up when she was ready.  She usually broke even or won a little more than what she came with.  She was pretty lucky that way.
I just really want to lay in bed all day tomorrow.  In fact, that's what I plan to do.  Don't judge me, that's the way I cope.  It will help me.  If I lay there and cry, well...my Egyptian cotton sheets are used to it by now and pretty absorbent.  If I lay there and watch tv then so be it.  It is supposed to be my day, so I can do what I want or don't want.....RIGHT?
I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.

May-be Tomorrow

"I don't know how many stars there are.  Up in the heavenly sky...."

I know I would like to think the brightest star I see when I look in the sky is my Mama looking over me.  I don't know if she would be happy with me right now.  She always would get upset when I cried or when I seemed to dwell on something I can't change.  I can see/hear her now, throwing her had to the air jingling her bracelets (the ones like the one's I wear) and saying, "Ugh! Raven you gonna have to stop that!! You can't do nothing about it. So NOW WHAT?"

As a child or even as an adult, hearing that from her would be so frustrating.  I'd clam up and not respond to what she was saying and then as the rebellious youngster and then the over confident adult who thought I knew everything.  What I didn't know, I didn't want my Mama to teach me. #stubborn

Not too long ago, I was sitting working in the campaign office when two older ladies came in and sat and started talking.....Now since the office is relatively small, I could hear them trying to figure out what was the last name of one of my Mama's best friends.  Not to butt myself into the conversation, I just sat and listened.  Then I heard one of them say, 

"Last time I saw her, she was with Marcella."  

Other Lady: "Marcella who?"

First Lady:  "Pretty Marcella.  She came out with me and 1960."

Other Lady: "Yea, she was a cheerleader and she was really pretty."

That made me smile from ear to ear.  I came from around my cubicle and told them that Marcella was my 

mother.  The one lady who I had been working with from the beginning slammed her hand hard on the desk and said....

"Dammit! I KNEW there was something about YOU!"

I said to her....

"I knew there was something about you too!!!" 

And we just "laughed and laughed".  She told me how cute my Mama & Auntie were as little kids (she was older than them). 

But today, thinking about my Mama I want to "cry and cry".  I continued to say to myself, that I would stop dwelling on these dates/days/milestones and just feel what I feel when I feel it. *s/o to roy ayers.* lol

I like the way some people are drawn to me and not intimidated by the fact that I don't smile for no reason and that my direct nature is by no means malicious.  But, sometimes they go over the top with it.  Or they think I don't know the difference between nosy and concerned?

One of the ladies today asked what I had planned for Mother's Day.  When I told her nothing at all and tried to leave it at that....She kept asking, "You're not doing anything?  What about the kids?  They not doing anything for you."  Instead of responding to the Spanish Inquisition I just feined that I was busy and moved around.  But, honestly I was DEVASTATED that she wouldn't leave the subject alone and kept bothering me with it.  Like she almost wanted me to break down (remember we talked about people who do this).  

The day started out ok and just went down hill fast......So what am I doing?  I'm going to crawl back under my covers and go to sleep.  This month of May has already started off JANK for me.  With Mother's day next Sunday and Mama's birthday on the 27th May kind of sucks for me.  But, I really did try not to let it get me down this year. #toolate  Just gonna sit and bawl my eyes out and wait for the Lord to tell me how to feel and when this pain will leave me.  Maybe tomorrow I'll regroup and try not to let May take over me......

I thank and appreciate all who will read. Peace.